SiMPLE AFFAiR

It was just that. There were no special words or elaborate set ups, it was just plain simple. It was like a closure of sorts, something that just gets a reminder that there are no certainty, and the uncertainty is repeating itself like dancing globules in a tube.

I'm just surprised there wasn't even a goodbye.

RAiN RAiN RAiN

Its nice that the sky held out to pour at this hour. And its nice to snuggle in bed missing someone with a hot bowl of soup in my hands. And its definitely way cool to be feeling floaty after the soup sitting here typing.

But, the bed looks cosier. Heh.

RETURN

So now found out what returning home means. Or maybe I'm speculating. Its about going back to the place we were all born, and other things probably don't quite matter. Questions is, why wasn't I informed?

Perhaps some transitions are easier to bare than others, but to be quietly waiting and not knowing can cut really deep. How silly am I to think that there are others who may share the same dreams and goals, or might just want to give it a shot? Naive? Yeah. Now I feel really dumb.

Much like how the gang broke into its own demise, simply because people don't try. I ever questioned if I was asking for too much, but factually, am I so hard to unconvince? I don't think so, and I certainly don't think I would need to be prompted for being a lesser person, and let alone being selfish. I don't think I am selfish, self-centered or even ignorant.

I was just too devoted to others' well-being, that I forgot, with renewed energies each time I know I can help, that people may just be tired.

Or maybe I'm tried of being tired.

Yeah, I guess being completely unaware that I may be tired and then tiring out, and eventually tiring of tire might not be so bad a thing after all.

Oh passion... if there is a word that describes my disappointment, that be incantly.

FEAR

Seems like I've taken a liking to blogging here lately. Probably to divert all the negativity online to a spot on the whole, rather than spreading it across all over the place.

I just got home, gonna hit the showers. Will see what other ideas I have in stored.

I've strangely developed a liking for nonsense. The more nonsensical, the better. And they I'll just run off. Seems like fun.

It was pouring when I left town earlier on, and was almost caught out when the expressway got closed. Thankful for all the past car rides that I began recognising more roads than I would have. Routing around was a breeze, and zooming out the storm clouds just in time. Well, not for long. They've reached the house...

Oh, I wanted to blog about what's happening here.

I would normally not speak, let alone blog, about my very most taboo dates, but we're in the Lunar Seventh Month, the Ghost Festival as its called, where the belief that during this month, the gates of Hell opens, allowing the tormented souls, or ghosts, to roam the earth freely. People would offer incense, joss paper, and other assortment of items and foods to enrich and feed them.

I've hardly spoken much about it, but as I grew older, I found myself even more fascinated by my scares than the taboo in itself. The teenage years were heavily warned about going out at night in the Seventh Month, probably to scare us into staying in. So for that duration, house chores were especially done...

Anyway, this be the month that small communities unite and pitch up road shows, Getai, to entertain those lost ones who had nowhere to go. These shows could be massive multi-tiered shows of song, dance and comic, or small shows with skits, decked out in bright lights and auctions. One heartening thing I've always noticed, was how these communities put together money, not just to put up the shows, but to buy basic groceries for distribution to the less endowed. But as I've also observed, such practises are more formalities than sincere these days.

Nonetheless, the practise goes on, with or without the knowledge of its original intent.

I would love to post some pictures on some of these I've mentioned, but perhaps some parts of me still believe in the taboo tales of capturing the wondering ones on camera.

Anyhow, Jean got back for a few days, and her reasoning was one of the most piercing I've ever received: for the same duration, even if she wines and dines with her friends in Australia for about the same price as the air ticket, she might as well be back here, and do the same with us, her old friends she left behind.

She did say she left us behind. Fact is, I think I was more happy for her than wanting her to stay. Everyone has something to look forward to, and she has. And to me, that's the best thing in life.

As with my last few entries, I'm currently caught in between, everything. The more I tried to hide, the more I sort of weeded myself out. Yet, the more I tried to exercise control, the more lost things become. The dilemma isn't frustrating, my lack of focus is. Point is, I don't really know what I'm up to anymore.

All I can think about is running off to a quiet corner, for a long time, with..

But well, if its any surprise, someone is actually able to completely disregard the environment, the surroundings, just to stick the nose in books during the exams. I am thoroughly impressed. =D

Never met anyone so dedicated to work in such a way. Neither have I been so ousted by material and academic pursuits. While my youth continues to fade away and elude me, I found myself struggling to make up for lost time. And in this instance, it would have been great to give moral support, feed the best foods, just to help make things better.

Alas, I think I am totally wishfully thinking.

iN ALL FAiRNESS

What is fair? That while the world spins, I sit here begging for empathy to no avail? Or that I get to do nothing, while someone else has their hands full?

My body now feels like a hundred tons, sluggish and inactive, and my mind is nothing but sleepy, struggling even to form correct sentences here. Which would be the lesser evil? That I let myself rot and be human, or be sidelined, inhumanely?

The closer I edge towards my getaway, the more depressing I become. What the hell should I do.

FLOATiNG iN FiNiTY

I gotta admit I'm thinking too much about that. Wishful thinking on my part that people would reciprocate my good intents with a least some appreciation. Alas, I was utterly dismissed like smoke in the air, and left lying on the floor as an empty canter.

If my disappointment had a name, it would be called "dire".

No time to blog cos of some stupid projects which I'm paid peanuts, or probably not even paid for. Fuck.

HOLES

I was expecting the entire night for something to happen. Nothing happened. And I just sat stoned back in front of the computer in my room. Could have been good, could have been worse, but all I know is that I'm staring blank, till I decided to just blog.

Couldn't pick any music for the mood cos I can't even identify what this feeling is. Probably a first time for everything.

Met this young aspiring actor/singer trying to make a break today. He was late for his appointment, and was quite defensive on the way in. Confidence in each step, every word, and bodily action. Until I hit back.

I didn't mean to, but I was under the weather (even now) and desperately trying to get home, and I wasn't going to let any attitudes or bitchiness get me. So I barked back, and I think I kinda dented his front. LOL. Just a little k?

Anyway, when we were done with whatever we needed to get done, it started to pour. Got stuck at the studio for a good 2 hours before packing up and heading out into the wet roads. The rain had stopped, but prayers for the Hungry Ghosts were still going on.

It's a strange vibe tonight. What I had wished for all seemed too wildly ridiculous. Yeah, out with a bang!

Was really hoping to hear from Ron, but doubt he's gonna be awake. A holiday is what I would need myself. Talk about deja vu. Thing is, amidst all these craziness, I seem to dwell within myself and bang my head harder against loneliness. Writing more songs will help, simply because it takes away the pain most of the time. And make me realise more of what I already have, than to find a greater denominator.

Alas, I'm very close to calling it quits - everything. Perhaps the band thing exerted a rougher impact than I would imagine, or anticipated, yet, nothing like this has ever happened before. Risa asked me something that prompted me to say that I've dedicated myself in the last 10 years to the team and band. Now, I'm simply clueless about what comes next. And yet, clueless is an understatement.

Like they say, whatever comes, comes. I'm so tired. Yet only a select few could make me feel like I'm special, rather than a wimp who cannot stand firm on his feet, still largely in hiding, and totally afraid to open up.

In truth, I can't stand myself at this point. I don't know what has come over me, but I just can't stand it anymore. Like a movie, the plot is lost, the acting pales, and the closing credits simply too short.

It's a really uphill task to try find myself again.

i DREAMT A DREAM i KEPT ALiVE

I grew up a city life, where many things were readily available - from flipping a simple switch to turn on the lights, to twisting the tap that flows with that very fountain of life.

Sometimes I wonder if its too perfect.

I used to spend some holidays at grandmas, doing absolutely nothing, playing with dirt seemingly helping my aunt with the gardening, but otherwise, I don't recall being any more useful than being a nuisance and a sweetheart that puts a smile on grandma's face.

In truth, she never did raise her voice at me, neither lifting any fingers to hurt me. We hardly spoke, but each time I see her, she would smile, touch my head, and goad me out the kitchen. I had many fond memories about the old house she used to stay in: but one that I would vividly recall and put in my head whenever I need to escape - standing in the backyard, looking out into that vast fields of lalang that stretched for a really far distance. It was a sea of green with fluffy white top that met the horizon somewhere, or as far as my naked eyes could see.

Yes, I've blogged many times about that coffee aroma that punctuates the sweet air in the mornings. I hated sleeping at night cos I know as each time the sun rises, my holidays shortened. I don't watch a lot of TV whenever I'm there, and mom usually don't stop me from staying with her. Granted, although being in a different country,it did seem a little odd that mom's assured of my safety. Perhaps it's just grandma, who would protect me as she had with my mom and all her other eleven children.

The house had a broad balcony that surrounded the entire house, and my aunt was strict about the kids being there unsupervised. But whenever I had the chance to, I'd run ahead with the keys up to the door that opened the way into the balcony, twist the keys in that rusty old lock, and run out, looking right into the skies like always.

Those were the days that gave me what I wanted most now: freedom. Neither grandma would stop me from running around the house compounds, nor would my aunt stop me from catching flies that flocked to the food in the kitchen.

Back home, mom and dad had expectations, but the more rebellious and artistic senses overtook my better judgments - I wanted to create things, I don't want any conventions. They never did understand, but hardly tried to put a sock in it too.

I used to skateboard with friends around the neighborhood, climb the big structures at the playground, and play detective snooping into the vast compounds of my town. Those days, I made friends with the neighborhood kids, and hung out as much as the day would be. Sun down, and you can hear mom's screaming out my friends' names from the kitchen windows. That would be the end of play time, and dinner would be served.

Drawing was a hobby then. I remember lugging a sketch book similar to the one my brother used for his engineering drawings, and head out to wide spaces and just drew, whatever came to mind. I once did a pencil shading of a sand dune, with a lone crow perched to a side. My art teacher gave me an A, while the rest of my friends scratched their heads over it.

While my aunt stayed with my grandma, she left an old acoustic guitar at our place. My brother used to buy loads of tab books to learn the latest hit songs on radio, and when he was finally packed off to the Army, I took the guitar, and started learning basic chords. Never did I go beyond those chords, but they were enough to piece some songs together, and I tried to write some myself.

I recall hearing Padres on the radio when I was a teenager, and even watched them play a million times live, whenever they did. I was so inspired by their sense of rhythm, their styles, their everything. I was enamored with everything they did, so much so I wanted to play in a band too, and perhaps, catch up with them one day and play on the same stage, finally getting an autograph or two. Then, that would be it, the happiest day of my life.

And how life and goals changed.

School was a time when we learned about emotions. I used to feel embarassed, and shy, for I had no built, no height, and no looks. I was a late bloomer, shooting a hefty 1 meter in the last 5 years of my teens. But when I was in primary school, I was but the kid next door. No one looks at me, talks to me, or plays with me, except the kids in my neighborhood who, were just like me.

So when I finished my PSLE at the top of the charts, the kids were shocked at my achievements. They never thought that quiet boy could be that smart or hardworking. I was never a studious kid, honestly, and all I wanted was to dry, collect seeds from the Saga trees, or just writing my name in the sand pits for the long jumpers.

When my turn came to enlist, I was thrown in without a single friend that I knew from school. I was totally all on my own for the first time in my life, surrounded by a bunch of guys just like me. It was grueling, but we made do with whatever we could. And after a while, I found myself losing friends I made when I first joined, and eventually ended up in a place where everyone could go home, except me. So finally, I brought that guitar with me, trying to write songs that never did materialize. And that, was my only friend for a long time.

This guitar was finally stolen after I lent it to a friend who wanted to play in the same band. The guitar was a masterpiece, breaking at the neck once, and was glued back like a secondhand piece. It did work for as long as I could remember, and until it was gone, it was my voice of sorts.

Founding Nightsound was a kind of a dream to me, to finally realise what it was that strikes my chord, that embraces my visions. Never had I tried so hard to keep something going, something which tagged in close to my own heart, as well as others.

There were so many changes and so many songs that had been written, and each time I hear them back, I remember that old guitar, and the blue skies, and the lalang fields, and the coffee aroma, and grandma, and so many other things that just wouldn't go away. I don't wish them to go away, but sometimes, some things need to disappear to know its true value.

Perhaps my wishful thinking has gotten the better of me. For what I would think is an effort anyone could make, it was a milestone for people who thought much deeper into it. I appreciate that, and that's why, I dreamt a dream that I kept alive for so long, hoping that it could be as genuine as everything else in my life, just like how grandma would smile, and I know I can go out and play, without saying a single word.

I've lived a wondrous life that I still rejoice, hoping that it can go on. And with the decision to stop a dream, I seem to forget there were many others; but this is like no other. Grandma would smile, and it would be time for dinner when the sun sets. That I knew. Like I always knew.

And this sun, sets.

MiSSiNG AGAiN

Other than spending most of my time in Restaurant City, I hardly do anything else these days. Work's slowed to a mere trickle, and life's but a bitch. I wish something new comes along fast, can't stand being some helplessly waiting for things to happen. Not to mention my bills are piling higher every day.

THE WHiTE TOWER II

I'm a little confused with what I'm doing and what I've been trying to do. Seeing how others make their ideas work got me a little uptight about my own: what gives?

Okay, for once, I shan't describe the emotions at length. Instead, a little straight-forward story telling would be nice for a change yes?

Work got me endlessly out of hours for the last couple weeks, in fact months, and I hardly got a chance to watch tv or listen to the radio. Hearsay was my only source of news about anything new - trends, fashion, design, music - I guess that's laziness on my part to some extent, but having minimal rest really sucked.

So I finally tuned into the radio for the latest pop, Beyonce's Halo, Lady Gaga's Poker Face + Just Dance, Britney's string of hits dominated most of the air-time, plus a myriad of artistes who are struggling to edge out one another. Particularly Halo got my attention (sorry, I know I'm way behind time) for its melody and musical arrangement. I sat there the first time I finally laid hands on it and thought: Amazing. Why can't I do that?

The instrumentation was simple, and the lines were basics. But the creative power had it all together and held it as one really strong piece. Poker Face stared squared at me too, for its ground breaking use of synth and a whole bunch of loops. Again, I went wide-eyed. I thought Umbrella was it, and before that, Hung Up, and even before that, Irreplaceable. The music just grew beyond comprehension, just when I thought nothing new could come out of it, they reinvented it again and again.

I'm not trying to sell pop here, but the whole development got me really interested to see what comes next. Sexy Back broke the ice on loops completely even though it was years after Eminem's initial offerings.

Being a rock fan, I seem to hold a lot of respect for Divas I know. LOL. I got U2's No Line On The Horizon, and frankly, till date, I haven't heard it a second time. On the other hand, I got the little advertised The Cure's 4:13 Dream, and never got past the title track, Underneath the Stars.

All the songs I put on repeats were simply put, simple. You know what they were using, what they were playing, nothing there to hide, no fancy pyrotechnics in the sounds, they just made good music.

And that sank me quite badly cos I can't seem to dig out even a figment of musical imagination to put together a song right now. And in all earnesty, it's hard to swallow when you can't find the can opener to deal with the can of beans you're trying to open for lunch, and the clock just struck 5PM.

What made it worse was, I've been coming up with lyrical lines that don't match any music, nor can agree for consistency amongst themselves. It went from one subject matter to the next, fleeted all about, and never stayed in place.

So I finally gave up after trying for a week. I'm brain dead. Not that I've nothing to write. I don't know how to write them anymore.

Then came Electrico's new music video for Faces. It just blew me away. The visuals were pretty and the music was good definitely, but what got me was the interpretation of the song being put to visuals.

I seem to recall how Tetanus described the band's music as dark and cinematic, plus a couple bloggers betting their money on the visual-capable pieces. And as I look back, I've never really done anything visually sufficient for the music to lay to. Perhaps they needed majestic mountain-scapes or winter-scenes, but it's just hard to produce anything with hands bound by obligations and a dire need for hard cash. Then again, why am I doing this out of my own flesh?!

Point is, I irk at the thought of having been self-helped for the last ten years in pursing my music. Being able to round up very supportive talents had driven me on for so long, and its hard to drop my bags and park. But until Faces, I thought I was going to produce another 'masterpiece' so-called.

Now, I've given that up too. Not that I'm some jealous old-fashioned cheese fool, but I've come to realise, all these are for naught when it's not going commercial at all, and I'm just pouring and probably wasting resources, just for kicks.

Dumb. That's the only word I could think of.

I was excited and sad about the prospect of another show in July this year, and like all other years, self-produced, self-funded. With a lack of direction, new materials, and even internal communications within the band, I think I'm pretty much done here too. That one last catalyst that is moving me on is my final promise to do one last thing (sorry, secret for now). Perhaps the journey through all these events were pre-meditated by my own self-fulfilling prophecies. Josh was right, the only person who can stop me, is me.

Now that things are more settled in at home, I do feel the comforts of coming home to a bed (finally), and actually taking time to rest myself. I have no mirrors in here, cos looking at it makes me think about a lot more things (side-track: a typical chain of thought: zit-shit, gotta get rid of it-can't go out tomorrow-gonna be late for meeting-have to get home fast after meeting-cannot bring camera-no pictures of me please-hope it dun spread-no wonder it hurts there-...). Know what I mean? LOL.

I also don't have any clocks hung in the room. Having a clock is always taboo for me - I'll be early, and someone else will be late. If I'm gonna be late, the appointment will most likely be rescheduled somehow. Plus, I don't really want to watch my own time slip away. Not much left, what's there to count anymore. Disclaimer, I really don't know how much is left, so don't ask me.

Coming back, I love staying in my room for now, until I can find a clearer direction or motivation to do something else, sleep, games, and Youtube dominates.

I also regretted pledging my allegiance to some filmmakers who had a bad roll with me 2 weeks back. Till now, I have no news of what has happened, and not that it bothers me, but my regrets got to have some kind of explanation and update, a reason to be at least, rather than just pure plain emotion. Call it curiosity, but I'm Aquarian. I need my questions answered.

So now, I'm back on top the chart of iLike Challenge on Facebook amongst my peers, listening to all the good music non-stop, playing mindless puzzle and RPG games, lazing in bed, and totally uninterested in being interested in anything anymore. Geez, I actually sound like a teenager.

Oh cyberspace, spit me out of this wormhole. It's really making me sick. And fat.

Maybe I've been pushing people who work with me, way too hard. Somehow the passion got the better of me, and made quite a freak. I realise that too, cos there were hardly a genuine smile in any midst of the work, be it for the business, or plainly for the projects of interest.

I don't blame anyone really, except myself. Perhaps I'm not good enough to be leading the troupe across cities for the big top set up. Rightfully so, no degrees, poor paper qualifications, lousy choice of words, shy, hardly the type appropriate for big hall functions, can't network to save my skin, untrained in music... so what do I really expect myself to amount to?

I'm trying to save up some money for a used car, just to prove to the people who thinks I'm not capable, that I am of some use. Downer, sounds like it, but hey, suppression is not something anyone can just throw away and say I'm actually good. Point is, I've struggled this long for only one thing: survival. I'm hungry man, and working's the only way to feed myself.

It's hard to begin describing the kind of life I live right now. Sure, some people may think I'm doing well, but deep inside, I'm really feeling the emptiness and the whole-hearted disappointment of being looked down upon, or simply, useless.

Gosh, if you guys upstairs can throw me some cash, I would be really grateful. Just wanna stop whoring myself in public, and dream about being a rock star.

Oh, if you still don't know, I did all the shows to help sell the various companies involved, and knowing full well I will never make it big. The irony of being a dreaming fool in the Age of Aquarius.

Well. I guess that's enough lament for the hour. Halo. Love the song. Emotive. I'll dedicate the song to you, who managed to read the last part of this post. =) Enjoy, whoever you are.

FLY

I can't quite comprehend the chain of events for today. One disappointing news after another, and another. I must be doing something wrong, or maybe I'm just not bracing myself right. I could probably be too... 'emo'... like they say, about things. But honestly, I don't understand why it's so difficult to be supportive, honest, even concerned.

It started with a team-mate getting quite tired of trying to find his own niche. Then someone close to me, instead of understanding, told me to wake up. Then a third simply couldn't keep a promise.

Perhaps I tried too hard to prove myself. Tried too hard to achieve successes that never were meant mine. Or perhaps I'm trying to, despite trying a lot, and achieved much, get a better sense of myself, by proving myself that I am worthwhile. Somehow. Maybe the insecurities gave way to all these struggles, attempting repeatedly what is unnecessary and futile in the end. Just to give myself a sense of worth.

I'm afraid to post this on tblog. The outcry (whichever emotive direction it takes), overwhelms me sometimes. Not that I hate the attention, and sometimes I find myself needing it badly, I just don't want to cause any stirs. Especially now that so many issues that pertains mainly to the human heart, is volatile.

As so long I have a steady income that feeds my family's, loved ones' and friends' ego of material driven logic, I think all matters of the heart can lay to rest. Because nobody cares anymore, and nobody gives a damn to how I feel anymore. Sidelined.

I've already heard the common descriptors:
"part and parcel"
"time will come, and has come"
"that's just life"
"what's new?"

All in my face. Oh well. Perhaps, that's just life after all.

Give me a sign. Someone. Point me a direction. Tell me where this is all going. I simply don't understand what is going on anymore.

WHY

Is not longer a question. It's an expression of a thought, an exclamation to an news, a shock at an event. I don't really know quite how to react at this juncture, except to ask a simple 'why'. It's akin to knowing a raging fire with nothing to put it out in sight.

What's worse is its hitting very close to home, second home, the alternate shelter, the lonely existence acknowledged in an instant. I want to reverse the process but find myself helpless beyond... I don't really know what to type anymore.

Either way, my words weigh heavy I know, but do not let them waiver your decisions. I'm happy, as I am sad.

MiSSiNG A PiECE

I know I know, been missing so many blogs here. I wish I can have more materials, but till my evil mode blows over... nothing's in my head. I'm still with you!

HAPPY BiRTHDAY

TO ME!!!

heh

SURELY

Surely - Acoustic Lemon Mix - Nightsound

Did this song kinda on the spur... half as a promised, half in frustration really. A promise cos somebody said it be nice to hear the acoustic version of it, half in frustration cos the same person kinda threw me off over a really small matter, as in a small matter to me.

I probably shouldn't be so petty about it, but it probably got me a few steps back from being a modern and tech savvy person to becoming one of traditions and values. It's a good thing cos at least now I know some people out there are still as conservative about things, which would really take time to improve.

Okay, was meaning to blog more, but the alarm system upstairs went off. No idea why. Save more for another time then...

BORiNG

Can't believe there are still people so myopic that they are willing to risk their own ratings. What was supposed to be exciting and fun kinda bored me out. I wish there's more spectrum then a tunnel vision.

Whatever. Though I'm still feeling a little sore about it.

Blog more later.

MERRY 2009

Well, it isn't much but Happy New Year!

I know I've been missing a lot of important posts here, a lot of serious thoughts and gripes, but time and money has been causing too much stress and pressure that doesn't quite allow any luxury of blogging. Perhaps tomorrow might be the breaking point of having to spill it out proper over here.

Anyway, keep it steady. 2009's gonna be really interesting =)

SHiNE ON

LOL. Happy! Actually got this done within a couple hours. Enjoy and let me know what you think!

This was actually written in 2002 I think, or at least the original files said so. Ripped it apart and re-assembled the song cos it had a strong magnetic persona about it, or at least for tonight. Oh well, it wouldn't be going into the new album that's for sure.

"it feels kind of cold, when darkness seemed to come too fast, and all I loved had crumbled to dust. there's a tear in my eye, another comes when the first is done, would you please?"

"cos I am not what I thought, and I can't see where I would be, so please just take me away. cos I fear just being here, with words I've heard in my ears, just shine a light to show me the way."

"just show me the way. leave a light on me"

Cheers

SHiNE

Shine - Nightsound

LEAVE A LiGHT FOR

I suddenly found myself blogging loads in the last couple days, probably due to the fatigue dealing with mindless crap. Just found this song on a strayed CD, not too sure where it came from, but will try do something for it and see what I can come up with.

Before that, gonna head to the toilet. BRB.

Back. Let me go find the original files and do something about it. Can't stand it =)

ViLE OF VEX

I've honestly lost the will-power to talk about my current issues. I can't seem to say what I feel anymore about them at the back of my head. Mom has decided to pull her favorite stunt of not talking to me, for whatever reasons she feels right about.

It's really tearing me down.

First, she was against throwing things out as proposed by bro over the renovations. And when bro decided to talk to her, she didn't even look at him, just simply angry. So I stepped in and told her to at least talk it out. That must have been her trigger point. And since Monday, that was it. She refused to talk to me.

For the first time in 30 years, I actually feel like moving out. And maybe I should after all.

MOODLESS

I'm seriously frustrated and stressed out with some family members. That pressure to get things moving in tandem with mounting clients with-holding payment for work done, as well as the show, just gets incredibly big by the day. Maybe I'm putting myself through this unnecessarily, but having to deal with issues I did not create is wearing me out. And fast.

Well, I'm praying hard to get by and stay as positive as I can. Till things look up, even for a day, that be a really huge blessing.

For those affected tremendously by the plummeting stock market, you have little of my sympathy, but I certainly wish you well.

FABRiCATiON

That's that. I'm so close to crying right now that it isn't useful to even think about it anymore. I think... I've been patient enough. I also think, I've been good. Maybe, just maybe, doing all these show things are honestly not worthwhile.

So it seems I'm not really prepared. Truth is, I can't prepare much when the people involved aren't pitching in enough to help me out here.

And I go around barking at people for things, when people seriously aren't really interested. I can so tell... It's hard when you have to take instructions I know. But if there isn't contributions, then somebody's gotta do something. That ass has got to be me.

I'm sick of being an ass. Really. Why should I bear that brunt for so many others, when I can use all that time, effort, and money to go holiday, rejuvenate, and live life? Maybe I was right... people are just simply sluts for their wants. I included.

Well, I can't really blame anyone except myself for starting this.

MY APOLOGiES

I'm so sorry blog... I've really slowed down on the posts here... I promise to pick up the pace yeah!

REALiSE

I'm so sick and tired of working to pay off debts. It's draining me so much to the point I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. Consistently, I burn weekends just to get more jobs, cut more sales, or try to improve something that could possibly be more useful for the money. But..

I so need someone to talk to right now, but no one's available, and I'm dying inside knowing I've done so badly in my social circle because time has been dedicated to undo all that's gone bad previously. I hate it.

But. Surviving this is so critical for my eventual evolution to being free. Break the chains so to speak, yet nowhere close.

And at this rate, the body and mind's not gonna take the amount of punishment I'm throwing them to, which would naturally deteriorate the evolution process to minimal, then nothingness.

Remember, I miss you yeah.

RED HiLL MiNiNG TOWN

My favorite song


It's finally come. The vision that's marred the clarity of the crystal blue sky, with fragments of clouds that spears it in an unstrung ensemble of beauty weaved by the very unintended haul of mother earth.

I thought I could get over this as quickly, but it didn't.

After all the efforts in ensuring the work stays clean, and so will the reputation, I think the work's taken a dip with all assurances. I've not felt this low in a long time, which really means I've gone way out of line in remembering to upkeep myself with my experiences and unfortunately, memories. I almost didn't know what else to think except how much I'm taking a beating from myself because I have failed in ensuring I stayed learned about my ways, and that I will never repeat the same mistakes.

In that the trying to avoid errors could have made me so tense at this moment, unknowingly, but it sure feels bad.

On the drive back home, it feels like the world couldn't stop spinning around me. I had this fainting sensation of an imminent car crash that would erase all that I've done, been to, spoken with, sung to. Yet, all I could barely scrap out of was why in this dire times, is someone still out there partying.

I don't know how else to grieve about my situation. I don't know who to grieve to. And I don't know how long I can take the suspense of the consequences of the current circumstantial moment of truth. It almost makes no sense to be thinking I'm not okay, for the fact that, if mistakes are made, salvage and repair, or let it go. Period.

I really wished this has been easier to bear. But, it has not. I really don't know what else to think, say or do. Sweet dreams I, for nightmares have wounded me every night.

MiSSiNG

That's how long I've not been around this part of cybertown. If only I had more of an inspiration to keep the feet firmly flat on the ground, this place might be more spruced up than its current condition. Besides blabbering about work on the main blog, I've got so much more to be lamenting here. Just not tonight. Perhaps a real round-up really soon.

Cheers cyberspace.

C FLiCKS

Sorry, but I can't help feeling very cheated over how I run my projects. It's like, inspiring as it may be, to be taken advantage of so unguardedly and openly just feels awful.

I know its all about looking forward, but even at a personal level, people think I'm some jerk around toy sometimes.

Sad to say, people who point the fingers at the flaws of others seldom see the flaws in themselves. I'm currently bedridden with what to do next for the company and myself. It's a pity to let it go, but the rent is something I'm just not simply ready to pay out just because it is "the current rate". Tell me long-standing relations matter, yes, for sure, but it certainly doesn't quite feel like it.

Well, fuck it. I'm done thinking and worrying. If things still persist in their current flow, it's about time to pull the stops and just move on.

LATE

Well, work is wearing me thin beyond 2D, and I can't imagine what it would be like to head back down to the beach. If you've noticed, there's plenty going on over at the main blog, which pretty much boils down to having very little time to deal with this one, not to mention the main one.

Doesn't matter though, spirits have been rather high cos there's just simply too many projects to do, and so little time to think about all things unpleasant. Save for that bad brush with an old nemesis, I think its all pretty much that.

Wind down a little would ja!

HAPPY CNY!

HAPPY LUNAR NEW YEAR ALL!

HAPPY CHRiSTMAS & MERRY NEW YEAR!

And I got: the incredible iPod Touch, a designer name design framed, an exquisite Jack Daniel's Zippo, a fabulous pair of Everlast briefs (!), a Thirsty Al Crumpler pouch, and I should have one or 2 more pressies on the way (fingers crossed). My own self-pressie: a colorful Benetton pull-over and 2 cheapo IPZ singlets! Could have been more awesome if only they didn't shut the Astro outlet for new stocks arrival. Oh well. Merry Christmas all!

WHAT iF?

I was told it would take long, and that it would take really long.

I don't know, after so many days, I'm still quite hung up about the show, the run up to it, and the aftermath. It hurts when so many people thought it was awesome: nobody ever said that about me, my music, or my dreams. It feels like some earthquake rendition of a heartache.

I really don't know. Turning back the time wouldn't be the same, moving forward seems tough, and looking back is unthinkable.

tblog is down, and I'm forced to throw stuff that don't belong here again. Perhaps, there will come a time when I can truly lay and rest without thinking and lamenting about me.

AND ACROSS i FEEL

It's funny, I spread myself across 4 different blogs, spelling out numerous responses that just don't quite seem to add up sometimes. One, I rant and scream in, another I drop my professional opinions, yet one more that is totally secret and oblivious to people that no one even knows there is one, and this, this is probably the saddest of them all. It lacks update, it hears my fears, it sees my flaws, and feels my sorrows. Everyone has some degree of retardness and personality disorders, yet no one openly admits it.

I, across 2 Is and a world blog and a anime blog, just somehow point to a deeper chasm of thoughts than just one straight lace on I tblog. Chaining all four could possibly put and piece me together, but on all fours.

It's rainging again and again and again. Please stop. I can't handle the pressure much longer.

STAND ALONE

And none united. How am I supposed to move on now?

SURELY

"If I could be any dream that you want, any dream will do, any dream I'll become."

"If I could be a light in your shadow, to show you the way, a light I'll be one."

"If I could be a stranger in a bus, alone in this world, unknown to everyone. It could have been any other way, but if I really am, will you walk with me, and talk to me, and laugh with me? Surely I am someone, don't take it away from me. Give me my time, I know I'm awake. Be with me, hold on to my hands, surely I am someone, don't take it away from me. Be kind. I know I'm awake. Sure I am someone."

I'll like to tell you what I think. I would like to think that I am not gifted. Neither am I rich with intelligence. But One thing's for sure, I know I'm hurt. This past week has been so messed up to the point it isn't even worth mentioning no more. But today, finally, I see the difference. I'm finally taking a real breather. No backlogs, no offenses, no urgency.

And I started this brand new week with a pork chop down with mushroom sauce. Twenty bucks worth, just to half-crying tell myself everything's gonna be okay.

There was this once, when I was training in Thailand, the bus taking us to the airport made a pitstop. We got off, and it was just this huge giant gas station with a restaurant that overlooked miles of dusty land. And since, I've only written Surely based on that.

I felt like crying. But tears. So dry.

HAPPY ENDiNGS

Didn't happen today. In fact, the presentation was so bad, I nearly chased the clients out. I'm not trying to be mean, but paying low for high quality, that's really stretching it. I can't simply do it without feeling hurt. Fact is, I don't owe them an explanation, I just kept agreeing with their nonsense so that they would just get it over and done with. Just leave.

I'm really discouraged. Not by my work, but by being bullied consistently without making a clear stand for myself for the last 2 years. I just mellowed and quietened so much to the point I don't even know myself anymore.

It's hard to explain. And spanning over 4 blogs, I don't even know which one I should really enter right now. Save for a few hint of democracy amidst my utmost yearning to keep the secrecy of it all, it's getting plain tiring trying to find a hole to hide. And I'm just about out of holes to do that.

Someone up there: I know I've been bad. Take it out on me, yeah, but don't drag all them I love along. It's not right. And benevolence was supposed to be boundless, limitless, and not the opposite of revenge. Please. Give me a breather. If it isn't tough getting the company running and having the show on, it's tougher trying to keep my sanity with all these eccentrics you are throwing at me.

I love my job. To the point I'll kill myself. Let's, not go there.

NiGHTSOUND iN MOTiON

BIG BUTTONS

Put The Big Red Button on your site

HOLD MY HANDS

CONSERVATORY

It's funny - there can be many things in life that we all earn and achieve, but there will still be the disappointments and regrets of not having. Its not about greed or laments - its just being human.

I was doing some research across the web, when I chanced upon the local conservatory of music. Browsing the pages, my heart sank deeper into self-pity and dreaded regrets. As each professor's face fill the page, as more information surfaced, as more residents of the conservatory showed up, I envied more and more the lives in which they lived.

I come from a middle-income family, and opportunities were resticted limited by age-old maxims and cultural traditions. Music fell into the category of wasted time, and therefore, translates into poor career advancement foundation.

And because I was a late bloom, I never showed THAT many signs of talent in music, disregarding the fact that I used to stand by the kitchen door and sing to my sisters while they share the routine kitchen cleaning, or for the fact that I sing along to the stereo everytime my nanny puts a record on.

Those were obviously bad signs of interests, passion and talent. Unlike today where talent spotting is a multi-million industry by itself, I was set in the 'stone-age' of Columbus' discoveries.

As I read the criterias for admission, it suddenly dawned on me that, "Hey, I could still do this!" But faced with a multitude of obligations and a whole line of tie-ups, it's hard to drop the luggage and just jump out the flight to do a dream skydive. Not discounting the fact that, who's gonna pay the bills for a grown-up man's education now?

As more articles of testimonials and write-ups loaded, I can't help but draw myself into a picturesque me, standing at some famous music halls, belting out my most emotional violin solo, or my haunting cello wails. I almost felt the roses kiss my cheeks after that world premiering piano recital.

Aah. Gone are the days of day-dreaming which my mother has taught me to put aside most quickly after the family fell into some financial troubles, which, not only made education all the more important, but certainly displaced music as even an option to alternative studies, or even a weekend leisurely course to take for enrichment. I'll be damned if I said it was okay.

The only consolation I have is the fact that I have learnt to compose my own tunes, write my own songs, all for the fun of it. Be it an opportuned activity aimed to sell any product, the least that could be of help is to hold tightly a forgotten dream, and a wasted passion.

I can wish for the next 50 years that this is that and that is this - but I'll have it no other way. Keep wishing. And I'll leave the real living of dreaming to the younger ones around me.

OF ONE WiNE AND A SMOKiNG CiGARETTE

tblog seems to be down with the occasional traffic-overloads, so decided to post blogger first, and see if I could get back there.

I'm not sure what's with me tonight. Maybe cos I was expecting some dinner dates, but they were botched at the eleventh hour. Or maybe cos tomorrow's beach trip that I'm so looking forward to got botched too. Or it could have snowballed from a client who was questioning the amount I was charging her, which most likely, will get botched as well.

I don't know. My mood is just sliding by the minute and tomorrow's trip being canceled just made it worse. It's like, what's wrong with just 2 persons going down to the beach? I ain't no freak and I ain't no stone. I know, I'm lamenting. That's probably that one thing I'm proud of.

I suppose that's the primary reason why I don't keep in touch with a lot of people. Not that I don't want to, but when friends look at me like some... alien - undefined and incomprehensible, it's just hard to bring myself to believe that they are people who don't mind what I am, and just love me for who I am.

Perhaps Irwin has been right all along, people think too much, and whatever that they don't understand, they fear. So, I'm just simply being feared. Which is really sad, considering it's all for the wrong reasons.

Like just a couple days back, mom was in a pretty foul mood. She told me she didn't want to talk about it, and chased me off to work with a frown on her face. I asked cos I was worried if something's terribly wrong, but I just got kicked in my butt.

It's like, I don't blame her, I just hate situations and circumstances that make people evil, uncaring, insensitive, and dodgy. My supposed beach mate tomorrow? Not a word of sorry, but just plain homophobic about it. Trust is skeptical in the face of fears, and fears are the spawn of the unknown. I suppose the best way to keep positive at this point is to blame myself for being too forthcoming, too trustingly naive, and overtly hopeful that the world is full of love and sunshine.

I used to think girls REALLY do grow up faster, but I was wrong. I used to think people DO change, and I was also wrong. Now, I think there isn't a reason for people to trust, or be trusted. Tell me I'm wrong there. Cos I would really love to be.

So, I have a whole day to myself, alone, tomorrow. I can't think of anything to do, nor do I have any spare change to spend. That just simply sucked. I guess I'll pretend to be back at the office to work, put on a show for the family, but just head back to watch some cheap DVDs I picked up earlier today. Yeah, what a bummer day it's gonna be.

And if the band decides to practice, that be great. At least I would have something genuine to occupy myself with.

World? I love you as much as I hate you.

TRAiN

Lagging. That's what it is. Falling behind myself. I didn't know why I even bothered to speak with G. It's like... I know what he's like, and I know the kind of attitude he has. Perhaps its cos we used to hang out together, and the affinity just got the better of me. So when he hit a challenge, I took it up. That was seriously dumb. I wasn't trying to play cool, I was simply trying to dig him. And now that I know one thing better - he has all the things to dig, but nothing would be in my favor.

Not that it mattered, but it kinda made things worse? Already alone sort of at the engagement party, I didn't just feel left out, but I didn't feel like I was even there to fill the numbers. If I was, it would have been easy, but knowing that I'm there cos they're obliged to have me there just didn't feel right, and good about it.

Oh well. I'm just whining. So let me be, for bottling up does myself no good.

I actually equated my losses from all the things I've done up to this point... and it totalled to about 4-5k. Not major, but certainly a dent. That could have bought a new G5 (assuming I would physically get the cold hard cash) that I badly need to replace the one at the studio, get some really necessary plugins for the DAW, and certainly pay for maintenance.

Of course, granted, it ain't gonna happen, so I'm just gonna take it that it never happened at all. That, somehow, felt better.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not being petty. I'm just whining. It's just the whole idea that I'm being owed, you know, over something which I voluntarily offered. But people just kinda took it a little too seriously? So they ain't paying me cash, but buying me dinners and drinks? It's as good as payment, and it's just... obligatory.

Sigh. I hardly sigh. But I'm just beat.

SHADES

I'm just kinda slow at making things up these days. It seems hard to just sit and lament anymore, knowing I've got tons of backlog to clear at the office. And being pressed for things isn't exactly very ideal nor conducive to be working within.

So it's Tuesday, and I completely forgot about it? I called home asking if Mom was at her dance club, and Mom picked up the phone. "It's Tuesday, not Wednesday!" I just slapped my forehead.

And for the first time in days, I went home hungry, so that I can tuck into the dinner spread prepared for today's occasion - the Qu Yuan Festivities. Mom insisted I get my ass back home for all the food, and I just promptly finished up and left. It's been a long day. Well, perhaps the coming weeks will reel in better sunshine.

GiRAFFE

I don't know. Maybe I'm whining. Maybe I'm complaining. But that's how it is. I honestly love my job, I just hate the way I'm being used sometimes for my expertise that had me days in school, months in learning, years in training, decades in looking for the better solution. And what do I end up with? Conceding to favors.

Not that its a bad thing, I don't mind helping out if I have the time seriously. But pushing me hard over a favor isn't exactly very conducive to work things out. For one, it eats up time, adds stress, and tense the situation like a blob of jelly squeezed into a test-tube. Yeah sure, we've all survived it before, but its just being demanding that I hate.

And I already can expect the end formula, a warm smile and a big thank you. What am I?! A static doll with moving arms to get a piece of work done, get thrown about, and when its finished, I'm the greatest?!

Utter Bull.

I've had just about enough going Pro Bono. I sure can help, but I sure can't stand tyrannical behaviors laced with sweet scents of gorgeous niceties. It's disgusting.

I guess what brought me to bitch about myself is sitting here, typing away, eating out of a cup noodle mixed with beer at fucking 2am in the morning. Isn't it pathetic? I work so darn hard yet get bossed around by puny non-payers and got to be home eating chow.

Oh, and the bigger is coming in June, where everything and everyone's gonna be a tupperware party that is plastic to the core. I think I've found enough excuses on others' behalf to clean their own shit.

----------+----------

Vesak Day for the last couple years have been the same - will always be at Godpa's prayers. Funny thing was, I overheard a lady asking (presumedly) her boyfriend why I was given a white amulet while the rest gets a colored one.

I was kinda embarassed cos I was taking up everyone's time for a bit. But thinking back, I should have just turned round and said, "Cos I needed more help!" LOL

Well, she had her blatant attempt to right her feelings of being inferior today. But I guess, if the heart is where it is supposed to be today, she will know better. Of course, telling her who she was kneeling in front of was really tempting...

Oh did I mention the Chinatown Hotel boss has a really mean temper? Kenny and I wrapped at the studio about 2 plus yesterday morning, and had some munchies at the Mac, then, realizing how packed the roads were with hopeful taxi flaggers. Anyway, that's not the point. We were trying to get a cab when this stupid drunk dragged his girl up the hotel entrance, and moments later, he got chased downstairs.

Now normally I see the boss as a really nice and patient guy, you know, hotel owner, customer service, you get the point. But this ass must have said something that seriously pissed him off, that he was yelling profanities at the top of his lungs in the middle of the street!

The best part - while the couple stumbled off, he threw a glass at them! It splattered all across the road, and he was still screaming at the couple! And to get that man angry, I can't imagine what that guy did man!

Still, when we couldn't flag a cab down, we called for one, and headed back to the studio to wait. Guess what? The boss walked towards the direction of where the couple stumbled off to, and was so obviously trying to nail his ass! OMG! This is one pissed guy!

Drama for a change I suppose, though I get that alot round the area, just never really seen one from script to film end. Ha.

----------+----------

Can I just ask, out of curiosity: how many of you will actually buy the next Nightsound album? Or you won't buy before you sample, or you wouldn't even consider it? Or worse, who's Nightsound?

RAiNY DAY

The day just kept spiraling downwards without an end. I'm so caught in this drift that it isn't making much sense, not at least why it's feeling so darn irritating.

Can't seem to understand this whole persistence of loneliness, if only there is an answer that questions everything else, I would be elated. Till then, I'd rather keep watching what happens than second guessing and acting rashly.

I'm in a foul mood, and a walking time-bomb. Nobody can stop me it seems.

WHY iT'S BEEN

Good call. Considering I have reduced the frequency of posts here by almost two thirds to a once-a-month affair. Not looking very cluttered though. So that's nice.

And after that major heart-stopping project, the days that revisit are akin to restlessness in peace. It's difficult to accustom a back-to-back schedule with a complete row down the stream of open dates. That's scary both for the creativity and the participants involved. Right now, I'm back to the routine empty soul.

I wish to chide and whine but pushing the button to remove thrash from the head somehow made that kind of tough. I can't seem to find anything to complain!

Well. Whatever it may be, I know for sure my problems aren't the least problems.

SOULFOOL iCE

This I gotta blog about: about a month ago, someone emailed me asking if the company would work on collaborations with a music interest group to develop content. No further details were offered, except an invitation to meet and speak. In that reply, I asked specifically what sort of collaborations we were looking at, no replies came.

2 weeks ago, I got a response, telling me that I didn't pick up my phone. Yeah well, so I missed the call, but with dozens of fax calls a week, I would be sceptical about calls understandably. Anyway, I replied politely with my mobile number, but not until 3 days later did I get an SMS, asking me to attend a meeting on that Friday, at 6pm.

I was cool with that despite being in the midst of a lengthy and heavy project, but on that Friday, 6pm, there were no follow ups until 9pm citing ill health that will have to have a reschedule of the meeting to the following day, 2pm.

I was again cool with that. But Friday night's romp at the bars got me up late on Saturday afternoon. By 1:30pm, an SMS came and revealed a late meeting that would force our meeting time to 2:30pm. I was okay, went with the flow, and rushed down to the office.

We were supposed to have the meeting at a fast food restaurant a street away, and, having had no lunch, I decided to do lunch there might as well. At 2:30pm, no calls came, so I kindly sent a message to inform me when whoever's supposed to be there, was there.

Done with lunch in fifteen, I sat till 3pm at the alfresco watching people and wondering if they were the ones I would be meeting up with. Those who seemed potential were none that, but at least there were 2 rather cute chicks sitting right in front of me in the restaurant to ogle at (hey, obvious that would be the best seat no?).

Still, no calls came, no one showed up. I packed myself back to the office, and at 3:30pm, a call came asking for directions to my office.

I provided the details, and in 5 minutes, they reached my doorstep, popped me a call proper, and I opened the door. That 2 rather cute chicks stood right in front of me.

Hiding as much as I could the temper that nearly erupted within that split second, I recomposed myself inside, invited them in, and offered them drinks. The best part? One of the girls saw me at the restaurant seated outside, LOOKING at them.

Wait, that's not the best part. They settled down, we started small pleasantries, and she asked me if they could preview some of my works. I was like... WTF?! Oh did I mention, in between making arrangements to meet, she sent me a message TELLING me to meet up so that she could answer MY queries. I mean, she didn't even tell me her plans! What am I supposed to fucking ask?

AND! She asked to preview my works whatever fuck for?!

I was so darn offended, I rebutted, "Oh, gee, I did so much work I'm not too sure what would be appropriate to show you girls at all! (big friendly smile)"

SHE had the fucking cheek to respond, "No problems, just show us whatever you've done!"

That was when vengeance mode kicked in. I flipped out my showreel, popped it into the DVD player, turned on the big widescreen LCD tv, and courteously offered, "Well, in that case, maybe I can show you some works I've done for TV and the film industry! (BIG BRIGHT SMILE)"

You know what she said? "So what's your latest work? Show us your latest work!"

At this point, I was caught so off-guard by her stupidity that I didn't know I should laugh it off, or simply show her the door. Trust me, that cutesy look of hers suddenly became plaster. I was akin Neo in Matrix looking through her in grids and falling alphabets and numbers, much like Cyclops burning through material in X-Men.

I gladly announced then, "My latest work? Gee. Did so much, but one of them was a film I did last December that won ALL the awards at the (undisclosed here) Film Festival! (HUMBLE, VERY FUCKING HUMBLE GRIN)" That is when she was finally impressed. She battered her eyes and gasp a little, which, I would assume, was quite unintentionally let out. IF, you know what I mean.

So for the next twenty minutes, I showed them some of my most powerful works, explaining that I deal lots in broadcast as well as a variety of music and their creators. For those who know me, I did work with some of the most amazing talents in the industry, although I gladly would just keep that to myself (seriously, in this current tone, don't blame me for being bitchy and overtly pompous please).

Then it happened. I jumped my biggest question: what was she (that girl who makes you slap your forehead a million times kind) looking me up for. Do you know what she said?

Do you fucking know what she said?

"Oh, as I've explained to you, we are a group of music enthusiasts, and we are actually looking for people to collaborate with to get some projects off the ground."

What were some of these projects?

A singing competition that is NON-PROFIT, and talents from there can win prizes from sponsors (potentials like me), and they will be promoted to the industry cos SHE personally feels that the quality of local programming sucked big time, and even those contracted artistes are not explored to their fullest potential because, mind you, BECAUSE our industry was small. AND! Mark my words and I translate, SHE feels that there are a lot of talents out there waiting to be discovered, AND SHE hopes to dig them out.

And who is she? Drum roll please...
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SHE, IS, none other, than the girl who comes from a music interest group. AND! SHE! wants to discover new talents, make them big, and overturn the Old Guards whom SHE thinks are not treating talent correctly.

So here's the big question: What am I good for? I asked her, she repeated her whole idea again. If I have ever spoken to any pea-brains, she's the only one.

The only one. I repeat: the only one. I'm sorry, can I rephrase that? I have never, EVER met CLEVERNESS in reverse.

I'm sorry, I just have to get it out of my system. It's like, it rained, you've got no umbrella, you got drenched, and the only shelter in reach is leaking in the roof, is flooded, and is already crowded.

I encourage new ideas, and I certainly would love to pledge my support to young people (mind you, she is probably in her late 20s). But if it's anything I detest, that's pure stupidity.

Then again, she ain't stupid. She's just a personification.

Oh, for those don't understand the word "personification", it comes from "personify", which describes the girl (see above).

She's really good. Emailed and messaged me in English, and asked if I could speak Mandarin. So our entire conversation was in Mandarin, which was tiresome, considering my vocabulary to insult her in her face was so damned limited. Hence, imagine my frustration double-folding throughout.

Ok, you guys can laugh like mad now, I don't mind. Pity me if you prefer, but just to let you know, I'm still willing to support the cause, just as long as I don't need to deal with her.

I'm not in entirety heartless, or devoid of a human side. Neither am I some great person abled and great to support any cause to its fullest potential, but why should those SHE has convinced over her plans suffer and not get help just because SHE herself is stupid in human form?

Loves, I think I've lamented enough. Shan't go on about this like forever. Time to sleep. The current project is taking a toll. Cheers.

ONCE EVERY TURN

If there was a following, I second the notion. Once every so rare, a good song makes it to the big screen, pondered over by the makers who cracked their heads feeling blindly a score that was never even started. More than 2 decades back, 2 did sit and make one: The Color Purple. This year, Dream Girls.




Believe me. Having been a big time anal music critic,
this has been one of the finer pieces.



The Color Purple.

WE START HERE

I'm in vengeance mode.

CiRCUS iN MOTiON

I've been too focused on too many things at a go, making me, very distracted. I flipped the YouTube channels again and again, searching for real good laughs, but still end up choking myself in my misery.

Then I finally decided to break. I allowed myself to grieve. I made time for despair, and eventually took a dive.

Fresh.

The kid who was so used to put a cool full front became a shell of his own demise. I threaded carefully for solutions but as far as the eye can see, I've been fooling no one but myself.

At the brink of shut, juggling between the dilemmas of acting and dramaticing, of cool-headedness and composure, it became a wide divide of crap.

I want to make it real good, but traumatic forces pushed me way back into the depths of make-believe. I need to garner enough strength to piss myself off and steam through it all, but always somehow stopped short of a full-blown effect. I've been waking up in sweats for the last few nights cos I just can't stop churning in the head for an easier way out.

There is no way out, except to blow a fucking hole in the wall and literally walk through it. So now? I'm pulling in more than enough explosives to do that.

Of hill-top views and menace-retreats, I'm heading out the door with a bang.

Plus me, or minus me, its a brand new feeling. I'm hating a lot of things now, and there ain't stopping me.