One, I just got called a nuisance.
Two, I'm to sign a contract to sell important company assets unreservedly. It's like selling the roof over my head for a cent.
And these, I have no one to turn to to unload. I feel like crying. I need a hug. I want someone to tell me everything's ok.
But nothing is ok. Everyone has their problems. I want to talk to someone. I need someone. The saddest part is even when I had someone before, it was the same. I slogged so god damned hard. But I'm only still here. This doesn't suck. Beyonded.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
MY iMAGiNATiON
While I seem to have forgotten how to move on, comes along someone that seems to just flutter to my heart. No doubt that I was quite blown away - here is somebody so pure in the heart by circumstance that defies the logic of freedom. How does one manage to find total freedom tasteless and chooses to commit into self-restraint?
Assembling the logic was already a daunting task, let alone trying to figure out what emotional values might be present. While I admit I don't feel so strongly about love this time, somehow it was one look I was given that somewhat changed my mind. I planted a soft kiss of friendship - in return, I received an avalanche of affection.
It was a full minute of staring in disbelief, then reaching out wordless to release the inner breadth that took me by surprise. That look, well, I've never seen in my life.
Take it easy old boy. You only have so much time.
Assembling the logic was already a daunting task, let alone trying to figure out what emotional values might be present. While I admit I don't feel so strongly about love this time, somehow it was one look I was given that somewhat changed my mind. I planted a soft kiss of friendship - in return, I received an avalanche of affection.
It was a full minute of staring in disbelief, then reaching out wordless to release the inner breadth that took me by surprise. That look, well, I've never seen in my life.
Take it easy old boy. You only have so much time.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
SOMETHiNG'S GOTTA GiVE
How about behaving for a change? How about doing something for me sincerely? How about me not demanding and something gets done?
I noticed lately I've been blogging whenever I'm home early. And I'm home early cos I've nowhere to go. I've nowhere to go cos I've no one to hang out with. I've no one to hang out with cos people have lives. And I live one that's built around others'.
Tonight has a bit of that suicidal feeling of not knowing if it's getting suicidal. That was kind of a confusion phase of wondering and pondering about it. I would like to just be in good company, but it does seem like that's not happening anymore. Over investment means you literally end up having a lot with a lot and not getting anything until you are past that need. Then, nothing really means anything anymore.
Gosh. I'm really bored. Even blogging is like a major waste of time. I'm bored. Very bored.
I noticed lately I've been blogging whenever I'm home early. And I'm home early cos I've nowhere to go. I've nowhere to go cos I've no one to hang out with. I've no one to hang out with cos people have lives. And I live one that's built around others'.
Tonight has a bit of that suicidal feeling of not knowing if it's getting suicidal. That was kind of a confusion phase of wondering and pondering about it. I would like to just be in good company, but it does seem like that's not happening anymore. Over investment means you literally end up having a lot with a lot and not getting anything until you are past that need. Then, nothing really means anything anymore.
Gosh. I'm really bored. Even blogging is like a major waste of time. I'm bored. Very bored.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
SANS
I haven't type a decent post in months since I wired myself across all the various internet applications on the mobile phone. Then comes the big dreams of trying to plan for a very uncertain future, trying to convince myself that there is something to fight for after all. All that, and time seems to float by so quickly, looking forward to paydays just to pay the bills. I really wonder how long more before anything else can get better.
Investments seem to be the key word for me lately. Trying desperately to put money in useful things. Then, putting time into useful deeds. Yet all these time, things are only moving in baby steps. Of course, moving better than stagnating.
The weather's been freaky lately. Yup, I think we've destroyed enough of nature to bear the grudging brunt. Disasters everywhere, but people are still concerned about bombing one another, killing terrorists, anti-establishing... I don't know. I'm glad to see world events unfold, but I empathise with the next generation for they would be the ones to clean up the mess.
I'm looking forward this time, for myself, hoping to find a resolution of sorts to put some senses into a clearer perspective. Perhaps loving myself was easier without having to love others.
I'm still learning.
My next big goal: skirt the life crisis. Head straight to material goals and die happy.
Investments seem to be the key word for me lately. Trying desperately to put money in useful things. Then, putting time into useful deeds. Yet all these time, things are only moving in baby steps. Of course, moving better than stagnating.
The weather's been freaky lately. Yup, I think we've destroyed enough of nature to bear the grudging brunt. Disasters everywhere, but people are still concerned about bombing one another, killing terrorists, anti-establishing... I don't know. I'm glad to see world events unfold, but I empathise with the next generation for they would be the ones to clean up the mess.
I'm looking forward this time, for myself, hoping to find a resolution of sorts to put some senses into a clearer perspective. Perhaps loving myself was easier without having to love others.
I'm still learning.
My next big goal: skirt the life crisis. Head straight to material goals and die happy.
Friday, May 20, 2011
UNTiTLED
Sometimes I wonder what it's like to be famous, rich, or just simply over-loved. It's nice sitting here alone watching all these hot lesbian babes trudging through the area headed to the party for the night. It makes me a spectator. And spectators are the audience of what's going on. And what's going on is always nice to know when you aren't involved. Particularly the bad stuff.
I think I found my lost link to peace, in a way that means I've got nothing, nothing at all, to lose. That makes me powerful because I've no stakes in anything left. Just like fish and chips. It's just that. Too much oil and it burns. Too little complimenting sides make it dull. What do I want?
I think I need extreme attention. It makes me feel needed. But the worship kind, ya one, not the kind I need to spend time solving problems. Yes, that's the kind of attention I need. For the work I've done.
Dinner will be served shortly at 12:45 midnight. After a buffet spread that ended at 9pm. I think I'm a glutton. Very much lol.
Oh I love myself. Too little.
I think I found my lost link to peace, in a way that means I've got nothing, nothing at all, to lose. That makes me powerful because I've no stakes in anything left. Just like fish and chips. It's just that. Too much oil and it burns. Too little complimenting sides make it dull. What do I want?
I think I need extreme attention. It makes me feel needed. But the worship kind, ya one, not the kind I need to spend time solving problems. Yes, that's the kind of attention I need. For the work I've done.
Dinner will be served shortly at 12:45 midnight. After a buffet spread that ended at 9pm. I think I'm a glutton. Very much lol.
Oh I love myself. Too little.
Thursday, May 05, 2011
REASONS
I finally figured out why I wanted to leave you in the first place: you were either too busy, or too tired for anything. By the time you get back to me, I'm already too weak to respond.
That's why I wanted to leave you.
Today, I feel the same way.
That's why I wanted to leave you.
Today, I feel the same way.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
AND HOW
I kind of discovered today again, how fragile so many things are. The last I remembered, while I was trying to grieve my loss, who was really there? The family was more inconsolable than I was, my friends were spewing momentous graces, and buddies were pratically nowhere close to knowing what was running through my life. That woke me up. In the end, I only still had myself.
Everyone seems to have their own hands full. That's alright. Yet, I'm one of the firsts to know what on earth is happening with them, willingly or not.
Here's the best part: people's relationship fail, and it's because of me. People's misfortunes are "partially" due to me. And get this: somehow, something goes wrong, and I'm at some point involved.
Truly, someone does care. Or at least I think so.
Everyone seems to have their own hands full. That's alright. Yet, I'm one of the firsts to know what on earth is happening with them, willingly or not.
Here's the best part: people's relationship fail, and it's because of me. People's misfortunes are "partially" due to me. And get this: somehow, something goes wrong, and I'm at some point involved.
Truly, someone does care. Or at least I think so.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
OPPORTUNiST
I wonder if I should actually admire or denounce them - on one hand they are chancing upon great things that mean to them. But on the other, in the context of building that chance upon others' losses, it suddenly don't quite deserve my respect, particularly when that respect was built on trust, faith, or a simple believe.
I must say, whatever was due to happened, has. So I shouldn't really complain. And I suddenly realize how much people hate me. I'm not paranoid, but faced with hard facts and cold truths, or so some had claimed, I think I should take a couple more steps back and watch the skies, and not wish it fall down just because I think so.
My elementary teacher was right: to be a leader, is to set the best example. I'm just about that bad egg she said I was, amongst the many hatched ones that have gone on to great and mighty things.
Tonight feels like another episode of a stale drama serial, filled with mundane sorrow of the common kind. Perhaps I'm just as common as the patched paint on worn walls, nothing special, nothing new. I'm losing confidence all of a sudden, and chance has nothing to do with it. I think it's about time I took a break to grief proper on the demise of realism, my realism amidst surrealism. Wait, wishful thoughts would be a better description. Congrats.
I want to relive myself in a better light. Really.
I must say, whatever was due to happened, has. So I shouldn't really complain. And I suddenly realize how much people hate me. I'm not paranoid, but faced with hard facts and cold truths, or so some had claimed, I think I should take a couple more steps back and watch the skies, and not wish it fall down just because I think so.
My elementary teacher was right: to be a leader, is to set the best example. I'm just about that bad egg she said I was, amongst the many hatched ones that have gone on to great and mighty things.
Tonight feels like another episode of a stale drama serial, filled with mundane sorrow of the common kind. Perhaps I'm just as common as the patched paint on worn walls, nothing special, nothing new. I'm losing confidence all of a sudden, and chance has nothing to do with it. I think it's about time I took a break to grief proper on the demise of realism, my realism amidst surrealism. Wait, wishful thoughts would be a better description. Congrats.
I want to relive myself in a better light. Really.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
MiMU 26.03.11
I was supposed to join in for a recce today. Skipped it. I was supposed to attend a grand opening, skipped that too. Suddenly, I found myself in the studio, doing nothing. Popped in DVDs after DVDs, only to realise - I don't have anyone to talk to, hang out, or even meet.
I'm shittily lonely. Can't believe for everything I've done, I'm just here in the end on my own. Incredulously unbelievable. Is there a place for lonely souls to hang out? I'd like to know.
There was only Ming who gave me a chance to prove that I can be trusted. Turns out the other way now. But at the very least, someone believed. For a moment.
I'm shittily lonely. Can't believe for everything I've done, I'm just here in the end on my own. Incredulously unbelievable. Is there a place for lonely souls to hang out? I'd like to know.
There was only Ming who gave me a chance to prove that I can be trusted. Turns out the other way now. But at the very least, someone believed. For a moment.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
UNDERSTANDiNG
I guess it's true that I'm getting way too emotional about things right now. Thinking back, its hard to just give up on something that I would really want to pursue, be it skill, love, or life even.
It's also true that all we need is that one person to tell us to wake up, and everything would fall into the right places on its own. I have to admit, I get way to engaged when people I'm attracted to start distancing themselves with me. It's not like I did anything wrong, but I tend to warm up to people real quick, and probably send the wrong messages all the same.
But who really cares?
It's also true that all we need is that one person to tell us to wake up, and everything would fall into the right places on its own. I have to admit, I get way to engaged when people I'm attracted to start distancing themselves with me. It's not like I did anything wrong, but I tend to warm up to people real quick, and probably send the wrong messages all the same.
But who really cares?
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Mi NGi M iS SUS OM UC H
Found myself back here again. So all this time it was me. Stay off the net Neil!
Saturday, March 05, 2011
MIMU
My world crumbled slowly around me, whilst reality kept moving in a direct straight line. Who would know that I be caught in such a pointless predicament of emotions that even I had no comprehension of.
I broke my last relationship cos it ran dry. But surely eleven years must have opened the floodgates of eternity. Alas I was wrong. I loved deeply, but it digressed into mere takings. There was little that remained truly, and I am devastated to know it could not go on. To make it worse, I was positioned as the hammer that drove the final nail in. That is not true. But who, would believe me now?
It also doesn't help that my work piled because of a simple case of miscommunication. Miscommunication. Such a long word, such a simple meaning, such a difficult understanding, such a gentle reminder, and such an awkward generic descriptor.
While the stranger that showed me the way back, somehow, I'm drawn to the invisible agenda, but more critically, I was duped into believing it will work. That somehow, I would be able to walk through the door of happiness just like that. I ended up just waiting, and waiting, and waiting.
It's been a long, long week plus, and I wonder why I did not stay put where I was. Thinking back, I suppose the Heavens gave me the best time of my life in a short 8 days. 3 of which was the only time I could ever imagine myself smiling silly, and the final day a tearful one. Yes, I'll keep imagining a reply. Yes I will. Yes, I know it wouldn't come. Yes, it will not.
By now I should be inspired enough to write a new album altogether. By now. Yeah. But by now, all I need is a kind reply to tell me it's over, that perhaps all these were but a poor joke meant to reveal my short time on earth.
I'm really maxed out like many times before. Somehow, this time it felt different. Somehow, it didn't seem like this is anymore exciting. It's painful, hurting, and making me sick.
MIMU for the 9th day. How many more days should I wait?
I broke my last relationship cos it ran dry. But surely eleven years must have opened the floodgates of eternity. Alas I was wrong. I loved deeply, but it digressed into mere takings. There was little that remained truly, and I am devastated to know it could not go on. To make it worse, I was positioned as the hammer that drove the final nail in. That is not true. But who, would believe me now?
It also doesn't help that my work piled because of a simple case of miscommunication. Miscommunication. Such a long word, such a simple meaning, such a difficult understanding, such a gentle reminder, and such an awkward generic descriptor.
While the stranger that showed me the way back, somehow, I'm drawn to the invisible agenda, but more critically, I was duped into believing it will work. That somehow, I would be able to walk through the door of happiness just like that. I ended up just waiting, and waiting, and waiting.
It's been a long, long week plus, and I wonder why I did not stay put where I was. Thinking back, I suppose the Heavens gave me the best time of my life in a short 8 days. 3 of which was the only time I could ever imagine myself smiling silly, and the final day a tearful one. Yes, I'll keep imagining a reply. Yes I will. Yes, I know it wouldn't come. Yes, it will not.
By now I should be inspired enough to write a new album altogether. By now. Yeah. But by now, all I need is a kind reply to tell me it's over, that perhaps all these were but a poor joke meant to reveal my short time on earth.
I'm really maxed out like many times before. Somehow, this time it felt different. Somehow, it didn't seem like this is anymore exciting. It's painful, hurting, and making me sick.
MIMU for the 9th day. How many more days should I wait?
Monday, February 21, 2011
KOR TOAD KUP
Sometimes in life, we are sorry. So sorry that there is no more reasons for any excuses. And any reasons also don't make any sense any more. It's irritating.
The worst part is, it's so easy to fall in love, but so hard to love. And I'm really sorry for myself. Doesn't matter that I may have a heart of gold, or whatever else others say, nobody wants it for real. Perhaps everything came too late. Or perhaps I'm not content.
I can keep trying, but that's as far as I would go. That's it. Nobody will wait. And today, I'm sorry. I got lost but found a friend =)
The worst part is, it's so easy to fall in love, but so hard to love. And I'm really sorry for myself. Doesn't matter that I may have a heart of gold, or whatever else others say, nobody wants it for real. Perhaps everything came too late. Or perhaps I'm not content.
I can keep trying, but that's as far as I would go. That's it. Nobody will wait. And today, I'm sorry. I got lost but found a friend =)
Saturday, February 19, 2011
HEADED
I travelled up yesterday, and it's been too many flights in too short a time already. Just had a long seafood dinner and already, it's a changed environment.
Ir wanted so badly to get a massage, and well, given the situation, she can't. Ended up, now I'm sitting in this up market foot massage place trying to act as cool as I can... But the pain and tickle is shit. I hate this!!!! And the masseurs are still joking and having fun.... But I'm still trying to act cool,"$):/569$(2/($&?,,!!8:;)$,/;!&@ Ir i is so hate you!!!!!!!!!
The villa is nice! I so wish to put up some pictures but well connectivity is really awkward here. Should have signed for the plans. Anyhow, will post some when I can.
It's quite picturesque. Very to be honest. Never seen a place this beautiful in my life, maybe only in pictures. Quite unbelievable and I've got Ir to thank this time... Wish I'm good company enough.
Lol. This really cute Japanese teenage boy just finished his foot massage beside me! He's got no reactions at all OMG!!! @,,(:6kfxjks&,67oyd&?;€€?.\%+
A lot ran through my mind since I got here, and it doesn't help that I'm also here to work. The guys working here are extremely nice, but the efficiency leaves a lot of room for doubt. I can see the efforts, but somehow we aren't reaching our destination. I hope things turn out well on Monday.
Ok. Low batt, be right back once I get back to the villa. - 11.20PM
5AM already, and I'm just about to retire. Back in villa and brain's getting weak. Will blog more tomorrow.
Goodnight!
Friday, February 18, 2011
ONE THOUSAND
Considering the stay is rather worthwhile, I guess I can quite forgive the weather.
Today in Bangkok. Off to Phuket tomorrow. Noon flight, got to sleep soon =)
Monday, February 07, 2011
MAYBE iT WAS SO
Tonight made me realized nothing is real. For whatever that had happened, and has happened, it was not meant to be. Many things.
What probably disturbed me more is how volatile human relationships are. No matter how hard we try, there's that hundredth to one chance it just craps out.
Perhaps my own doings are my own demise. What we do wrong will eventually have to be paid back. That's the way things be. And had been. Has been. Will always be.
Today is the sixth day that it rained on my party. And that's the longest stretch ever. It's time to rise above. And watch the clouds.
Wednesday, February 02, 2011
TAKiNG TiME
I thought I blogged a couple times after the last post, but I think each time it was intended, it never was really penned... I must have spaced out at some point in time.
The year started somewhat great, with loads of projects lined up that could certainly feed us for a while. Then I realised how pitiful it got just trying to manage the workload. Either way, it slowed down due to some postponements, and gradually just faded down.
Issues with the relationship surfaced yet again. While some says I simply don't understand, there are some sympathies for my predicament still. Honestly, it's probably not because I don't understand, but it's more like the bystanders don't really know the back stories enough to make a serious judgement about the case.
Anyway, it came to a final boiling point where personal emotions got in the way of official work, and that irked me big time. I'm okay with tantrums, but I'm just not okay when it's spent in front of clients or co-workers. It's unsightly, disgusting, and definitely not the best opportunity to air dirty linen. To make matters worse, it made the clients uncomfortable, something I would never want to over emphasise as grossly inappropriate.
But well, it still happened. And I exploded afterwards.
The difference this time is, I did not stop to control the outburst. I decided to just let it all come out. Those instances where you've put up with something for so long, and you can't hold it in any longer. Yeah, this time I have every right to explode. And why not? If someone else thinks they have a right to do what they did, why not I the right to react my way?
Think about it. It's truly straightforward. Someone can do something they think it's right, why can't I then? It's not about wrongs or rights, but it's come to a point of somebody wants to do something, and so do I.
So yes, that's the end of the episode for now. What else can there be?
These few days has bad news or happenings piling in and knocking on my already very volatile state of mind. And it doesn't help that my birthday tomorrow is gonna suck big time. What's worse, I dropped the keys into the lift shaft earlier on cos I was too tired and losing focus, buttered my fingers there even though I wasn't carrying much in my hands. Oh, I haven't gotten new clothes, so that's the other bummer. The biggest whammy: my bed broke a few days ago, and I rushed to get a new one only to have them deliver soonest with me fixing it up myself - and now the bed is in, it's a little too huge for the room.
I'm so heavily distracted by the needless relationship bugs that I think I've become so numb and shut out. Damn the believers who thought love was forever. Literally. 11 years of pain, I'm done.
So the ultimate question, why ain't I happy? Because I was not treasured as who I am.
This CNY will suck big time. I'm just gonna hide at home and pray no one disturbs me in my room. It be best I get my own space soon, before the nagging pours in big time just for that.
The year started somewhat great, with loads of projects lined up that could certainly feed us for a while. Then I realised how pitiful it got just trying to manage the workload. Either way, it slowed down due to some postponements, and gradually just faded down.
Issues with the relationship surfaced yet again. While some says I simply don't understand, there are some sympathies for my predicament still. Honestly, it's probably not because I don't understand, but it's more like the bystanders don't really know the back stories enough to make a serious judgement about the case.
Anyway, it came to a final boiling point where personal emotions got in the way of official work, and that irked me big time. I'm okay with tantrums, but I'm just not okay when it's spent in front of clients or co-workers. It's unsightly, disgusting, and definitely not the best opportunity to air dirty linen. To make matters worse, it made the clients uncomfortable, something I would never want to over emphasise as grossly inappropriate.
But well, it still happened. And I exploded afterwards.
The difference this time is, I did not stop to control the outburst. I decided to just let it all come out. Those instances where you've put up with something for so long, and you can't hold it in any longer. Yeah, this time I have every right to explode. And why not? If someone else thinks they have a right to do what they did, why not I the right to react my way?
Think about it. It's truly straightforward. Someone can do something they think it's right, why can't I then? It's not about wrongs or rights, but it's come to a point of somebody wants to do something, and so do I.
So yes, that's the end of the episode for now. What else can there be?
These few days has bad news or happenings piling in and knocking on my already very volatile state of mind. And it doesn't help that my birthday tomorrow is gonna suck big time. What's worse, I dropped the keys into the lift shaft earlier on cos I was too tired and losing focus, buttered my fingers there even though I wasn't carrying much in my hands. Oh, I haven't gotten new clothes, so that's the other bummer. The biggest whammy: my bed broke a few days ago, and I rushed to get a new one only to have them deliver soonest with me fixing it up myself - and now the bed is in, it's a little too huge for the room.
I'm so heavily distracted by the needless relationship bugs that I think I've become so numb and shut out. Damn the believers who thought love was forever. Literally. 11 years of pain, I'm done.
So the ultimate question, why ain't I happy? Because I was not treasured as who I am.
This CNY will suck big time. I'm just gonna hide at home and pray no one disturbs me in my room. It be best I get my own space soon, before the nagging pours in big time just for that.
Saturday, January 01, 2011
2011 FiRST
Tis the first post of the year, and I thought I should look forward to differences. Changes perhaps, but I would rather things stop getting stuck in places where they should not be. In the least, it should at least wrangle itself out of stuckness.
A picture to commemorate 2010 I guess!
A picture to commemorate 2010 I guess!
Friday, December 31, 2010
2010 FiNALE
Yeah, and I got to do it in style. Or at least I was hoping. Then it became a fast fading wish.
Happy 2011 anyway.
Last night I witnessed loads of cheer and happiness for a change. The managers and bartenders were having their last final farewell for 2010, celebrated with a slew of drinks and coffee-shop talk. I just sat there watching them. And I actually felt happy! LOL. I'm a sad creature.
Happy 2011 anyway.
Last night I witnessed loads of cheer and happiness for a change. The managers and bartenders were having their last final farewell for 2010, celebrated with a slew of drinks and coffee-shop talk. I just sat there watching them. And I actually felt happy! LOL. I'm a sad creature.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
RiGHT ABOUT
The time when it comes to realising that things may have moved on, the world has gone on, that time has passed on, I stood here watching the world go by, knowing by heart that there's so much I've only achieved, yet, so much that is coming. I don't know, where were me when I needed me?
Monday, December 27, 2010
MERRY CHRiSTMAS
or whatever that's left. I thought I was supposed to be on a break, but turns out, we gotta work more than necessary. Perhaps I need to start to say NO quicker.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
i SEEK CLOSURE
I do. I'm done asking why. I'm done trying. I'm done even done. Come on, make it snappy. Snappy snappy!
Let's recap:
Jan: Managed to put 3 other very dear individuals together to form the current team at work. Projects that spilled over from last year came through as the first projects under the new management. Steering the projects through with only one other working partner then. Things were just beginning to take shape.
Feb: Spent the Lunar New Year needlessly finding out waves of bad news within the extended family. But hey, who's to complain? This is probably the last New Year festival that I was actually looking forward to, since we got together to throw pineapples for good luck. We obviously did something wrong - something doesn't feel right.
March: I can't remember a single thing about March, except work and worries. Lining yup projects were difficult, and the economic downturn certainly didn't help. Nothing great about the month honestly.
April: Much like March, except that we totally missed out celebrating her birthday, a reminder that came just 2 days ago. So sore was she that I could not mend the damage at all. Here's the worst part: she got angry, I had to continue balancing work and holding the management together. The other working partner finally broke away from his previous job completely and joined in full time. Nothing in full swing though, since everything seemed to be in limbo. We also got a contract to teach. Projects stopped coming in, and the teaching/supervising project became the only bread winner.
May: Another partner joined, started putting a workflow together and pulling resources in proper. Nothing to report except that a storm was brewing that broke out the following month. All I could remember was: working through Labour Day.
June: Fights began breaking out, both at work and home. At work, getting used to my style became the buzzword, and fingers pointed fast and furious at the flaws. Nobody's fault, major mis-communications only that resulted in an almost complete meltdown of the managing team. Worst off, a family member closed shop, sank deep into debt, and I lent money that would probably not ever be returned.
July: More fights broke out - sporadic skirmish. Load of it. Morale was spiraling downwards, and recovering became a longer road. Projects dwindled in and just barely putting bread on the table. Situation at home hardly changed.
August: The Nation's birthday month, the company's dire month, the family's blank month. All the fighting was somewhat put to rest at work, and we were all trying to move on. Notable event: NDP sucked. I stayed home and watched, thoroughly disappointed. The Youth Olympics plucked no chords with us, except getting one related event project to work on. And yes, this project somewhat saved our sorry asses.
September: forth partner finally reunited. Hard battle to appease everyone, especially when individuals were under stressful conditions to perform, and put things together. Warped situations were hammered rudely into form, while personal agendas were being moved aside. Memorable moments: none. Work started pouring in for October through to December.
October: Total meltdown. Great way to start from scratch. Moods improved in all aspects, except my own. I was covering massive amounts of work, and frequencies started to knob towards the frantic end. Yes, it was all beginning to become clear we were all a joke. But to make it otherwise, extra efforts countered, but were simply insufficient to balance the backlogs. Best part, home was still - everyone was watching with anticipation to see if anything improved. Nothing did. I ran off to Australia in search of a shelter to fend off criticisms and everything else that had gone bad. 3 days later, I returned, fresh back into the melee.
November: Beyond-repair situation. I was maxed out, health dwindled. Too many projects to clear, working extended hours like never before. Company on the whole spelled trouble with failure to meet datelines. Panic pangs hit the air everyday. It was almost as if apocalypse arrived. Thankfully, some things panned out. We were saved somewhat. Then, her mom was diagnosed with cancer, and she's spreading herself so thin that I could no longer help with the cause.
December: Exactly. Here we are, work on a good track, life in dire. What a situation to be in. Health on the declined so rapid I could've just woken up not waking up at all already. I seek desperately a way to rectify the current situation again. Believe me, stepping in my shoes is as good as stepping on a land-mine. She's throwing amazing mood swings, and is hysterical about what lies ahead when there isn't much to prove the situation to be worse than it is at the moment. I've gotten into so many fights till I'm hanging half-dead. Murmurs are back, and my cough wouldn't go away. I'm beginning to suspect something much more serious than I know off. I'm so desperate for sleep, and some love. All I'm getting is a cartload of bull.
Dear friends and the beloved departed, help me.
Let's recap:
Jan: Managed to put 3 other very dear individuals together to form the current team at work. Projects that spilled over from last year came through as the first projects under the new management. Steering the projects through with only one other working partner then. Things were just beginning to take shape.
Feb: Spent the Lunar New Year needlessly finding out waves of bad news within the extended family. But hey, who's to complain? This is probably the last New Year festival that I was actually looking forward to, since we got together to throw pineapples for good luck. We obviously did something wrong - something doesn't feel right.
March: I can't remember a single thing about March, except work and worries. Lining yup projects were difficult, and the economic downturn certainly didn't help. Nothing great about the month honestly.
April: Much like March, except that we totally missed out celebrating her birthday, a reminder that came just 2 days ago. So sore was she that I could not mend the damage at all. Here's the worst part: she got angry, I had to continue balancing work and holding the management together. The other working partner finally broke away from his previous job completely and joined in full time. Nothing in full swing though, since everything seemed to be in limbo. We also got a contract to teach. Projects stopped coming in, and the teaching/supervising project became the only bread winner.
May: Another partner joined, started putting a workflow together and pulling resources in proper. Nothing to report except that a storm was brewing that broke out the following month. All I could remember was: working through Labour Day.
June: Fights began breaking out, both at work and home. At work, getting used to my style became the buzzword, and fingers pointed fast and furious at the flaws. Nobody's fault, major mis-communications only that resulted in an almost complete meltdown of the managing team. Worst off, a family member closed shop, sank deep into debt, and I lent money that would probably not ever be returned.
July: More fights broke out - sporadic skirmish. Load of it. Morale was spiraling downwards, and recovering became a longer road. Projects dwindled in and just barely putting bread on the table. Situation at home hardly changed.
August: The Nation's birthday month, the company's dire month, the family's blank month. All the fighting was somewhat put to rest at work, and we were all trying to move on. Notable event: NDP sucked. I stayed home and watched, thoroughly disappointed. The Youth Olympics plucked no chords with us, except getting one related event project to work on. And yes, this project somewhat saved our sorry asses.
September: forth partner finally reunited. Hard battle to appease everyone, especially when individuals were under stressful conditions to perform, and put things together. Warped situations were hammered rudely into form, while personal agendas were being moved aside. Memorable moments: none. Work started pouring in for October through to December.
October: Total meltdown. Great way to start from scratch. Moods improved in all aspects, except my own. I was covering massive amounts of work, and frequencies started to knob towards the frantic end. Yes, it was all beginning to become clear we were all a joke. But to make it otherwise, extra efforts countered, but were simply insufficient to balance the backlogs. Best part, home was still - everyone was watching with anticipation to see if anything improved. Nothing did. I ran off to Australia in search of a shelter to fend off criticisms and everything else that had gone bad. 3 days later, I returned, fresh back into the melee.
November: Beyond-repair situation. I was maxed out, health dwindled. Too many projects to clear, working extended hours like never before. Company on the whole spelled trouble with failure to meet datelines. Panic pangs hit the air everyday. It was almost as if apocalypse arrived. Thankfully, some things panned out. We were saved somewhat. Then, her mom was diagnosed with cancer, and she's spreading herself so thin that I could no longer help with the cause.
December: Exactly. Here we are, work on a good track, life in dire. What a situation to be in. Health on the declined so rapid I could've just woken up not waking up at all already. I seek desperately a way to rectify the current situation again. Believe me, stepping in my shoes is as good as stepping on a land-mine. She's throwing amazing mood swings, and is hysterical about what lies ahead when there isn't much to prove the situation to be worse than it is at the moment. I've gotten into so many fights till I'm hanging half-dead. Murmurs are back, and my cough wouldn't go away. I'm beginning to suspect something much more serious than I know off. I'm so desperate for sleep, and some love. All I'm getting is a cartload of bull.
Dear friends and the beloved departed, help me.
Thursday, December 09, 2010
WHAT HAPPENS
Things seem to look up after 11 long long months of struggling to put things together into one big happy pile. Problem is, I am extremely fatigued. Can't seem to re-route the time to something better, or make things even more endearing.
Terrible times in good times.
Terrible times in good times.
Thursday, December 02, 2010
REJECTiON
Received news from a client today that we did a bad job. I also fell behind another. Yes, I blamed it on another project that I helped out that took up too much time. I blame the people who cannot complete their dedicate tasks. But, I also took it on myself that I didn't put my foot down enough to make them responsible.
I will change that later.
I will change that later.
Friday, November 26, 2010
UNDER THE MOONLiGHT
I wrote this piece of music for a film, and it just kept growing on me. Simple, not like how I used to overdo any part of it. Maybe I've become quite easy from being a little hands-in-the-air lately. I'm waving the white flag already. What else do you want?
Friday, November 19, 2010
HANG
Thing are becoming more of a bullshit than anything else lately. I'm sitting here feeling like crap. Why? Cos everyone else wants the glory, and they just need me to deliver the goods to achieve that.
Friday, November 12, 2010
NOVEMBER
hello again. hello! =)
i can't remember when i crossed over to november. but i did nonetheless. i had plenty to write, but after a really long exchange with a friend, fingers a little tired, head a little wheezy.
enjoy november folks. i know mine is thrashed. argh.
i can't remember when i crossed over to november. but i did nonetheless. i had plenty to write, but after a really long exchange with a friend, fingers a little tired, head a little wheezy.
enjoy november folks. i know mine is thrashed. argh.
Sunday, November 07, 2010
THE BURDEN OF PROOF
That's the phrase that describes a defendant's task of proving innocence.
And today, it hit home again that I'm just indeed someone cut-off from all the good stuff. I appreciate the many things that I have, but the need to sustain their existence comes with many sacrifices that eventually takes some of them away. I can't even remember my last free weekend for goodness sake. I don't even remember when I actually laughed for real.
It's that hard. People change, things change, and change is the only constant. But I held steadfast to my will believing it can stay the way it is. Or at least myself. Then I found myself asking, have I changed? Yes, I have, in order to improve the unchanged that I believed to be causing me hurt. But nothing else changed.
Did change stop because I changed? Or did change changed, before I could catch up? Or could it be plain I didn't change, at all?
I fought hard for the fine little things in life, of which, honestly, I've achieve 3 frivolous things. Beyond that, there was really nothing else that shows I'm even anywhere near the fine things. I don't think this is whining anymore. I think this has become a de-sensitised assessment of my current predicament.
I wish I hard just left the country when I had the chance. Seriously. Being here stuck in a limbo for the last 10 years were truly the worst experience of my life. I can't imagine the difference in living, away from all these obligations that have finally now being taken for granted.
My decision to re-construct the company was a total mistake. I now do 3 portions more of what I used to do, and my paycheck continued to shrink because it's a brand new system in place. Utter failure.
Then, the decision to continue serenading the select few individuals in my life that I hold so dear, turned out to be the thrashing point. They cling on harder, to the point I'm about every part of everything. There is no freedom at all. I'm so stifled. Utter failure.
Just before that, I thought believing in people was my only salvation to be recognised. I believed so hard that trust and beliefs would give me a life. But it hit so fast and hard that I finally saw the true nature of being human, that there was never anyone to completely trust except for those who do, in me. I was so wasted, taken for a ride, used and repeated, and it came crushing down to teach me that one fine lesson of utter failure.
I really should have insisted on following my dreams of becoming learned in music, even if my folks had to sell the house back then. Look where I am now? Utter failure.
But no, I insisted that they needed not do that. Cos my sis was in University already, and my brother was aiming for his degree at the same time. I told my folks that I will be okay, that I had no flair whatsoever with books, numbers, theories, and the alphabets. I gladly offered my youth to take over the sinking business, and was harshly told not to butt in. The business fell apart eventually, and left whoever was left in a real fix. Not that I could have done better, but starting from young would have been their winning formula of subsistence. And swiftly, my folks told me to stay out of all Arts, and just try getting into University. My besties went through while I cried secretly at night. I visited them often at the campus, pretending sometimes that I was a freshman just to pretend I was getting a degree too. In the end. I'm still here. Utter failure.
Let me just perhaps lament for the last time that my mis-education was a misfortune, the greatest loss, and my worst experience. Yes, had I insisted to go study music when everyone at home said it wouldn't make money, but for fuck's sake, I could sell a piece for 25 thousand that my ex-partners eventually ripped off of me, I could be selling more at better rates now, be somebody, be somebody. Be somebody. Not like now. Struggling to feed. Yes, I should have insisted, instead of making myself feel better by thinking I was not cut out for it.
I asked the heavens when I got home: why? The burden of proof for me to find my destiny seems impossible.
I want many things to. But hell, I'm so sad now that I just don't want to be disturbed. I don't want to be pretending that I'm alright. Because I'm really not. And people don't understand, thinking I'm just some grouchy fool. I can't even regret when there was nothing for me to regret. I should have insisted on leaving, and left. And I did not, not because I stayed, but I was forced to stay. Why must it be so hard.
So today, I got home at 7am on a Sunday morning, doing work that others could not handle, not able to get out of it cos somebody's got to do it, and so I did it, the only next qualified person to do it. No money to hire someone who could. So I did it. And yet people lost their tempers when I did it. Why? Cos they feel I did what they should do when they cannot do it. They didn't do it eventually, cos I did it. I did it yet I got blamed for it.
I'm so burned out. So tired to the point I don't even know if I'm awake or just sleeping. I took a power nap just yesterday in-between the work cos I was so tired, and I dreamt so much that I jumped out of my nap suddenly cos everything in my head felt so real. And last night, I thought I was fiddling with the computer, only to find myself already fast asleep on it.
Geez. I just yawned. I think I must be sleepy. I don't know. After all, utter failure as the burden of proof falls apart.
And today, it hit home again that I'm just indeed someone cut-off from all the good stuff. I appreciate the many things that I have, but the need to sustain their existence comes with many sacrifices that eventually takes some of them away. I can't even remember my last free weekend for goodness sake. I don't even remember when I actually laughed for real.
It's that hard. People change, things change, and change is the only constant. But I held steadfast to my will believing it can stay the way it is. Or at least myself. Then I found myself asking, have I changed? Yes, I have, in order to improve the unchanged that I believed to be causing me hurt. But nothing else changed.
Did change stop because I changed? Or did change changed, before I could catch up? Or could it be plain I didn't change, at all?
I fought hard for the fine little things in life, of which, honestly, I've achieve 3 frivolous things. Beyond that, there was really nothing else that shows I'm even anywhere near the fine things. I don't think this is whining anymore. I think this has become a de-sensitised assessment of my current predicament.
I wish I hard just left the country when I had the chance. Seriously. Being here stuck in a limbo for the last 10 years were truly the worst experience of my life. I can't imagine the difference in living, away from all these obligations that have finally now being taken for granted.
My decision to re-construct the company was a total mistake. I now do 3 portions more of what I used to do, and my paycheck continued to shrink because it's a brand new system in place. Utter failure.
Then, the decision to continue serenading the select few individuals in my life that I hold so dear, turned out to be the thrashing point. They cling on harder, to the point I'm about every part of everything. There is no freedom at all. I'm so stifled. Utter failure.
Just before that, I thought believing in people was my only salvation to be recognised. I believed so hard that trust and beliefs would give me a life. But it hit so fast and hard that I finally saw the true nature of being human, that there was never anyone to completely trust except for those who do, in me. I was so wasted, taken for a ride, used and repeated, and it came crushing down to teach me that one fine lesson of utter failure.
I really should have insisted on following my dreams of becoming learned in music, even if my folks had to sell the house back then. Look where I am now? Utter failure.
But no, I insisted that they needed not do that. Cos my sis was in University already, and my brother was aiming for his degree at the same time. I told my folks that I will be okay, that I had no flair whatsoever with books, numbers, theories, and the alphabets. I gladly offered my youth to take over the sinking business, and was harshly told not to butt in. The business fell apart eventually, and left whoever was left in a real fix. Not that I could have done better, but starting from young would have been their winning formula of subsistence. And swiftly, my folks told me to stay out of all Arts, and just try getting into University. My besties went through while I cried secretly at night. I visited them often at the campus, pretending sometimes that I was a freshman just to pretend I was getting a degree too. In the end. I'm still here. Utter failure.
Let me just perhaps lament for the last time that my mis-education was a misfortune, the greatest loss, and my worst experience. Yes, had I insisted to go study music when everyone at home said it wouldn't make money, but for fuck's sake, I could sell a piece for 25 thousand that my ex-partners eventually ripped off of me, I could be selling more at better rates now, be somebody, be somebody. Be somebody. Not like now. Struggling to feed. Yes, I should have insisted, instead of making myself feel better by thinking I was not cut out for it.
I asked the heavens when I got home: why? The burden of proof for me to find my destiny seems impossible.
I want many things to. But hell, I'm so sad now that I just don't want to be disturbed. I don't want to be pretending that I'm alright. Because I'm really not. And people don't understand, thinking I'm just some grouchy fool. I can't even regret when there was nothing for me to regret. I should have insisted on leaving, and left. And I did not, not because I stayed, but I was forced to stay. Why must it be so hard.
So today, I got home at 7am on a Sunday morning, doing work that others could not handle, not able to get out of it cos somebody's got to do it, and so I did it, the only next qualified person to do it. No money to hire someone who could. So I did it. And yet people lost their tempers when I did it. Why? Cos they feel I did what they should do when they cannot do it. They didn't do it eventually, cos I did it. I did it yet I got blamed for it.
I'm so burned out. So tired to the point I don't even know if I'm awake or just sleeping. I took a power nap just yesterday in-between the work cos I was so tired, and I dreamt so much that I jumped out of my nap suddenly cos everything in my head felt so real. And last night, I thought I was fiddling with the computer, only to find myself already fast asleep on it.
Geez. I just yawned. I think I must be sleepy. I don't know. After all, utter failure as the burden of proof falls apart.
Saturday, November 06, 2010
Monday, October 25, 2010
RESOL
I so hate hate hate
I so love love love
I so bored till I could make a wish above
That all things sickening be buried in earth
I so love love love
I so bored till I could make a wish above
That all things sickening be buried in earth
Thursday, October 21, 2010
MORAL GROUNDS
I spent about 15 minutes airing my thoughts, the next hour pondering about them, then... in about another 20 minutes after, I decided I'm too grossed out over what has become.
The peanut butter spilled, attracted tons of ants, and I'm rushing for work. That's how it feels like. Not helpless, just resigned. Standing between what could go awry and the freedom of expression, the moral grounds certainly has nothing in the middle. Either it hits, or misses.
I'm glad I'm actually home. Perhaps dealing head-on, face-to-face isn't my thing anymore. To make it easy, getting tired is the surest way to be undisturbed, and left alone. I like that. I missed that in fact. For a good while now I have to pay attention to someone else's needs. And it seems I cannot claim don't-knows.
Did I ever mention I got a B+ for my law test back in school? Yeah, and I was late apparently for a good 45 minutes. What does it show? Someone remembers and comes haunting! LOL.
Off the top of my head, it's really nice to be back home blogging. Really relaxing, cos I really love me-time =)
The peanut butter spilled, attracted tons of ants, and I'm rushing for work. That's how it feels like. Not helpless, just resigned. Standing between what could go awry and the freedom of expression, the moral grounds certainly has nothing in the middle. Either it hits, or misses.
I'm glad I'm actually home. Perhaps dealing head-on, face-to-face isn't my thing anymore. To make it easy, getting tired is the surest way to be undisturbed, and left alone. I like that. I missed that in fact. For a good while now I have to pay attention to someone else's needs. And it seems I cannot claim don't-knows.
Did I ever mention I got a B+ for my law test back in school? Yeah, and I was late apparently for a good 45 minutes. What does it show? Someone remembers and comes haunting! LOL.
Off the top of my head, it's really nice to be back home blogging. Really relaxing, cos I really love me-time =)
Saturday, September 18, 2010
DO WE?
Yeah! Do we even need to think about this?!
It's so natural... everything that goes right has no share, everything that goes wrong has someone to blame. Greatest law of nature: Goodness is taken, Blame oft orphaned.
It's so natural... everything that goes right has no share, everything that goes wrong has someone to blame. Greatest law of nature: Goodness is taken, Blame oft orphaned.
Friday, September 10, 2010
PART iE
I was hoping to get all high and drunk, have an awesome time, paint the town red, be all excited. What I ended up with was a mixture of confusion, flawed anticipation, and false pretense. That was stupid.
Disappointing.
Disappointing.
Wednesday, September 01, 2010
PRiZE
I was just surfing the web, watching some videos of Amita's performances, and got on to some recent footage of her win at an awards show. I like Amita a lot - for one, she's humble enough to admit that she's working really hard because she loves to sing, but on the other hand, she's not afraid to fail and to keep trying.
Then I kind of looked at myself - have I tried enough? Strangely, I started wondering what it's like to win a prize. But more importantly, what does it take to win a prize.
Mediocre and untrained. That's pretty much about me. My craft is basic, and my hearing is going. What will it take for me to win a prize? And, will I ever win one? What will I say when I get one if I ever? When will that be?
I've been to some nice glitzy prize ceremonies, and honestly, looking at some predecessors receiving awards when they're old and grey doesn't feel too good. A lifetime of work, and only a moment of glory too late into their years. Once, an ex-instructor of mine who was teaching a bunch of us ad-hoc in our school band previously, received an award after getting off his wheel chair, in his ripe age of 80. It was late, but it never was too late to some. Thing is, would it be worthwhile getting one by then?
Let's focus on one thing: do I qualify. I dare say, not this life. The truth has moved on, but I guess it can't be helped to keep wishing. And point is, if wishes come true, and dreams are realised, then wishes and dreams don't exist. If they do, they are what they are.
What's with being poignant about it? It's all about keeping yourself alive, and surviving life itself. Goodnight cyberspacemen.
Then I kind of looked at myself - have I tried enough? Strangely, I started wondering what it's like to win a prize. But more importantly, what does it take to win a prize.
Mediocre and untrained. That's pretty much about me. My craft is basic, and my hearing is going. What will it take for me to win a prize? And, will I ever win one? What will I say when I get one if I ever? When will that be?
I've been to some nice glitzy prize ceremonies, and honestly, looking at some predecessors receiving awards when they're old and grey doesn't feel too good. A lifetime of work, and only a moment of glory too late into their years. Once, an ex-instructor of mine who was teaching a bunch of us ad-hoc in our school band previously, received an award after getting off his wheel chair, in his ripe age of 80. It was late, but it never was too late to some. Thing is, would it be worthwhile getting one by then?
Let's focus on one thing: do I qualify. I dare say, not this life. The truth has moved on, but I guess it can't be helped to keep wishing. And point is, if wishes come true, and dreams are realised, then wishes and dreams don't exist. If they do, they are what they are.
What's with being poignant about it? It's all about keeping yourself alive, and surviving life itself. Goodnight cyberspacemen.
SLOW
I had a small fight earlier with the girl again. But at least I'm proud to say that I kept my cool far more than I used to, and kept my composure. So that's a good start to being more patient.
Aah... patience... such a simple word, such a hefty task...
I'm still trying to grasp what I should be doing next. It does seem to point out that I've got options actually, I'm just not weighing them out at this juncture. Lazy maybe, but more like trying not to rush into things. Whatever's the case, I think I'll keep it cool too. Patience..
Aah... patience... such a simple word, such a hefty task...
I'm still trying to grasp what I should be doing next. It does seem to point out that I've got options actually, I'm just not weighing them out at this juncture. Lazy maybe, but more like trying not to rush into things. Whatever's the case, I think I'll keep it cool too. Patience..
Monday, August 30, 2010
GETTiNG BACK
I've been reminiscing about the calm and quiet I got the last weekend - nobody to bug my over anything really. The only tense moment I got was trying to shower and change up under ten minutes with the temperatures going at 10. LOL.
We were kind of on the roads a lot, given one place to the next is quite a distance, despite being between thirty to an hour's drive at about 100. It's nice to have the windows down and the breeze going strong in the face, blowing the skin backwards and circling round the head. Sneezing, of course, would be a bad idea.
There was this little violinist boy at the market when we were. Didn't take any pictures cos it wasn't exactly picturesque. But to be up that early in the morning was really quite something. He wasn't the best player I've heard, but least he could manage a decent tune. Something I would consider precious in my lifetime if it did come close to being special for a street basker.
Right down to being physically somewhere else, I think for once I brought my brains along and letting it chill out together. I'm not recharged to be honest, but the calmness did my some good when so many things were fired up on the wrong end for the last couple of years. But like I told Jean, her destination was one I didn't regret. Not the slightest, not a hint.
Oh well, perhaps I should travel more, and see what else comes.
We were kind of on the roads a lot, given one place to the next is quite a distance, despite being between thirty to an hour's drive at about 100. It's nice to have the windows down and the breeze going strong in the face, blowing the skin backwards and circling round the head. Sneezing, of course, would be a bad idea.
There was this little violinist boy at the market when we were. Didn't take any pictures cos it wasn't exactly picturesque. But to be up that early in the morning was really quite something. He wasn't the best player I've heard, but least he could manage a decent tune. Something I would consider precious in my lifetime if it did come close to being special for a street basker.
Right down to being physically somewhere else, I think for once I brought my brains along and letting it chill out together. I'm not recharged to be honest, but the calmness did my some good when so many things were fired up on the wrong end for the last couple of years. But like I told Jean, her destination was one I didn't regret. Not the slightest, not a hint.
Oh well, perhaps I should travel more, and see what else comes.
Friday, August 27, 2010
FLY AWAY
Nice to be taking some time off, like after 10 years?! I actually forgot what it's like to even take a breather, let alone breathe.
Destination was, to be honest, really fantastic, even though it wasn't anywhere that people around me would go wow. Still, paying Jean a visit proved... organically a fabulous retreat.
King's Park Memorial
Some pictures to add a touch of colors to the blog finally!
Beauty
Jean's front door!
Ciao Italia
Home sweet home
And lavender grows in this town!
Nice~
Candid shot
Candid shot
Some harbor place...
Driven! LOL
Candid shot againz...
My perfect sky
Fish + chips place
Love the sunset
And that about rounds up some of the better shots using my phone's cam. Strangely, I was supposed to feel recharged... hasn't really sunk in yet.
It's hard to manage a few things at the same time right now, especially when I'm talking to colleagues about work and trying to resize the pictures here. Plus this really strange kid talking to me over MSN when I don't even know who that is. I'll write more tomorrow.
Destination was, to be honest, really fantastic, even though it wasn't anywhere that people around me would go wow. Still, paying Jean a visit proved... organically a fabulous retreat.
King's Park Memorial
Some pictures to add a touch of colors to the blog finally!
Beauty
Jean's front door!
Ciao Italia
Home sweet home
And lavender grows in this town!
Nice~
Candid shot
Candid shot
Some harbor place...
Driven! LOL
Candid shot againz...
My perfect sky
Fish + chips place
Love the sunset
And that about rounds up some of the better shots using my phone's cam. Strangely, I was supposed to feel recharged... hasn't really sunk in yet.
It's hard to manage a few things at the same time right now, especially when I'm talking to colleagues about work and trying to resize the pictures here. Plus this really strange kid talking to me over MSN when I don't even know who that is. I'll write more tomorrow.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
FLY
Yes, I do hate flying. I never understood how people can withstand that weightlessness when it takes off, and that rush of gravity when it lands. But truth is, you can't really get anywhere in the world fast, can you?
It's been an easy evening so far. I'm kind of waiting for the computer to update to watch the show. It's taking a bit, and I can't wait! Spent a good few months editing it whenever I have the time, and now that it's done, it will be awesome to see it for myself in full!
So far, things have slowed down a fair bit. Perhaps making next weekend's trip would be great to keep the peace for a little longer. Jean thought I was flying 2 days ago, and was screaming at the other end when she found out she got the wrong dates. Good too that she called, like she said, might have ended up at the airport with nobody to pick up. LOL.
Geez. The updates are really crawling.
I realised I've not been posting pictures here for a long time. Maybe I should do that when inspirations hit or something. Good evening cyberspacemen!
It's been an easy evening so far. I'm kind of waiting for the computer to update to watch the show. It's taking a bit, and I can't wait! Spent a good few months editing it whenever I have the time, and now that it's done, it will be awesome to see it for myself in full!
So far, things have slowed down a fair bit. Perhaps making next weekend's trip would be great to keep the peace for a little longer. Jean thought I was flying 2 days ago, and was screaming at the other end when she found out she got the wrong dates. Good too that she called, like she said, might have ended up at the airport with nobody to pick up. LOL.
Geez. The updates are really crawling.
I realised I've not been posting pictures here for a long time. Maybe I should do that when inspirations hit or something. Good evening cyberspacemen!
Thursday, August 12, 2010
FiNALES
Another sad day passes with near heart-attacks and mind-bending sorrow. Not a day when I can pull myself together and say "this is what it should be!" Seems like I did make a truth somewhere. Suay.
Sunday, August 08, 2010
PLAY A GAME
So the game of silence has starter. I think this is one of the stupidest things to do when people are angry: they refuse to talk to communicate with the culprits in question. It's really dumb and people actually believe that's effective?!
Okay, maybe somewhat, but it just makes the situation worse by pissing everyone else off. LOL. That much I'm sure cos I'm pissed.
Okay, maybe somewhat, but it just makes the situation worse by pissing everyone else off. LOL. That much I'm sure cos I'm pissed.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
WHY THE RAiN iSN'T
I always thought that the rain had colors, not clear as they appear when they fall and splatter. It has colors, more than what we can possibly imagine and see with our eyes, and that's why when the sun shines through the rain, the rainbows form.
Honestly, I didn't want to blog about the rain today, nor colors, nor the rainbows. I just need someone to listen to me. And blog... you seem to do that just fine. You listen patiently, and your never once did say anything that hurt me. You certainly won't go away whenever you felt like.
I've been having it hard at work. That the workload is already heavy, the people made it most unpleasant, tense, and very demoralising. I wanted to be good at what I do, but with no formal education, it's a really uphill task. I wanted to improve, to learn, but people had shut me out many times. So I learnt on my own, used my own hands, my own ears, and that got me to the best I can be, but is still far from what the younger peers with a great education, have achieved.
I've tried my best. That much I can vouch. You cannot imagine how many times I've secretly wet my pillows, or when I stare blank into the distance, given up all hope, given up all courage and determination. But each time I come back stronger, I get beaten even harder.
Why isn't there ever a fair punch pulled? I see how easily some people get to where they want to, yet I struggle like a battering ram against walls after walls. It almost feels like there is no cause. There's just more pain waiting.
It also hurts more when the very people I trust that gave me the encouragement, are also the ones beating me down.
I ran away from work today, cos it felt just like that same time 5 years ago, that I was no longer welcomed, no longer needed. Am I not good enough? Or am I simply in the wrong place? I regret carrying on. I regret. Very much. I should have stayed on my own, die a horrid death, and return to the workforce. That's about it. I regret. I'm disappointed. I'm disappointed that for the last 2 days, I wake to insults from mom. I'm used to it, it used to hurt. Now it just disappoints. That I am nothing but a ball to kick.
Why do I even want to do this, seriously? I should perhaps just stop. Quit. I thought about going automatic, robotic. Go through the motion, get through life as is. Really, what are all these for.
I don't like it here anymore. Blog, you seem like my last friend who understands. And that makes me very pathetic.
Honestly, I didn't want to blog about the rain today, nor colors, nor the rainbows. I just need someone to listen to me. And blog... you seem to do that just fine. You listen patiently, and your never once did say anything that hurt me. You certainly won't go away whenever you felt like.
I've been having it hard at work. That the workload is already heavy, the people made it most unpleasant, tense, and very demoralising. I wanted to be good at what I do, but with no formal education, it's a really uphill task. I wanted to improve, to learn, but people had shut me out many times. So I learnt on my own, used my own hands, my own ears, and that got me to the best I can be, but is still far from what the younger peers with a great education, have achieved.
I've tried my best. That much I can vouch. You cannot imagine how many times I've secretly wet my pillows, or when I stare blank into the distance, given up all hope, given up all courage and determination. But each time I come back stronger, I get beaten even harder.
Why isn't there ever a fair punch pulled? I see how easily some people get to where they want to, yet I struggle like a battering ram against walls after walls. It almost feels like there is no cause. There's just more pain waiting.
It also hurts more when the very people I trust that gave me the encouragement, are also the ones beating me down.
I ran away from work today, cos it felt just like that same time 5 years ago, that I was no longer welcomed, no longer needed. Am I not good enough? Or am I simply in the wrong place? I regret carrying on. I regret. Very much. I should have stayed on my own, die a horrid death, and return to the workforce. That's about it. I regret. I'm disappointed. I'm disappointed that for the last 2 days, I wake to insults from mom. I'm used to it, it used to hurt. Now it just disappoints. That I am nothing but a ball to kick.
Why do I even want to do this, seriously? I should perhaps just stop. Quit. I thought about going automatic, robotic. Go through the motion, get through life as is. Really, what are all these for.
I don't like it here anymore. Blog, you seem like my last friend who understands. And that makes me very pathetic.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
WAH LAU EH
Boring... I wish I don't need to cover for so many people as compared to when I was on my own... OMG...
Thursday, June 17, 2010
5TH 2
I was hoping for a revisit, but seemed like I was too exhausted to keep up with myself or anything else for that matter. Truth is, whenever I go under, any newly established glimmer is worth diamonds.
I slugged to work today amidst the light drizzle, froze my ass off in the office, thinking about too many things to be of comfort. Was certain that at some point in time, it'll end up as with the befores - the looking forward dissipates into wishful thinkings, then re-engaging in routines that would certainly bored the ends off me.
What with a fistful of eagerness to accomplish my own findings eventually ends up always, as a comedic take on fantasies and childish thoughts.
Not too sure why, but tonight I suddenly played Lavender. It was nostalgic considering the circumstances it was recording in. And of all things, I found myself awed by the ability to form correct lyrical musings and really pull it off as some serious discussion topic in musical form. Other than that, what appears to be massive efforts, is really just passionate tries.
Oh, did I mention the Mac glasses are back?! We've been lunching out, upsized, and I'm getting new glasses and running out of places to put them in the office. I got to find a way to put them to good use. Nice glasses to drink from if I might add, just a little too brittle when it breaks, and they break real easy. Bummer.
As usual, mum's dumplings got rave reviews like always. Good thing that if she ever had an off day on her cooking, it usually happens in-house, and not when they are done for gourmet-mad individuals. But well, they are good, and that's all that matters.
I'm getting out of hand on myself. Help? Got milk?
I slugged to work today amidst the light drizzle, froze my ass off in the office, thinking about too many things to be of comfort. Was certain that at some point in time, it'll end up as with the befores - the looking forward dissipates into wishful thinkings, then re-engaging in routines that would certainly bored the ends off me.
What with a fistful of eagerness to accomplish my own findings eventually ends up always, as a comedic take on fantasies and childish thoughts.
Not too sure why, but tonight I suddenly played Lavender. It was nostalgic considering the circumstances it was recording in. And of all things, I found myself awed by the ability to form correct lyrical musings and really pull it off as some serious discussion topic in musical form. Other than that, what appears to be massive efforts, is really just passionate tries.
Oh, did I mention the Mac glasses are back?! We've been lunching out, upsized, and I'm getting new glasses and running out of places to put them in the office. I got to find a way to put them to good use. Nice glasses to drink from if I might add, just a little too brittle when it breaks, and they break real easy. Bummer.
As usual, mum's dumplings got rave reviews like always. Good thing that if she ever had an off day on her cooking, it usually happens in-house, and not when they are done for gourmet-mad individuals. But well, they are good, and that's all that matters.
I'm getting out of hand on myself. Help? Got milk?
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
5TH
Ah! The new blogger templates look fab!
"My mum was complaining about how 6th aunt scored $20K at the lottery after my 5th aunt apparently visited her (6th aunt) in her dreams. Mum was lamenting about how 5th aunt could have blessed her younger sister and not her, and she went on for a while more, with the conversation ending in a pretty light mood. I mean, mum wasn't angry or anything and she just said all that in jest, but it was her missing for 5th aunt that came out blaring.
I went back into my room after packing up the hall a little I think, and there laid my 5th aunt in a bodhisatta posture on my folded sofa bed. She rang out with a bright smile on her face, loud and sweet as she had always been, "Play your music!" I was pleasantly surprised at her presence, and made no attempts to argue.
I remember resting the stuff I was carrying into the room down, then popping in a CD into the hi-fi system. The song 'Misty' came on, something I wrote many years back. As the music played on, she sang along and said again, "Play your songs!" I smiled, and started digging for more CDs. The day went on with hardly any chatter, just plain enjoying the music, the quiet, the breezy sunny afternoon, and the peace that she somehow brought with her.
The night passed quickly, and the quilt had me covered from head to toe from a really deep sleep. The sun was up and I knew it, but refused to acknowledge the brightening day. Snoozing, like they say. And as I laid with sheets over my face to block out the light, I heard a sudden scurrying of feet that circled round me once, and stopped for a really long moment. Next thing I knew, somebody lifted the sheets off my face in a snap that woke me up in a slight discomfort. What greeted me was the sweetest face, smiling and beaming in awesome delight. There was no indication whatsoever of a wake-up call, just seemingly a gentle reminder to rise already.
[What happened next can only be explained in person.]
Still, the little boy soon ran out the room, leaving me to wake up in a slight stupor of sorts, but getting up to a brand new day. I tried looking around the house for the little chap, but he seemed to have just disappeared into thin air. And that was when I opened my eyes to a bright sunny day, as if all that was a mash of time."
I called mum afterwards, thinking how she might have missed 5th aunt cos she was out the house early. It was as if my late 5th aunt had come to visit, and she could not find mum. So while I slept, she needed someone to tell my mum that she's alright and doing fine. That's all.
The feeling of serenity and familiarity was not scary, or anything like that. But the very ache of losing her to cancer could have taken quite a toil on me personally for a while.
I remember rushing to JB a couple times cos she was in pretty bad shape, 'critical condition' like my 6th aunt mentioned. The frailty of the situation, circumstance, and 5th aunt herself was a sight that no one could comprehend in full. Once, when she needed blood, I did not hesitate to sign on a transfusion donation towards the blood bank, so that she could use the emergency blood first, while we replenished the stock in the bank. The shortage was blaring, and needless to say, any arrangements is a good one.
And despite my extreme fear for needles, I went, convincing my brother to do so too, as 2 packs were needed, and I could only contribute one.
Alas, no blood saved her.
The day she passed on was a strange day. I can't quite recall, but I wanted her to gain respect of her new status, and move on, and not to look back at the young children that she left had absolutely not willingly left behind. The exact moment of her death was also not witnessed by anyone, something all of us could not live with for quite a while.
I wish she's in heaven now, looking over all of us like a shining star.
Her great fancy over spicy savors will never be forgotten, as with how she would nap at grandma's feet in the afternoons, making it difficult for grandma to get up from her easy chair. Did I also mention how funny she can be?
----------+----------
The little one, is no mystery. I know it's a vision, and a vision that will happen at some point in time. My baffles are, who is he, and what do we have to do with each other. I've been pondering about it for the entire day, but all clues stop short of announcing what it really all means.
It's been a while since I've had visions. This one will lead to something very massive. If the visions re-engages tonight, I might not be too keen to find out in real life. Perhaps for me, sometimes keeping things dreaming and alive, is better than being come alive, and passing by.
The affinity and emotional values at this point in time is overwhelming. I've been overworking and over-clocking my hours - I hope none of these are contributing to the sights, even though the pleasantness was real enough to make my heart wrench and ache in absolute kindness and love. The aptness of this post would have been just a very gentle passing comment to remember what ticked 'back then', and had lead to something, for the better or for the worse.
I've been yawning. Goodnight cyberspace.
"My mum was complaining about how 6th aunt scored $20K at the lottery after my 5th aunt apparently visited her (6th aunt) in her dreams. Mum was lamenting about how 5th aunt could have blessed her younger sister and not her, and she went on for a while more, with the conversation ending in a pretty light mood. I mean, mum wasn't angry or anything and she just said all that in jest, but it was her missing for 5th aunt that came out blaring.
I went back into my room after packing up the hall a little I think, and there laid my 5th aunt in a bodhisatta posture on my folded sofa bed. She rang out with a bright smile on her face, loud and sweet as she had always been, "Play your music!" I was pleasantly surprised at her presence, and made no attempts to argue.
I remember resting the stuff I was carrying into the room down, then popping in a CD into the hi-fi system. The song 'Misty' came on, something I wrote many years back. As the music played on, she sang along and said again, "Play your songs!" I smiled, and started digging for more CDs. The day went on with hardly any chatter, just plain enjoying the music, the quiet, the breezy sunny afternoon, and the peace that she somehow brought with her.
The night passed quickly, and the quilt had me covered from head to toe from a really deep sleep. The sun was up and I knew it, but refused to acknowledge the brightening day. Snoozing, like they say. And as I laid with sheets over my face to block out the light, I heard a sudden scurrying of feet that circled round me once, and stopped for a really long moment. Next thing I knew, somebody lifted the sheets off my face in a snap that woke me up in a slight discomfort. What greeted me was the sweetest face, smiling and beaming in awesome delight. There was no indication whatsoever of a wake-up call, just seemingly a gentle reminder to rise already.
[What happened next can only be explained in person.]
Still, the little boy soon ran out the room, leaving me to wake up in a slight stupor of sorts, but getting up to a brand new day. I tried looking around the house for the little chap, but he seemed to have just disappeared into thin air. And that was when I opened my eyes to a bright sunny day, as if all that was a mash of time."
I called mum afterwards, thinking how she might have missed 5th aunt cos she was out the house early. It was as if my late 5th aunt had come to visit, and she could not find mum. So while I slept, she needed someone to tell my mum that she's alright and doing fine. That's all.
The feeling of serenity and familiarity was not scary, or anything like that. But the very ache of losing her to cancer could have taken quite a toil on me personally for a while.
I remember rushing to JB a couple times cos she was in pretty bad shape, 'critical condition' like my 6th aunt mentioned. The frailty of the situation, circumstance, and 5th aunt herself was a sight that no one could comprehend in full. Once, when she needed blood, I did not hesitate to sign on a transfusion donation towards the blood bank, so that she could use the emergency blood first, while we replenished the stock in the bank. The shortage was blaring, and needless to say, any arrangements is a good one.
And despite my extreme fear for needles, I went, convincing my brother to do so too, as 2 packs were needed, and I could only contribute one.
Alas, no blood saved her.
The day she passed on was a strange day. I can't quite recall, but I wanted her to gain respect of her new status, and move on, and not to look back at the young children that she left had absolutely not willingly left behind. The exact moment of her death was also not witnessed by anyone, something all of us could not live with for quite a while.
I wish she's in heaven now, looking over all of us like a shining star.
Her great fancy over spicy savors will never be forgotten, as with how she would nap at grandma's feet in the afternoons, making it difficult for grandma to get up from her easy chair. Did I also mention how funny she can be?
The little one, is no mystery. I know it's a vision, and a vision that will happen at some point in time. My baffles are, who is he, and what do we have to do with each other. I've been pondering about it for the entire day, but all clues stop short of announcing what it really all means.
It's been a while since I've had visions. This one will lead to something very massive. If the visions re-engages tonight, I might not be too keen to find out in real life. Perhaps for me, sometimes keeping things dreaming and alive, is better than being come alive, and passing by.
The affinity and emotional values at this point in time is overwhelming. I've been overworking and over-clocking my hours - I hope none of these are contributing to the sights, even though the pleasantness was real enough to make my heart wrench and ache in absolute kindness and love. The aptness of this post would have been just a very gentle passing comment to remember what ticked 'back then', and had lead to something, for the better or for the worse.
I've been yawning. Goodnight cyberspace.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
THE GREATER
I was suddenly reminiscing about something. Then I can't remember what it was all about. LOL.
It's been so long since I've actually came home early enough to do anything constructive, only to find myself smacked seated watching youtube and chatting with someone online. Then, it's already 3:30am in the morning... tired, not showered, sleepy, and very looking towards nothing.
Oh well... if only life is really just having a bud and watching the game.
I want to write music again.
It's been so long since I've actually came home early enough to do anything constructive, only to find myself smacked seated watching youtube and chatting with someone online. Then, it's already 3:30am in the morning... tired, not showered, sleepy, and very looking towards nothing.
Oh well... if only life is really just having a bud and watching the game.
I want to write music again.
Monday, May 17, 2010
YESTERDAY
My favorite pass-time seems to be chasing sorrow of late, making sure that musings of success turning into catastrophic epics stay fresh like blood oozing out the wounds. I recently completed the guide assembly of a song that someone else wrote for a film, and turns out, the song zipped stronger in my head than any other. As much as I thought the song was beautifully written, it didn't quite catch on with the masses. Proven. Destiny rules stronger than efforts, sacrifices, faith, and prayers.
So there. I've thrown in the towel, yet many things continue to creep up and seemingly breathes hope that just doesn't make anything better. It made me continue to believe, yet strangely, nothing is moving towards the final drive. If I was driving, the car must have crashed at just about every turn, even brushing with sparks on a straight road beside another.
How can I move on when there is really nothing left to believe in?
I used to say, that when you've nothing, everything else is to gain. True that. So do I really need to lose myself even, just to make it worthy and capable? Because, that's what is really getting close to being. Losing myself.
I've got some neat pictures that I've been wanting to upload. So here's one, that I really thought made sense.
So there. I've thrown in the towel, yet many things continue to creep up and seemingly breathes hope that just doesn't make anything better. It made me continue to believe, yet strangely, nothing is moving towards the final drive. If I was driving, the car must have crashed at just about every turn, even brushing with sparks on a straight road beside another.
How can I move on when there is really nothing left to believe in?
I used to say, that when you've nothing, everything else is to gain. True that. So do I really need to lose myself even, just to make it worthy and capable? Because, that's what is really getting close to being. Losing myself.
I've got some neat pictures that I've been wanting to upload. So here's one, that I really thought made sense.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
KEEP
It's hard to imagine what life is like otherwise, when a sense of imagination does not complete the picture as much as living it.
I've come to accept all that's left behind, and it's a pity that attempts can be juiced out into tangible forms of results and scores, as compared to a translation of energies. The more I try, the harder it breaks.
Kenny, if you're reading this, honestly, go for it man.
I've come to accept all that's left behind, and it's a pity that attempts can be juiced out into tangible forms of results and scores, as compared to a translation of energies. The more I try, the harder it breaks.
Kenny, if you're reading this, honestly, go for it man.
Tuesday, May 04, 2010
WHAT THEY SAY
You know what they say about being absolutely intangibly zoned out - the whole body, mind and soul takes a dip into the parallel worlds of heaven, earth, and hell, not knowing actually where to be headed for, and just pauses into a warp. Then, snapping out, the physical body that relies on the existence of a mind, and the mind that holds on to whatever soul is left, returns to the only place it can exist. Zoned out. I've been there a lot lately.
I've recently been pricking my conscience over who I really am, where I am headed for, but incredibly, how to spin a truthful tale. It's humbling how people point out my mistakes in the hope that I improve, but more importantly, humbling even more because I've exhausted all my knowledge in dealing with things, and beginning to learn a whole lot more with help, rather than just plain sailing into the unknown, thinking everything that has come to pass, will repeat, materialise, and eventually take root, seeding the future paces rather than impeding them.
But well, we all learn. I would gladly be anywhere, doing anything, than here pondering about, nothing.
I've recently been pricking my conscience over who I really am, where I am headed for, but incredibly, how to spin a truthful tale. It's humbling how people point out my mistakes in the hope that I improve, but more importantly, humbling even more because I've exhausted all my knowledge in dealing with things, and beginning to learn a whole lot more with help, rather than just plain sailing into the unknown, thinking everything that has come to pass, will repeat, materialise, and eventually take root, seeding the future paces rather than impeding them.
But well, we all learn. I would gladly be anywhere, doing anything, than here pondering about, nothing.
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