TRAiN

Lagging. That's what it is. Falling behind myself. I didn't know why I even bothered to speak with G. It's like... I know what he's like, and I know the kind of attitude he has. Perhaps its cos we used to hang out together, and the affinity just got the better of me. So when he hit a challenge, I took it up. That was seriously dumb. I wasn't trying to play cool, I was simply trying to dig him. And now that I know one thing better - he has all the things to dig, but nothing would be in my favor.

Not that it mattered, but it kinda made things worse? Already alone sort of at the engagement party, I didn't just feel left out, but I didn't feel like I was even there to fill the numbers. If I was, it would have been easy, but knowing that I'm there cos they're obliged to have me there just didn't feel right, and good about it.

Oh well. I'm just whining. So let me be, for bottling up does myself no good.

I actually equated my losses from all the things I've done up to this point... and it totalled to about 4-5k. Not major, but certainly a dent. That could have bought a new G5 (assuming I would physically get the cold hard cash) that I badly need to replace the one at the studio, get some really necessary plugins for the DAW, and certainly pay for maintenance.

Of course, granted, it ain't gonna happen, so I'm just gonna take it that it never happened at all. That, somehow, felt better.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not being petty. I'm just whining. It's just the whole idea that I'm being owed, you know, over something which I voluntarily offered. But people just kinda took it a little too seriously? So they ain't paying me cash, but buying me dinners and drinks? It's as good as payment, and it's just... obligatory.

Sigh. I hardly sigh. But I'm just beat.