SHOULD HAVES

I'm beginning to believe strongly that I should have done more bad things in this lifetime. Like spend more money, rip more people off, sleep and fuck around some more, drink even more, party more more, hang out way more, enjoy the materials things all the more.

My life is mundane. It has become loaded with responsibilities, kind heartedness, and worse, living with obligations based on an unwarranted guilt inculcated by the needs of others, and not my own. I feel I must do something to make others happy, so that I can be happy. I was wrong. I am still wrong.

I can't sleep well at night knowing I might have not done something for someone, or have been unable to assist someone, or even said something nice to someone. I've tried talking mean to my love ones when they deserved it, and in the end, I hurt myself more by forgiving them more than they really need to be. For all that I've forgiven, I cannot forget how mean they were, yet, unable to reconcile the fact that I love them all so much and cannot bear to not be nice.

This is a shit life. My life's a shit life. Really. The issues start when you're nice, and people begin to climb all over and take advantage of you being nice. I'm so used, and still, I'm nowhere.

I'm poor, I'm in debt, and I'm still trying to make ends meet. Worst part: I'm still trying to make people happy. Why? I do not know.

As of many other nights, tonight I feel helpless. I need some pointers, some advice, but I have no one to ask. It always feel like I'm alone whenever I have important things to decide, and there isn't anyone qualified around me to answer them, or even give their two cents worth. Its almost as if I live alone on an island, watching the world move on while I'm still stuck in isolation.

And even if I tried getting more heads together in an attempt to brainstorm what one million others before us might have already thought and attempted, everyone's busy, caught up, or simply not in the mood. And that leaves me fighting my lone war to benefit those who depend on me, while they continue on with their lives, oblivious to the struggles of the hand that feeds.

Well, laments aside, I want myself to know at least, that I'm in no perfect health. And since I'm gonna die soon anyway, I begin to ask why I might be responsible for everyone else's living when my own is shorter than the average.

There's this boy on my FB who has had multitude of illnesses, accidents, and bad relations. Yet, born with a silver spoon, he sprouts his cause for the GLBT community, but totally detached from others' woes. When he posts videos of bullying, accidental deaths, or even gorish content in real life, he could so simply laugh about it and take it like God's wicked joke on human life. And he is all glee when people bolsters his ideals, thoughts, or simply "words of wisdom", which in my opinion, are laden with half-truths and immaturity, and are hardly wise until you look it up in your own head.

Here's the difference: he is rich, not too bad looking, and best of all, assy. That makes him cool, attractive, and completely independent (based on his dependence on the wealth already bestowed upon him). And he goes around completely uninterested in his studies, cos he really don't need to, unconvinced with others' sincerity, cos he believes the world is dead just because he is ill, and critically believes the world owes him, and he has no responsibilities whatsoever to anyone else.

And the situation is as such: he has everything. And he can afford anything. And beat this: he don't care if you're alive, or dead. He is unafraid, and he is totally unconcerned what happens to you. Now hear this, he is very popular, and he has an army of wise sayings anytime you speak to him.

I really don't know how he ended up on my friends list, but he is like the epitome of good and evil. He opened my eyes to how someone can be so brave against everything and everyone else, yet, be worshiped like a demi-god with his words.

I'm appalled, and very dumbfounded. I'm disgusted, yet envious at the same time. I reflect my life as a mirror to his, and I see my own side as a broken, shattered imagery, while his is a gleaming shot of the perfection I so yearn.

SIGH.

I'm already quite close to a melt-down, my motivation is in the Fahrenheit, but unmeasurable in the Celsius. This is shit.