I'm so upset by the lack of ability to turn many things around, and it bore down on me like a pile-driver on an egg. It's always about paying, earning, spending, saving. Its so sad that life revolves only around cold hard cash that people lose and blind themselves so thoroughly, only to eat up their own passion and miss all their growing up.
It's tiring to keep up, and the robust facade is slowly cracking up.
My pity is so plush, that I'm beginning to feel rich welling in sadness.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Thursday, March 11, 2010
HADN'T
So much had happened in the last couple days that saw nothing short of drama after drama, episode after episode, a big bunch of stubborn people, ignorant fools, dumb decisions, fake benevolence, and totally incomprehensible storylines.
But after all, this is real life.
I'm very burdened by the constant on-the-moves, and its wearing me out too much to have any more effect. I spoke to unmoving people, and gradually just grew too tired to go on talking. Thankfully, of course, there are spurts of stupidity that cracks up the scenario like some unplanned choreography. Sweet, in the bitterness.
Whatever that has happened so far, I've come to learn some important lessons, that although I know I did, I just cannot remember at the moment.
Anyway, I'm just too tired to do anything else. Gonna retire for now. More tomorrow.
But after all, this is real life.
I'm very burdened by the constant on-the-moves, and its wearing me out too much to have any more effect. I spoke to unmoving people, and gradually just grew too tired to go on talking. Thankfully, of course, there are spurts of stupidity that cracks up the scenario like some unplanned choreography. Sweet, in the bitterness.
Whatever that has happened so far, I've come to learn some important lessons, that although I know I did, I just cannot remember at the moment.
Anyway, I'm just too tired to do anything else. Gonna retire for now. More tomorrow.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
GREEN
I was watching tv, some variety program going on, and Soda Green was getting on with a singing game. Gosh, didn't realise they were gay, and the lead singer's so darn cute I could just fall in love.
Been missing a lot of blogs lately. Been busy definitely and way blown-off my line of thoughts on too many occasions to even begin with. Good thing is that the situation has locked down somewhat, but the paranoia sets in just because it feels weird to be having free time.
For the last 2 months, I'm either still at work at this hour, or fast asleep because I was too sick to keep myself up. As for tonight, I don't know. Seems like an easy night to just... you know... blog.
Finally got done with the show. Exhausted from like a hundred rehearsals and over the show itself, massive responses from the people who showed up, complete with fan cue cards that read "Nightsound we love you" and "Forever we remember you!" LOL. Those were the highlights, awfully cute and heartening.
Then that's it. The end. All done and packed to go back to where we all came from. I would have loved to just keep hitting the roads with the band, keep making music, keep enjoying music, keep listening to other music, keep exploring music, keep loving music. Perhaps, not this lifetime. Maybe some day we be back in the limelight.
Listening to Alicia's New York, made me wonder if I could be traveling somewhere too. Go places, see places, enjoy, find some inspirations somewhere. Then a friend in Taiwan wrote, said the weather's been freaky cold. All I ever got here was the sun. Hot, humid weather that gets an occasional dose of showers. And here I am admiring the cold in Taiwan. I still remember this old Japanese couple who came over to Singapore to do some research with premium access to the Studio Gibli Museum. I want to go there to. See Totoro and maybe catch the Cat-bus.
I can't believe I've stayed here all these while for all the wrong reasons. It's stifling but I can't seem to find a good reason enough to excuse myself from this place. For the folks, the family, for like everybody else except myself. I want to get somewhere. And I hope soon. I'm getting depressed just being here.
Laments laments. That's what you're here for bloggy! LOL.
Hmm... can I blame some people for a change? Can I blame my folks for letting everyone else do what they want, let them fail, then got me into a tight spot to achieve big cos everyone didn't live up to their expectations?
Can I blame my teacher for calling me a bad egg cos I didn't read that magazine my friend just threw over to me? And I felt like shit for many more years after that that I did no wrong, but felt like as if I did? And I kept feeling like I'll always screw up somehow?
Can I blame my friend who misplaced my best friend's note book, and my best friend thought I hid it so that he couldn't study for the test? And made him angry with me for days, before we found it under someone else's desk? That made me feel like I got shot in the war-zone by friendly fire?
Can I blame my colleague in the army who let go of his side of the load, and nearly cracked my spine? Had me in pain for years after, with no respite? No cure? Just a really bad ache and sprain that won't go over? That I could freeze in bed sometimes at night, and just go numb for hours?
Can I blame the people who made use of me to get what they want? Made me write music for their selfish reasons, went on their way thereafter and forgot about me? I ain't asking for credits, I want to keep working together?
Can I blame my ex-manager who never gave me a chance to stay in the company, just because the boss hired me and she didn't? That she got angry just because her authority was side-stepped by the boss? Her boss? And she wanted me out that bad that made me thought I was a bad worker? Unworthy for the company?
I would love to go see New York some day. But before that, Taiwan's night markets will be fun, and Japan's cityscape must be a sight to behold. Oh, perhaps Australia might have something's nice, like an old friend and her home? LOL. Heard plenty about Thailand, South Korea, Cambodia, and even Vietnam too, and where was I all these time?
Fucking life. Do I need to wait till I'm 50 years on, made a tidy sum of savings just to spend it all over the world in frail health and diminished mental state? I love looking at pictures, especially those of my younger friends who traveled tons. Almost seem like I was there, and that affinity gets closer cos I know them. Oh gosh. This life is pre-destined. And mine's really badly programmed with mediocre to rotten luck and opportunities. Imagine getting hired, and 4 months later told to take over the manager's position just cos the boss couldn't stand having a manager that sells more products than him?
Kudos to Soda Green for taking their step forward. Love the music.
And thanks Alicia, for keeping me coming tonight =)
Been missing a lot of blogs lately. Been busy definitely and way blown-off my line of thoughts on too many occasions to even begin with. Good thing is that the situation has locked down somewhat, but the paranoia sets in just because it feels weird to be having free time.
For the last 2 months, I'm either still at work at this hour, or fast asleep because I was too sick to keep myself up. As for tonight, I don't know. Seems like an easy night to just... you know... blog.
Finally got done with the show. Exhausted from like a hundred rehearsals and over the show itself, massive responses from the people who showed up, complete with fan cue cards that read "Nightsound we love you" and "Forever we remember you!" LOL. Those were the highlights, awfully cute and heartening.
Then that's it. The end. All done and packed to go back to where we all came from. I would have loved to just keep hitting the roads with the band, keep making music, keep enjoying music, keep listening to other music, keep exploring music, keep loving music. Perhaps, not this lifetime. Maybe some day we be back in the limelight.
Listening to Alicia's New York, made me wonder if I could be traveling somewhere too. Go places, see places, enjoy, find some inspirations somewhere. Then a friend in Taiwan wrote, said the weather's been freaky cold. All I ever got here was the sun. Hot, humid weather that gets an occasional dose of showers. And here I am admiring the cold in Taiwan. I still remember this old Japanese couple who came over to Singapore to do some research with premium access to the Studio Gibli Museum. I want to go there to. See Totoro and maybe catch the Cat-bus.
I can't believe I've stayed here all these while for all the wrong reasons. It's stifling but I can't seem to find a good reason enough to excuse myself from this place. For the folks, the family, for like everybody else except myself. I want to get somewhere. And I hope soon. I'm getting depressed just being here.
Laments laments. That's what you're here for bloggy! LOL.
Hmm... can I blame some people for a change? Can I blame my folks for letting everyone else do what they want, let them fail, then got me into a tight spot to achieve big cos everyone didn't live up to their expectations?
Can I blame my teacher for calling me a bad egg cos I didn't read that magazine my friend just threw over to me? And I felt like shit for many more years after that that I did no wrong, but felt like as if I did? And I kept feeling like I'll always screw up somehow?
Can I blame my friend who misplaced my best friend's note book, and my best friend thought I hid it so that he couldn't study for the test? And made him angry with me for days, before we found it under someone else's desk? That made me feel like I got shot in the war-zone by friendly fire?
Can I blame my colleague in the army who let go of his side of the load, and nearly cracked my spine? Had me in pain for years after, with no respite? No cure? Just a really bad ache and sprain that won't go over? That I could freeze in bed sometimes at night, and just go numb for hours?
Can I blame the people who made use of me to get what they want? Made me write music for their selfish reasons, went on their way thereafter and forgot about me? I ain't asking for credits, I want to keep working together?
Can I blame my ex-manager who never gave me a chance to stay in the company, just because the boss hired me and she didn't? That she got angry just because her authority was side-stepped by the boss? Her boss? And she wanted me out that bad that made me thought I was a bad worker? Unworthy for the company?
I would love to go see New York some day. But before that, Taiwan's night markets will be fun, and Japan's cityscape must be a sight to behold. Oh, perhaps Australia might have something's nice, like an old friend and her home? LOL. Heard plenty about Thailand, South Korea, Cambodia, and even Vietnam too, and where was I all these time?
Fucking life. Do I need to wait till I'm 50 years on, made a tidy sum of savings just to spend it all over the world in frail health and diminished mental state? I love looking at pictures, especially those of my younger friends who traveled tons. Almost seem like I was there, and that affinity gets closer cos I know them. Oh gosh. This life is pre-destined. And mine's really badly programmed with mediocre to rotten luck and opportunities. Imagine getting hired, and 4 months later told to take over the manager's position just cos the boss couldn't stand having a manager that sells more products than him?
Kudos to Soda Green for taking their step forward. Love the music.
And thanks Alicia, for keeping me coming tonight =)
Monday, February 08, 2010
Wednesday, February 03, 2010
Tuesday, February 02, 2010
HiNGE
Of all the times when everyone wants everybody else to attend their whatever and whatever, they don't even attend others' whatever and whatever, yet the expectation goes on to pretend it subsists like a rusty hinge that can continue to hold the door up and not get broken. Whatever.
So the show has a very big plus point now: everyone who's coming are genuinely coming. Woohoo~!
So the show has a very big plus point now: everyone who's coming are genuinely coming. Woohoo~!
Friday, January 29, 2010
NEW
I didn't quite know what to put as a header, so I just thought I'd pen it as it is. A new post. LOL.
It's been a very very grueling month so far. With the incorporation of the company, I'm drowned in work and administration almost with no end. Good thing is, there is finally something to look forward to, since I can finally work in a team rather than go solo. So many things have happened, but nothing feels a light as it is right now. Perhaps I've grown a little older, learned a little more, and seen a little wider, heard a little deeper.
I'm trying to get Project X finished. Regis had tried his best to make the deadline past Friday, so I have till Monday morning instead to hand in my work. He's a sweet little guy, just quite blur and lost in his own world. Greenhorn maybe, but well, I'm not complaining as long as my things get done.
Exciting time come tonight - I'm finally gonna catch one of my favorite singers in a brand new showcase. Got the most expensive tickets at $168 a pop... burnt a really big hole in the pocket... just hope its all worth it.
As time wears on, I've also began to realize how much I've neglected some very precious people. Rest assured, I'm trying desperately to keep my temper in check and not just flare out over my own frustrations. It's quite simple to put things where they are once I figure out what they are in the first place, so I'm taking it with ease instead of haste right now.
Maybe they were right. Patience grow as you grow. Of course, that's subjected to the right kind of cultivation and not sowing seeds of pain for myself in the end.
Been on steroids and antibiotics for a few days already, after getting infected with a terrible unending cough from K. Recovering well, but I fear for next week's show - if I ain't got a voice, there ain't gonna be no singing. That be a major major bummer, considering it's gonna be a closing act of sorts. Keeping my fingers crossed on this one.
I'm beat. The steroid's making me floaty, but the cough syrup's making me drowsy. When two opposing sides collide, it just ends up as one big mash of blob - as like me right now. Anyway, gotta catch some winks. Later y'all cyberspace.
It's been a very very grueling month so far. With the incorporation of the company, I'm drowned in work and administration almost with no end. Good thing is, there is finally something to look forward to, since I can finally work in a team rather than go solo. So many things have happened, but nothing feels a light as it is right now. Perhaps I've grown a little older, learned a little more, and seen a little wider, heard a little deeper.
I'm trying to get Project X finished. Regis had tried his best to make the deadline past Friday, so I have till Monday morning instead to hand in my work. He's a sweet little guy, just quite blur and lost in his own world. Greenhorn maybe, but well, I'm not complaining as long as my things get done.
Exciting time come tonight - I'm finally gonna catch one of my favorite singers in a brand new showcase. Got the most expensive tickets at $168 a pop... burnt a really big hole in the pocket... just hope its all worth it.
As time wears on, I've also began to realize how much I've neglected some very precious people. Rest assured, I'm trying desperately to keep my temper in check and not just flare out over my own frustrations. It's quite simple to put things where they are once I figure out what they are in the first place, so I'm taking it with ease instead of haste right now.
Maybe they were right. Patience grow as you grow. Of course, that's subjected to the right kind of cultivation and not sowing seeds of pain for myself in the end.
Been on steroids and antibiotics for a few days already, after getting infected with a terrible unending cough from K. Recovering well, but I fear for next week's show - if I ain't got a voice, there ain't gonna be no singing. That be a major major bummer, considering it's gonna be a closing act of sorts. Keeping my fingers crossed on this one.
I'm beat. The steroid's making me floaty, but the cough syrup's making me drowsy. When two opposing sides collide, it just ends up as one big mash of blob - as like me right now. Anyway, gotta catch some winks. Later y'all cyberspace.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Sunday, January 10, 2010
RE-WORK
I'm scrambling to get some things done all of a sudden... OH, HAPPY 2010! WOOHOO~!
While I'm about to close the company's accounts, and setting up the 2010 one, and in the midst of finishing up production on Kenny's film, "3 Days Grace", I'm struggling to complete the ever elusive show details in February. Re-arranging songs over a span of 8 weeks isn't my strongest point yet. Granted, we are progressing somewhat in the likeness of decent, parts still feel flaky and out of control. I have to admit I'm excited as much as irritated by the amount of things to be done, and certainly, the show is something I'm plunging a lot of efforts into.
Then again, who really cares?
I'm leaving the hair long for now till I decide what to do with it next. And while that is growing, I'm getting tangled messes just about every other day with hair wax and spray, just to keep them in place. But the weather's been a little strong, and the winds are really not keeping them in check. Time is something I badly need, yet, I can't wait for time to pass.
Made many new friends at the shoot, and people are adding me here and there on FB. Strangely though, gaming on FB is seriously a big thing, and adding friends means getting more credits or power-ups! LOL. I Like!
Whatver...SLEEP TIME!
While I'm about to close the company's accounts, and setting up the 2010 one, and in the midst of finishing up production on Kenny's film, "3 Days Grace", I'm struggling to complete the ever elusive show details in February. Re-arranging songs over a span of 8 weeks isn't my strongest point yet. Granted, we are progressing somewhat in the likeness of decent, parts still feel flaky and out of control. I have to admit I'm excited as much as irritated by the amount of things to be done, and certainly, the show is something I'm plunging a lot of efforts into.
Then again, who really cares?
I'm leaving the hair long for now till I decide what to do with it next. And while that is growing, I'm getting tangled messes just about every other day with hair wax and spray, just to keep them in place. But the weather's been a little strong, and the winds are really not keeping them in check. Time is something I badly need, yet, I can't wait for time to pass.
Made many new friends at the shoot, and people are adding me here and there on FB. Strangely though, gaming on FB is seriously a big thing, and adding friends means getting more credits or power-ups! LOL. I Like!
Whatver...SLEEP TIME!
Thursday, December 31, 2009
GOODBYE 2009
And good riddance for a year filled with angst, frustration, tragedies, and despair! For a freak once, this is one year not worth the remembering. Now that it's just hours away, and prompted by similar 2009 last posts around the world, I'm joining the foray in the thrashing of 2009!
Let's see... Mas Selamat is now very last century. Obama took office. Liverpool's performance was crap. Some people got married, others divorced. Financial crisis toppled a big number of rich people. Swine flu made a come-back. H1N1 made a greater disaster. Earthquake struck, people died. And it struck a couple more times. North Korea remained as is. So did Myanmar. APEC increased trade, climate's still in deep shit. Water rising, countries disappearing. More hit and runs. Murder via decapitation. Afghanistan in limbo, again. Writers went on strike. LDP lost control in Japan.
What a 2009. Isn't there any good news?
The biggest news on "I" - a rapid decline of posts. Reviewing what "I" had been for the last year, tblog was dropped, and postings were far than few. There was an almost exponential drop in the number of photographs posted of the dailies, which also translates to very little visual accompaniment to remember 2009.
Hence, my priority 2010 resolutions are to rectify the short notes above, and make good to re-establish the blog! YEAY!
Whatever it may be, hunt around this page for links to various micro sites that may point out more of me in 2009. A*mei is definitely one of the few fresh things that happened...
Nevertheless, GOODBYE 2009, GOOD RIDDANCE, AND HELLO 2010~!
Let's see... Mas Selamat is now very last century. Obama took office. Liverpool's performance was crap. Some people got married, others divorced. Financial crisis toppled a big number of rich people. Swine flu made a come-back. H1N1 made a greater disaster. Earthquake struck, people died. And it struck a couple more times. North Korea remained as is. So did Myanmar. APEC increased trade, climate's still in deep shit. Water rising, countries disappearing. More hit and runs. Murder via decapitation. Afghanistan in limbo, again. Writers went on strike. LDP lost control in Japan.
What a 2009. Isn't there any good news?
The biggest news on "I" - a rapid decline of posts. Reviewing what "I" had been for the last year, tblog was dropped, and postings were far than few. There was an almost exponential drop in the number of photographs posted of the dailies, which also translates to very little visual accompaniment to remember 2009.
Hence, my priority 2010 resolutions are to rectify the short notes above, and make good to re-establish the blog! YEAY!
Whatever it may be, hunt around this page for links to various micro sites that may point out more of me in 2009. A*mei is definitely one of the few fresh things that happened...
Nevertheless, GOODBYE 2009, GOOD RIDDANCE, AND HELLO 2010~!
Monday, December 28, 2009
POST TOAST
Not too bad a holiday, considering we've toiled for almost a month over the documentary that should have been finished like months before. So we had a small dinner, some coffee, and probably some treasured moments. Long weekend. I ain't complaining.
And now that I have a long report to type, gonna save some typing energy here. Cheerios!
And now that I have a long report to type, gonna save some typing energy here. Cheerios!
Friday, December 25, 2009
Friday, December 11, 2009
AWAKENED THE DRAGON
They say its a good year coming up, and that many things will go my way. I'm quite into this whole predictions thing, so I'm really banking on what it means. Struggles or not, things seem to be looking up in terms of flight, even though the gravity remains a force to be reckoned with. I'm slowly adjusting my sights, both near and far, to better manage expectations that were never there before.
I've practically stopped blogging activities due to an avalanche of work. I know... so what's new right? But point is, it is happy busy for once, and it's getting interesting by the day. What I thought was almost the hardest thing to do is getting done at least, and the momentum is moving swiftly along. So yeah, a change for a long time I suppose.
How's everybody doing? I would really love to catch up, but time is of the essence now. I can't imagine what I would be doing without all these lovely people around me, despite heavy resistance from detractors. Still, looking forward was never this easy.
Just putting a little time-stamp here I guess, for tonight at least! =P
I've practically stopped blogging activities due to an avalanche of work. I know... so what's new right? But point is, it is happy busy for once, and it's getting interesting by the day. What I thought was almost the hardest thing to do is getting done at least, and the momentum is moving swiftly along. So yeah, a change for a long time I suppose.
How's everybody doing? I would really love to catch up, but time is of the essence now. I can't imagine what I would be doing without all these lovely people around me, despite heavy resistance from detractors. Still, looking forward was never this easy.
Just putting a little time-stamp here I guess, for tonight at least! =P
Monday, November 30, 2009
THE HEROiCS
I was contemplating what to do tonight, after like totally maxed myself out on BBQ chicken wings set in front of the telly. Then came in here, fed my games addiction a little, and started chatting online. A week's worth of sweat at the congress and exhibition, plus 3 months of money woes (and still not out of it), I thought it be nice to just laze.
Kinda pointless to keep wondering how many people are swearing at me for not making the payouts on time. Damned. I'm so gonna lose 4 years of reputation basics, not to mention years of reliability. Soon to go in a matter of weeks. OH PLEASE OH PLEASE... PAY ME!!!
Gees... I'm so bored till I'm actually sending emoticons...
Oh well, maybe I've grown tired of blogging. Partially cos of the lack of content, but probably cos I don't want to report to cyberspace like some routine no more. For the fact that nobody really digs this site, and that there's so much to put into English text, its tiring man.
Anyway, my band's playing in Feb 2010. Check out the details on the FB page: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Nightsound/83712656511
Buy tickets early!
Kinda pointless to keep wondering how many people are swearing at me for not making the payouts on time. Damned. I'm so gonna lose 4 years of reputation basics, not to mention years of reliability. Soon to go in a matter of weeks. OH PLEASE OH PLEASE... PAY ME!!!
Gees... I'm so bored till I'm actually sending emoticons...
Oh well, maybe I've grown tired of blogging. Partially cos of the lack of content, but probably cos I don't want to report to cyberspace like some routine no more. For the fact that nobody really digs this site, and that there's so much to put into English text, its tiring man.
Anyway, my band's playing in Feb 2010. Check out the details on the FB page: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Nightsound/83712656511
Buy tickets early!
Monday, November 23, 2009
MAKE A TRAiL
And to think trails and trials are but 2 places off.
I've so vexed by a multitude of issues concerning the next big move - I'm getting many opinions and suggestions, just don't have the time to weigh the options. Then again, for the first time, my discouraged soul was immediately pushed to the front and shone a guilty light on for a change.
I WANT MONEY!
I've so vexed by a multitude of issues concerning the next big move - I'm getting many opinions and suggestions, just don't have the time to weigh the options. Then again, for the first time, my discouraged soul was immediately pushed to the front and shone a guilty light on for a change.
I WANT MONEY!
Thursday, November 19, 2009
SLEEP
I finally got some time off from work tonight, came home early, chilling out, then someone's gotta call me up and piss me off. I don't get it. Not like my mind needs anymore things to think about, but seriously, I just don't wanna be taken for a ride.
Can't people just tell how jealous, envious, uninterested others are when they get the vibe? Or is the vibe not apparent enough that it has to be all said?
OMFG. This is getting damned stupid. Regret tying up loose ends.
Gonna take a freaking long shower till I melt or something.
----------+----------
And so I did. A really long, warm shower to beat the cold and to soothe the skin.
I'm peeling like crazy...
Can't people just tell how jealous, envious, uninterested others are when they get the vibe? Or is the vibe not apparent enough that it has to be all said?
OMFG. This is getting damned stupid. Regret tying up loose ends.
Gonna take a freaking long shower till I melt or something.
And so I did. A really long, warm shower to beat the cold and to soothe the skin.
I'm peeling like crazy...
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
BUZZED
Was trying desperately to do many things at a go, to the point I don't really know what I'm doing. Apologies for the lack of updates, but this month is totally crazy. Penniless, and fighting to survive.
Wish me luck.
Wish me luck.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
PROUD
Let's see... something I've done recently that I'm proud of... nothing.
I've been so tied up trying to figure out what went wrong, I don't even know why I'm even still at it when I can't even figure out why I'm figuring it out.
The most haunting thing is certainly the rubbish that has piled up from all the backlogs. Plus, with people not paying up, I'm just about to think it's game over.
Well, technically, it IS game over.
Now, maybe there is someplace I wanna be.
I've been so tied up trying to figure out what went wrong, I don't even know why I'm even still at it when I can't even figure out why I'm figuring it out.
The most haunting thing is certainly the rubbish that has piled up from all the backlogs. Plus, with people not paying up, I'm just about to think it's game over.
Well, technically, it IS game over.
Now, maybe there is someplace I wanna be.
Tuesday, November 03, 2009
CRUSHiNG
You are crushing.
Just as the world is promised, the world is un-promised. I cannot comprehend how people can say one thing and do another altogether. Is that right? Is that even the proper way of working something out at all?
It feels really bad when someone agrees to something to me, or assures me of something, and the next moment, it's completely different. Do you ever get that? While I try to deliver my words, people default without even needing to try.
Crushing.
If the feeling is akin to having the end of a shoelace stuck in between the foot and the shoe itself, I guess it'll be easier to bear.
Crushing.
To think I actually bore such occurrences, I must be really dying to be noticed, loved, or even asked about. It's almost like I'm in a state of attention-deficit or something. Oh well, perhaps it is time after all to cut some people out of my life for good, instead of hoping that they'll come around.
Gosh, I'm actually hungry, running in between this blog and the studio, dumping out music for an artiste. I can't hide my excitement, but things of late isn't looking too bright, so that sort of leveled things back to neutrality.
Since I last realised how few people I actually can call in an instant, I've been trying hard to keep a look out for luck-mates. Like they say, birds of a feather flock together, and it gets irritating doing things all by yourself after a long long while. And as the search goes on relentlessly, I also discovered how people tend to just sweep me aside for the fact that I'm useless lest I've something to offer.
Pragmatic in a way I suppose, but hey, I probably did the same to some people anyway. Pots and kettles will eventually get black.
Mounting bills, discolored interests, increasing stress... OMG. Given a million dollars, I might just head to the doctor for a check-up first, and make sure I know what's wrong with me for certain.
I've been lying to myself for the longest time that there is no medication for my condition. Point is, I can't afford it. So yeah, let's live and let live, see where I end up eventually. I do wish at times that life is a real flash, yet on other days, I hate the fact that I'll fall before the average census death age. Sucky, but while, too many should haves and what ifs to count to put things back into perspective isn't it?
Who's really reading this I wonder? Besides this little girl I take as a little sister that's been snooping around for info! LOL.
Jolly well, I should think I need to get some rest soon.
Just as the world is promised, the world is un-promised. I cannot comprehend how people can say one thing and do another altogether. Is that right? Is that even the proper way of working something out at all?
It feels really bad when someone agrees to something to me, or assures me of something, and the next moment, it's completely different. Do you ever get that? While I try to deliver my words, people default without even needing to try.
Crushing.
If the feeling is akin to having the end of a shoelace stuck in between the foot and the shoe itself, I guess it'll be easier to bear.
Crushing.
To think I actually bore such occurrences, I must be really dying to be noticed, loved, or even asked about. It's almost like I'm in a state of attention-deficit or something. Oh well, perhaps it is time after all to cut some people out of my life for good, instead of hoping that they'll come around.
Gosh, I'm actually hungry, running in between this blog and the studio, dumping out music for an artiste. I can't hide my excitement, but things of late isn't looking too bright, so that sort of leveled things back to neutrality.
Since I last realised how few people I actually can call in an instant, I've been trying hard to keep a look out for luck-mates. Like they say, birds of a feather flock together, and it gets irritating doing things all by yourself after a long long while. And as the search goes on relentlessly, I also discovered how people tend to just sweep me aside for the fact that I'm useless lest I've something to offer.
Pragmatic in a way I suppose, but hey, I probably did the same to some people anyway. Pots and kettles will eventually get black.
Mounting bills, discolored interests, increasing stress... OMG. Given a million dollars, I might just head to the doctor for a check-up first, and make sure I know what's wrong with me for certain.
I've been lying to myself for the longest time that there is no medication for my condition. Point is, I can't afford it. So yeah, let's live and let live, see where I end up eventually. I do wish at times that life is a real flash, yet on other days, I hate the fact that I'll fall before the average census death age. Sucky, but while, too many should haves and what ifs to count to put things back into perspective isn't it?
Who's really reading this I wonder? Besides this little girl I take as a little sister that's been snooping around for info! LOL.
Jolly well, I should think I need to get some rest soon.
Monday, November 02, 2009
LEARNT
I think I have to learn to be an employee in my own company. It's not working out, that I was actually working on Halloween, when I should just round up the cause and head out for a party!
It didn't happen of course. Not much to my liking.
Yes, I shall learn how to finish my work and call it a day. That way, I can be more productive than procrastinating.
I've been playing a word game online for the longest time, and guess what, I can actually feel my way around the keyboard, no longer needing to look at it as I type. That's gotta say that I'm spending too much time on the game isn't it?
----------+----------
I made one of my life's most disheartening decisions today. I told someone off, and decided enough is enough. Yes, indeed, enough is enough. I've been too nice to people all the time, to the point I can forgive people who do the same things all over, never learning their lessons, never learning from their mistakes. So I decided for sure, I cannot forgive anymore, for if there is one person I cannot forgive still, it's myself for being nice to others when they deserved nothing more than their responsibilities, and I, baring the brunt of their mistakes.
Then again, what is a mistake? To err is to be human. But yet, it feels like I'm used and only usable when needed. That's not what I am? I am someone. But it seems taking me for granted is easy, when I come forth so willingly and sincerely, its so easy to forget that I am human too.
Oh, salute those who've braved the weather with a cardboard over their heads. If God made a money-back guarantee on life... can I have my money back?
It didn't happen of course. Not much to my liking.
Yes, I shall learn how to finish my work and call it a day. That way, I can be more productive than procrastinating.
I've been playing a word game online for the longest time, and guess what, I can actually feel my way around the keyboard, no longer needing to look at it as I type. That's gotta say that I'm spending too much time on the game isn't it?
I made one of my life's most disheartening decisions today. I told someone off, and decided enough is enough. Yes, indeed, enough is enough. I've been too nice to people all the time, to the point I can forgive people who do the same things all over, never learning their lessons, never learning from their mistakes. So I decided for sure, I cannot forgive anymore, for if there is one person I cannot forgive still, it's myself for being nice to others when they deserved nothing more than their responsibilities, and I, baring the brunt of their mistakes.
Then again, what is a mistake? To err is to be human. But yet, it feels like I'm used and only usable when needed. That's not what I am? I am someone. But it seems taking me for granted is easy, when I come forth so willingly and sincerely, its so easy to forget that I am human too.
Oh, salute those who've braved the weather with a cardboard over their heads. If God made a money-back guarantee on life... can I have my money back?
Thursday, October 29, 2009
TWO HUNDRED
Now that I think back about how 300 men inspired an entire nation to rise up against their adversaries, I begin to think how I might be inspired to use the last 200 bucks in my coffers, to rise against this unbearable tide of failure.
And while the 300 men died heroically, will I, too, die trying, die a pauper?
And while the 300 men died heroically, will I, too, die trying, die a pauper?
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
SHOULD HAVES
I'm beginning to believe strongly that I should have done more bad things in this lifetime. Like spend more money, rip more people off, sleep and fuck around some more, drink even more, party more more, hang out way more, enjoy the materials things all the more.
My life is mundane. It has become loaded with responsibilities, kind heartedness, and worse, living with obligations based on an unwarranted guilt inculcated by the needs of others, and not my own. I feel I must do something to make others happy, so that I can be happy. I was wrong. I am still wrong.
I can't sleep well at night knowing I might have not done something for someone, or have been unable to assist someone, or even said something nice to someone. I've tried talking mean to my love ones when they deserved it, and in the end, I hurt myself more by forgiving them more than they really need to be. For all that I've forgiven, I cannot forget how mean they were, yet, unable to reconcile the fact that I love them all so much and cannot bear to not be nice.
This is a shit life. My life's a shit life. Really. The issues start when you're nice, and people begin to climb all over and take advantage of you being nice. I'm so used, and still, I'm nowhere.
I'm poor, I'm in debt, and I'm still trying to make ends meet. Worst part: I'm still trying to make people happy. Why? I do not know.
As of many other nights, tonight I feel helpless. I need some pointers, some advice, but I have no one to ask. It always feel like I'm alone whenever I have important things to decide, and there isn't anyone qualified around me to answer them, or even give their two cents worth. Its almost as if I live alone on an island, watching the world move on while I'm still stuck in isolation.
And even if I tried getting more heads together in an attempt to brainstorm what one million others before us might have already thought and attempted, everyone's busy, caught up, or simply not in the mood. And that leaves me fighting my lone war to benefit those who depend on me, while they continue on with their lives, oblivious to the struggles of the hand that feeds.
Well, laments aside, I want myself to know at least, that I'm in no perfect health. And since I'm gonna die soon anyway, I begin to ask why I might be responsible for everyone else's living when my own is shorter than the average.
There's this boy on my FB who has had multitude of illnesses, accidents, and bad relations. Yet, born with a silver spoon, he sprouts his cause for the GLBT community, but totally detached from others' woes. When he posts videos of bullying, accidental deaths, or even gorish content in real life, he could so simply laugh about it and take it like God's wicked joke on human life. And he is all glee when people bolsters his ideals, thoughts, or simply "words of wisdom", which in my opinion, are laden with half-truths and immaturity, and are hardly wise until you look it up in your own head.
Here's the difference: he is rich, not too bad looking, and best of all, assy. That makes him cool, attractive, and completely independent (based on his dependence on the wealth already bestowed upon him). And he goes around completely uninterested in his studies, cos he really don't need to, unconvinced with others' sincerity, cos he believes the world is dead just because he is ill, and critically believes the world owes him, and he has no responsibilities whatsoever to anyone else.
And the situation is as such: he has everything. And he can afford anything. And beat this: he don't care if you're alive, or dead. He is unafraid, and he is totally unconcerned what happens to you. Now hear this, he is very popular, and he has an army of wise sayings anytime you speak to him.
I really don't know how he ended up on my friends list, but he is like the epitome of good and evil. He opened my eyes to how someone can be so brave against everything and everyone else, yet, be worshiped like a demi-god with his words.
I'm appalled, and very dumbfounded. I'm disgusted, yet envious at the same time. I reflect my life as a mirror to his, and I see my own side as a broken, shattered imagery, while his is a gleaming shot of the perfection I so yearn.
SIGH.
I'm already quite close to a melt-down, my motivation is in the Fahrenheit, but unmeasurable in the Celsius. This is shit.
My life is mundane. It has become loaded with responsibilities, kind heartedness, and worse, living with obligations based on an unwarranted guilt inculcated by the needs of others, and not my own. I feel I must do something to make others happy, so that I can be happy. I was wrong. I am still wrong.
I can't sleep well at night knowing I might have not done something for someone, or have been unable to assist someone, or even said something nice to someone. I've tried talking mean to my love ones when they deserved it, and in the end, I hurt myself more by forgiving them more than they really need to be. For all that I've forgiven, I cannot forget how mean they were, yet, unable to reconcile the fact that I love them all so much and cannot bear to not be nice.
This is a shit life. My life's a shit life. Really. The issues start when you're nice, and people begin to climb all over and take advantage of you being nice. I'm so used, and still, I'm nowhere.
I'm poor, I'm in debt, and I'm still trying to make ends meet. Worst part: I'm still trying to make people happy. Why? I do not know.
As of many other nights, tonight I feel helpless. I need some pointers, some advice, but I have no one to ask. It always feel like I'm alone whenever I have important things to decide, and there isn't anyone qualified around me to answer them, or even give their two cents worth. Its almost as if I live alone on an island, watching the world move on while I'm still stuck in isolation.
And even if I tried getting more heads together in an attempt to brainstorm what one million others before us might have already thought and attempted, everyone's busy, caught up, or simply not in the mood. And that leaves me fighting my lone war to benefit those who depend on me, while they continue on with their lives, oblivious to the struggles of the hand that feeds.
Well, laments aside, I want myself to know at least, that I'm in no perfect health. And since I'm gonna die soon anyway, I begin to ask why I might be responsible for everyone else's living when my own is shorter than the average.
There's this boy on my FB who has had multitude of illnesses, accidents, and bad relations. Yet, born with a silver spoon, he sprouts his cause for the GLBT community, but totally detached from others' woes. When he posts videos of bullying, accidental deaths, or even gorish content in real life, he could so simply laugh about it and take it like God's wicked joke on human life. And he is all glee when people bolsters his ideals, thoughts, or simply "words of wisdom", which in my opinion, are laden with half-truths and immaturity, and are hardly wise until you look it up in your own head.
Here's the difference: he is rich, not too bad looking, and best of all, assy. That makes him cool, attractive, and completely independent (based on his dependence on the wealth already bestowed upon him). And he goes around completely uninterested in his studies, cos he really don't need to, unconvinced with others' sincerity, cos he believes the world is dead just because he is ill, and critically believes the world owes him, and he has no responsibilities whatsoever to anyone else.
And the situation is as such: he has everything. And he can afford anything. And beat this: he don't care if you're alive, or dead. He is unafraid, and he is totally unconcerned what happens to you. Now hear this, he is very popular, and he has an army of wise sayings anytime you speak to him.
I really don't know how he ended up on my friends list, but he is like the epitome of good and evil. He opened my eyes to how someone can be so brave against everything and everyone else, yet, be worshiped like a demi-god with his words.
I'm appalled, and very dumbfounded. I'm disgusted, yet envious at the same time. I reflect my life as a mirror to his, and I see my own side as a broken, shattered imagery, while his is a gleaming shot of the perfection I so yearn.
SIGH.
I'm already quite close to a melt-down, my motivation is in the Fahrenheit, but unmeasurable in the Celsius. This is shit.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
KRUNCH
I've been so slow with my blogging lately, that I think I should stop all the same! LOL. Nobody responses and hardly anyone sweeps by here. Oh well, what the heck.
I'm sick, heaty from too much BBQ chicken wings. Yeah, some people already reprimanded me over that, but shucks, how can anyone resist sitting in front of the TV, just gnawing away at the wings with a easy chili dip?!
And the worst part about feeling sick is that you know exactly what's wrong, and you're not putting a 101% effort to recover sooner. So there I go, still on cold drinks and fried food, even though they are in limited portions...
The biggest news to report on this October morning thus far, is that I'm about to owe people money, because a lot of others are owing me. Dammit. Bitches in the business world. I wonder what it will take for them to fall flat and stop cheating on others.
Anyway, I'm home early for a change, after a few days of round the clock work - see! working so hard although I'm so sick! that's gotta count for something - so I suppose resting early is priority now.
Cheerios cyberspace.
I'm sick, heaty from too much BBQ chicken wings. Yeah, some people already reprimanded me over that, but shucks, how can anyone resist sitting in front of the TV, just gnawing away at the wings with a easy chili dip?!
And the worst part about feeling sick is that you know exactly what's wrong, and you're not putting a 101% effort to recover sooner. So there I go, still on cold drinks and fried food, even though they are in limited portions...
The biggest news to report on this October morning thus far, is that I'm about to owe people money, because a lot of others are owing me. Dammit. Bitches in the business world. I wonder what it will take for them to fall flat and stop cheating on others.
Anyway, I'm home early for a change, after a few days of round the clock work - see! working so hard although I'm so sick! that's gotta count for something - so I suppose resting early is priority now.
Cheerios cyberspace.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
STAR STRUCK
I was appalled to see a link to Razor TV's renewed interview with Ris Low, the fallen Queen convicted of fraud and put on probation. If it wasn't enough of an episode from the start, Razor picked up from where they left off last: what happens now.
A myriad of questions were asked, seemingly directed to give Ris a chance to clarify and offer explanations to her incidences within the public eye. When it started off with questioning her capabilities, it was painful to watch a teenage girl admitting to her faults and mental conditions at such close-up personal levels.
Hundreds of comments that were divided with unease over if she was honest, or dishonest with her new revelations were astounding. Public opinions were either favorably empathic, or ridiculously doubtful, with barely a handful that showed even a small hint of neutrality.
Bashing her or patting her on the back was the order of the day.
However, upon closer scrutiny of the videos, the edit was favoring sensational news reporting, intended to incite emotional responses that have seamlessly led to the successful creation of the clips in the first place.
I was empathic towards the harshness of the media spotlight which she has suffered - likewise, I was conned into even completing the entire set of clips.
Evidently, not only was Ris led to answering questions with "sensational" answers that she was clueless about, the various edits made by the producers at Razor tightened the dramatics of the interview overall. What can be said, thus, is that the public had been led, and continues to be led into emotional opinions that in turn, creates a new wave of success for Razor TV.
Given our current state of immaturity towards the future - in various aspects of our everyday lives that is - the media continues to paint the town red for the sake of material gains, downright diminishing careful, mature, and even thoughtful assessments of events.
As our media continues to shape the future, I fear one day, we may all be thrown into the absurdity of bullish, even nonsensical answers, to the simplest question: who are you?
On hindsight, although Ris was given a chance to speak at her pace and air her thoughts, she was led by the nose to provide tacky answers enough to, in turn, lead the viewers by their noses to believe whatever Razor wants them to believe.
Who's the real loser now? The viewers.
A myriad of questions were asked, seemingly directed to give Ris a chance to clarify and offer explanations to her incidences within the public eye. When it started off with questioning her capabilities, it was painful to watch a teenage girl admitting to her faults and mental conditions at such close-up personal levels.
Hundreds of comments that were divided with unease over if she was honest, or dishonest with her new revelations were astounding. Public opinions were either favorably empathic, or ridiculously doubtful, with barely a handful that showed even a small hint of neutrality.
Bashing her or patting her on the back was the order of the day.
However, upon closer scrutiny of the videos, the edit was favoring sensational news reporting, intended to incite emotional responses that have seamlessly led to the successful creation of the clips in the first place.
I was empathic towards the harshness of the media spotlight which she has suffered - likewise, I was conned into even completing the entire set of clips.
Evidently, not only was Ris led to answering questions with "sensational" answers that she was clueless about, the various edits made by the producers at Razor tightened the dramatics of the interview overall. What can be said, thus, is that the public had been led, and continues to be led into emotional opinions that in turn, creates a new wave of success for Razor TV.
Given our current state of immaturity towards the future - in various aspects of our everyday lives that is - the media continues to paint the town red for the sake of material gains, downright diminishing careful, mature, and even thoughtful assessments of events.
As our media continues to shape the future, I fear one day, we may all be thrown into the absurdity of bullish, even nonsensical answers, to the simplest question: who are you?
On hindsight, although Ris was given a chance to speak at her pace and air her thoughts, she was led by the nose to provide tacky answers enough to, in turn, lead the viewers by their noses to believe whatever Razor wants them to believe.
Who's the real loser now? The viewers.
Wednesday, October 07, 2009
TRUE iNSPiRATiONS
If we are even before Medieval times, I might actually be a very rich man just sitting around doing nothing and just think. I belong to the wrong fucking era simply. All those thoughts must have been worth a million more than what I am thinking what they have already thought about back then. DAMMIT.
Is there a job where I can just sit and think all day?
Anyway, I got this spark of insanity: if there is anyone willing to switch a life with me for any amount of time, you become me and I become you, leave a message somewhere around the blog where I can see it.
Oh, life's a real bitch when there's nothing left to think and do constructively.
Is there a job where I can just sit and think all day?
Anyway, I got this spark of insanity: if there is anyone willing to switch a life with me for any amount of time, you become me and I become you, leave a message somewhere around the blog where I can see it.
Oh, life's a real bitch when there's nothing left to think and do constructively.
Tuesday, October 06, 2009
WELCOME TO 6TH OCTOBER
I'm alive! LOL. Came home with a massive burp attack, and I thought I was gonna die from you. But well, the chest tightens even as I type, feel like thumping the chests till they burst open just to get the stuck air out.
Yes, Clay, it isn't too hard to find me back here! Ha~ Google me and viola~!
But well, I'm still under the weather both physically and mentally. Having some work to do is pretty nice so far, takes the mind off and pushes the body quite a bit to really tire out. Think I really need to get back on my exercise routines soon before I totally phase that out without cause. Flabs are piling at all the wrong places, and I need to stay in shape for more things to come.
Laments laments. I will break free from this disease.
Yes, Clay, it isn't too hard to find me back here! Ha~ Google me and viola~!
But well, I'm still under the weather both physically and mentally. Having some work to do is pretty nice so far, takes the mind off and pushes the body quite a bit to really tire out. Think I really need to get back on my exercise routines soon before I totally phase that out without cause. Flabs are piling at all the wrong places, and I need to stay in shape for more things to come.
Laments laments. I will break free from this disease.
Monday, October 05, 2009
HOLA
Okay. Now I'm totally depressed. To begin with, nobody ever just looks me up. Secondly, the rejected applications swept me off my feet. Thirdly, I'm hungry and I feel like eating but my tummy's really flabby now. Lastly, I'm really tired.
Now I'm totally depressed like totally beyond totally. Call me a blondie, but I'm depressed.
Now I'm totally depressed like totally beyond totally. Call me a blondie, but I'm depressed.
Sunday, October 04, 2009
WHAT iS
And so nothing is. For someone who has the blessings on at least a successful factor, we are the ones who end up chasing wind and getting nowhere. 6 applications, 4 has already been rejected in under 5 days. Demoralising.
Thursday, October 01, 2009
HOW i GOT HERE
In case anyone wonders, I moved to blogging here cos of tblog's immense lack of functional updates. Even the simple task of posting an entry has become a nightmare after I started on Vista. Error-proned, I just kind of abandoned the thing altogether. But... I did leave behind my favorite song! LOL.
Much has happened, and nothing much has happened since I last made an entry. Aside from the astronomical pace of changes to the things and people around me, it's really quite hard to retell events that are insignificantly significant. How should I say? Redundance amidst chaos.
Too many arguments, too many processes, just simply too many things to laze over.
Geez... I really don't have the vibe to retell the past week.
Much has happened, and nothing much has happened since I last made an entry. Aside from the astronomical pace of changes to the things and people around me, it's really quite hard to retell events that are insignificantly significant. How should I say? Redundance amidst chaos.
Too many arguments, too many processes, just simply too many things to laze over.
Geez... I really don't have the vibe to retell the past week.
Friday, September 25, 2009
HAPPY SMiLES
That was what someone told me, about the thing I make others do most often.
I'm glad - for one, hidden behind a hideously gangster face, I actually managed to score something pleasant and uplifting. I asked someone else if I should at least cosmetically enhance my features for a gentler look, and coincidentally, I was given the inner-beauty praise.
If I were to put money aside, living with a better look could potentially score me better opportunities everywhere. This thought bothered me as much as excited me loads. Then again, would I be able to live with it. So for a change, I thought it would be nice to just sleep early, gain some needed rest for the skin, hoping it would brighten up the horrors of a common face slapped on with a bumpy exterior.
What am I saying... ?!
Yes, looks do influence confidence factors, and acutely gains perceptions on impression indexes. Evilised.
I'm glad - for one, hidden behind a hideously gangster face, I actually managed to score something pleasant and uplifting. I asked someone else if I should at least cosmetically enhance my features for a gentler look, and coincidentally, I was given the inner-beauty praise.
If I were to put money aside, living with a better look could potentially score me better opportunities everywhere. This thought bothered me as much as excited me loads. Then again, would I be able to live with it. So for a change, I thought it would be nice to just sleep early, gain some needed rest for the skin, hoping it would brighten up the horrors of a common face slapped on with a bumpy exterior.
What am I saying... ?!
Yes, looks do influence confidence factors, and acutely gains perceptions on impression indexes. Evilised.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
LONELY AFTER MiDNiGHT
Maybe I've grown to become overly nocturnal and actually getting quite accustomed to the crickets and occasional breeze whistling through the window seams, it actually is quite nice to be up alone after midnight with minimal disturbances and calls. Then it gradually became a habit of staying up for the sake of it.
Now, I can't get into sleep and have nothing much to do in this witching hour. Totally bored, totally lonely.
I tried getting people out for suppers and drinks, but as of last week, I found myself completely out of people to call. Either work the next day, plans the following morning, school, trips, meetings, I can't seem to find anyone to just go chill. And as the numbers dwindled, I found out a truth... I actually have very few friends.
Maybe I'm naive. But I've been trying hard to make new friends, perhaps those who have a perchance for nights, and instead started staring down at younger and younger people. For friends who continue to beep on my IM at this hour, they would love the supper, minus the distance of a few thousand kilometers.
So it is, for the last 3 weeks, I finally ran out of people to whine to. And emptied my phonebooks with no one to complain to, talk to, even just share an emo moment. Damn, I think I'm seriously wasting my life.
And if that is true, I'd rather get high and happy while I'm at it, instead of staring down the net and the world wide web, feeling that sore of a loser.
I should really get my hair done right. For as long as I can remember, a new hairstyle perks me up for at least a day, each time I walk out with what the salon has done, and actually getting kind, endearing, and sometimes envious stares. If there is one thing I hate to do, that is to style my hair, myself. So imagine the yearning for admiration on days like these.
Oh, strangely, the topic of looks came up in some conversations over the last couple days, and it seems there are more people who are oblivious to the fact that not-so-good-looking people like myself, actually wished for a better face. Then the flow of topics across different conversations (considering I'm the median) came to me, not having it easy like many others who are better endowed financially. Then again, I'm not exactly the best businessman material to begin with, and my hardworking antics and ethics aren't exactly in their best forms too...
I'm actually getting quite sleepy from this. LOL
Sorry folks... I gotta edit this one again soon... shutting eyes...
Now, I can't get into sleep and have nothing much to do in this witching hour. Totally bored, totally lonely.
I tried getting people out for suppers and drinks, but as of last week, I found myself completely out of people to call. Either work the next day, plans the following morning, school, trips, meetings, I can't seem to find anyone to just go chill. And as the numbers dwindled, I found out a truth... I actually have very few friends.
Maybe I'm naive. But I've been trying hard to make new friends, perhaps those who have a perchance for nights, and instead started staring down at younger and younger people. For friends who continue to beep on my IM at this hour, they would love the supper, minus the distance of a few thousand kilometers.
So it is, for the last 3 weeks, I finally ran out of people to whine to. And emptied my phonebooks with no one to complain to, talk to, even just share an emo moment. Damn, I think I'm seriously wasting my life.
And if that is true, I'd rather get high and happy while I'm at it, instead of staring down the net and the world wide web, feeling that sore of a loser.
I should really get my hair done right. For as long as I can remember, a new hairstyle perks me up for at least a day, each time I walk out with what the salon has done, and actually getting kind, endearing, and sometimes envious stares. If there is one thing I hate to do, that is to style my hair, myself. So imagine the yearning for admiration on days like these.
Oh, strangely, the topic of looks came up in some conversations over the last couple days, and it seems there are more people who are oblivious to the fact that not-so-good-looking people like myself, actually wished for a better face. Then the flow of topics across different conversations (considering I'm the median) came to me, not having it easy like many others who are better endowed financially. Then again, I'm not exactly the best businessman material to begin with, and my hardworking antics and ethics aren't exactly in their best forms too...
I'm actually getting quite sleepy from this. LOL
Sorry folks... I gotta edit this one again soon... shutting eyes...
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
CONTEST
I thought I should really blog about this... probably one of the most expensive lessons that I've ever had: I took part in an sms contest, where every answer earns you points. Spent about 600 bucks, and earned about 1,000,000 points, that's one million over points. Climbed to the top 3% of contestants.
Guess what?
Someone scored 11,000,000 points and still didn't win. Thus far, the highest score I know: 79,000,000 points. Translate that to cash, that's about two thousand bucks worth at least.
Moral of the story: work hard, stop dreaming.
Guess what?
Someone scored 11,000,000 points and still didn't win. Thus far, the highest score I know: 79,000,000 points. Translate that to cash, that's about two thousand bucks worth at least.
Moral of the story: work hard, stop dreaming.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
iMPOSSiBLE TO REACH
close your eyes, try to sleep
let your heart a place to be
the days that hurt you, reminisce
try to find a reason to believe
all the fears were left to breathe
all is impossible to reach
all these time, it's still a pleasure to hear your voice
taking every step you've been
and all these times, tears me apart from a single piece
leaves me hanging, breaks the scene
the sun sinks beneath the ridge
a lone figure stands in between
a shadow soon oblique
let your heart a place to be
the days that hurt you, reminisce
try to find a reason to believe
all the fears were left to breathe
all is impossible to reach
all these time, it's still a pleasure to hear your voice
taking every step you've been
and all these times, tears me apart from a single piece
leaves me hanging, breaks the scene
the sun sinks beneath the ridge
a lone figure stands in between
a shadow soon oblique
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Sunday, September 13, 2009
FORMS
I was getting quite some sparks of insanity today, wanting to do some things I actually have been putting off for some time. One of them to get another new band going. I like playing in bands, especially with those who don't just whine about taking time to practice or just chilling out, or even complaining about paying for jams.
Not like it costs an arm or a leg.
So, I kinda started hunting around for a band to join, or people to create one! Excites!
Supposed to act in a film later. Wonder how my skills would be from behind the camera to the front again. Would be exciting normally, but I'm just kinda feeling a little too unbothered about it at the moment.
Perhaps I'm truly beginning to enjoy my life.
Not like it costs an arm or a leg.
So, I kinda started hunting around for a band to join, or people to create one! Excites!
Supposed to act in a film later. Wonder how my skills would be from behind the camera to the front again. Would be exciting normally, but I'm just kinda feeling a little too unbothered about it at the moment.
Perhaps I'm truly beginning to enjoy my life.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
09.09.09
Honestly, I didn't know it's the 9th of September today! Top it off with 2009, it's a fabulous 09.09.09! Nice~! And to think I kinda wasted it at the beach getting not a lot of sun after all... oh well =) Happy Kid Me!
Sunday, September 06, 2009
CAST A SHADOW
Things a kinda looking up because I had time to reflect. To top it off, I actually had time to simmer myself, and not just explode. That would have been ugly... very ugly.
So yeah. I'm heard at long last. Even for just a little bit.
So yeah. I'm heard at long last. Even for just a little bit.
Friday, September 04, 2009
THE HANGiNG SKiES
I'm beginning to wonder if some people in my life is bringing me total black luck. Maybe it works better in evil places where black might be the order of the day, challenging the purity of white that represents hope.
I digress.
Another day when the day has yet to break when mom said something that isn't too bright - sleeping in an air controlled room after a shower... might just not wake up in the morning after all. I mean, I know she meant well, but heck, no need to put it so bluntly... it makes the day start in a stutter, making me wonder if such words could possibly turn into curses that eventually do come true.
There are mornings when I wouldn't wake on time, and she would burst through the door, screaming nicknames like "bloody ass" or "useless bum", or anything to that effect. I used to just ignore them, but some time back, I hit back, citing that all these might just have become realities. And although I value my independence, I've pretty much stayed with the folks for as long as I can remember, just to keep an eye on them. How I wish someone else can seriously take over without incidents so that I can at least get my own space for a while. But well, judging from the proximity the rest of them are having, looks like I gotta stick around for a pretty long while more. Pity.
So this morning, it made no difference that she blurted words in brief moments that she wouldn't normally take too seriously. Well, to me now, they make sense, and just so easily bruised me.
Don't get me wrong, I ain't gonna bear a grudge because she might have phrased them better akin to great customer service. But hey, no harm being nice to your own kid more outwardly, and perhaps, more outrightly? She's a great mom, no doubts about that.
I got a new webcam today. I have no need for it really, just hate the built in cam on the laptop that has so much trouble getting me in frame. While shopping around for ink cartridges, I thought heck, might as well just buy one since I do video chat with friends sometimes. Took me a good hour just to get it set up due to the conflicting peripherals - 2 cams on a computer can't quite easily be discerned. But well, it's all up and running now... just wondering who to call to try it out.
Oh I so wish today's gonna be an easy, fun day.
I digress.
Another day when the day has yet to break when mom said something that isn't too bright - sleeping in an air controlled room after a shower... might just not wake up in the morning after all. I mean, I know she meant well, but heck, no need to put it so bluntly... it makes the day start in a stutter, making me wonder if such words could possibly turn into curses that eventually do come true.
There are mornings when I wouldn't wake on time, and she would burst through the door, screaming nicknames like "bloody ass" or "useless bum", or anything to that effect. I used to just ignore them, but some time back, I hit back, citing that all these might just have become realities. And although I value my independence, I've pretty much stayed with the folks for as long as I can remember, just to keep an eye on them. How I wish someone else can seriously take over without incidents so that I can at least get my own space for a while. But well, judging from the proximity the rest of them are having, looks like I gotta stick around for a pretty long while more. Pity.
So this morning, it made no difference that she blurted words in brief moments that she wouldn't normally take too seriously. Well, to me now, they make sense, and just so easily bruised me.
Don't get me wrong, I ain't gonna bear a grudge because she might have phrased them better akin to great customer service. But hey, no harm being nice to your own kid more outwardly, and perhaps, more outrightly? She's a great mom, no doubts about that.
I got a new webcam today. I have no need for it really, just hate the built in cam on the laptop that has so much trouble getting me in frame. While shopping around for ink cartridges, I thought heck, might as well just buy one since I do video chat with friends sometimes. Took me a good hour just to get it set up due to the conflicting peripherals - 2 cams on a computer can't quite easily be discerned. But well, it's all up and running now... just wondering who to call to try it out.
Oh I so wish today's gonna be an easy, fun day.
Thursday, September 03, 2009
掉了
心疼的玫瑰 半夜还开着 找不到匆匆掉落的花蕊
回到现场却已来不及 等待任何回音都不可得
微弱的风筝 冬天裡飘着 回不去手中缠线的那个
没有蓝天 又何必去飞 怎麽适合
黑色笑靥掉了 雪白眼泪掉了 该出现的所有表情瞬间掉了
瞳孔没有颜色 结了冰的长河 回忆是最可怕的敌人
故事情节掉了 主角对白掉了 该属于剧中的对脚戏也掉了
胸口没有快乐 断了翅的白鸽 不枯萎的藉口全掉了
曾经唱过的歌 分享过的笑声 在心中不断拉扯
想念不能承认 偷偷擦去泪痕 冬天过了还是会很冷
回到现场却已来不及 等待任何回音都不可得
微弱的风筝 冬天裡飘着 回不去手中缠线的那个
没有蓝天 又何必去飞 怎麽适合
黑色笑靥掉了 雪白眼泪掉了 该出现的所有表情瞬间掉了
瞳孔没有颜色 结了冰的长河 回忆是最可怕的敌人
故事情节掉了 主角对白掉了 该属于剧中的对脚戏也掉了
胸口没有快乐 断了翅的白鸽 不枯萎的藉口全掉了
曾经唱过的歌 分享过的笑声 在心中不断拉扯
想念不能承认 偷偷擦去泪痕 冬天过了还是会很冷
Wednesday, September 02, 2009
NOWHERE
Strangely, I ran out of places to go. Then I came home, and ran out of places to surf. Then I decided to do something else, and I ran out of things to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to think. I don't feel like doing anything. I don't want to know what time it is. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know how to idle.
It's very frustrating. I'm just plain waiting for something to happen.
I noticed a change lately. With myself. It's like I don't feel sorrow as much, and I don't feel as compassionate. Something's seriously amiss here. And all I can think of is to blog a blog just to find something to do. So sad.
It's very frustrating. I'm just plain waiting for something to happen.
I noticed a change lately. With myself. It's like I don't feel sorrow as much, and I don't feel as compassionate. Something's seriously amiss here. And all I can think of is to blog a blog just to find something to do. So sad.
VOiCE
Its been a good few cool nights. But anymore might drive me up the wall with leaky walls in the office...
I was quite inspired to type in something here... got tired... so yeah.
七月初一雨，落得万人愁
I was quite inspired to type in something here... got tired... so yeah.
七月初一雨，落得万人愁
Tuesday, September 01, 2009
HEART OF GOLD
Oh, heard an interesting story today over lunch. Mom was up in Malaysia visiting her friends, and they got a little cheeky, dropped in on a fortune-teller asking for some lottery advise. The day she left, I kind of asked how I could make my clients pay up. Of course, being her, she suggested praying for some luck.
So while they were at it, she asked the fortune-teller about me. After identify me through my birth date, he spurted, "Oh! This guy! The one with a heart of a Buddha... just waver him a little and he will soften!"
Mom is apparently still quite amused by that, heartened at the same time.
So here I am, kicking myself. Dummy.
So while they were at it, she asked the fortune-teller about me. After identify me through my birth date, he spurted, "Oh! This guy! The one with a heart of a Buddha... just waver him a little and he will soften!"
Mom is apparently still quite amused by that, heartened at the same time.
So here I am, kicking myself. Dummy.
MOMENTS
Not exactly like it matters, but I wanted to blog last night and somewhere lost track of it! There was something I wanted to say, but let's see... as usual, slipped my mind.
Anyway, spent some time helping a young boy get his recording done today. Strangely, I didn't have much of an inkling to assist, but somehow got through the motions. I kinda lost my sincerity in some ways, though I really can't put a finger on what it is. But well, went through it, didn't leave too much an impression, nor did it make none.
Just me for now. A shadow of my former self. Let's see if I can crawl out of it this time.
Anyway, spent some time helping a young boy get his recording done today. Strangely, I didn't have much of an inkling to assist, but somehow got through the motions. I kinda lost my sincerity in some ways, though I really can't put a finger on what it is. But well, went through it, didn't leave too much an impression, nor did it make none.
Just me for now. A shadow of my former self. Let's see if I can crawl out of it this time.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
SiMPLE AFFAiR
It was just that. There were no special words or elaborate set ups, it was just plain simple. It was like a closure of sorts, something that just gets a reminder that there are no certainty, and the uncertainty is repeating itself like dancing globules in a tube.
I'm just surprised there wasn't even a goodbye.
I'm just surprised there wasn't even a goodbye.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
RAiN RAiN RAiN
Its nice that the sky held out to pour at this hour. And its nice to snuggle in bed missing someone with a hot bowl of soup in my hands. And its definitely way cool to be feeling floaty after the soup sitting here typing.
But, the bed looks cosier. Heh.
But, the bed looks cosier. Heh.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
RETURN
So now found out what returning home means. Or maybe I'm speculating. Its about going back to the place we were all born, and other things probably don't quite matter. Questions is, why wasn't I informed?
Perhaps some transitions are easier to bare than others, but to be quietly waiting and not knowing can cut really deep. How silly am I to think that there are others who may share the same dreams and goals, or might just want to give it a shot? Naive? Yeah. Now I feel really dumb.
Much like how the gang broke into its own demise, simply because people don't try. I ever questioned if I was asking for too much, but factually, am I so hard to unconvince? I don't think so, and I certainly don't think I would need to be prompted for being a lesser person, and let alone being selfish. I don't think I am selfish, self-centered or even ignorant.
I was just too devoted to others' well-being, that I forgot, with renewed energies each time I know I can help, that people may just be tired.
Or maybe I'm tried of being tired.
Yeah, I guess being completely unaware that I may be tired and then tiring out, and eventually tiring of tire might not be so bad a thing after all.
Oh passion... if there is a word that describes my disappointment, that be incantly.
Perhaps some transitions are easier to bare than others, but to be quietly waiting and not knowing can cut really deep. How silly am I to think that there are others who may share the same dreams and goals, or might just want to give it a shot? Naive? Yeah. Now I feel really dumb.
Much like how the gang broke into its own demise, simply because people don't try. I ever questioned if I was asking for too much, but factually, am I so hard to unconvince? I don't think so, and I certainly don't think I would need to be prompted for being a lesser person, and let alone being selfish. I don't think I am selfish, self-centered or even ignorant.
I was just too devoted to others' well-being, that I forgot, with renewed energies each time I know I can help, that people may just be tired.
Or maybe I'm tried of being tired.
Yeah, I guess being completely unaware that I may be tired and then tiring out, and eventually tiring of tire might not be so bad a thing after all.
Oh passion... if there is a word that describes my disappointment, that be incantly.
FEAR
Seems like I've taken a liking to blogging here lately. Probably to divert all the negativity online to a spot on the whole, rather than spreading it across all over the place.
I just got home, gonna hit the showers. Will see what other ideas I have in stored.
I've strangely developed a liking for nonsense. The more nonsensical, the better. And they I'll just run off. Seems like fun.
It was pouring when I left town earlier on, and was almost caught out when the expressway got closed. Thankful for all the past car rides that I began recognising more roads than I would have. Routing around was a breeze, and zooming out the storm clouds just in time. Well, not for long. They've reached the house...
Oh, I wanted to blog about what's happening here.
I would normally not speak, let alone blog, about my very most taboo dates, but we're in the Lunar Seventh Month, the Ghost Festival as its called, where the belief that during this month, the gates of Hell opens, allowing the tormented souls, or ghosts, to roam the earth freely. People would offer incense, joss paper, and other assortment of items and foods to enrich and feed them.
I've hardly spoken much about it, but as I grew older, I found myself even more fascinated by my scares than the taboo in itself. The teenage years were heavily warned about going out at night in the Seventh Month, probably to scare us into staying in. So for that duration, house chores were especially done...
Anyway, this be the month that small communities unite and pitch up road shows, Getai, to entertain those lost ones who had nowhere to go. These shows could be massive multi-tiered shows of song, dance and comic, or small shows with skits, decked out in bright lights and auctions. One heartening thing I've always noticed, was how these communities put together money, not just to put up the shows, but to buy basic groceries for distribution to the less endowed. But as I've also observed, such practises are more formalities than sincere these days.
Nonetheless, the practise goes on, with or without the knowledge of its original intent.
I would love to post some pictures on some of these I've mentioned, but perhaps some parts of me still believe in the taboo tales of capturing the wondering ones on camera.
Anyhow, Jean got back for a few days, and her reasoning was one of the most piercing I've ever received: for the same duration, even if she wines and dines with her friends in Australia for about the same price as the air ticket, she might as well be back here, and do the same with us, her old friends she left behind.
She did say she left us behind. Fact is, I think I was more happy for her than wanting her to stay. Everyone has something to look forward to, and she has. And to me, that's the best thing in life.
As with my last few entries, I'm currently caught in between, everything. The more I tried to hide, the more I sort of weeded myself out. Yet, the more I tried to exercise control, the more lost things become. The dilemma isn't frustrating, my lack of focus is. Point is, I don't really know what I'm up to anymore.
All I can think about is running off to a quiet corner, for a long time, with..
But well, if its any surprise, someone is actually able to completely disregard the environment, the surroundings, just to stick the nose in books during the exams. I am thoroughly impressed. =D
Never met anyone so dedicated to work in such a way. Neither have I been so ousted by material and academic pursuits. While my youth continues to fade away and elude me, I found myself struggling to make up for lost time. And in this instance, it would have been great to give moral support, feed the best foods, just to help make things better.
Alas, I think I am totally wishfully thinking.
I just got home, gonna hit the showers. Will see what other ideas I have in stored.
I've strangely developed a liking for nonsense. The more nonsensical, the better. And they I'll just run off. Seems like fun.
It was pouring when I left town earlier on, and was almost caught out when the expressway got closed. Thankful for all the past car rides that I began recognising more roads than I would have. Routing around was a breeze, and zooming out the storm clouds just in time. Well, not for long. They've reached the house...
Oh, I wanted to blog about what's happening here.
I would normally not speak, let alone blog, about my very most taboo dates, but we're in the Lunar Seventh Month, the Ghost Festival as its called, where the belief that during this month, the gates of Hell opens, allowing the tormented souls, or ghosts, to roam the earth freely. People would offer incense, joss paper, and other assortment of items and foods to enrich and feed them.
I've hardly spoken much about it, but as I grew older, I found myself even more fascinated by my scares than the taboo in itself. The teenage years were heavily warned about going out at night in the Seventh Month, probably to scare us into staying in. So for that duration, house chores were especially done...
Anyway, this be the month that small communities unite and pitch up road shows, Getai, to entertain those lost ones who had nowhere to go. These shows could be massive multi-tiered shows of song, dance and comic, or small shows with skits, decked out in bright lights and auctions. One heartening thing I've always noticed, was how these communities put together money, not just to put up the shows, but to buy basic groceries for distribution to the less endowed. But as I've also observed, such practises are more formalities than sincere these days.
Nonetheless, the practise goes on, with or without the knowledge of its original intent.
I would love to post some pictures on some of these I've mentioned, but perhaps some parts of me still believe in the taboo tales of capturing the wondering ones on camera.
Anyhow, Jean got back for a few days, and her reasoning was one of the most piercing I've ever received: for the same duration, even if she wines and dines with her friends in Australia for about the same price as the air ticket, she might as well be back here, and do the same with us, her old friends she left behind.
She did say she left us behind. Fact is, I think I was more happy for her than wanting her to stay. Everyone has something to look forward to, and she has. And to me, that's the best thing in life.
As with my last few entries, I'm currently caught in between, everything. The more I tried to hide, the more I sort of weeded myself out. Yet, the more I tried to exercise control, the more lost things become. The dilemma isn't frustrating, my lack of focus is. Point is, I don't really know what I'm up to anymore.
All I can think about is running off to a quiet corner, for a long time, with..
But well, if its any surprise, someone is actually able to completely disregard the environment, the surroundings, just to stick the nose in books during the exams. I am thoroughly impressed. =D
Never met anyone so dedicated to work in such a way. Neither have I been so ousted by material and academic pursuits. While my youth continues to fade away and elude me, I found myself struggling to make up for lost time. And in this instance, it would have been great to give moral support, feed the best foods, just to help make things better.
Alas, I think I am totally wishfully thinking.
Monday, August 24, 2009
iN ALL FAiRNESS
What is fair? That while the world spins, I sit here begging for empathy to no avail? Or that I get to do nothing, while someone else has their hands full?
My body now feels like a hundred tons, sluggish and inactive, and my mind is nothing but sleepy, struggling even to form correct sentences here. Which would be the lesser evil? That I let myself rot and be human, or be sidelined, inhumanely?
The closer I edge towards my getaway, the more depressing I become. What the hell should I do.
My body now feels like a hundred tons, sluggish and inactive, and my mind is nothing but sleepy, struggling even to form correct sentences here. Which would be the lesser evil? That I let myself rot and be human, or be sidelined, inhumanely?
The closer I edge towards my getaway, the more depressing I become. What the hell should I do.
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