WHY THE RAiN iSN'T

I always thought that the rain had colors, not clear as they appear when they fall and splatter. It has colors, more than what we can possibly imagine and see with our eyes, and that's why when the sun shines through the rain, the rainbows form.

Honestly, I didn't want to blog about the rain today, nor colors, nor the rainbows. I just need someone to listen to me. And blog... you seem to do that just fine. You listen patiently, and your never once did say anything that hurt me. You certainly won't go away whenever you felt like.

I've been having it hard at work. That the workload is already heavy, the people made it most unpleasant, tense, and very demoralising. I wanted to be good at what I do, but with no formal education, it's a really uphill task. I wanted to improve, to learn, but people had shut me out many times. So I learnt on my own, used my own hands, my own ears, and that got me to the best I can be, but is still far from what the younger peers with a great education, have achieved.

I've tried my best. That much I can vouch. You cannot imagine how many times I've secretly wet my pillows, or when I stare blank into the distance, given up all hope, given up all courage and determination. But each time I come back stronger, I get beaten even harder.

Why isn't there ever a fair punch pulled? I see how easily some people get to where they want to, yet I struggle like a battering ram against walls after walls. It almost feels like there is no cause. There's just more pain waiting.

It also hurts more when the very people I trust that gave me the encouragement, are also the ones beating me down.

I ran away from work today, cos it felt just like that same time 5 years ago, that I was no longer welcomed, no longer needed. Am I not good enough? Or am I simply in the wrong place? I regret carrying on. I regret. Very much. I should have stayed on my own, die a horrid death, and return to the workforce. That's about it. I regret. I'm disappointed. I'm disappointed that for the last 2 days, I wake to insults from mom. I'm used to it, it used to hurt. Now it just disappoints. That I am nothing but a ball to kick.

Why do I even want to do this, seriously? I should perhaps just stop. Quit. I thought about going automatic, robotic. Go through the motion, get through life as is. Really, what are all these for.

I don't like it here anymore. Blog, you seem like my last friend who understands. And that makes me very pathetic.