I

FLYiNG TiME

2012-01-18T13:39:00.000+08:00

Happy 2012!Now that things have sort of settled down, year turned and all, I think I'm calmer dealing with things, and letting go some much needed burdens of worry, concerns, and unhappiness.Sorry to myself firstly for not being up to date, but I think I should try to post the missing month of December soon, plus the run up to the new year. Note to self: updates on the way please!

RECAP

2011-11-19T02:34:00.001+08:00

I thought I'd better blog something before I totally forget how to.

I guess amid all the morbid posts for the last few months, the least I could do is to put some good news here: I'm finally going on a holiday! It's supposed to be a private retreat of sorts, but who knows, it's crossing over Christmas! That means I'll be spending my first Christmas overseas!

Still, coming back to the most recent events, we managed to push out a high-profiled series just two weeks back, and it's gaining plenty of fans and ratings. Considering the storyline isn't much of a fresh deal, I suppose the context it was presented moved some people to glue themselves to the TV set every night, which is a really good thing. Too few people are on the television, and it's about time somebody bring them back.

There have been some really interesting reviews on the Facebook page, which you can actually check out here:

https://www.facebook.com/theoathch8

Well, I fell sick shortly after, bouts of flu, cough and fever, then came another round of heat-rash that I'm still struggling to recover from. Have to seriously try not to scratch. But the temptations are just simply greater than the will power.

Anyway, short post today. I actually tried posting from the iPad previously, but seems like Blogger didn't like it. I did a search on the error, and it appears the whole world using Blogger through the iPad is affected.

That much for mobile blogging then.

And wow, Blogger now can't recognise line breaks...

KEYWORDS

2011-10-04T19:48:00.002+08:00

I wonder how much you actually care about me.Seriously.I hate lies but I kept being lied to.

PRECiOUS MOMENTS

2011-09-25T05:47:00.000+08:00

While we try our best to create little moments of memories, there are bound to be some hard hitting misses. I got one tonight again, and it breaks a lot of me to even find any reasonable explanations.All I wanted was a little time, is that so hard to get?I think I've been thinking too much for others to the point I hurt myself too much. Sucks.

TREASURES

2011-09-07T23:50:00.000+08:00

I finally learnt it the hard way: how to treasure people for who they really are when all these time I've seen them in such a different light that I imagined them to be. It's a new lease of life really, to be able to discover the truth behind all that I used to think, that were not!

What a revelation!

For those I always thought were questionable, they were not! I was! Wow... it's like finding out that the square table I been using was actually round!

How silly of me! Never to take people at first impressions or perception, because I can be so drastically off tangent! Not to mention, I might just have lost the opportunity to see the real sides had I gone on formulating only my own thoughts... I'm glad I saw things sooner, that I need to improve myself so much so much more. I may have taken my weaknesses overly defensively to the point I pull others down to mask just that.

But not anymore. I'm gonna reinvent myself. I must. I do not want to waste anymore opportunities or time judging people. Rather, I shall rediscover myself and relate to people in a whole new way!

F

2011-09-06T03:17:00.001+08:00

I never hurt this bad or cried this hard.

SOMETiMES i CRY

2011-09-06T01:23:00.000+08:00

When I've nowhere else to hide
Like when I wake up in the morning
And the world is undefined

THE DAWN OF MY TiME

2011-08-12T23:28:00.000+08:00

Let's see. I forgot my ear phones, and I'm doing a cafe wine run alone without them. So I can't listen to anything except the mindless banter that surrounds. Talk about bummers.

I just got some bullshit responses again, aside from being called a nuisance previously, now I'm like the illegal immigrant over-staying my welcome. Wait. Aren't illegal immigrants supposed to be unwelcomed in the first place?

And as the story goes, seems like people want people for something. Or at least that was what I was told. When you are done using or be used, there isn't much left. Hence, while your value exists, make it worthwhile, go get your most brilliant assets together and be useful. Boohoo~ make it worthwhile. Boohoo~

I'm getting quite upset with finding walls and dead ends lately, seemingly always an open path till it suddenly drops into this... Um... This... Gap. Like a ravine. No roads run forward but down. Or just simply cuts off. Then what synthesizes becomes bullocks - things go nowhere plans go nowhere you end up nowhere.

I think all these came about particularly cos I haven't gotten over anything. For one, ending a relationship didn't seem as easy as it could have been. What came after was the calm, no storm, cos I was too busy salvaging other burdens - the business and everything else that needed salvaging, one, by one.

And that's the problem they say. I need to grieve. And I must, to get over things. I enjoy the freedom, but I didn't enjoy what people were doing to me. So, with gritted teeth I pressed on, hoping to find something new, a new life, a new everything. But as I threaded along, it suddenly feels better back at home ground, be back in the comfort zone, not to face the uncertainties at an age where the discrimination of age and looks has gotten past my comprehension. And maybe because I was stuck in that comfort zone too long, with enough routines to fill everyday that it makes it seem life was full. Then of course, it became full of bullshit.

I want to move on. And I thought I did, but never really did. What happened was me stuck at the point I was about to take off - the plane's still here.

Sigh... Can I sigh?

I sigh too much. Maybe that's why I ended up on things alone.

I wanted to continue my studies you know, get a degree, make me smarter, a graduate. In the end, my plans were rebutted with a really good call - I can't leave the business behind and run. 4 years total. I was devastated. I really wanted to study, because my family couldn't afford it previously. Not like they can now, but yeah, I still can't afford it. But I want to you know. Learn, and play, and be knowledgeable, be smarter, be informed, be creative, be a lot of things. Share ideas, share passions. Be someone that makes the folks proud, make me proud. Yeah, and that's that. You know, that's that. How sad is that?

That one big grouse - business is as such. You don't just walk away.

I wasn't walking away. I'll be here. I'll run the space and study at the same time. But nobody thinks that's possible. Yet I'm willing to try. Cos trying is in my blood. I want an education, but I'm giving in to others' fears. I'm a whimp. Big time.

So that rounds up 2 things that plushed me out.

I have a third. I've become alcoholic. Not naturally wanting to drink or craving for one. I have nothing to do. I like the feeling of turning nonsense. Not really knowing what I'm doing. That numbing effect helps ease the hurt. And it does so with taste.

I'm just thinking where's a nice place to hide, listen to sad music, cry my heart out, wail and rant and act pathetic. Senseless isn't it? Me, thinking where to let off some steam. I'm so done in by myself.

Seasons come season go, my season of hurt lingers just so
Not a wink nor a blink, I goes but on and on
At times it mutters, while asks at others
Why should I go when the tide is strong
I can make you weak as I have before
Just to see you feeble and torn
So I'll stay till I break you down
Till the sun could shine but you aren't shone
The stars could sparkle yet they pulsates as you moan
That the wind would bring but a gust of forlorn
You shall kneel before the end
And beg the things that went
Like how the creepers climb the walls as you wish for hope that longs
No trains will take you out of town
Just the planes that fly you back around
Back to the day you first unwound
As the season of hurt rebounds

But I will leave when my time is up
The day you decide that hurt is done
Hello my love you have my heart
Hurt is but a lovely art

(Took a hlf hour break for Scrabble)

Ok. After 3 games of scrabble, some wine and a soup, I feel worse.

I used to like wine because I used to have it with friends. Good company in short. I used to pull drinks, go by the bottles and enjoy good conversations. As people started getting married with kids, I started wine with casual acquaintances, friends and clients. Wine became a drink, no longer the placeholder for sharing thoughts and exchanging hearty pleasantries.

I didn't like liquer or hard mixes cos they are just plain annoying. They get you high quickly and makes the taste buds dry and bitter. The only one I've had, as a good liquer, was 42 vodka. Smooth and non-intrusive, but that's really about it.

That leaves me with very little to drink. Carbonated drinks make the teeth bad, and juices don't deliver the kicks. So, I'm always with wine. I'd like to appreciate wine more though. There are many short day-introductions, but I never seem to get to them. Such a shame. Still, it sucks when you take wine and nobody really enjoys it. Did I mention I love Rapsany?

Heading home soon seems like a good idea. But with another half bottle of wine to clear, it's really quite nice to hang around.

Oh, where is my love?

So perhaps Aquarians are inclined to affections and relations. And why not? We do make poor sense of logic and space - we only know the gravity of instances and consequences, and more often than not, war and fights just simply ain't our thing. So what is so not lovely about Aquarians?

Did I ever mention Diamond Eyes? There are very few people with them. These are the special lot, they see things beyond clarity, see opportunities even before they happen - foresight is almost a natural thing - they see ahead, they look past history, and they can look into the very fabric and soul of things, or people, and of events. Problem is, they are also a devious, struggling bunch. They have deep thought plans, they work towards their idealogies, they do things to their advantage, yet, amidst all that, they struggle to stay ethical and honest. How does one balance the social corrects with the queers and dislikes?

I've met, or at least I thought, 2 of them. They know theories, they are intuitive, they are forward-moving, focused and accurate. Yet, both times, I didn't like the ethics they worked based on, regardless of the reasons. In a way, I was conned into believing what they say or portrayed wholeheartedly. Left a really deep impression on why they did so. And I cannot seem to explain, at all.

Reflecting, I learnt about myself more. I learnt that I was no better. The only difference is, I veered towards the ethics. I pledged more for honesty that was measured by social norms, and that was where I faultered. I drowned in others' expectations.

Shall I do without guilt? Hard. Granted, mom taught the traditions too well.

I'm trying to figure out what to do with my bottle of wine here. Honestly, I have nowhere to go. Isn't that sad? I'm done with this passage I think. I'm done. Yeah.

HYPHEN

2011-08-06T05:09:00.001+08:00

No, I'm not destined to fail.

THE PERFECT SETTiNG

2011-07-29T21:51:00.000+08:00

One, I just got called a nuisance.

Two, I'm to sign a contract to sell important company assets unreservedly. It's like selling the roof over my head for a cent.

And these, I have no one to turn to to unload. I feel like crying. I need a hug. I want someone to tell me everything's ok.

But nothing is ok. Everyone has their problems. I want to talk to someone. I need someone. The saddest part is even when I had someone before, it was the same. I slogged so god damned hard. But I'm only still here. This doesn't suck. Beyonded.

MY iMAGiNATiON

2011-07-13T03:52:00.000+08:00

While I seem to have forgotten how to move on, comes along someone that seems to just flutter to my heart. No doubt that I was quite blown away - here is somebody so pure in the heart by circumstance that defies the logic of freedom. How does one manage to find total freedom tasteless and chooses to commit into self-restraint?

Assembling the logic was already a daunting task, let alone trying to figure out what emotional values might be present. While I admit I don't feel so strongly about love this time, somehow it was one look I was given that somewhat changed my mind. I planted a soft kiss of friendship - in return, I received an avalanche of affection.

It was a full minute of staring in disbelief, then reaching out wordless to release the inner breadth that took me by surprise. That look, well, I've never seen in my life.

Take it easy old boy. You only have so much time.

SOMETHiNG'S GOTTA GiVE

2011-06-19T22:55:00.000+08:00

How about behaving for a change? How about doing something for me sincerely? How about me not demanding and something gets done?

I noticed lately I've been blogging whenever I'm home early. And I'm home early cos I've nowhere to go. I've nowhere to go cos I've no one to hang out with. I've no one to hang out with cos people have lives. And I live one that's built around others'.

Tonight has a bit of that suicidal feeling of not knowing if it's getting suicidal. That was kind of a confusion phase of wondering and pondering about it. I would like to just be in good company, but it does seem like that's not happening anymore. Over investment means you literally end up having a lot with a lot and not getting anything until you are past that need. Then, nothing really means anything anymore.

Gosh. I'm really bored. Even blogging is like a major waste of time. I'm bored. Very bored.

SANS

2011-05-29T01:18:00.000+08:00

I haven't type a decent post in months since I wired myself across all the various internet applications on the mobile phone. Then comes the big dreams of trying to plan for a very uncertain future, trying to convince myself that there is something to fight for after all. All that, and time seems to float by so quickly, looking forward to paydays just to pay the bills. I really wonder how long more before anything else can get better.

Investments seem to be the key word for me lately. Trying desperately to put money in useful things. Then, putting time into useful deeds. Yet all these time, things are only moving in baby steps. Of course, moving better than stagnating.

The weather's been freaky lately. Yup, I think we've destroyed enough of nature to bear the grudging brunt. Disasters everywhere, but people are still concerned about bombing one another, killing terrorists, anti-establishing... I don't know. I'm glad to see world events unfold, but I empathise with the next generation for they would be the ones to clean up the mess.

I'm looking forward this time, for myself, hoping to find a resolution of sorts to put some senses into a clearer perspective. Perhaps loving myself was easier without having to love others.

I'm still learning.

My next big goal: skirt the life crisis. Head straight to material goals and die happy.

UNTiTLED

2011-05-20T00:35:00.001+08:00

Sometimes I wonder what it's like to be famous, rich, or just simply over-loved. It's nice sitting here alone watching all these hot lesbian babes trudging through the area headed to the party for the night. It makes me a spectator. And spectators are the audience of what's going on. And what's going on is always nice to know when you aren't involved. Particularly the bad stuff.

I think I found my lost link to peace, in a way that means I've got nothing, nothing at all, to lose. That makes me powerful because I've no stakes in anything left. Just like fish and chips. It's just that. Too much oil and it burns. Too little complimenting sides make it dull. What do I want?

I think I need extreme attention. It makes me feel needed. But the worship kind, ya one, not the kind I need to spend time solving problems. Yes, that's the kind of attention I need. For the work I've done.

Dinner will be served shortly at 12:45 midnight. After a buffet spread that ended at 9pm. I think I'm a glutton. Very much lol.

Oh I love myself. Too little.

REASONS

2011-05-05T01:59:00.002+08:00

I finally figured out why I wanted to leave you in the first place: you were either too busy, or too tired for anything. By the time you get back to me, I'm already too weak to respond.

That's why I wanted to leave you.

Today, I feel the same way.

AND HOW

2011-04-30T04:45:00.001+08:00

I kind of discovered today again, how fragile so many things are. The last I remembered, while I was trying to grieve my loss, who was really there? The family was more inconsolable than I was, my friends were spewing momentous graces, and buddies were pratically nowhere close to knowing what was running through my life. That woke me up. In the end, I only still had myself.

Everyone seems to have their own hands full. That's alright. Yet, I'm one of the firsts to know what on earth is happening with them, willingly or not.

Here's the best part: people's relationship fail, and it's because of me. People's misfortunes are "partially" due to me. And get this: somehow, something goes wrong, and I'm at some point involved.

Truly, someone does care. Or at least I think so.

OPPORTUNiST

2011-04-12T03:09:00.000+08:00

I wonder if I should actually admire or denounce them - on one hand they are chancing upon great things that mean to them. But on the other, in the context of building that chance upon others' losses, it suddenly don't quite deserve my respect, particularly when that respect was built on trust, faith, or a simple believe.

I must say, whatever was due to happened, has. So I shouldn't really complain. And I suddenly realize how much people hate me. I'm not paranoid, but faced with hard facts and cold truths, or so some had claimed, I think I should take a couple more steps back and watch the skies, and not wish it fall down just because I think so.

My elementary teacher was right: to be a leader, is to set the best example. I'm just about that bad egg she said I was, amongst the many hatched ones that have gone on to great and mighty things.

Tonight feels like another episode of a stale drama serial, filled with mundane sorrow of the common kind. Perhaps I'm just as common as the patched paint on worn walls, nothing special, nothing new. I'm losing confidence all of a sudden, and chance has nothing to do with it. I think it's about time I took a break to grief proper on the demise of realism, my realism amidst surrealism. Wait, wishful thoughts would be a better description. Congrats.

I want to relive myself in a better light. Really.

MiMU 26.03.11

2011-03-26T22:57:00.001+08:00

I was supposed to join in for a recce today. Skipped it. I was supposed to attend a grand opening, skipped that too. Suddenly, I found myself in the studio, doing nothing. Popped in DVDs after DVDs, only to realise - I don't have anyone to talk to, hang out, or even meet.

I'm shittily lonely. Can't believe for everything I've done, I'm just here in the end on my own. Incredulously unbelievable. Is there a place for lonely souls to hang out? I'd like to know.

There was only Ming who gave me a chance to prove that I can be trusted. Turns out the other way now. But at the very least, someone believed. For a moment.

UNDERSTANDiNG

2011-03-20T22:44:00.000+08:00

I guess it's true that I'm getting way too emotional about things right now. Thinking back, its hard to just give up on something that I would really want to pursue, be it skill, love, or life even.

It's also true that all we need is that one person to tell us to wake up, and everything would fall into the right places on its own. I have to admit, I get way to engaged when people I'm attracted to start distancing themselves with me. It's not like I did anything wrong, but I tend to warm up to people real quick, and probably send the wrong messages all the same.

But who really cares?

Mi NGi M iS SUS OM UC H

2011-03-10T04:32:00.000+08:00

Found myself back here again. So all this time it was me. Stay off the net Neil!

STREET SLEEPERS

2011-03-05T01:08:00.005+08:00

Street Sleepers

MIMU

2011-03-05T00:56:00.002+08:00

My world crumbled slowly around me, whilst reality kept moving in a direct straight line. Who would know that I be caught in such a pointless predicament of emotions that even I had no comprehension of.

I broke my last relationship cos it ran dry. But surely eleven years must have opened the floodgates of eternity. Alas I was wrong. I loved deeply, but it digressed into mere takings. There was little that remained truly, and I am devastated to know it could not go on. To make it worse, I was positioned as the hammer that drove the final nail in. That is not true. But who, would believe me now?

It also doesn't help that my work piled because of a simple case of miscommunication. Miscommunication. Such a long word, such a simple meaning, such a difficult understanding, such a gentle reminder, and such an awkward generic descriptor.

While the stranger that showed me the way back, somehow, I'm drawn to the invisible agenda, but more critically, I was duped into believing it will work. That somehow, I would be able to walk through the door of happiness just like that. I ended up just waiting, and waiting, and waiting.

It's been a long, long week plus, and I wonder why I did not stay put where I was. Thinking back, I suppose the Heavens gave me the best time of my life in a short 8 days. 3 of which was the only time I could ever imagine myself smiling silly, and the final day a tearful one. Yes, I'll keep imagining a reply. Yes I will. Yes, I know it wouldn't come. Yes, it will not.

By now I should be inspired enough to write a new album altogether. By now. Yeah. But by now, all I need is a kind reply to tell me it's over, that perhaps all these were but a poor joke meant to reveal my short time on earth.

I'm really maxed out like many times before. Somehow, this time it felt different. Somehow, it didn't seem like this is anymore exciting. It's painful, hurting, and making me sick.

MIMU for the 9th day. How many more days should I wait?

KOR TOAD KUP

2011-02-21T08:03:00.000+08:00

Sometimes in life, we are sorry. So sorry that there is no more reasons for any excuses. And any reasons also don't make any sense any more. It's irritating.

The worst part is, it's so easy to fall in love, but so hard to love. And I'm really sorry for myself. Doesn't matter that I may have a heart of gold, or whatever else others say, nobody wants it for real. Perhaps everything came too late. Or perhaps I'm not content.

I can keep trying, but that's as far as I would go. That's it. Nobody will wait. And today, I'm sorry. I got lost but found a friend =)

HEADED

2011-02-19T06:19:00.001+08:00

I travelled up yesterday, and it's been too many flights in too short a time already. Just had a long seafood dinner and already, it's a changed environment.

Ir wanted so badly to get a massage, and well, given the situation, she can't. Ended up, now I'm sitting in this up market foot massage place trying to act as cool as I can... But the pain and tickle is shit. I hate this!!!! And the masseurs are still joking and having fun.... But I'm still trying to act cool,"$):/569$(2/($&?,,!!8:;)$,/;!&@ Ir i is so hate you!!!!!!!!!

The villa is nice! I so wish to put up some pictures but well connectivity is really awkward here. Should have signed for the plans. Anyhow, will post some when I can.

It's quite picturesque. Very to be honest. Never seen a place this beautiful in my life, maybe only in pictures. Quite unbelievable and I've got Ir to thank this time... Wish I'm good company enough.

Lol. This really cute Japanese teenage boy just finished his foot massage beside me! He's got no reactions at all OMG!!! @,,(:6kfxjks&,67oyd&?;€€?.\%+

A lot ran through my mind since I got here, and it doesn't help that I'm also here to work. The guys working here are extremely nice, but the efficiency leaves a lot of room for doubt. I can see the efforts, but somehow we aren't reaching our destination. I hope things turn out well on Monday.

Ok. Low batt, be right back once I get back to the villa. - 11.20PM

5AM already, and I'm just about to retire. Back in villa and brain's getting weak. Will blog more tomorrow.

Goodnight!

ONE THOUSAND

2011-02-18T05:17:00.001+08:00

Considering the stay is rather worthwhile, I guess I can quite forgive the weather.

Today in Bangkok. Off to Phuket tomorrow. Noon flight, got to sleep soon =)

MAYBE iT WAS SO

2011-02-07T20:18:00.001+08:00

Tonight made me realized nothing is real. For whatever that had happened, and has happened, it was not meant to be. Many things.

What probably disturbed me more is how volatile human relationships are. No matter how hard we try, there's that hundredth to one chance it just craps out.

Perhaps my own doings are my own demise. What we do wrong will eventually have to be paid back. That's the way things be. And had been. Has been. Will always be.

Today is the sixth day that it rained on my party. And that's the longest stretch ever. It's time to rise above. And watch the clouds.

FiRST MOBiLE POST

2011-02-07T04:47:00.001+08:00

Let's see if this actually works!

TAKiNG TiME

2011-02-02T04:17:00.002+08:00

I thought I blogged a couple times after the last post, but I think each time it was intended, it never was really penned... I must have spaced out at some point in time.

The year started somewhat great, with loads of projects lined up that could certainly feed us for a while. Then I realised how pitiful it got just trying to manage the workload. Either way, it slowed down due to some postponements, and gradually just faded down.

Issues with the relationship surfaced yet again. While some says I simply don't understand, there are some sympathies for my predicament still. Honestly, it's probably not because I don't understand, but it's more like the bystanders don't really know the back stories enough to make a serious judgement about the case.

Anyway, it came to a final boiling point where personal emotions got in the way of official work, and that irked me big time. I'm okay with tantrums, but I'm just not okay when it's spent in front of clients or co-workers. It's unsightly, disgusting, and definitely not the best opportunity to air dirty linen. To make matters worse, it made the clients uncomfortable, something I would never want to over emphasise as grossly inappropriate.

But well, it still happened. And I exploded afterwards.

The difference this time is, I did not stop to control the outburst. I decided to just let it all come out. Those instances where you've put up with something for so long, and you can't hold it in any longer. Yeah, this time I have every right to explode. And why not? If someone else thinks they have a right to do what they did, why not I the right to react my way?

Think about it. It's truly straightforward. Someone can do something they think it's right, why can't I then? It's not about wrongs or rights, but it's come to a point of somebody wants to do something, and so do I.

So yes, that's the end of the episode for now. What else can there be?

These few days has bad news or happenings piling in and knocking on my already very volatile state of mind. And it doesn't help that my birthday tomorrow is gonna suck big time. What's worse, I dropped the keys into the lift shaft earlier on cos I was too tired and losing focus, buttered my fingers there even though I wasn't carrying much in my hands. Oh, I haven't gotten new clothes, so that's the other bummer. The biggest whammy: my bed broke a few days ago, and I rushed to get a new one only to have them deliver soonest with me fixing it up myself - and now the bed is in, it's a little too huge for the room.

I'm so heavily distracted by the needless relationship bugs that I think I've become so numb and shut out. Damn the believers who thought love was forever. Literally. 11 years of pain, I'm done.

So the ultimate question, why ain't I happy? Because I was not treasured as who I am.

This CNY will suck big time. I'm just gonna hide at home and pray no one disturbs me in my room. It be best I get my own space soon, before the nagging pours in big time just for that.

2011 FiRST

2011-01-01T16:46:00.003+08:00

Tis the first post of the year, and I thought I should look forward to differences. Changes perhaps, but I would rather things stop getting stuck in places where they should not be. In the least, it should at least wrangle itself out of stuckness.

A picture to commemorate 2010 I guess!

2010 FiNALE

2010-12-31T16:52:00.002+08:00

Yeah, and I got to do it in style. Or at least I was hoping. Then it became a fast fading wish.

Happy 2011 anyway.

Last night I witnessed loads of cheer and happiness for a change. The managers and bartenders were having their last final farewell for 2010, celebrated with a slew of drinks and coffee-shop talk. I just sat there watching them. And I actually felt happy! LOL. I'm a sad creature.

RiGHT ABOUT

2010-12-28T05:48:00.002+08:00

The time when it comes to realising that things may have moved on, the world has gone on, that time has passed on, I stood here watching the world go by, knowing by heart that there's so much I've only achieved, yet, so much that is coming. I don't know, where were me when I needed me?

MERRY CHRiSTMAS

2010-12-27T04:20:00.000+08:00

or whatever that's left. I thought I was supposed to be on a break, but turns out, we gotta work more than necessary. Perhaps I need to start to say NO quicker.

i SEEK CLOSURE

2010-12-16T02:54:00.003+08:00

I do. I'm done asking why. I'm done trying. I'm done even done. Come on, make it snappy. Snappy snappy!

Let's recap:

Jan: Managed to put 3 other very dear individuals together to form the current team at work. Projects that spilled over from last year came through as the first projects under the new management. Steering the projects through with only one other working partner then. Things were just beginning to take shape.

Feb: Spent the Lunar New Year needlessly finding out waves of bad news within the extended family. But hey, who's to complain? This is probably the last New Year festival that I was actually looking forward to, since we got together to throw pineapples for good luck. We obviously did something wrong - something doesn't feel right.

March: I can't remember a single thing about March, except work and worries. Lining yup projects were difficult, and the economic downturn certainly didn't help. Nothing great about the month honestly.

April: Much like March, except that we totally missed out celebrating her birthday, a reminder that came just 2 days ago. So sore was she that I could not mend the damage at all. Here's the worst part: she got angry, I had to continue balancing work and holding the management together. The other working partner finally broke away from his previous job completely and joined in full time. Nothing in full swing though, since everything seemed to be in limbo. We also got a contract to teach. Projects stopped coming in, and the teaching/supervising project became the only bread winner.

May: Another partner joined, started putting a workflow together and pulling resources in proper. Nothing to report except that a storm was brewing that broke out the following month. All I could remember was: working through Labour Day.

June: Fights began breaking out, both at work and home. At work, getting used to my style became the buzzword, and fingers pointed fast and furious at the flaws. Nobody's fault, major mis-communications only that resulted in an almost complete meltdown of the managing team. Worst off, a family member closed shop, sank deep into debt, and I lent money that would probably not ever be returned.

July: More fights broke out - sporadic skirmish. Load of it. Morale was spiraling downwards, and recovering became a longer road. Projects dwindled in and just barely putting bread on the table. Situation at home hardly changed.

August: The Nation's birthday month, the company's dire month, the family's blank month. All the fighting was somewhat put to rest at work, and we were all trying to move on. Notable event: NDP sucked. I stayed home and watched, thoroughly disappointed. The Youth Olympics plucked no chords with us, except getting one related event project to work on. And yes, this project somewhat saved our sorry asses.

September: forth partner finally reunited. Hard battle to appease everyone, especially when individuals were under stressful conditions to perform, and put things together. Warped situations were hammered rudely into form, while personal agendas were being moved aside. Memorable moments: none. Work started pouring in for October through to December.

October: Total meltdown. Great way to start from scratch. Moods improved in all aspects, except my own. I was covering massive amounts of work, and frequencies started to knob towards the frantic end. Yes, it was all beginning to become clear we were all a joke. But to make it otherwise, extra efforts countered, but were simply insufficient to balance the backlogs. Best part, home was still - everyone was watching with anticipation to see if anything improved. Nothing did. I ran off to Australia in search of a shelter to fend off criticisms and everything else that had gone bad. 3 days later, I returned, fresh back into the melee.

November: Beyond-repair situation. I was maxed out, health dwindled. Too many projects to clear, working extended hours like never before. Company on the whole spelled trouble with failure to meet datelines. Panic pangs hit the air everyday. It was almost as if apocalypse arrived. Thankfully, some things panned out. We were saved somewhat. Then, her mom was diagnosed with cancer, and she's spreading herself so thin that I could no longer help with the cause.

December: Exactly. Here we are, work on a good track, life in dire. What a situation to be in. Health on the declined so rapid I could've just woken up not waking up at all already. I seek desperately a way to rectify the current situation again. Believe me, stepping in my shoes is as good as stepping on a land-mine. She's throwing amazing mood swings, and is hysterical about what lies ahead when there isn't much to prove the situation to be worse than it is at the moment. I've gotten into so many fights till I'm hanging half-dead. Murmurs are back, and my cough wouldn't go away. I'm beginning to suspect something much more serious than I know off. I'm so desperate for sleep, and some love. All I'm getting is a cartload of bull.

Dear friends and the beloved departed, help me.

WHAT HAPPENS

2010-12-09T00:25:00.002+08:00

Things seem to look up after 11 long long months of struggling to put things together into one big happy pile. Problem is, I am extremely fatigued. Can't seem to re-route the time to something better, or make things even more endearing.

Terrible times in good times.

REJECTiON

2010-12-02T18:51:00.002+08:00

Received news from a client today that we did a bad job. I also fell behind another. Yes, I blamed it on another project that I helped out that took up too much time. I blame the people who cannot complete their dedicate tasks. But, I also took it on myself that I didn't put my foot down enough to make them responsible.

I will change that later.

UNDER THE MOONLiGHT

2010-11-26T05:42:00.002+08:00

I wrote this piece of music for a film, and it just kept growing on me. Simple, not like how I used to overdo any part of it. Maybe I've become quite easy from being a little hands-in-the-air lately. I'm waving the white flag already. What else do you want?

HANG

2010-11-19T14:20:00.002+08:00

Thing are becoming more of a bullshit than anything else lately. I'm sitting here feeling like crap. Why? Cos everyone else wants the glory, and they just need me to deliver the goods to achieve that.

NOVEMBER

2010-11-12T00:36:00.002+08:00

hello again. hello! =)

i can't remember when i crossed over to november. but i did nonetheless. i had plenty to write, but after a really long exchange with a friend, fingers a little tired, head a little wheezy.

enjoy november folks. i know mine is thrashed. argh.

THE BURDEN OF PROOF

2010-11-07T08:20:00.002+08:00

That's the phrase that describes a defendant's task of proving innocence.

And today, it hit home again that I'm just indeed someone cut-off from all the good stuff. I appreciate the many things that I have, but the need to sustain their existence comes with many sacrifices that eventually takes some of them away. I can't even remember my last free weekend for goodness sake. I don't even remember when I actually laughed for real.

It's that hard. People change, things change, and change is the only constant. But I held steadfast to my will believing it can stay the way it is. Or at least myself. Then I found myself asking, have I changed? Yes, I have, in order to improve the unchanged that I believed to be causing me hurt. But nothing else changed.

Did change stop because I changed? Or did change changed, before I could catch up? Or could it be plain I didn't change, at all?

I fought hard for the fine little things in life, of which, honestly, I've achieve 3 frivolous things. Beyond that, there was really nothing else that shows I'm even anywhere near the fine things. I don't think this is whining anymore. I think this has become a de-sensitised assessment of my current predicament.

I wish I hard just left the country when I had the chance. Seriously. Being here stuck in a limbo for the last 10 years were truly the worst experience of my life. I can't imagine the difference in living, away from all these obligations that have finally now being taken for granted.

My decision to re-construct the company was a total mistake. I now do 3 portions more of what I used to do, and my paycheck continued to shrink because it's a brand new system in place. Utter failure.

Then, the decision to continue serenading the select few individuals in my life that I hold so dear, turned out to be the thrashing point. They cling on harder, to the point I'm about every part of everything. There is no freedom at all. I'm so stifled. Utter failure.

Just before that, I thought believing in people was my only salvation to be recognised. I believed so hard that trust and beliefs would give me a life. But it hit so fast and hard that I finally saw the true nature of being human, that there was never anyone to completely trust except for those who do, in me. I was so wasted, taken for a ride, used and repeated, and it came crushing down to teach me that one fine lesson of utter failure.

I really should have insisted on following my dreams of becoming learned in music, even if my folks had to sell the house back then. Look where I am now? Utter failure.

But no, I insisted that they needed not do that. Cos my sis was in University already, and my brother was aiming for his degree at the same time. I told my folks that I will be okay, that I had no flair whatsoever with books, numbers, theories, and the alphabets. I gladly offered my youth to take over the sinking business, and was harshly told not to butt in. The business fell apart eventually, and left whoever was left in a real fix. Not that I could have done better, but starting from young would have been their winning formula of subsistence. And swiftly, my folks told me to stay out of all Arts, and just try getting into University. My besties went through while I cried secretly at night. I visited them often at the campus, pretending sometimes that I was a freshman just to pretend I was getting a degree too. In the end. I'm still here. Utter failure.

Let me just perhaps lament for the last time that my mis-education was a misfortune, the greatest loss, and my worst experience. Yes, had I insisted to go study music when everyone at home said it wouldn't make money, but for fuck's sake, I could sell a piece for 25 thousand that my ex-partners eventually ripped off of me, I could be selling more at better rates now, be somebody, be somebody. Be somebody. Not like now. Struggling to feed. Yes, I should have insisted, instead of making myself feel better by thinking I was not cut out for it.

I asked the heavens when I got home: why? The burden of proof for me to find my destiny seems impossible.

I want many things to. But hell, I'm so sad now that I just don't want to be disturbed. I don't want to be pretending that I'm alright. Because I'm really not. And people don't understand, thinking I'm just some grouchy fool. I can't even regret when there was nothing for me to regret. I should have insisted on leaving, and left. And I did not, not because I stayed, but I was forced to stay. Why must it be so hard.

So today, I got home at 7am on a Sunday morning, doing work that others could not handle, not able to get out of it cos somebody's got to do it, and so I did it, the only next qualified person to do it. No money to hire someone who could. So I did it. And yet people lost their tempers when I did it. Why? Cos they feel I did what they should do when they cannot do it. They didn't do it eventually, cos I did it. I did it yet I got blamed for it.

I'm so burned out. So tired to the point I don't even know if I'm awake or just sleeping. I took a power nap just yesterday in-between the work cos I was so tired, and I dreamt so much that I jumped out of my nap suddenly cos everything in my head felt so real. And last night, I thought I was fiddling with the computer, only to find myself already fast asleep on it.

Geez. I just yawned. I think I must be sleepy. I don't know. After all, utter failure as the burden of proof falls apart.

FEED

2010-11-06T21:40:00.002+08:00

I crack to feed mouths. What do I get? Nothing.

This is bullshit.

RESOL

2010-10-25T22:48:00.001+08:00

I so hate hate hate
I so love love love
I so bored till I could make a wish above
That all things sickening be buried in earth

MORAL GROUNDS

2010-10-21T01:20:00.002+08:00

I spent about 15 minutes airing my thoughts, the next hour pondering about them, then... in about another 20 minutes after, I decided I'm too grossed out over what has become.

The peanut butter spilled, attracted tons of ants, and I'm rushing for work. That's how it feels like. Not helpless, just resigned. Standing between what could go awry and the freedom of expression, the moral grounds certainly has nothing in the middle. Either it hits, or misses.

I'm glad I'm actually home. Perhaps dealing head-on, face-to-face isn't my thing anymore. To make it easy, getting tired is the surest way to be undisturbed, and left alone. I like that. I missed that in fact. For a good while now I have to pay attention to someone else's needs. And it seems I cannot claim don't-knows.

Did I ever mention I got a B+ for my law test back in school? Yeah, and I was late apparently for a good 45 minutes. What does it show? Someone remembers and comes haunting! LOL.

Off the top of my head, it's really nice to be back home blogging. Really relaxing, cos I really love me-time =)

DO WE?

2010-09-18T03:21:00.003+08:00

Yeah! Do we even need to think about this?!

It's so natural... everything that goes right has no share, everything that goes wrong has someone to blame. Greatest law of nature: Goodness is taken, Blame oft orphaned.

PART iE

2010-09-10T16:36:00.003+08:00

I was hoping to get all high and drunk, have an awesome time, paint the town red, be all excited. What I ended up with was a mixture of confusion, flawed anticipation, and false pretense. That was stupid.

Disappointing.

PRiZE

2010-09-01T02:53:00.002+08:00

I was just surfing the web, watching some videos of Amita's performances, and got on to some recent footage of her win at an awards show. I like Amita a lot - for one, she's humble enough to admit that she's working really hard because she loves to sing, but on the other hand, she's not afraid to fail and to keep trying.

Then I kind of looked at myself - have I tried enough? Strangely, I started wondering what it's like to win a prize. But more importantly, what does it take to win a prize.

Mediocre and untrained. That's pretty much about me. My craft is basic, and my hearing is going. What will it take for me to win a prize? And, will I ever win one? What will I say when I get one if I ever? When will that be?

I've been to some nice glitzy prize ceremonies, and honestly, looking at some predecessors receiving awards when they're old and grey doesn't feel too good. A lifetime of work, and only a moment of glory too late into their years. Once, an ex-instructor of mine who was teaching a bunch of us ad-hoc in our school band previously, received an award after getting off his wheel chair, in his ripe age of 80. It was late, but it never was too late to some. Thing is, would it be worthwhile getting one by then?

Let's focus on one thing: do I qualify. I dare say, not this life. The truth has moved on, but I guess it can't be helped to keep wishing. And point is, if wishes come true, and dreams are realised, then wishes and dreams don't exist. If they do, they are what they are.

What's with being poignant about it? It's all about keeping yourself alive, and surviving life itself. Goodnight cyberspacemen.

SLOW

2010-09-01T01:00:00.002+08:00

I had a small fight earlier with the girl again. But at least I'm proud to say that I kept my cool far more than I used to, and kept my composure. So that's a good start to being more patient.

Aah... patience... such a simple word, such a hefty task...

I'm still trying to grasp what I should be doing next. It does seem to point out that I've got options actually, I'm just not weighing them out at this juncture. Lazy maybe, but more like trying not to rush into things. Whatever's the case, I think I'll keep it cool too. Patience..

GETTiNG BACK

2010-08-30T01:13:00.002+08:00

I've been reminiscing about the calm and quiet I got the last weekend - nobody to bug my over anything really. The only tense moment I got was trying to shower and change up under ten minutes with the temperatures going at 10. LOL.

We were kind of on the roads a lot, given one place to the next is quite a distance, despite being between thirty to an hour's drive at about 100. It's nice to have the windows down and the breeze going strong in the face, blowing the skin backwards and circling round the head. Sneezing, of course, would be a bad idea.

There was this little violinist boy at the market when we were. Didn't take any pictures cos it wasn't exactly picturesque. But to be up that early in the morning was really quite something. He wasn't the best player I've heard, but least he could manage a decent tune. Something I would consider precious in my lifetime if it did come close to being special for a street basker.

Right down to being physically somewhere else, I think for once I brought my brains along and letting it chill out together. I'm not recharged to be honest, but the calmness did my some good when so many things were fired up on the wrong end for the last couple of years. But like I told Jean, her destination was one I didn't regret. Not the slightest, not a hint.

Oh well, perhaps I should travel more, and see what else comes.

FLY AWAY

2010-08-27T00:53:00.004+08:00

Nice to be taking some time off, like after 10 years?! I actually forgot what it's like to even take a breather, let alone breathe.

Destination was, to be honest, really fantastic, even though it wasn't anywhere that people around me would go wow. Still, paying Jean a visit proved... organically a fabulous retreat.

King's Park Memorial

Some pictures to add a touch of colors to the blog finally!

Beauty

Jean's front door!

Ciao Italia

Home sweet home

And lavender grows in this town!

Nice~

Candid shot

Candid shot

Some harbor place...

Driven! LOL

Candid shot againz...

My perfect sky

Fish + chips place

Love the sunset

And that about rounds up some of the better shots using my phone's cam. Strangely, I was supposed to feel recharged... hasn't really sunk in yet.

It's hard to manage a few things at the same time right now, especially when I'm talking to colleagues about work and trying to resize the pictures here. Plus this really strange kid talking to me over MSN when I don't even know who that is. I'll write more tomorrow.

FLY

2010-08-15T19:59:00.002+08:00

Yes, I do hate flying. I never understood how people can withstand that weightlessness when it takes off, and that rush of gravity when it lands. But truth is, you can't really get anywhere in the world fast, can you?

It's been an easy evening so far. I'm kind of waiting for the computer to update to watch the show. It's taking a bit, and I can't wait! Spent a good few months editing it whenever I have the time, and now that it's done, it will be awesome to see it for myself in full!

So far, things have slowed down a fair bit. Perhaps making next weekend's trip would be great to keep the peace for a little longer. Jean thought I was flying 2 days ago, and was screaming at the other end when she found out she got the wrong dates. Good too that she called, like she said, might have ended up at the airport with nobody to pick up. LOL.

Geez. The updates are really crawling.

I realised I've not been posting pictures here for a long time. Maybe I should do that when inspirations hit or something. Good evening cyberspacemen!

FiNALES

2010-08-12T04:05:00.002+08:00

Another sad day passes with near heart-attacks and mind-bending sorrow. Not a day when I can pull myself together and say "this is what it should be!" Seems like I did make a truth somewhere. Suay.

PLAY A GAME

2010-08-08T15:15:00.003+08:00

So the game of silence has starter. I think this is one of the stupidest things to do when people are angry: they refuse to talk to communicate with the culprits in question. It's really dumb and people actually believe that's effective?!

Okay, maybe somewhat, but it just makes the situation worse by pissing everyone else off. LOL. That much I'm sure cos I'm pissed.

WHY THE RAiN iSN'T

2010-07-21T23:58:00.002+08:00

I always thought that the rain had colors, not clear as they appear when they fall and splatter. It has colors, more than what we can possibly imagine and see with our eyes, and that's why when the sun shines through the rain, the rainbows form.

Honestly, I didn't want to blog about the rain today, nor colors, nor the rainbows. I just need someone to listen to me. And blog... you seem to do that just fine. You listen patiently, and your never once did say anything that hurt me. You certainly won't go away whenever you felt like.

I've been having it hard at work. That the workload is already heavy, the people made it most unpleasant, tense, and very demoralising. I wanted to be good at what I do, but with no formal education, it's a really uphill task. I wanted to improve, to learn, but people had shut me out many times. So I learnt on my own, used my own hands, my own ears, and that got me to the best I can be, but is still far from what the younger peers with a great education, have achieved.

I've tried my best. That much I can vouch. You cannot imagine how many times I've secretly wet my pillows, or when I stare blank into the distance, given up all hope, given up all courage and determination. But each time I come back stronger, I get beaten even harder.

Why isn't there ever a fair punch pulled? I see how easily some people get to where they want to, yet I struggle like a battering ram against walls after walls. It almost feels like there is no cause. There's just more pain waiting.

It also hurts more when the very people I trust that gave me the encouragement, are also the ones beating me down.

I ran away from work today, cos it felt just like that same time 5 years ago, that I was no longer welcomed, no longer needed. Am I not good enough? Or am I simply in the wrong place? I regret carrying on. I regret. Very much. I should have stayed on my own, die a horrid death, and return to the workforce. That's about it. I regret. I'm disappointed. I'm disappointed that for the last 2 days, I wake to insults from mom. I'm used to it, it used to hurt. Now it just disappoints. That I am nothing but a ball to kick.

Why do I even want to do this, seriously? I should perhaps just stop. Quit. I thought about going automatic, robotic. Go through the motion, get through life as is. Really, what are all these for.

I don't like it here anymore. Blog, you seem like my last friend who understands. And that makes me very pathetic.

WAH LAU EH

2010-07-15T02:52:00.002+08:00

Boring... I wish I don't need to cover for so many people as compared to when I was on my own... OMG...

5TH 2

2010-06-17T01:43:00.002+08:00

I was hoping for a revisit, but seemed like I was too exhausted to keep up with myself or anything else for that matter. Truth is, whenever I go under, any newly established glimmer is worth diamonds.

I slugged to work today amidst the light drizzle, froze my ass off in the office, thinking about too many things to be of comfort. Was certain that at some point in time, it'll end up as with the befores - the looking forward dissipates into wishful thinkings, then re-engaging in routines that would certainly bored the ends off me.

What with a fistful of eagerness to accomplish my own findings eventually ends up always, as a comedic take on fantasies and childish thoughts.

Not too sure why, but tonight I suddenly played Lavender. It was nostalgic considering the circumstances it was recording in. And of all things, I found myself awed by the ability to form correct lyrical musings and really pull it off as some serious discussion topic in musical form. Other than that, what appears to be massive efforts, is really just passionate tries.

Oh, did I mention the Mac glasses are back?! We've been lunching out, upsized, and I'm getting new glasses and running out of places to put them in the office. I got to find a way to put them to good use. Nice glasses to drink from if I might add, just a little too brittle when it breaks, and they break real easy. Bummer.

As usual, mum's dumplings got rave reviews like always. Good thing that if she ever had an off day on her cooking, it usually happens in-house, and not when they are done for gourmet-mad individuals. But well, they are good, and that's all that matters.

I'm getting out of hand on myself. Help? Got milk?

5TH

2010-06-16T04:29:00.002+08:00

Ah! The new blogger templates look fab!

"My mum was complaining about how 6th aunt scored $20K at the lottery after my 5th aunt apparently visited her (6th aunt) in her dreams. Mum was lamenting about how 5th aunt could have blessed her younger sister and not her, and she went on for a while more, with the conversation ending in a pretty light mood. I mean, mum wasn't angry or anything and she just said all that in jest, but it was her missing for 5th aunt that came out blaring.

I went back into my room after packing up the hall a little I think, and there laid my 5th aunt in a bodhisatta posture on my folded sofa bed. She rang out with a bright smile on her face, loud and sweet as she had always been, "Play your music!" I was pleasantly surprised at her presence, and made no attempts to argue.

I remember resting the stuff I was carrying into the room down, then popping in a CD into the hi-fi system. The song 'Misty' came on, something I wrote many years back. As the music played on, she sang along and said again, "Play your songs!" I smiled, and started digging for more CDs. The day went on with hardly any chatter, just plain enjoying the music, the quiet, the breezy sunny afternoon, and the peace that she somehow brought with her.

The night passed quickly, and the quilt had me covered from head to toe from a really deep sleep. The sun was up and I knew it, but refused to acknowledge the brightening day. Snoozing, like they say. And as I laid with sheets over my face to block out the light, I heard a sudden scurrying of feet that circled round me once, and stopped for a really long moment. Next thing I knew, somebody lifted the sheets off my face in a snap that woke me up in a slight discomfort. What greeted me was the sweetest face, smiling and beaming in awesome delight. There was no indication whatsoever of a wake-up call, just seemingly a gentle reminder to rise already.

[What happened next can only be explained in person.]

Still, the little boy soon ran out the room, leaving me to wake up in a slight stupor of sorts, but getting up to a brand new day. I tried looking around the house for the little chap, but he seemed to have just disappeared into thin air. And that was when I opened my eyes to a bright sunny day, as if all that was a mash of time."

I called mum afterwards, thinking how she might have missed 5th aunt cos she was out the house early. It was as if my late 5th aunt had come to visit, and she could not find mum. So while I slept, she needed someone to tell my mum that she's alright and doing fine. That's all.

The feeling of serenity and familiarity was not scary, or anything like that. But the very ache of losing her to cancer could have taken quite a toil on me personally for a while.

I remember rushing to JB a couple times cos she was in pretty bad shape, 'critical condition' like my 6th aunt mentioned. The frailty of the situation, circumstance, and 5th aunt herself was a sight that no one could comprehend in full. Once, when she needed blood, I did not hesitate to sign on a transfusion donation towards the blood bank, so that she could use the emergency blood first, while we replenished the stock in the bank. The shortage was blaring, and needless to say, any arrangements is a good one.

And despite my extreme fear for needles, I went, convincing my brother to do so too, as 2 packs were needed, and I could only contribute one.

Alas, no blood saved her.

The day she passed on was a strange day. I can't quite recall, but I wanted her to gain respect of her new status, and move on, and not to look back at the young children that she left had absolutely not willingly left behind. The exact moment of her death was also not witnessed by anyone, something all of us could not live with for quite a while.

I wish she's in heaven now, looking over all of us like a shining star.

Her great fancy over spicy savors will never be forgotten, as with how she would nap at grandma's feet in the afternoons, making it difficult for grandma to get up from her easy chair. Did I also mention how funny she can be?

----------+----------

The little one, is no mystery. I know it's a vision, and a vision that will happen at some point in time. My baffles are, who is he, and what do we have to do with each other. I've been pondering about it for the entire day, but all clues stop short of announcing what it really all means.

It's been a while since I've had visions. This one will lead to something very massive. If the visions re-engages tonight, I might not be too keen to find out in real life. Perhaps for me, sometimes keeping things dreaming and alive, is better than being come alive, and passing by.

The affinity and emotional values at this point in time is overwhelming. I've been overworking and over-clocking my hours - I hope none of these are contributing to the sights, even though the pleasantness was real enough to make my heart wrench and ache in absolute kindness and love. The aptness of this post would have been just a very gentle passing comment to remember what ticked 'back then', and had lead to something, for the better or for the worse.

I've been yawning. Goodnight cyberspace.

THE GREATER

2010-06-10T03:34:00.003+08:00

I was suddenly reminiscing about something. Then I can't remember what it was all about. LOL.

It's been so long since I've actually came home early enough to do anything constructive, only to find myself smacked seated watching youtube and chatting with someone online. Then, it's already 3:30am in the morning... tired, not showered, sleepy, and very looking towards nothing.

Oh well... if only life is really just having a bud and watching the game.

I want to write music again.

YESTERDAY

2010-05-17T06:24:00.006+08:00

My favorite pass-time seems to be chasing sorrow of late, making sure that musings of success turning into catastrophic epics stay fresh like blood oozing out the wounds. I recently completed the guide assembly of a song that someone else wrote for a film, and turns out, the song zipped stronger in my head than any other. As much as I thought the song was beautifully written, it didn't quite catch on with the masses. Proven. Destiny rules stronger than efforts, sacrifices, faith, and prayers.

So there. I've thrown in the towel, yet many things continue to creep up and seemingly breathes hope that just doesn't make anything better. It made me continue to believe, yet strangely, nothing is moving towards the final drive. If I was driving, the car must have crashed at just about every turn, even brushing with sparks on a straight road beside another.

How can I move on when there is really nothing left to believe in?

I used to say, that when you've nothing, everything else is to gain. True that. So do I really need to lose myself even, just to make it worthy and capable? Because, that's what is really getting close to being. Losing myself.

I've got some neat pictures that I've been wanting to upload. So here's one, that I really thought made sense.

KEEP

2010-05-13T04:54:00.002+08:00

It's hard to imagine what life is like otherwise, when a sense of imagination does not complete the picture as much as living it.

I've come to accept all that's left behind, and it's a pity that attempts can be juiced out into tangible forms of results and scores, as compared to a translation of energies. The more I try, the harder it breaks.

Kenny, if you're reading this, honestly, go for it man.

WHAT THEY SAY

2010-05-04T03:41:00.000+08:00

You know what they say about being absolutely intangibly zoned out - the whole body, mind and soul takes a dip into the parallel worlds of heaven, earth, and hell, not knowing actually where to be headed for, and just pauses into a warp. Then, snapping out, the physical body that relies on the existence of a mind, and the mind that holds on to whatever soul is left, returns to the only place it can exist. Zoned out. I've been there a lot lately.

I've recently been pricking my conscience over who I really am, where I am headed for, but incredibly, how to spin a truthful tale. It's humbling how people point out my mistakes in the hope that I improve, but more importantly, humbling even more because I've exhausted all my knowledge in dealing with things, and beginning to learn a whole lot more with help, rather than just plain sailing into the unknown, thinking everything that has come to pass, will repeat, materialise, and eventually take root, seeding the future paces rather than impeding them.

But well, we all learn. I would gladly be anywhere, doing anything, than here pondering about, nothing.

MiSNOMER

2010-04-26T01:01:00.002+08:00

Seems like luck moaned in disgust again. It keeps me up some nights just wondering why some have, and some have not. The yearning drools into a perpetual state of cancer, and nothing seems to be drawing it back like a loosed-bullet.

Time seems to be flowing so fast. I don't even recall accurately how old I am, how long it's been, and why I'm still here, lamenting, suffering and wallowing in denial about the state of things. Perhaps there is a reason for all this, and it's only ready to show itself when I least expect it. Yeah, then it'll look like a total pleasant surprise when nothing else really worked, cutting through the depression like a hot knife through frozen cheese.

I terribly need to re-strategise living. Somehow, things are working, but not working fast enough. The longer the hours that I toil, the more unworthy the situation becomes. The harder I work, the tougher it gets to comprehend.

I used to update on happenings. But there's so little that has happened, I don't even know what else to update besides complaints against whatever's about broke.

Oh, one hard-disk failure at the office last week, cost a bomb to get back all the data, and guess what, the pinch hurt deeper than a break-up. Why are things failing?! Where is that light at the end of the beautiful tunnel?!

Gonna hit the showers. See if anything else comes up when I get back. Boo.

Nope. Nothing new. Good night cyberspace!

UNCRASH

2010-04-05T01:32:00.003+08:00

Caught a 2-movie marathon on Saturday with Kev, Ken, Ange and myself. Ken's got this issue with underlines man...

Anyway, after sending Kev home, we passed by 2 accidents along the expressway. I literally screeched to a stop and jumped right out the car when I saw the first scene: 3 people were trying to get a person out of the wreckage. I kinda ran towards them, and thank goodness, nobody was hurt. Shocked perhaps, but that's about at that point.

The second one was even more horrendous. A cab driver smashed right into the barriers, and probably spun a couple times before stopping. He was okay too, in shock and disbelief. An ambulance came for him but that's about. There was really nothing more we could do. You should have seen both accidents: the road barriers were up-rooted for quite a distance, and both accidents were barely a 100 meters apart.

It left a deep impression really. That life is so precious and fragile at the same time, it doesn't make sense to be toiling or to be hating. It's not the first time I stopped to help where I can whenever I spot an accident, but fact is, the reminders smack right into my face in times like these.

That got me thinking why people continue to squeeze themselves so hard. The last trip Jean made back to Singapore, she left me one good word: resilience. And I thought this is what I needed. A collective word to gather what really needs to be done, and put in their places. Now that I've got this word, I'll be sticking by it for a while.

Too many stupid issues, dependencies, and drama already, and I'm just about had it up there.

Didn't help that my band mate pulled out of a charity gig, because "directions were different" and he's "over-pampered by our fans". Truth is, we never had any fans, but only friends. I never treated them as fans. Cos they aren't. Heck, I wouldn't have people who actually appreciate what I write or sing or play, except for friends like them. What fans?!

Then the bombshell dropped. I don't relish the gift of friendship when people just don't value it. I get pointed the finger one final time because somebody couldn't claim responsibility for his stupid actions. If you read wrong, forgot, or screwed up, admit it, life moves on. Instead, he pointed the finger at me, and said I insisted on the course of action. That is not something I am pleased with.

So there. Resilience. Since people are so prone to self-defensive defiance, I'll let them be. Sure, go get your own fans. Go get your own shields.

I ain't got no fans, ain't got no shields. I'll admit when I did bad. But I'm happy. The very least, I'm honest enough to admit I'm crap.

PERHAPS HOME

2010-03-18T04:27:00.002+08:00

I'm so upset by the lack of ability to turn many things around, and it bore down on me like a pile-driver on an egg. It's always about paying, earning, spending, saving. Its so sad that life revolves only around cold hard cash that people lose and blind themselves so thoroughly, only to eat up their own passion and miss all their growing up.

It's tiring to keep up, and the robust facade is slowly cracking up.

My pity is so plush, that I'm beginning to feel rich welling in sadness.

HADN'T

2010-03-11T04:39:00.002+08:00

So much had happened in the last couple days that saw nothing short of drama after drama, episode after episode, a big bunch of stubborn people, ignorant fools, dumb decisions, fake benevolence, and totally incomprehensible storylines.

But after all, this is real life.

I'm very burdened by the constant on-the-moves, and its wearing me out too much to have any more effect. I spoke to unmoving people, and gradually just grew too tired to go on talking. Thankfully, of course, there are spurts of stupidity that cracks up the scenario like some unplanned choreography. Sweet, in the bitterness.

Whatever that has happened so far, I've come to learn some important lessons, that although I know I did, I just cannot remember at the moment.

Anyway, I'm just too tired to do anything else. Gonna retire for now. More tomorrow.

GREEN

2010-02-23T03:20:00.002+08:00

I was watching tv, some variety program going on, and Soda Green was getting on with a singing game. Gosh, didn't realise they were gay, and the lead singer's so darn cute I could just fall in love.

Been missing a lot of blogs lately. Been busy definitely and way blown-off my line of thoughts on too many occasions to even begin with. Good thing is that the situation has locked down somewhat, but the paranoia sets in just because it feels weird to be having free time.

For the last 2 months, I'm either still at work at this hour, or fast asleep because I was too sick to keep myself up. As for tonight, I don't know. Seems like an easy night to just... you know... blog.

Finally got done with the show. Exhausted from like a hundred rehearsals and over the show itself, massive responses from the people who showed up, complete with fan cue cards that read "Nightsound we love you" and "Forever we remember you!" LOL. Those were the highlights, awfully cute and heartening.

Then that's it. The end. All done and packed to go back to where we all came from. I would have loved to just keep hitting the roads with the band, keep making music, keep enjoying music, keep listening to other music, keep exploring music, keep loving music. Perhaps, not this lifetime. Maybe some day we be back in the limelight.

Listening to Alicia's New York, made me wonder if I could be traveling somewhere too. Go places, see places, enjoy, find some inspirations somewhere. Then a friend in Taiwan wrote, said the weather's been freaky cold. All I ever got here was the sun. Hot, humid weather that gets an occasional dose of showers. And here I am admiring the cold in Taiwan. I still remember this old Japanese couple who came over to Singapore to do some research with premium access to the Studio Gibli Museum. I want to go there to. See Totoro and maybe catch the Cat-bus.

I can't believe I've stayed here all these while for all the wrong reasons. It's stifling but I can't seem to find a good reason enough to excuse myself from this place. For the folks, the family, for like everybody else except myself. I want to get somewhere. And I hope soon. I'm getting depressed just being here.

Laments laments. That's what you're here for bloggy! LOL.

Hmm... can I blame some people for a change? Can I blame my folks for letting everyone else do what they want, let them fail, then got me into a tight spot to achieve big cos everyone didn't live up to their expectations?

Can I blame my teacher for calling me a bad egg cos I didn't read that magazine my friend just threw over to me? And I felt like shit for many more years after that that I did no wrong, but felt like as if I did? And I kept feeling like I'll always screw up somehow?

Can I blame my friend who misplaced my best friend's note book, and my best friend thought I hid it so that he couldn't study for the test? And made him angry with me for days, before we found it under someone else's desk? That made me feel like I got shot in the war-zone by friendly fire?

Can I blame my colleague in the army who let go of his side of the load, and nearly cracked my spine? Had me in pain for years after, with no respite? No cure? Just a really bad ache and sprain that won't go over? That I could freeze in bed sometimes at night, and just go numb for hours?

Can I blame the people who made use of me to get what they want? Made me write music for their selfish reasons, went on their way thereafter and forgot about me? I ain't asking for credits, I want to keep working together?

Can I blame my ex-manager who never gave me a chance to stay in the company, just because the boss hired me and she didn't? That she got angry just because her authority was side-stepped by the boss? Her boss? And she wanted me out that bad that made me thought I was a bad worker? Unworthy for the company?

I would love to go see New York some day. But before that, Taiwan's night markets will be fun, and Japan's cityscape must be a sight to behold. Oh, perhaps Australia might have something's nice, like an old friend and her home? LOL. Heard plenty about Thailand, South Korea, Cambodia, and even Vietnam too, and where was I all these time?

Fucking life. Do I need to wait till I'm 50 years on, made a tidy sum of savings just to spend it all over the world in frail health and diminished mental state? I love looking at pictures, especially those of my younger friends who traveled tons. Almost seem like I was there, and that affinity gets closer cos I know them. Oh gosh. This life is pre-destined. And mine's really badly programmed with mediocre to rotten luck and opportunities. Imagine getting hired, and 4 months later told to take over the manager's position just cos the boss couldn't stand having a manager that sells more products than him?

Kudos to Soda Green for taking their step forward. Love the music.

And thanks Alicia, for keeping me coming tonight =)

NEW YORK

2010-02-23T03:18:00.002+08:00

I love this song...

i SHOULD POST

2010-02-08T04:08:00.006+08:00

Yes I should. =P

HAPPY BiRTHDAY TO ME

2010-02-03T02:26:00.001+08:00

YEAH. FUCKED UP ONE. AGAIN.

HiNGE

2010-02-02T02:42:00.002+08:00

Of all the times when everyone wants everybody else to attend their whatever and whatever, they don't even attend others' whatever and whatever, yet the expectation goes on to pretend it subsists like a rusty hinge that can continue to hold the door up and not get broken. Whatever.

So the show has a very big plus point now: everyone who's coming are genuinely coming. Woohoo~!

NEW

2010-01-29T04:44:00.002+08:00

I didn't quite know what to put as a header, so I just thought I'd pen it as it is. A new post. LOL.

It's been a very very grueling month so far. With the incorporation of the company, I'm drowned in work and administration almost with no end. Good thing is, there is finally something to look forward to, since I can finally work in a team rather than go solo. So many things have happened, but nothing feels a light as it is right now. Perhaps I've grown a little older, learned a little more, and seen a little wider, heard a little deeper.

I'm trying to get Project X finished. Regis had tried his best to make the deadline past Friday, so I have till Monday morning instead to hand in my work. He's a sweet little guy, just quite blur and lost in his own world. Greenhorn maybe, but well, I'm not complaining as long as my things get done.

Exciting time come tonight - I'm finally gonna catch one of my favorite singers in a brand new showcase. Got the most expensive tickets at $168 a pop... burnt a really big hole in the pocket... just hope its all worth it.

As time wears on, I've also began to realize how much I've neglected some very precious people. Rest assured, I'm trying desperately to keep my temper in check and not just flare out over my own frustrations. It's quite simple to put things where they are once I figure out what they are in the first place, so I'm taking it with ease instead of haste right now.

Maybe they were right. Patience grow as you grow. Of course, that's subjected to the right kind of cultivation and not sowing seeds of pain for myself in the end.

Been on steroids and antibiotics for a few days already, after getting infected with a terrible unending cough from K. Recovering well, but I fear for next week's show - if I ain't got a voice, there ain't gonna be no singing. That be a major major bummer, considering it's gonna be a closing act of sorts. Keeping my fingers crossed on this one.

I'm beat. The steroid's making me floaty, but the cough syrup's making me drowsy. When two opposing sides collide, it just ends up as one big mash of blob - as like me right now. Anyway, gotta catch some winks. Later y'all cyberspace.

A ViDEO DiARY

2010-01-25T03:09:00.000+08:00

Nice!

I was involved! YEAY!

RE-WORK

2010-01-10T03:34:00.002+08:00

I'm scrambling to get some things done all of a sudden... OH, HAPPY 2010! WOOHOO~!

While I'm about to close the company's accounts, and setting up the 2010 one, and in the midst of finishing up production on Kenny's film, "3 Days Grace", I'm struggling to complete the ever elusive show details in February. Re-arranging songs over a span of 8 weeks isn't my strongest point yet. Granted, we are progressing somewhat in the likeness of decent, parts still feel flaky and out of control. I have to admit I'm excited as much as irritated by the amount of things to be done, and certainly, the show is something I'm plunging a lot of efforts into.

Then again, who really cares?

I'm leaving the hair long for now till I decide what to do with it next. And while that is growing, I'm getting tangled messes just about every other day with hair wax and spray, just to keep them in place. But the weather's been a little strong, and the winds are really not keeping them in check. Time is something I badly need, yet, I can't wait for time to pass.

Made many new friends at the shoot, and people are adding me here and there on FB. Strangely though, gaming on FB is seriously a big thing, and adding friends means getting more credits or power-ups! LOL. I Like!

Whatver...SLEEP TIME!

GOODBYE 2009

2009-12-31T03:31:00.002+08:00

And good riddance for a year filled with angst, frustration, tragedies, and despair! For a freak once, this is one year not worth the remembering. Now that it's just hours away, and prompted by similar 2009 last posts around the world, I'm joining the foray in the thrashing of 2009!

Let's see... Mas Selamat is now very last century. Obama took office. Liverpool's performance was crap. Some people got married, others divorced. Financial crisis toppled a big number of rich people. Swine flu made a come-back. H1N1 made a greater disaster. Earthquake struck, people died. And it struck a couple more times. North Korea remained as is. So did Myanmar. APEC increased trade, climate's still in deep shit. Water rising, countries disappearing. More hit and runs. Murder via decapitation. Afghanistan in limbo, again. Writers went on strike. LDP lost control in Japan.

What a 2009. Isn't there any good news?

The biggest news on "I" - a rapid decline of posts. Reviewing what "I" had been for the last year, tblog was dropped, and postings were far than few. There was an almost exponential drop in the number of photographs posted of the dailies, which also translates to very little visual accompaniment to remember 2009.

Hence, my priority 2010 resolutions are to rectify the short notes above, and make good to re-establish the blog! YEAY!

Whatever it may be, hunt around this page for links to various micro sites that may point out more of me in 2009. A*mei is definitely one of the few fresh things that happened...

Nevertheless, GOODBYE 2009, GOOD RIDDANCE, AND HELLO 2010~!

POST TOAST

2009-12-28T01:36:00.002+08:00

Not too bad a holiday, considering we've toiled for almost a month over the documentary that should have been finished like months before. So we had a small dinner, some coffee, and probably some treasured moments. Long weekend. I ain't complaining.

And now that I have a long report to type, gonna save some typing energy here. Cheerios!

SEASONS

2009-12-25T05:48:00.001+08:00

Merry Christmas ya'all!

AWAKENED THE DRAGON

2009-12-11T01:27:00.002+08:00

They say its a good year coming up, and that many things will go my way. I'm quite into this whole predictions thing, so I'm really banking on what it means. Struggles or not, things seem to be looking up in terms of flight, even though the gravity remains a force to be reckoned with. I'm slowly adjusting my sights, both near and far, to better manage expectations that were never there before.

I've practically stopped blogging activities due to an avalanche of work. I know... so what's new right? But point is, it is happy busy for once, and it's getting interesting by the day. What I thought was almost the hardest thing to do is getting done at least, and the momentum is moving swiftly along. So yeah, a change for a long time I suppose.

How's everybody doing? I would really love to catch up, but time is of the essence now. I can't imagine what I would be doing without all these lovely people around me, despite heavy resistance from detractors. Still, looking forward was never this easy.

Just putting a little time-stamp here I guess, for tonight at least! =P

THE HEROiCS

2009-11-30T01:38:00.002+08:00

I was contemplating what to do tonight, after like totally maxed myself out on BBQ chicken wings set in front of the telly. Then came in here, fed my games addiction a little, and started chatting online. A week's worth of sweat at the congress and exhibition, plus 3 months of money woes (and still not out of it), I thought it be nice to just laze.

Kinda pointless to keep wondering how many people are swearing at me for not making the payouts on time. Damned. I'm so gonna lose 4 years of reputation basics, not to mention years of reliability. Soon to go in a matter of weeks. OH PLEASE OH PLEASE... PAY ME!!!

Gees... I'm so bored till I'm actually sending emoticons...

Oh well, maybe I've grown tired of blogging. Partially cos of the lack of content, but probably cos I don't want to report to cyberspace like some routine no more. For the fact that nobody really digs this site, and that there's so much to put into English text, its tiring man.

Anyway, my band's playing in Feb 2010. Check out the details on the FB page: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Nightsound/83712656511

Buy tickets early!

MAKE A TRAiL

2009-11-23T00:45:00.003+08:00

And to think trails and trials are but 2 places off.

I've so vexed by a multitude of issues concerning the next big move - I'm getting many opinions and suggestions, just don't have the time to weigh the options. Then again, for the first time, my discouraged soul was immediately pushed to the front and shone a guilty light on for a change.

I WANT MONEY!

SLEEP

2009-11-19T02:14:00.002+08:00

I finally got some time off from work tonight, came home early, chilling out, then someone's gotta call me up and piss me off. I don't get it. Not like my mind needs anymore things to think about, but seriously, I just don't wanna be taken for a ride.

Can't people just tell how jealous, envious, uninterested others are when they get the vibe? Or is the vibe not apparent enough that it has to be all said?

OMFG. This is getting damned stupid. Regret tying up loose ends.

Gonna take a freaking long shower till I melt or something.

----------+----------

And so I did. A really long, warm shower to beat the cold and to soothe the skin.

I'm peeling like crazy...

BUZZED

2009-11-17T02:21:00.001+08:00

Was trying desperately to do many things at a go, to the point I don't really know what I'm doing. Apologies for the lack of updates, but this month is totally crazy. Penniless, and fighting to survive.

Wish me luck.

PROUD

2009-11-12T04:35:00.002+08:00

Let's see... something I've done recently that I'm proud of... nothing.

I've been so tied up trying to figure out what went wrong, I don't even know why I'm even still at it when I can't even figure out why I'm figuring it out.

The most haunting thing is certainly the rubbish that has piled up from all the backlogs. Plus, with people not paying up, I'm just about to think it's game over.

Well, technically, it IS game over.

Now, maybe there is someplace I wanna be.

CRUSHiNG

2009-11-03T02:18:00.002+08:00

You are crushing.

Just as the world is promised, the world is un-promised. I cannot comprehend how people can say one thing and do another altogether. Is that right? Is that even the proper way of working something out at all?

It feels really bad when someone agrees to something to me, or assures me of something, and the next moment, it's completely different. Do you ever get that? While I try to deliver my words, people default without even needing to try.

Crushing.

If the feeling is akin to having the end of a shoelace stuck in between the foot and the shoe itself, I guess it'll be easier to bear.

Crushing.

To think I actually bore such occurrences, I must be really dying to be noticed, loved, or even asked about. It's almost like I'm in a state of attention-deficit or something. Oh well, perhaps it is time after all to cut some people out of my life for good, instead of hoping that they'll come around.

Gosh, I'm actually hungry, running in between this blog and the studio, dumping out music for an artiste. I can't hide my excitement, but things of late isn't looking too bright, so that sort of leveled things back to neutrality.

Since I last realised how few people I actually can call in an instant, I've been trying hard to keep a look out for luck-mates. Like they say, birds of a feather flock together, and it gets irritating doing things all by yourself after a long long while. And as the search goes on relentlessly, I also discovered how people tend to just sweep me aside for the fact that I'm useless lest I've something to offer.

Pragmatic in a way I suppose, but hey, I probably did the same to some people anyway. Pots and kettles will eventually get black.

Mounting bills, discolored interests, increasing stress... OMG. Given a million dollars, I might just head to the doctor for a check-up first, and make sure I know what's wrong with me for certain.

I've been lying to myself for the longest time that there is no medication for my condition. Point is, I can't afford it. So yeah, let's live and let live, see where I end up eventually. I do wish at times that life is a real flash, yet on other days, I hate the fact that I'll fall before the average census death age. Sucky, but while, too many should haves and what ifs to count to put things back into perspective isn't it?

Who's really reading this I wonder? Besides this little girl I take as a little sister that's been snooping around for info! LOL.

Jolly well, I should think I need to get some rest soon.

LEARNT

2009-11-02T01:17:00.004+08:00

I think I have to learn to be an employee in my own company. It's not working out, that I was actually working on Halloween, when I should just round up the cause and head out for a party!

It didn't happen of course. Not much to my liking.

Yes, I shall learn how to finish my work and call it a day. That way, I can be more productive than procrastinating.

I've been playing a word game online for the longest time, and guess what, I can actually feel my way around the keyboard, no longer needing to look at it as I type. That's gotta say that I'm spending too much time on the game isn't it?

----------+----------

I made one of my life's most disheartening decisions today. I told someone off, and decided enough is enough. Yes, indeed, enough is enough. I've been too nice to people all the time, to the point I can forgive people who do the same things all over, never learning their lessons, never learning from their mistakes. So I decided for sure, I cannot forgive anymore, for if there is one person I cannot forgive still, it's myself for being nice to others when they deserved nothing more than their responsibilities, and I, baring the brunt of their mistakes.

Then again, what is a mistake? To err is to be human. But yet, it feels like I'm used and only usable when needed. That's not what I am? I am someone. But it seems taking me for granted is easy, when I come forth so willingly and sincerely, its so easy to forget that I am human too.

Oh, salute those who've braved the weather with a cardboard over their heads. If God made a money-back guarantee on life... can I have my money back?

TWO HUNDRED

2009-10-29T00:21:00.000+08:00

Now that I think back about how 300 men inspired an entire nation to rise up against their adversaries, I begin to think how I might be inspired to use the last 200 bucks in my coffers, to rise against this unbearable tide of failure.

And while the 300 men died heroically, will I, too, die trying, die a pauper?

SHOULD HAVES

2009-10-27T03:02:00.002+08:00

I'm beginning to believe strongly that I should have done more bad things in this lifetime. Like spend more money, rip more people off, sleep and fuck around some more, drink even more, party more more, hang out way more, enjoy the materials things all the more.

My life is mundane. It has become loaded with responsibilities, kind heartedness, and worse, living with obligations based on an unwarranted guilt inculcated by the needs of others, and not my own. I feel I must do something to make others happy, so that I can be happy. I was wrong. I am still wrong.

I can't sleep well at night knowing I might have not done something for someone, or have been unable to assist someone, or even said something nice to someone. I've tried talking mean to my love ones when they deserved it, and in the end, I hurt myself more by forgiving them more than they really need to be. For all that I've forgiven, I cannot forget how mean they were, yet, unable to reconcile the fact that I love them all so much and cannot bear to not be nice.

This is a shit life. My life's a shit life. Really. The issues start when you're nice, and people begin to climb all over and take advantage of you being nice. I'm so used, and still, I'm nowhere.

I'm poor, I'm in debt, and I'm still trying to make ends meet. Worst part: I'm still trying to make people happy. Why? I do not know.

As of many other nights, tonight I feel helpless. I need some pointers, some advice, but I have no one to ask. It always feel like I'm alone whenever I have important things to decide, and there isn't anyone qualified around me to answer them, or even give their two cents worth. Its almost as if I live alone on an island, watching the world move on while I'm still stuck in isolation.

And even if I tried getting more heads together in an attempt to brainstorm what one million others before us might have already thought and attempted, everyone's busy, caught up, or simply not in the mood. And that leaves me fighting my lone war to benefit those who depend on me, while they continue on with their lives, oblivious to the struggles of the hand that feeds.

Well, laments aside, I want myself to know at least, that I'm in no perfect health. And since I'm gonna die soon anyway, I begin to ask why I might be responsible for everyone else's living when my own is shorter than the average.

There's this boy on my FB who has had multitude of illnesses, accidents, and bad relations. Yet, born with a silver spoon, he sprouts his cause for the GLBT community, but totally detached from others' woes. When he posts videos of bullying, accidental deaths, or even gorish content in real life, he could so simply laugh about it and take it like God's wicked joke on human life. And he is all glee when people bolsters his ideals, thoughts, or simply "words of wisdom", which in my opinion, are laden with half-truths and immaturity, and are hardly wise until you look it up in your own head.

Here's the difference: he is rich, not too bad looking, and best of all, assy. That makes him cool, attractive, and completely independent (based on his dependence on the wealth already bestowed upon him). And he goes around completely uninterested in his studies, cos he really don't need to, unconvinced with others' sincerity, cos he believes the world is dead just because he is ill, and critically believes the world owes him, and he has no responsibilities whatsoever to anyone else.

And the situation is as such: he has everything. And he can afford anything. And beat this: he don't care if you're alive, or dead. He is unafraid, and he is totally unconcerned what happens to you. Now hear this, he is very popular, and he has an army of wise sayings anytime you speak to him.

I really don't know how he ended up on my friends list, but he is like the epitome of good and evil. He opened my eyes to how someone can be so brave against everything and everyone else, yet, be worshiped like a demi-god with his words.

I'm appalled, and very dumbfounded. I'm disgusted, yet envious at the same time. I reflect my life as a mirror to his, and I see my own side as a broken, shattered imagery, while his is a gleaming shot of the perfection I so yearn.

SIGH.

I'm already quite close to a melt-down, my motivation is in the Fahrenheit, but unmeasurable in the Celsius. This is shit.

KRUNCH

2009-10-21T02:09:00.002+08:00

I've been so slow with my blogging lately, that I think I should stop all the same! LOL. Nobody responses and hardly anyone sweeps by here. Oh well, what the heck.

I'm sick, heaty from too much BBQ chicken wings. Yeah, some people already reprimanded me over that, but shucks, how can anyone resist sitting in front of the TV, just gnawing away at the wings with a easy chili dip?!

And the worst part about feeling sick is that you know exactly what's wrong, and you're not putting a 101% effort to recover sooner. So there I go, still on cold drinks and fried food, even though they are in limited portions...

The biggest news to report on this October morning thus far, is that I'm about to owe people money, because a lot of others are owing me. Dammit. Bitches in the business world. I wonder what it will take for them to fall flat and stop cheating on others.

Anyway, I'm home early for a change, after a few days of round the clock work - see! working so hard although I'm so sick! that's gotta count for something - so I suppose resting early is priority now.

Cheerios cyberspace.

STAR STRUCK

2009-10-11T04:00:00.002+08:00

I was appalled to see a link to Razor TV's renewed interview with Ris Low, the fallen Queen convicted of fraud and put on probation. If it wasn't enough of an episode from the start, Razor picked up from where they left off last: what happens now.

A myriad of questions were asked, seemingly directed to give Ris a chance to clarify and offer explanations to her incidences within the public eye. When it started off with questioning her capabilities, it was painful to watch a teenage girl admitting to her faults and mental conditions at such close-up personal levels.

Hundreds of comments that were divided with unease over if she was honest, or dishonest with her new revelations were astounding. Public opinions were either favorably empathic, or ridiculously doubtful, with barely a handful that showed even a small hint of neutrality.

Bashing her or patting her on the back was the order of the day.

However, upon closer scrutiny of the videos, the edit was favoring sensational news reporting, intended to incite emotional responses that have seamlessly led to the successful creation of the clips in the first place.

I was empathic towards the harshness of the media spotlight which she has suffered - likewise, I was conned into even completing the entire set of clips.

Evidently, not only was Ris led to answering questions with "sensational" answers that she was clueless about, the various edits made by the producers at Razor tightened the dramatics of the interview overall. What can be said, thus, is that the public had been led, and continues to be led into emotional opinions that in turn, creates a new wave of success for Razor TV.

Given our current state of immaturity towards the future - in various aspects of our everyday lives that is - the media continues to paint the town red for the sake of material gains, downright diminishing careful, mature, and even thoughtful assessments of events.

As our media continues to shape the future, I fear one day, we may all be thrown into the absurdity of bullish, even nonsensical answers, to the simplest question: who are you?

On hindsight, although Ris was given a chance to speak at her pace and air her thoughts, she was led by the nose to provide tacky answers enough to, in turn, lead the viewers by their noses to believe whatever Razor wants them to believe.

Who's the real loser now? The viewers.

TRUE iNSPiRATiONS

2009-10-07T00:17:00.002+08:00

If we are even before Medieval times, I might actually be a very rich man just sitting around doing nothing and just think. I belong to the wrong fucking era simply. All those thoughts must have been worth a million more than what I am thinking what they have already thought about back then. DAMMIT.

Is there a job where I can just sit and think all day?

Anyway, I got this spark of insanity: if there is anyone willing to switch a life with me for any amount of time, you become me and I become you, leave a message somewhere around the blog where I can see it.

Oh, life's a real bitch when there's nothing left to think and do constructively.

WELCOME TO 6TH OCTOBER

2009-10-06T05:03:00.002+08:00

I'm alive! LOL. Came home with a massive burp attack, and I thought I was gonna die from you. But well, the chest tightens even as I type, feel like thumping the chests till they burst open just to get the stuck air out.

Yes, Clay, it isn't too hard to find me back here! Ha~ Google me and viola~!

But well, I'm still under the weather both physically and mentally. Having some work to do is pretty nice so far, takes the mind off and pushes the body quite a bit to really tire out. Think I really need to get back on my exercise routines soon before I totally phase that out without cause. Flabs are piling at all the wrong places, and I need to stay in shape for more things to come.

Laments laments. I will break free from this disease.

HOLA

2009-10-05T00:35:00.002+08:00

Okay. Now I'm totally depressed. To begin with, nobody ever just looks me up. Secondly, the rejected applications swept me off my feet. Thirdly, I'm hungry and I feel like eating but my tummy's really flabby now. Lastly, I'm really tired.

Now I'm totally depressed like totally beyond totally. Call me a blondie, but I'm depressed.

WHAT iS

2009-10-04T15:16:00.002+08:00

And so nothing is. For someone who has the blessings on at least a successful factor, we are the ones who end up chasing wind and getting nowhere. 6 applications, 4 has already been rejected in under 5 days. Demoralising.

HOW i GOT HERE

2009-10-01T00:07:00.002+08:00

In case anyone wonders, I moved to blogging here cos of tblog's immense lack of functional updates. Even the simple task of posting an entry has become a nightmare after I started on Vista. Error-proned, I just kind of abandoned the thing altogether. But... I did leave behind my favorite song! LOL.

Much has happened, and nothing much has happened since I last made an entry. Aside from the astronomical pace of changes to the things and people around me, it's really quite hard to retell events that are insignificantly significant. How should I say? Redundance amidst chaos.

Too many arguments, too many processes, just simply too many things to laze over.

Geez... I really don't have the vibe to retell the past week.

HAPPY SMiLES

2009-09-25T03:59:00.002+08:00

That was what someone told me, about the thing I make others do most often.

I'm glad - for one, hidden behind a hideously gangster face, I actually managed to score something pleasant and uplifting. I asked someone else if I should at least cosmetically enhance my features for a gentler look, and coincidentally, I was given the inner-beauty praise.

If I were to put money aside, living with a better look could potentially score me better opportunities everywhere. This thought bothered me as much as excited me loads. Then again, would I be able to live with it. So for a change, I thought it would be nice to just sleep early, gain some needed rest for the skin, hoping it would brighten up the horrors of a common face slapped on with a bumpy exterior.

What am I saying... ?!

Yes, looks do influence confidence factors, and acutely gains perceptions on impression indexes. Evilised.

LONELY AFTER MiDNiGHT

2009-09-24T03:08:00.002+08:00

Maybe I've grown to become overly nocturnal and actually getting quite accustomed to the crickets and occasional breeze whistling through the window seams, it actually is quite nice to be up alone after midnight with minimal disturbances and calls. Then it gradually became a habit of staying up for the sake of it.

Now, I can't get into sleep and have nothing much to do in this witching hour. Totally bored, totally lonely.

I tried getting people out for suppers and drinks, but as of last week, I found myself completely out of people to call. Either work the next day, plans the following morning, school, trips, meetings, I can't seem to find anyone to just go chill. And as the numbers dwindled, I found out a truth... I actually have very few friends.

Maybe I'm naive. But I've been trying hard to make new friends, perhaps those who have a perchance for nights, and instead started staring down at younger and younger people. For friends who continue to beep on my IM at this hour, they would love the supper, minus the distance of a few thousand kilometers.

So it is, for the last 3 weeks, I finally ran out of people to whine to. And emptied my phonebooks with no one to complain to, talk to, even just share an emo moment. Damn, I think I'm seriously wasting my life.

And if that is true, I'd rather get high and happy while I'm at it, instead of staring down the net and the world wide web, feeling that sore of a loser.

I should really get my hair done right. For as long as I can remember, a new hairstyle perks me up for at least a day, each time I walk out with what the salon has done, and actually getting kind, endearing, and sometimes envious stares. If there is one thing I hate to do, that is to style my hair, myself. So imagine the yearning for admiration on days like these.

Oh, strangely, the topic of looks came up in some conversations over the last couple days, and it seems there are more people who are oblivious to the fact that not-so-good-looking people like myself, actually wished for a better face. Then the flow of topics across different conversations (considering I'm the median) came to me, not having it easy like many others who are better endowed financially. Then again, I'm not exactly the best businessman material to begin with, and my hardworking antics and ethics aren't exactly in their best forms too...

I'm actually getting quite sleepy from this. LOL

Sorry folks... I gotta edit this one again soon... shutting eyes...

CONTEST

2009-09-23T19:21:00.001+08:00

I thought I should really blog about this... probably one of the most expensive lessons that I've ever had: I took part in an sms contest, where every answer earns you points. Spent about 600 bucks, and earned about 1,000,000 points, that's one million over points. Climbed to the top 3% of contestants.

Guess what?

Someone scored 11,000,000 points and still didn't win. Thus far, the highest score I know: 79,000,000 points. Translate that to cash, that's about two thousand bucks worth at least.

Moral of the story: work hard, stop dreaming.

iMPOSSiBLE TO REACH

2009-09-22T02:15:00.003+08:00

close your eyes, try to sleep
let your heart a place to be
the days that hurt you, reminisce
try to find a reason to believe
all the fears were left to breathe
all is impossible to reach

all these time, it's still a pleasure to hear your voice
taking every step you've been

and all these times, tears me apart from a single piece
leaves me hanging, breaks the scene

the sun sinks beneath the ridge
a lone figure stands in between
a shadow soon oblique

SENSATiONS

2009-09-20T00:27:00.000+08:00

I want to write a nice song. One that says everything about everything that I am.

HOT

2009-09-15T15:32:00.004+08:00

If anyone caught my greatest attention: Lady Gaga!

FORMS

2009-09-13T03:13:00.002+08:00

I was getting quite some sparks of insanity today, wanting to do some things I actually have been putting off for some time. One of them to get another new band going. I like playing in bands, especially with those who don't just whine about taking time to practice or just chilling out, or even complaining about paying for jams.

Not like it costs an arm or a leg.

So, I kinda started hunting around for a band to join, or people to create one! Excites!

Supposed to act in a film later. Wonder how my skills would be from behind the camera to the front again. Would be exciting normally, but I'm just kinda feeling a little too unbothered about it at the moment.

Perhaps I'm truly beginning to enjoy my life.

09.09.09

2009-09-10T00:07:00.004+08:00

Honestly, I didn't know it's the 9th of September today! Top it off with 2009, it's a fabulous 09.09.09! Nice~! And to think I kinda wasted it at the beach getting not a lot of sun after all... oh well =) Happy Kid Me!

CAST A SHADOW

2009-09-06T04:50:00.002+08:00

Things a kinda looking up because I had time to reflect. To top it off, I actually had time to simmer myself, and not just explode. That would have been ugly... very ugly.

So yeah. I'm heard at long last. Even for just a little bit.