MODERATES

I've really nowhere else to rant, and no one else to rant to. So I'll just do it here, to grieve about how pathetic my entire situation plays all around me right now.

I got 2 messages from talents today asking for their chips over a job that happened this month. I don't have the funds, and was practically begging them to give grace. It felt so deceitful, yet, there was absolutely nothing I could do. I saw it coming, but what can I honestly say? And over the weekend, I'm expecting more calls or messages asking the same.

Now I seriously wonder how to survive this ordeal. On one hand, I can't keep getting investments. On the other, there's just simply no way to run a one man show with ease. I've got the vibes, but definitely not all that it takes. That inevitably points to a self-destruct mechanism dying to let go.

And with the business going on the downslide, its only a matter of time before I get fired, and compensation will reign on my ass. Then comes the credit - already slapped with slander for over a year, plus all that doors slamming in my face, I'm driven up the wall.

If that isn't enough, the last bout of misunderstandings between uncle and the folks deepened to a new depth. Mom's stepped up her deranged self-destructive mode, and dad's playing plain ignorance. The rest of the family seemed distraught at that development, but what they don't understand is how much pressure Mom exerted on me when they weren't around. I play listening ear, and pure target board when the rest strips off their niceties. To make matters worst, she's asking me, EVERY FUCKING MORNING, if I'm making money - after waking me up when I'm not even done with my sleep.

I am seriously contemplating moving into the office for a while. It hurts to be home, but hurts more not being here. After all, I was the rebel whom lobbied for family-life. Yet, I can't wait to see it fall apart and call it a day. It induces a negativity that distracts my sane thinking, and definitely intertwines the business altogether.

But who cares? Who seriously gives a damn about that bit? And whatever I think anyway? They don't care. So why should I?

2 bad days back, I suffered major chest pains. Got myself checked into the A&E, and was kept under observations for 6 hours. 6 FREAKING HOURS. Verdict: possible heart problems, or a really bad case of gastricis. I don't get it. If chronic bronchitis ain't enough, what else am I suppose to die with? Why not just fucking throw it all in, let me just die.

So sis paid for the consultation, and I'm supposed to see a Heart Specialist. How ironic. Heart was a song nominated for Song of The Year on CNET Asia. And I actually decided to quit smoking on Sunday, 2 days before I dropped with chest pains. Perhaps I failed to study the stars - iron must have been the lethal element this week for me.

And in an effort to diffuse the tension, the family sat down 2 days back to a long resolve. Yeah, it did some good, but it certainly changed my mind over many many things. My greater anxiety to solve the financial woes at the company was larger and more intense - and in my unsettled frame of mind, out of desperation, I offered a 20% share of the company's holdings for a mere fee, just so that I could sustain another month or two. Oh my goodness. I got to be crazy.

The offer wasn't taken up, perhaps to my advantage, but that means I'm left naked to fend for a company which had no real backing, except for my mere existence.

So what now? Die a certain death after a long hard fight? or should I just bring everyone down with me? The latter's tempting, for I am not afraid to be the greater devil to revenge my past evils. I'm so lost.

And with all these developments, I had to see how reality bites: somebody whom pledged allegiance to me before, has now pledged it somewhere else. All these blatantly announced on a blog. The news didn't come to me direct. And I have to see it for myself before I knew.

Everything's driving me nuts. Except one shining star that I can't count on, but is full of solace.

Just not too sure how long more I can hold on, especially when I don't have the doctor's dollar to see the heart, nor do I have the salary dollar to appease mom. Strangely, all that stress and lack of sleep could have triggered the chest pains. It's a certified possibility after all.

I need a way out. Feel so distant now.

I know how different this side of the blog has become as compared to the other side on tblog. What you all didn't know was: there's still one more lurking. I ain't telling.