FEAR

Seems like I've taken a liking to blogging here lately. Probably to divert all the negativity online to a spot on the whole, rather than spreading it across all over the place.

I just got home, gonna hit the showers. Will see what other ideas I have in stored.

I've strangely developed a liking for nonsense. The more nonsensical, the better. And they I'll just run off. Seems like fun.

It was pouring when I left town earlier on, and was almost caught out when the expressway got closed. Thankful for all the past car rides that I began recognising more roads than I would have. Routing around was a breeze, and zooming out the storm clouds just in time. Well, not for long. They've reached the house...

Oh, I wanted to blog about what's happening here.

I would normally not speak, let alone blog, about my very most taboo dates, but we're in the Lunar Seventh Month, the Ghost Festival as its called, where the belief that during this month, the gates of Hell opens, allowing the tormented souls, or ghosts, to roam the earth freely. People would offer incense, joss paper, and other assortment of items and foods to enrich and feed them.

I've hardly spoken much about it, but as I grew older, I found myself even more fascinated by my scares than the taboo in itself. The teenage years were heavily warned about going out at night in the Seventh Month, probably to scare us into staying in. So for that duration, house chores were especially done...

Anyway, this be the month that small communities unite and pitch up road shows, Getai, to entertain those lost ones who had nowhere to go. These shows could be massive multi-tiered shows of song, dance and comic, or small shows with skits, decked out in bright lights and auctions. One heartening thing I've always noticed, was how these communities put together money, not just to put up the shows, but to buy basic groceries for distribution to the less endowed. But as I've also observed, such practises are more formalities than sincere these days.

Nonetheless, the practise goes on, with or without the knowledge of its original intent.

I would love to post some pictures on some of these I've mentioned, but perhaps some parts of me still believe in the taboo tales of capturing the wondering ones on camera.

Anyhow, Jean got back for a few days, and her reasoning was one of the most piercing I've ever received: for the same duration, even if she wines and dines with her friends in Australia for about the same price as the air ticket, she might as well be back here, and do the same with us, her old friends she left behind.

She did say she left us behind. Fact is, I think I was more happy for her than wanting her to stay. Everyone has something to look forward to, and she has. And to me, that's the best thing in life.

As with my last few entries, I'm currently caught in between, everything. The more I tried to hide, the more I sort of weeded myself out. Yet, the more I tried to exercise control, the more lost things become. The dilemma isn't frustrating, my lack of focus is. Point is, I don't really know what I'm up to anymore.

All I can think about is running off to a quiet corner, for a long time, with..

But well, if its any surprise, someone is actually able to completely disregard the environment, the surroundings, just to stick the nose in books during the exams. I am thoroughly impressed. =D

Never met anyone so dedicated to work in such a way. Neither have I been so ousted by material and academic pursuits. While my youth continues to fade away and elude me, I found myself struggling to make up for lost time. And in this instance, it would have been great to give moral support, feed the best foods, just to help make things better.

Alas, I think I am totally wishfully thinking.