CATCHiNG THE WiND

I occasionally catch up on anime. Not exactly catching up. More like turning to it when I haven't any better things to do. Or just simply, too dull on my emotions.

Haven't blogged for a long while. Things looked up a bit, so I'm kind of feeling blessed at the moment.

But where was I?

Oh. Anime.

It's like a form of fantasy based on reality. And somewhat readapted from fantasy to become an alter- reality. I like the fact that voice artistes take the immense effort to create that exact emotion required to string the storyline. I could probably write an entire article on that alone, then again, it's mainstream portrayal with a very high impact and cost.

So I watch anime as an escape like everyone else. Unknowingly of course.  The entertainment beats sitting up all night wondering why I'm home on a Friday night. But that's the magic. So I digress..

My back hurts from slouching over the computer too much.

I've realized how petty I've become over relationships. Always had been, and trying a good mile of honesty to traverse sensibility. It's no wonder I take too damn long to apologize even for minute tantrums. I throw tantrums a lot, as I've come to realize. And perhaps it's time to stop.

Whinging. That's how bestie puts it. Rightfully so. Under a 1% outlet, anyone would be doing it on social media within 255 characters. For me, it's nice to know I'm not alone, not neglected, and certainly cared for. Time to reflect perhaps. 

Good 2015 everyone. I wonder if anyone actually still reads my rants. 

NOTHiNGNESS

It wasn't easy moving on with a lot of things. The company, passion, and love. I seek comfort, but I don't know where.

RUNNiNG TO STAND STiLL

I finally made some time to blog. Since August I've been missing plenty of myself. At first I thought I had something good going, finally deciding to help a friend to reach a most noble goal. After my visit in Perth during the end September-early October periods, which also sadly saw the demise of a dear friend's father, I took up the challenge to do something out of my comfort zone and gut feel.

There were plenty of sincerity in the beginning, to work together and achieve something. I was slowly convinced that it could work after processes were started and proof of work done started to trickle in. I was so convinced that it could help me grow, become better, make some side pocket money, and perhaps help my business in some ways.

I started to work really hard, with the notion that things are moving, results are showing, and we were on the right track. For what I was weak in, I tried to understand and improve. I know I'm not smart, but at least my efforts were evident, putting extra hours aside from my regular company runs. It was exhausting, but brilliantly good tired.

The new business brought me to some places I could only dream about going, and met some people I might never have the opportunity to meet on my own. It was exciting and fun. I thought I could be rolling along really well.

Then things started to get, strange. The direction first set was so clear, but it was also clear that the things I was doing were deviating. It was said to be detours, but they started to get in the way from the goals I was so convinced of in the first place.

Not long after, I started getting "chopped", as it was described, as an example to those who were not working hard enough, getting me slowed down. But if I was every bit the victim of the lack of work done by others, why was I punished for it?

Then came the issue of money. I asked for nominal tokens initially because of my lack of experience and relevance in the field of work, but soon the figures became astronomical. But the money was delayed as I was told. So I began forking out the money "temporarily". Soon, they added up from again nominal to astronomical.

I'm not born to a rich family. I grew up in the suburbs. I walked to school, sometimes running. But mom would always get me all the good stuff kids all deserved - good shoes, new uniforms, and whatever she could afford for a measly pocket money.

Dad would buy toys whenever he could, even though he was so deep into gambling. My siblings doted on me, every piece of a good dish I had a share. But I was never rich nor wealthy materially. My finances were never stable, and that instability became a staple stability.

I would work really hard, but for a long time, I had a girlfriend whom was very hard to keep up with with gifts, good meals and entertainment. I would spend what I have on her and with her. Until it came to a point of being ridiculous, I called it quits.

Leaving my ex-business partners already ladened me in debts, and the breakup probably did help me wise up after that. I moved on, with pride and confidence that I shall try again. And I did, saving up for an old used car, buying proper insurance, organized my taxes, and paid attention to my health and even my teeth that were untreated for years. My savings grew a little every month, it wasn't impressive, but I saw improvements.

Having a good contribution to the family was a big wish of mine during this time. And when this offer came up, I hesitated and procrastinated. I didn't want to be greedy because there is money to be made. The opportunity instead would help me grow stronger and wiser, the experience would teach me new things.

But I found myself yesterday torn and floored with my trust abused and finances stretched to every possible limit.

It's the Chinese New Year in 4 days. I'm broke, have nothing for the family, and now faced with possible law suits that might just drop at my door any day. If I'm lucky, they might just not show up. If I'm lucky, maybe I might get a small windfall to patch my credit and pay the bills. Maybe if I'm lucky, I might have some decent sleep finally.

Maybe if I'm lucky, I might just wake up and realise it's all just a bad dream.

As I've posted, I can lose money, but once trust is lost, everything is lost.

I'm in such a terrible shape right now, and I kept trying to console myself and move on. But it's so hard. It's really hard. I don't know if learning lessons this way even work anymore, for I'm running out of money to pay the fees.

The most devastating part is just simply - I no longer can trust myself on plenty things. I was naive to think that an old dog like me can even be better. I was in many ways lied to during these last few months, but by far, opening my eyes to the great and evil for myself.

All I'm asking for is normality.

COMiNG RANDOM

I know it's been a long time since anything happened here. I know I had many questions before, but I think I'm beginning to find some decent answers that satisfy my insatiable thirst for explanations.

For so long, that unquenchable doubts that surfaced again and again threw me off course for so long, till someone actually pointed out that I was a hot air balloon that had its hot air stopped just before lift off everytime. Yet, I could have taken off anytime anyway.

It got me thinking how I became the stick in the caked mud, and somebody could so easily stir it. And now it seems I have a wonderful opportunity to take off, and it's exciting as it is scary.

So I'll recall backwards then, all the things I've been shelving to post with the first one being my reluctance to.

Social media has been getting explosions after explosions of outrage - an Internet friend actually found me, news of me, plenty about me, simply googling my name. While all these times when I was trying to dig online information about myself, he had them under fifteen minutes. It got me sort of apprehensive about airing thoughts that, regardless of the layers of secrecy or misleading idenities, I was still found out. That got me cautiously putting alphabets together and stringing thoughts, online, in complete sentences.

Adding to that, as much as I was reluctant to, I found myself dropping hints everywhere because I needed a ear. After all, everybody needs one, and I happen to have half-hearted ones. That in itself, stumped me from letting my thoughts go as much as I was holding them in the deepest recesses in the head.

So I was writing a new album, all in the idea of achieving self-gratification, self-motivation, and self-cleansing. I had too much rubbish that I thought I had to deal with, but truth being the expectations kept brewing and growing to the point I was losing what was perhaps most precious: honesty. I just had to let the demons out so to speak. For now, I need to clean up the tracks and they are off. 5 tracks, and I was hoping to do more. Maybe writer's block isn't the best way to describe it. It is just simply resourcing for materials to put together. I'm listening to too much rubbish lately anyway, and ideas are scarce. So is my workstation.

Somebody invited me to next year's Grammys. That's after trying to get me on board to work under a label. I'm not sure. This is the same person that told me I can now fly, I just need to flap my wings. I'm scared, but I don't think I should or could hold back anymore. I need the final push, and that just means having idiots making a bigger fool of themselves and I'm off with nothing to stay behind for.

Before it happens, I guess better to hit the books again.

I got a bimmer. An old one that had me test drive only after 3 sincere visits. I'm apparently the 16th owner too. Talk about last stops. I named him Boo Meng Wee, in light of the acronym and my Chinese roots I guess lol.

He's been in and out of the workshop, which I now call the chalet. At 22 years old, he's really holding up quite well after all the previous operations by the respective owners, who in my opinion, didn't really liked him. And why him? I don't know. Only when you see a him, that you know it's a him. I never believed Meng Wee to be a gentle girl, cos he looked too mean to be one.

And of all the fanfare, I got Meng Wee as a show of force, to stop the farce of running a Restaurant City in virtual make-believe. It was a transport, and an assurance and message that my business was not a try-only instance, that it was for real. Of all the flak and doubts cast, Meng Wee certainly squashed quite some stupid commentaries about SMB. Most honestly, Meng Wee was my childhood sweetheart that took me a very long time to find, to decide, and to be with.

Gee. This post is actually taking a very long time to complete. I'm thinking if I'll ever have this done as its the third day I'm on this.

I got myself sorted out at work somewhat for the last few months, only to realize what it really means to be a leader, motivator, and survivor. All three just don't go together. Leaders lead a vision, motivators goads the vision, survivors pretty much try to, well, survive. How can three roles culminate into one embodiment of a pillar for the company? Not only did it drain me, it caused so much tension in the office that had everything out of line. And the first step to resolving it: actually letting go. I used to say that I trust the crew to fulfill their roles, and that's how I could let go. But with people under performing their tasks, it's really disheartening to see projects go down the path of make-believe, self-satisfied quality. It made little sense, although experience is cultivated over time.

The solution: taking the risk, letting things go. If a project quality has to be that trade-off, it's got to be done. With that, I've been coming to work ad hoc, only to complete my part and buzz off. There's no need to stay for more ridicule of a time with productivity at an all time low, despite increasing the workforce three folds. What a shame!

So let's see. I've gotten myself a small holiday. And guess what? Projects cultivated under my name are in. This just makes me hesitate and procrastinate. Strangely though, I know as much I'll go for my holiday. But I'm also unsettled if I would be needed to work on the projects physically, or worse, coordinate over long-distance online style. Whatever it ends up on, maybe my sense of responsibility presiding my old self just feels guilty that I am unable to fulfill my promise to people who trust me. Even if I am being taken advantage of.

And to a large extent, I know I'm being exploited in many ways. My weakness has always been that very strong sense of responsibility to fulfill a promise. But things have changed and expectations that follow have been often unlinkable in many instances. Not to say its a bad thing, to be positive, it does put the team to the test to perform in a new setting. Then again, it's been an awful arduous task.

I kept telling myself to stop the paranoia of screwing up within the team - it is going to happen regardless. I just need to look forward to being apologetic, which I'm not used to, to prevent relationships from being strained out. All in all, I guess I need to relook at the entire clockwork and watch it fall apart to reassemble something that works. And this, potentially, may include the option of having the team split. I'm halfway looking forward to that already.

There's simply too many downs that I'm experiencing, I'm so tired of having them. Enough thinking. I should be back to my gym regime soon and see what turns up. Meng Wee is also finally showing great signs of recovery. Certainly looking forward to having more cosmetics in from this point.

THE iNCREDiBLE DiSTANCE

And so I decided to give up. It all happened right before my eyes to the extent I could not comprehend any of it anymore. I allowed the whole situation to slide, yet trying to stop it from completely being bombed. Still, it bombed like a cruel implosion of mentos in a big bottle of soft drink.

It's a cool night by the beach, kind of cold actually. I ordered an entire bottle of wine just sipping as I go along. "Chilled" I said of my wine, while the young waiter scurried off to place my order. I like the wine chilled for two reasons, for one, it already warms the body, and if it came weather cooled, it has a beefy taste. Two, the ice served as a timer and companion. While they melt in the bucket, I am reminded that time is about up for me to pack up and go, and that the company eventually leaves.

The bench is a little wet, and I sat on a small puddle sitting right in the middle edge. My butt feels a little funny now.

This be the second time I came by here feeling so lousy in 3 months, just blogging and trying to make sense of things. Truth is, I don't really want to think about it. It makes my mind wonder far too far, and the mood deeper than deep. I've realized how lonely I've become, and to take even that away would be far too despicable even on my own terms, regardless of the gravity of thought on utopian living.

I'm just getting a chain of encouraging messages from a young boy I met some weeks ago. I hosted him in Singapore while he was in town looking for a job. A delightful cheerful person overall. And he's sending me all these despite I'm next to being a complete stranger. Wonderful isn't it? But I guess I'm quite inconsolable at this juncture.

I think I'm drinking too fast. Lol.

So. What happened? Let me recount.

It all started like every other time - I decided to please everyone on board the project. It certainly backfired big time this instance because the contract was minute for double the work. I lost control of costs yet trying to keep everyone satisfied. But naturally, while the opportunities waved brightly, everyone began to take advantage of the situation and started asking for more. I started to say no, and tempers began to brew. I've learnt my lesson well. To give in from the start is to throw the entire project right into the fire.

And in this case, I launched myself the fire, into a ocomplete mess.

I woke this morning thinking the gods left me. While they've been on my mind whenever I needed that companionship and that sense of comfort, suddenly, it felt as though I was outright abandoned. As if being alone a lot wasn't enough, that spiritual regard just went away, like falling over a ledge and falling again.

This breeze really reminds me of Perth, with Jean, by the porch of her humble house in 3 degrees, drinking wine, having cigars and telling our misfortunes. Listening to this sound makes it also feels like the quiet at the villa in Bali. I have these places and instances to just keep me sane, and safe from the harm of losing my mind.

I revere those who have so much perseverance in their lives. It almost makes them inhuman and godlike in so many ways. While there were those who said the same of me, I gather no strength on my own much these days, and I find myself barrowing deeper into self-pity.

I wonder if that waiter would come sit with me for a drink.

My bicycle has been sitting in the balcony for the longest time hungry for a ride. My dumbbells need a lift to feel themselves weightless again. My bed need someone to hug.

I'm here on my own.

11:05PM. What are you doing Neil?

And Ming, I missed you loads for being there when I needed somebody most. You were the angel that kept me in check, from losing myself for that time I wished so much to disappear so seriously.

My bottle is half done. I'm feeling a little tipsy. Shit. Can I bring the bottle home secretly after they close and leave? Lol

The horizon looks a little different tonight. I think I look a little different tonight. And I think my blog is really random at times. From something to the next and the next, doesn't seem to connect or stay coherent in so many ways.

A couple sits by the edge of the water having a slow conversation. I wonder if they would like some wine? Maybe they would like to hear about their future? I can try to guess... Haha.

Some cheese would be nice. Supper.

The crew here are really nice! They left the strings of bulb lighting on for me!!! That is so fucking sweet!

I saw some scribblings in the sand. Reminds me hopscotch.

Oops. They switched the lights off finally. Lol.

And no waiter came to sit with me. I like hearing stories. The last one told me a fantastic one, about his home, his life, his growing up, his aspirations, and his ultimate goals in life. I'm filled with admiration, for when I was his age, I struggled with many more traditional things than were necessary. Perhaps the old fogey in me should just die, and I should move on after all.

Singing into the breeze, will that be therapeutic?

There are people on the beach. Are they like me, lonely and desperate for company?

I like the way Moby tweets. He's like a grown up young boy still.

A couple hugged by the water's edge. So sweet.

Can I bring a piece of this place home? I like it.

So my love asked for forgiveness. While I've been trying to push it away, the relentless attempts do seem genuine enough for me to think again: what went wrong in the first place? Was it me the high-handed play? That things just went awry and away? What really was I complaining about again?

Cheers to solitude.

Okay. I'm avoiding the issue here. What was I trying to say? Oh yes, why is forgiveness so hard to achieve? Am I too jealous of the life that has been had, that I decided to stray away and not even come close? That embed like such a plausible, most likely scenario. I hated that lovely smile that melts me, that stupid snigger that makes me laugh, the popularity I could not achieve, the bravery and courage to speak up, even that toss of the notion of innocence. It makes me feel like king.

Why am I unable to become a part of it, like the strength that those before rendered me? Maybe I felt cheated, that despite rooting them on, I was betrayed when they went further, and forgot all about me.

The ice melted. I'm still here.

Shit. I just caused a friend to come right where I am. I'm trying to salvage and retract. Fuck. I'm such an asshole.

I'm so torn. Ok. Managed to revert. But I so wished some company. I'm seriously so sad yeah.

So now how? Can I cry now?

STREETS

Hello beautiful. And why wouldn't it be? I spent half my time seeing the best of the worst, just like finding the scant fragrance of a wilting flower. That's the smell of hope.

I very much wish to get my music done, and having visuals done for it to compliment and visualize the songs. It does seem that the obstacles continue to pile, and I continue to slide. I'm not depressed or frustrated about it - rather I think the anticipation became an expectation that continues to rise above benchmarks that I've set for myself. And strangely, it's helping to push it closer to finish.

I've got 5 songs currently shortlisted out of a handful, but they are all almost done only - something's missing, or parts that needs work have yet to be reworked. It gets unbearable at times knowing I'm so close, and a little push would have done it. But I shy away consistently cos I don't quite believe in them yet.

The sad truth about most people is that they think too much. For me, I think I care too much. So much so that I know it's better to let go sometimes...

Shucks. I'm suddenly tired. Will continue again soon.

NUCLEUS

When I was younger I had a horrendous temper that got me all worked up each time something displeases me. For now, I've mellowed much through my music and writings, musings and sprouts. Tonight, it's just a sweaty workout even though I haven't had enough sleep. Or maybe I did.

I don't know. Feels like flying right now.

I'm thinking if I should go to the garage tomorrow morning. It's quite therapeutic watching Meng Wee getting checked and improved. I just stare, and he gets tinkered. Not everyone's cup of tea I know, but well. I love Meng Wee cos he's one of those things I wished I had when I was younger.

And Meng Wee looks gorgeous no matter how sick he is.

Why am I so sure Meng Wee's a boy? Well. He's got a temper like me. And he really pisses me off when he's down with a flu or cough. And he gets pissed with me when I don't run him fast enough, and getting stuck in needless jams.

Maybe I should find a time to show his masculine lines! Lol.

GUTHRiE

Here's finally something new I wrote:

GUTHRIE

I wanna tell you something I never said before so let's not polarize it
I don't wanna break your mind no I really don't wanna talk a thing about it

The truth is I don't even know where to start
I don't really know if I can make a point about it
But I wish to say it as you ought to know it and
I can only try to say it like I think i know about it

And when you feel like that nothing stays the same That we can all just make mistakes Well It's fine, oh

And when you feel like that the time has come for change
That the world is as insane
We'll be standing here hand in hand again

When you feel like you're done with all the games
But you stop to try again
By your side I can

And when you feel like we've all come to an end
That no one stays ahead
And everyone just fades away

And I will find the reason to change
Feel like fading away

Some place some time you will find
The sweetest memories inside
Leave your tires all behind Fly

And when you feel like fading away
And when you feel like fading away

How about that for a change? Something absolutely emotive from zero. I guess it all came about when work got a little tiring and everyone seems so maxed out.

A lot has happened since, particularly with me being too over zealous with people and things: for trying to be helpful I think I got myself into a lot of back paddling, not to mention some crazy backward rearrangements for shitloads of things.

A moment please... I'm sitting alone by the beach listening to Guthrie drinking wine watching stars replying messages smoking cigar and feeling sore.

I'm really quite sick of being stuck in limbo and not having any support to move forward. And for trying to make a change, I'm getting quite battered for being arrogant, annoying, scheming, and everything else all connected to bad. There's a party that is always on without me. And I'm that one black sheep trying to make things different. So I asked myself finally: worth it?

No.

So what now really. I feel like fading away to escape all of these madness of self-perceived goodness, when in fact nothing really needs me for except that select few who loves me so very dearly. I am a writer self-absorbed in vanity of my mind's prowess.

Suddenly, the word "expectations" came up. It's always I expecting something or you expecting something else. I don't get how all these expectations will eventually pan out especially when it comes to everyone trying to be et naturale. The essence of being treated fairly is always lost when one expects the other to deliver and the other refuses to.

I think Guthrie should be heard by the beach with a breeze, like how I'm listening to it right now.

it's quite incredible sitting here looking into the wide dark skies. Where stars used to be, it's like now a patch of cotton candy clouds. Somewhat magical. Oh I do wish you were by my side.

I'm actually quite sick of blogging right now. The alcohol is kicking in and I'm trying hard to stay relative to my environment. Lol.

Hello YJ! Stop snooping around on my blog! LOL

THE DiSTANT VOiCE

I suddenly remembered how much I've neglected you my dear blog. These days, it seems easier to just tweet an instant emotion, thought, or query than sit in front of a keyboard and hammering away. But I also do realise, that when it comes to expressing the full string of expressions, tweets and FB updates just don't make the cut.

So I finally decide to recap as quickly as I can on my journeys the last couple months.

Dec 2011

I made a trip to Bali, my first and probably the last. I enjoyed myself thoroughly minus all the rippers that I encountered along the way. Lost some money to pay my way out of instances, but seeing the city side made up for it. Plus, I did make the trip with someone close, not anyone I could have discovered to be annoying during the trip. So that's a big minus, and two nice pluses.

The whole trip was quite unplanned, so the Villa, the beach bars, the clubs were all excellent surprises. The shopping was amazing, but blew quite some bucks there, and the water sports were, interestingly so-so. Expensive, yet not very fun with just 2 people running about. Christmas was spent there, so that's a first too.

Jan 2012

I returned to Singapore already. Work that needed to be cleared, were, and new projects made their way in. It was decided that we take a nice long week's break during the New Year, and we did just that. Expansion of the company was supposed to come around, but Fengshui dictated a somewhat grim outlook, with staying the status quo being the best policy. We held on, made some minor adjustments and arrangements in the office, and moved on.

Hired a new girl, which frankly, we thought was diligent, mature, and quite fitting for the team. Beyond that, we are just trying to survive.

New Year was great, caught up with plenty family and friends, some of whom I had an enjoyable time with.

Feb 2012

Is my month. I spent my birthday with a day off from work just to sit and idle by the beach. Perfect birthday.

Then came the nightmare of having to finish an entire TV series at breakneck speed. We're still at it, just that it seems to come fast and furious, and also finish with bangs and fireworks.

The Press Conference was a huge success apparently, so let's see how it performs during broadcast. Most of all, this be the first series with proper credits for the team, I like.

Present

Well, beyond all that has happened, 2011 rounded up with loads of work, a good healthy company turnover, and certainly a sweet holiday-end. 2012 seems tough, even though the world saw some really catastrophic incidences (damaged nuclear plant in Japan, change of leadership in North Korea, even major floods in Thailand), I think we survived a tumultuous year with something to smile about: being alive.

This year I made some commitments too - I bucked up with some repayments of old debts, looking to buy a vehicle to commute, and perhaps plan another trip to relax. I'm keeping my fingers tightly crossed that I persevere and achieve the goals.

My only setback is that my relationships with some seem strained. I'm working on them, but a few just seem like beyond salvation. I sound morbid I think, but granted, there's only so much a hand can do to produce a clap. I look forward to glorious days and loving moments, but each time it just whizzes pass so quickly that it's hard to indulge in them. That, is definitely something I want to work further on.

Looking bright amid dark clouds, that's how it's going to be, and I'm still trying to stay upbeat, relaxed, positive, and motivated.

Wish me luck cyberspacemen.

FLYiNG TiME

Happy 2012! Now that things have sort of settled down, year turned and all, I think I'm calmer dealing with things, and letting go some much needed burdens of worry, concerns, and unhappiness. Sorry to myself firstly for not being up to date, but I think I should try to post the missing month of December soon, plus the run up to the new year. Note to self: updates on the way please!

RECAP

I thought I'd better blog something before I totally forget how to.

I guess amid all the morbid posts for the last few months, the least I could do is to put some good news here: I'm finally going on a holiday! It's supposed to be a private retreat of sorts, but who knows, it's crossing over Christmas! That means I'll be spending my first Christmas overseas!

Still, coming back to the most recent events, we managed to push out a high-profiled series just two weeks back, and it's gaining plenty of fans and ratings. Considering the storyline isn't much of a fresh deal, I suppose the context it was presented moved some people to glue themselves to the TV set every night, which is a really good thing. Too few people are on the television, and it's about time somebody bring them back.

There have been some really interesting reviews on the Facebook page, which you can actually check out here:

https://www.facebook.com/theoathch8

Well, I fell sick shortly after, bouts of flu, cough and fever, then came another round of heat-rash that I'm still struggling to recover from. Have to seriously try not to scratch. But the temptations are just simply greater than the will power.

Anyway, short post today. I actually tried posting from the iPad previously, but seems like Blogger didn't like it. I did a search on the error, and it appears the whole world using Blogger through the iPad is affected.

That much for mobile blogging then.

And wow, Blogger now can't recognise line breaks...

KEYWORDS

I wonder how much you actually care about me. Seriously. I hate lies but I kept being lied to.

PRECiOUS MOMENTS

While we try our best to create little moments of memories, there are bound to be some hard hitting misses. I got one tonight again, and it breaks a lot of me to even find any reasonable explanations. All I wanted was a little time, is that so hard to get? I think I've been thinking too much for others to the point I hurt myself too much. Sucks.

TREASURES

I finally learnt it the hard way: how to treasure people for who they really are when all these time I've seen them in such a different light that I imagined them to be. It's a new lease of life really, to be able to discover the truth behind all that I used to think, that were not!

What a revelation!

For those I always thought were questionable, they were not! I was! Wow... it's like finding out that the square table I been using was actually round!

How silly of me! Never to take people at first impressions or perception, because I can be so drastically off tangent! Not to mention, I might just have lost the opportunity to see the real sides had I gone on formulating only my own thoughts... I'm glad I saw things sooner, that I need to improve myself so much so much more. I may have taken my weaknesses overly defensively to the point I pull others down to mask just that.

But not anymore. I'm gonna reinvent myself. I must. I do not want to waste anymore opportunities or time judging people. Rather, I shall rediscover myself and relate to people in a whole new way!

F

I never hurt this bad or cried this hard.

SOMETiMES i CRY

When I've nowhere else to hide
Like when I wake up in the morning
And the world is undefined

THE DAWN OF MY TiME

Let's see. I forgot my ear phones, and I'm doing a cafe wine run alone without them. So I can't listen to anything except the mindless banter that surrounds. Talk about bummers.

I just got some bullshit responses again, aside from being called a nuisance previously, now I'm like the illegal immigrant over-staying my welcome. Wait. Aren't illegal immigrants supposed to be unwelcomed in the first place?

And as the story goes, seems like people want people for something. Or at least that was what I was told. When you are done using or be used, there isn't much left. Hence, while your value exists, make it worthwhile, go get your most brilliant assets together and be useful. Boohoo~ make it worthwhile. Boohoo~

I'm getting quite upset with finding walls and dead ends lately, seemingly always an open path till it suddenly drops into this... Um... This... Gap. Like a ravine. No roads run forward but down. Or just simply cuts off. Then what synthesizes becomes bullocks - things go nowhere plans go nowhere you end up nowhere.

I think all these came about particularly cos I haven't gotten over anything. For one, ending a relationship didn't seem as easy as it could have been. What came after was the calm, no storm, cos I was too busy salvaging other burdens - the business and everything else that needed salvaging, one, by one.

And that's the problem they say. I need to grieve. And I must, to get over things. I enjoy the freedom, but I didn't enjoy what people were doing to me. So, with gritted teeth I pressed on, hoping to find something new, a new life, a new everything. But as I threaded along, it suddenly feels better back at home ground, be back in the comfort zone, not to face the uncertainties at an age where the discrimination of age and looks has gotten past my comprehension. And maybe because I was stuck in that comfort zone too long, with enough routines to fill everyday that it makes it seem life was full. Then of course, it became full of bullshit.

I want to move on. And I thought I did, but never really did. What happened was me stuck at the point I was about to take off - the plane's still here.

Sigh... Can I sigh?

I sigh too much. Maybe that's why I ended up on things alone.

I wanted to continue my studies you know, get a degree, make me smarter, a graduate. In the end, my plans were rebutted with a really good call - I can't leave the business behind and run. 4 years total. I was devastated. I really wanted to study, because my family couldn't afford it previously. Not like they can now, but yeah, I still can't afford it. But I want to you know. Learn, and play, and be knowledgeable, be smarter, be informed, be creative, be a lot of things. Share ideas, share passions. Be someone that makes the folks proud, make me proud. Yeah, and that's that. You know, that's that. How sad is that?

That one big grouse - business is as such. You don't just walk away.

I wasn't walking away. I'll be here. I'll run the space and study at the same time. But nobody thinks that's possible. Yet I'm willing to try. Cos trying is in my blood. I want an education, but I'm giving in to others' fears. I'm a whimp. Big time.

So that rounds up 2 things that plushed me out.

I have a third. I've become alcoholic. Not naturally wanting to drink or craving for one. I have nothing to do. I like the feeling of turning nonsense. Not really knowing what I'm doing. That numbing effect helps ease the hurt. And it does so with taste.

I'm just thinking where's a nice place to hide, listen to sad music, cry my heart out, wail and rant and act pathetic. Senseless isn't it? Me, thinking where to let off some steam. I'm so done in by myself.

Seasons come season go, my season of hurt lingers just so
Not a wink nor a blink, I goes but on and on
At times it mutters, while asks at others
Why should I go when the tide is strong
I can make you weak as I have before
Just to see you feeble and torn
So I'll stay till I break you down
Till the sun could shine but you aren't shone
The stars could sparkle yet they pulsates as you moan
That the wind would bring but a gust of forlorn
You shall kneel before the end
And beg the things that went
Like how the creepers climb the walls as you wish for hope that longs
No trains will take you out of town
Just the planes that fly you back around
Back to the day you first unwound
As the season of hurt rebounds

But I will leave when my time is up
The day you decide that hurt is done
Hello my love you have my heart
Hurt is but a lovely art

(Took a hlf hour break for Scrabble)

Ok. After 3 games of scrabble, some wine and a soup, I feel worse.

I used to like wine because I used to have it with friends. Good company in short. I used to pull drinks, go by the bottles and enjoy good conversations. As people started getting married with kids, I started wine with casual acquaintances, friends and clients. Wine became a drink, no longer the placeholder for sharing thoughts and exchanging hearty pleasantries.

I didn't like liquer or hard mixes cos they are just plain annoying. They get you high quickly and makes the taste buds dry and bitter. The only one I've had, as a good liquer, was 42 vodka. Smooth and non-intrusive, but that's really about it.

That leaves me with very little to drink. Carbonated drinks make the teeth bad, and juices don't deliver the kicks. So, I'm always with wine. I'd like to appreciate wine more though. There are many short day-introductions, but I never seem to get to them. Such a shame. Still, it sucks when you take wine and nobody really enjoys it. Did I mention I love Rapsany?

Heading home soon seems like a good idea. But with another half bottle of wine to clear, it's really quite nice to hang around.

Oh, where is my love?

So perhaps Aquarians are inclined to affections and relations. And why not? We do make poor sense of logic and space - we only know the gravity of instances and consequences, and more often than not, war and fights just simply ain't our thing. So what is so not lovely about Aquarians?

Did I ever mention Diamond Eyes? There are very few people with them. These are the special lot, they see things beyond clarity, see opportunities even before they happen - foresight is almost a natural thing - they see ahead, they look past history, and they can look into the very fabric and soul of things, or people, and of events. Problem is, they are also a devious, struggling bunch. They have deep thought plans, they work towards their idealogies, they do things to their advantage, yet, amidst all that, they struggle to stay ethical and honest. How does one balance the social corrects with the queers and dislikes?

I've met, or at least I thought, 2 of them. They know theories, they are intuitive, they are forward-moving, focused and accurate. Yet, both times, I didn't like the ethics they worked based on, regardless of the reasons. In a way, I was conned into believing what they say or portrayed wholeheartedly. Left a really deep impression on why they did so. And I cannot seem to explain, at all.

Reflecting, I learnt about myself more. I learnt that I was no better. The only difference is, I veered towards the ethics. I pledged more for honesty that was measured by social norms, and that was where I faultered. I drowned in others' expectations.

Shall I do without guilt? Hard. Granted, mom taught the traditions too well.

I'm trying to figure out what to do with my bottle of wine here. Honestly, I have nowhere to go. Isn't that sad? I'm done with this passage I think. I'm done. Yeah.

HYPHEN

No, I'm not destined to fail.

THE PERFECT SETTiNG

One, I just got called a nuisance.

Two, I'm to sign a contract to sell important company assets unreservedly. It's like selling the roof over my head for a cent.

And these, I have no one to turn to to unload. I feel like crying. I need a hug. I want someone to tell me everything's ok.

But nothing is ok. Everyone has their problems. I want to talk to someone. I need someone. The saddest part is even when I had someone before, it was the same. I slogged so god damned hard. But I'm only still here. This doesn't suck. Beyonded.