HOLES

I was expecting the entire night for something to happen. Nothing happened. And I just sat stoned back in front of the computer in my room. Could have been good, could have been worse, but all I know is that I'm staring blank, till I decided to just blog.

Couldn't pick any music for the mood cos I can't even identify what this feeling is. Probably a first time for everything.

Met this young aspiring actor/singer trying to make a break today. He was late for his appointment, and was quite defensive on the way in. Confidence in each step, every word, and bodily action. Until I hit back.

I didn't mean to, but I was under the weather (even now) and desperately trying to get home, and I wasn't going to let any attitudes or bitchiness get me. So I barked back, and I think I kinda dented his front. LOL. Just a little k?

Anyway, when we were done with whatever we needed to get done, it started to pour. Got stuck at the studio for a good 2 hours before packing up and heading out into the wet roads. The rain had stopped, but prayers for the Hungry Ghosts were still going on.

It's a strange vibe tonight. What I had wished for all seemed too wildly ridiculous. Yeah, out with a bang!

Was really hoping to hear from Ron, but doubt he's gonna be awake. A holiday is what I would need myself. Talk about deja vu. Thing is, amidst all these craziness, I seem to dwell within myself and bang my head harder against loneliness. Writing more songs will help, simply because it takes away the pain most of the time. And make me realise more of what I already have, than to find a greater denominator.

Alas, I'm very close to calling it quits - everything. Perhaps the band thing exerted a rougher impact than I would imagine, or anticipated, yet, nothing like this has ever happened before. Risa asked me something that prompted me to say that I've dedicated myself in the last 10 years to the team and band. Now, I'm simply clueless about what comes next. And yet, clueless is an understatement.

Like they say, whatever comes, comes. I'm so tired. Yet only a select few could make me feel like I'm special, rather than a wimp who cannot stand firm on his feet, still largely in hiding, and totally afraid to open up.

In truth, I can't stand myself at this point. I don't know what has come over me, but I just can't stand it anymore. Like a movie, the plot is lost, the acting pales, and the closing credits simply too short.

It's a really uphill task to try find myself again.