CONSERVATORY

It's funny - there can be many things in life that we all earn and achieve, but there will still be the disappointments and regrets of not having. Its not about greed or laments - its just being human.

I was doing some research across the web, when I chanced upon the local conservatory of music. Browsing the pages, my heart sank deeper into self-pity and dreaded regrets. As each professor's face fill the page, as more information surfaced, as more residents of the conservatory showed up, I envied more and more the lives in which they lived.

I come from a middle-income family, and opportunities were resticted limited by age-old maxims and cultural traditions. Music fell into the category of wasted time, and therefore, translates into poor career advancement foundation.

And because I was a late bloom, I never showed THAT many signs of talent in music, disregarding the fact that I used to stand by the kitchen door and sing to my sisters while they share the routine kitchen cleaning, or for the fact that I sing along to the stereo everytime my nanny puts a record on.

Those were obviously bad signs of interests, passion and talent. Unlike today where talent spotting is a multi-million industry by itself, I was set in the 'stone-age' of Columbus' discoveries.

As I read the criterias for admission, it suddenly dawned on me that, "Hey, I could still do this!" But faced with a multitude of obligations and a whole line of tie-ups, it's hard to drop the luggage and just jump out the flight to do a dream skydive. Not discounting the fact that, who's gonna pay the bills for a grown-up man's education now?

As more articles of testimonials and write-ups loaded, I can't help but draw myself into a picturesque me, standing at some famous music halls, belting out my most emotional violin solo, or my haunting cello wails. I almost felt the roses kiss my cheeks after that world premiering piano recital.

Aah. Gone are the days of day-dreaming which my mother has taught me to put aside most quickly after the family fell into some financial troubles, which, not only made education all the more important, but certainly displaced music as even an option to alternative studies, or even a weekend leisurely course to take for enrichment. I'll be damned if I said it was okay.

The only consolation I have is the fact that I have learnt to compose my own tunes, write my own songs, all for the fun of it. Be it an opportuned activity aimed to sell any product, the least that could be of help is to hold tightly a forgotten dream, and a wasted passion.

I can wish for the next 50 years that this is that and that is this - but I'll have it no other way. Keep wishing. And I'll leave the real living of dreaming to the younger ones around me.