tblog seems to be down with the occasional traffic-overloads, so decided to post blogger first, and see if I could get back there.
I'm not sure what's with me tonight. Maybe cos I was expecting some dinner dates, but they were botched at the eleventh hour. Or maybe cos tomorrow's beach trip that I'm so looking forward to got botched too. Or it could have snowballed from a client who was questioning the amount I was charging her, which most likely, will get botched as well.
I don't know. My mood is just sliding by the minute and tomorrow's trip being canceled just made it worse. It's like, what's wrong with just 2 persons going down to the beach? I ain't no freak and I ain't no stone. I know, I'm lamenting. That's probably that one thing I'm proud of.
I suppose that's the primary reason why I don't keep in touch with a lot of people. Not that I don't want to, but when friends look at me like some... alien - undefined and incomprehensible, it's just hard to bring myself to believe that they are people who don't mind what I am, and just love me for who I am.
Perhaps Irwin has been right all along, people think too much, and whatever that they don't understand, they fear. So, I'm just simply being feared. Which is really sad, considering it's all for the wrong reasons.
Like just a couple days back, mom was in a pretty foul mood. She told me she didn't want to talk about it, and chased me off to work with a frown on her face. I asked cos I was worried if something's terribly wrong, but I just got kicked in my butt.
It's like, I don't blame her, I just hate situations and circumstances that make people evil, uncaring, insensitive, and dodgy. My supposed beach mate tomorrow? Not a word of sorry, but just plain homophobic about it. Trust is skeptical in the face of fears, and fears are the spawn of the unknown. I suppose the best way to keep positive at this point is to blame myself for being too forthcoming, too trustingly naive, and overtly hopeful that the world is full of love and sunshine.
I used to think girls REALLY do grow up faster, but I was wrong. I used to think people DO change, and I was also wrong. Now, I think there isn't a reason for people to trust, or be trusted. Tell me I'm wrong there. Cos I would really love to be.
So, I have a whole day to myself, alone, tomorrow. I can't think of anything to do, nor do I have any spare change to spend. That just simply sucked. I guess I'll pretend to be back at the office to work, put on a show for the family, but just head back to watch some cheap DVDs I picked up earlier today. Yeah, what a bummer day it's gonna be.
And if the band decides to practice, that be great. At least I would have something genuine to occupy myself with.
World? I love you as much as I hate you.
No comments:
Post a Comment