MODERATES

I've really nowhere else to rant, and no one else to rant to. So I'll just do it here, to grieve about how pathetic my entire situation plays all around me right now.

I got 2 messages from talents today asking for their chips over a job that happened this month. I don't have the funds, and was practically begging them to give grace. It felt so deceitful, yet, there was absolutely nothing I could do. I saw it coming, but what can I honestly say? And over the weekend, I'm expecting more calls or messages asking the same.

Now I seriously wonder how to survive this ordeal. On one hand, I can't keep getting investments. On the other, there's just simply no way to run a one man show with ease. I've got the vibes, but definitely not all that it takes. That inevitably points to a self-destruct mechanism dying to let go.

And with the business going on the downslide, its only a matter of time before I get fired, and compensation will reign on my ass. Then comes the credit - already slapped with slander for over a year, plus all that doors slamming in my face, I'm driven up the wall.

If that isn't enough, the last bout of misunderstandings between uncle and the folks deepened to a new depth. Mom's stepped up her deranged self-destructive mode, and dad's playing plain ignorance. The rest of the family seemed distraught at that development, but what they don't understand is how much pressure Mom exerted on me when they weren't around. I play listening ear, and pure target board when the rest strips off their niceties. To make matters worst, she's asking me, EVERY FUCKING MORNING, if I'm making money - after waking me up when I'm not even done with my sleep.

I am seriously contemplating moving into the office for a while. It hurts to be home, but hurts more not being here. After all, I was the rebel whom lobbied for family-life. Yet, I can't wait to see it fall apart and call it a day. It induces a negativity that distracts my sane thinking, and definitely intertwines the business altogether.

But who cares? Who seriously gives a damn about that bit? And whatever I think anyway? They don't care. So why should I?

2 bad days back, I suffered major chest pains. Got myself checked into the A&E, and was kept under observations for 6 hours. 6 FREAKING HOURS. Verdict: possible heart problems, or a really bad case of gastricis. I don't get it. If chronic bronchitis ain't enough, what else am I suppose to die with? Why not just fucking throw it all in, let me just die.

So sis paid for the consultation, and I'm supposed to see a Heart Specialist. How ironic. Heart was a song nominated for Song of The Year on CNET Asia. And I actually decided to quit smoking on Sunday, 2 days before I dropped with chest pains. Perhaps I failed to study the stars - iron must have been the lethal element this week for me.

And in an effort to diffuse the tension, the family sat down 2 days back to a long resolve. Yeah, it did some good, but it certainly changed my mind over many many things. My greater anxiety to solve the financial woes at the company was larger and more intense - and in my unsettled frame of mind, out of desperation, I offered a 20% share of the company's holdings for a mere fee, just so that I could sustain another month or two. Oh my goodness. I got to be crazy.

The offer wasn't taken up, perhaps to my advantage, but that means I'm left naked to fend for a company which had no real backing, except for my mere existence.

So what now? Die a certain death after a long hard fight? or should I just bring everyone down with me? The latter's tempting, for I am not afraid to be the greater devil to revenge my past evils. I'm so lost.

And with all these developments, I had to see how reality bites: somebody whom pledged allegiance to me before, has now pledged it somewhere else. All these blatantly announced on a blog. The news didn't come to me direct. And I have to see it for myself before I knew.

Everything's driving me nuts. Except one shining star that I can't count on, but is full of solace.

Just not too sure how long more I can hold on, especially when I don't have the doctor's dollar to see the heart, nor do I have the salary dollar to appease mom. Strangely, all that stress and lack of sleep could have triggered the chest pains. It's a certified possibility after all.

I need a way out. Feel so distant now.

I know how different this side of the blog has become as compared to the other side on tblog. What you all didn't know was: there's still one more lurking. I ain't telling.

BROKEN SOUL OF I

I don't get it. How can I possibly run into so much snags? If reputation ain't bad enough, I'm still deep in debt - working these days don't yield much at all... I ain't even yielding anything considering it's all used to try clear the backlogs.

WE NEED YOUR VOTE!

We need your help! Vote for Nightsound on CNET-Asia, and stand a chance to win a Nokia! Download the Studio Version of "Heart" for free too! What are you waiting for?

Support Nightsound! http://asia.cnet.com/music/promo/soty.htm

WEAK

I thought everything was cool - that things have cooled off without too much repercussions. But I was wrong.

Darn I'm always wrong. I don't understand why people can't ever leave me alone. Do they hate me that much or are they just jealous of me in some ways? I don't know. It hurts so damn bad to the point I don't even know what to feel anymore.

Who really loves me?

I know. Nobody.

Everyone's got an agenda. The more I hear things, the more I imagine things, the more I hate the world. The whole believe just shrank. Hope is bullshit and praying doesn't work no more, not at least for myself.

Redemption is broken. Neutrality doesn't exist no more.

Oh gosh. I can't even describe the hurt right now. It's really taking a grind on me, drilling deeper every minute I sit here.

I'm just gonna indulge in a hot shower. Maybe drown myself somehow in the process.

LAST NiGHT

Oh, real sorry about that last post. Think it got the better of me over nothingness. Nonetheless, till somebody complains, think I'll just leave it here.

DELiRiUM

I did cry in the office today. I thought it was supposed to make things better, feel lighter, and reduce the stress. But it didn't. I wanted so much to tell Angel ealier on, but I could not. The poor girl's so tired. Then I wanted to tell mommy, but she's got enough worries at the back of her head. I wanted to tell HH, but he's too young. I wanted to tell my sis, but she's too preoccupied with her own work. Nor can I tell brother, or sister, or dad cos that would be really embarassing when they all try to chip in to help. Not that I don't want help, but it's just difficult to be the baby brother all the time, crying in times like these.

So blog, I can only tell you, how much I want to cry cos everything just seemed to be collapsing around me. In fact, as I type, I'm crying, can't see the keyboard proper even. That I am so hurt by so many things, and I hate myself for being so strong for people but never once for myself.

I told HH that, as a boy, he must never cry. I told Angel before that I hardly cry. And I told everyone else that I've never cried since graduating from a baby. But I really can't stand it anymore. I'm so filled with angst, disappointment, fear and regret. And many more emotions I can't even begin to describe.

My horoscope says things would be better, that I would be in control. But I feel so dictated by my clients, my loves, my friends, my work. I feel I almost am a robotic answering machine that responds to everybody's needs except my own. I don't understand why.

To think back the days of Home, I thought those dark days would pass. That betrayal happens once and that's it. That hurt would be a one-time affair. But since the beginning of the year, nothing seems to be going in the right direction. Everyone around me that I've helped, have become better, and I'm still stuck here, digging my own grave, watching my own demise.

I hate being like this, blog, but I can't get rid of this feeling. I'm in so much pain and hurt. Wiping these tears away doesn't even make it any simpler. I thought after crying, it would lessen the pain. Perhaps it did. But the sorrow keeps building on upon itself like Rome.

It's 11:12PM at the studios, and I'm just trying to dump out some songs for the band's album that I've been working on. It sounds great and all, and I just hope I don't disappoint the boys at all.

I've actually stopped talking to god. Any god. I felt so cheated, but at the same time so blessed that they've helped me so much. I used to be so despised when I was a kid, and I prayed that one day, the people upstairs would make good of me. They used to call me names that hurt so much, and people thought I wouldn't amount to much. And for all that, the big guys eventually took it all away, gave me enough room to breathe, enough strength to carry on. But now, I don't want their help cos I've never given them anything, yet, I cannot stand on my own feet right now.

And I love mommy so much but I couldn't do anything to help her feel better. She's so sick and I feel so guilty that I can't even take care of her.

I just sit and cry. That's so silly of me, but I really can't help it anymore. Well, like they say, mind over body, I'm sure it be ok.

Ok. I think I've got a hold of the tears now. A few deep breadths that should do it. It's actually kind of dumb - sitting here crying and typing on you, it feels as if I'm writing a suicide note or bidding farewell to loved ones. Dramatic, and to think I'm actually in the media line. Emotional or not, I think I'm going overboard.

Dear blog. If you have the power to predict my future, would you tell me what will eventually become of me? I really want to make enough money to buy mommy a big house, get her to recover in peace. And give daddy a well-deserved rest. He's been working since young, never stopped once. When uncle had him out the company, he had to drive a bus to earn his own pocket money. And I couldn't give him a cent. I felt quite useless.

So dear blog, would I also be youthful? So that my loves can remember me the way I am right now, cos they think I look great these days after Home, and that I've become better. And they don't despise me like my friends used to cos they found me uncool and ugly. I just wish I stay this way so that I can be wanted.

Okay blog, I gotta clear up a little so that I don't sound too nasal when my baby calls and finds out I've been crying. I guess it did work, that crying does help you feel silly over all these things.

Maybe I'll tell you more later.

UPDATiNG

I think the problem of slow postings here stamps from having too many blogs, too much work, too little time, and definitely, bloggable materials. Ambition is one thing, but I came to realise how unfocused it became.

Plus, the extra work to reprint posts from one to the next can be, honestly, tedious to the max when one fails and the other cranky.

Anyway, will try to update this consistently. Meantime, get the latest from tblog side.

FLiGHT 901

So what's been happening lately? This blog is so stale I can smell the bad breadth of the fungus growing on it.

One thing I like about blogspot (blogger) in general is its user interface: interactive and definitely friendly. Just short of some form of visible human traffic - doesn't quite feel like a community center.

Anyways, till I have more things to floor, I suggest reading tblog's side of things first.

OUR WORLD WiTH A SMiLE

It's strange, after making a few rounds on the internet did I realise how slow some blog sites have become, some even defunct - just a shard of memory from years ago. Not too sure if it was the work of time, or just simply dying hearts.

Regardless, smile. Cos the sun still shines for now.

SAViNG GRACE

Just because of pride, there are people who are actually willing to belittle others, or simply, pull together sizeable advantage to be appeased. I mean, what do they get out of placing themselves in the limelight and then downing others?

Satisfaction. Gratification. And definitely definition of their sick, perverse ideologies over what their diminished concept of embracing equilibrium and eliminating dominion of egoes would be.

I ain't a fighter and definitely not a peacemaker. Like a true blue streetkid, I think being given attention is already an extra bonus, somewhat a lottery-winning kind of feeling. Plus the fact that somebody actually decides to engage you in some ways useful is almost like being the F7 key on the keyboard that is finally being pressed.

So tell me. How many times have you ever used the F7 key? Or are you the F7 key?

Because, if the F7 key is unimportant to you, then you probably don't value what others can do. But if you're the F7 key, I salute you: you're configurable, yet not vying for attention, even though you are somewhat the humble kind.

My dear cyberspacemen, I love my job, and I love seeing young, inquisitive minds at work, hungry for new things everyday. And I gladly give what I can offer to feed that hunger - I guess making too many mistakes make you more obvious towards intangible things that protude like the F7 key.

And if you're telling me it's a group project, it's teamwork, it's having to do it together, know this - if you ever complain about some others who aren't cooperating, perhaps you have to ask yourself why aren't you instead.

I read in the papers last night, one of those gossip papers that paint the world in a myriad of colors more vibrant than a Picasso: a father-son team who terrorised an entire block of residents - the father strips and exposes himself to any female human, the son steals women lingerie, ejaculates into them, and returns them promptly.

And it went on for a year.

Now, either the team is lucky and somewhat quite welcomed to do what they are doing, or the residents are purely not very cooperative, but somewhat selfish, thinking others will do the reporting and stop the nonsense. For me? I would have gathered my friends, catch the fabulous two, tie them up nude at their main doors, and get an old (really old) prostitute to expose herself to them for a full hour. And each time they get an erection, we'll slap the erection till it dies down, keep repeating the process till they can't stand it anymore. Make it 2 hours.

I really don't know which to laugh at, or to feel disgusted at: the perverts, or the residents.

OMG. ONE FULL YEAR OF RAMPANT PERVERTIC BEHAVIOUR! I think the residents are more perverse to let it actually happen to them for that long.

Now tell me - have you done a check on yourself lately? Are you the real person, or are your saying others are unreal?

GULLiBLE

Who's to say we're this or that? For that matter, what ever happened to being critical? It's like, these days are filled with hypocracies narrowed down to plain banter of complete unimportance that is immersed in pure diplomacies and niceties.

I love Chinatown for that complete reverse reason: people are real, I don't see fancy theatrics that makes me nauseous, and certainly put up with no pretense. Yes, there could be luxury cars and the occasional flauntings, but think about it: they are real people doing real human things, regardless if they are of the good or the bad kinds.

So today I sat down for dinner at my favourite coffeeshop, ordered my usuals, teasing the lady taking orders about needing a menu and recommendation when thereafter, quite innocently, I ordered something else. And later on, she went on about collecting soda can rings so that she could exchange for a wheelchair to be donated to the Old Folks' Home. Such kindness in pure life without the limelight.

I'm sure you and me don't even match up, so quit whining about not knowing what to have for lunch tomorrow when many others don't ever get to choose.

And so, I reflected like a droplet against the mirror, watching myself crash and splatter in complete fantasy, then laying still until the mirror tilts a vertical, and I begin to dribble off it.

This is when I begin to wonder about some people around me that are filled with niceties in a suit and tie or a dress with pretty pleats. The astrocity to speak of the beautiful came suddenly full of hidden agendas and motivations.

By the way, if you find this wordy, well I've always been. You're more than welcomed to finish this line of thoughts and rebutting in your own unique ways.

Coming back, I was told about a friend who went cold with another. And this friend felt hurt because it seemed to be an own-doing, which I, of course, fiercely refuted having sufficient reasons to do so. My friend's a darling, how could such things ever happen, I questioned myself. Now it all falls into place - complete pretense in the most subtle manners anyone can afford to make do with.

Which inevitably brings me to a level above my knees weak in standing up against ill-intents - I now see further and deeper, and I begin to release myself from the grasp of use. I ever regretted some actions, but I would stand by them: Real People lived a Real Life.

I think I am real enough.

So this goes out to one specific person: if you are sorry, don't just say it. Show it and be it. I hate people using and throwing.

MODERATES

It's been raining, and it hasn't been helping with the emotions much. For one, it added on to the already fragile health conditions, and has definitely piled on a heavier mood than usual. Gone are the days when I loved the rain for its weird sensations.

It's splattering outside again, and I seriously hope it stops soon. Heavens has lots to cry about, but for this boy here, I think I need some encouragement more than anything else.

I've been weighing pretty heavy in the heart. Hope something picks me up soon.

EXPiRY

Everyone comes with one, and that includes me too. And today, I expired from being an Angel.

BLUE BEASTIAN

I've found myself to be a whole lot more calm these days - in terms of making decisions or listening to ideas. It's becoming increasingly difficult for me to jump on something and just say go: it's become more rational, more logical, more sensible. Okay, sounds like growing up, but to put it simply, older people can be dead stupid sometimes. Reversals usually occurs so.

Migration.

RED BEASTIAN

I'm very put off today, and to think wearing red underwear curses and blesses - even without I can be so hammered by some people! Okay okay, jokes aside, I'm idling at the office so decided to whine here a little.

I'm a little wasting my time for the moment cos I'm trying to figure out how to respond to a ridiculous demand. Nonetheless, I think coming up with a solution is instant, but coming up with a NEAT solution would be quite intricate. Either way, I think I've got a good idea! Will report soon~!

HEAT BEASTIAN

Okay, I think the tbloggers are getting really intense over my posts, so I'm seeking shelter here for the time being. But if you're interested, check it out by clicking the title anyway.

It's funny how people can be so intrigued by titles and strange posts, it is almost like a phenomenon, where something is posted, and celebrity-attention engulfs it. I am a self-professed attention seeker outright, but I'm too private a person to even need a second look when I don't need it.

Either way, I soon discovered that extreme posts make people stay and hang around much more than laments or idle-talk. It does not matter if it was good or bad news, as long as it is extreme, you win.

Nonetheless, I haven't been able to update my blogs as proper as I would have hoped for, save the fact that I'm putting more thoughts into thoughts for that extra memory-effect. Oh well, cyberspace, for once, I think I will leave you for the most incredible adventure of my life! Hope I come in with some neat news later tonight!

Cheerios!

HEART BEASTIAN REDUX DUX

But do you even care?

HEART BEASTIAN REDUX

Loug'rev vu rejp'oe klaus:jif opr-etis ju'Ohev. Plorev juse'wia kilurv mog ouf vu ye'su-et hulo'yux kol:jid amouz-l p'er kuxl bielamoau ty'vcax vu nujic-xe juse'wia muclio-serozial.

And therefore, Beastian died of the ache that no longer breathes its longing. But before he even tried, a period of silence took over, leaving the vision clear as day, contrast like light in the dark, making the whole world spin before it in a slow motion.

And Heart Beastian died of his heartache that he spent his entire lifetime looking for its love, but eventually looking at the stars and asking - why.

REQuired REVISION

Po'Lesto Et Hiuma OiLeay 'Ut :Cest'V

WHEN IT HEALS

Take me, if you ain't gonna give me what you tied me in together.

TRUE FaITH

I've been trying to decide how to make my way up to see Jerry (of course, that being the official reason to take that trip anyway). Been checking up on airlines to car rentals, lodging to travel times, just about everything I can think of for preps, but nothing seemed to come across right. I would love to take a drive, but 5 hours?! That's quite tough even for a mildly seasoned driver like me.

Still, I must make this trip. I feel it in my bones that it is important, though I still cannot quite put my finger on. It doesn't matter what comes or what goes, as long as I get there to do what I intend to do there, I think I'll live happily ever after.

And of course, I'm sure Den will be glad.

THE SWEETEST THING

The sweetest thing was when you shed a tear for me when I could not pick myself up.

KINGFISHER

Do you know why Kingfishers have such vibrant blue? So that they match the blue skies when they fish.

How fascinating is nature?

And how fascinating is your love? That has bound me so closely ever since Day one. I'm beginning to hate you for that love spell.

SO SHOOT ME

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LONG

How much longer do I need to carry the facade on one end, and yet have no where to release all the tension on the other? The suspense killed me, the impatience buried me, the pretence slaughtered me, the heart ended me.

Tell me again, why there should be, or could be, or would be anything at the end of this road worth waiting for?

I stood up against tyranny today to completely be appeased.But restless I remained. I need to get moving soon before it rains hell-fire. Perhaps, the sign is given and the flare is lit: it's almost time.

TODAY

Was the same thing. Nothing interests me. Nothing, except that imagery of holding my baby in my arms by the lake on a full-moon night.

I noticed a dip in stamina. In fact, a drastic drop. I have been breathing heavily recently, not too sure if it's cos of that, or just fatigue. It doesn't matter really, cos if I don't see my baby, nothing really matters.

BLACK AND WHITE

Seems like I'm stuck in a monotone - what is there to add a dash of colors to when everything else stagnates, not because we stopped, but because we are being tied down?

I didn't see anything interesting today, except to look myself in the mirror and imagining you in my arms.

SAPPHIRE SKY

Sapphire Sapphire
We Thread This Thin Wire
We Thread It Way High Up The Sky
Yet We Don't Even Know Why

And When The Time Ensues To Be At The Perfect Place
We Stop In Our Steps, Take In That Perfect Grace
I Wish We Would Be Here, Frozen In Time
You In My Arms, Under Sapphire Sky

SOME PEOPLE DIDN'T BELIEVE IN YOU OR ME

And it's really sad.

It's been a constant distraction and I can't seem to shake it off at all. The start line has already passed and I can't see the end line being drawn at all. All I can imagine right now is what the end line is like, and I believe in it so whole-heartedly that I almost thought it was real.

The package arrived today, but the recipient wasn't there to receive it. What's worse, he's outta town. So it goes, after rushing to send it, and having spent like ten times more to speed up the courier, we end up back at square one - a timely delivery, but no recipients. Great.

I'm eager to find out if the package actually arrived intact: for one, I never trusted the postal services a full hundred, and definitely not the way they handle it when it changes hands. So now I gotta wait till the recipient returns before getting the verdict.

It's been drizzling sporadically, much the way I feel. I hope the feeling subsides sooner cos it's really dragging me down.

AND I TOO

..would be without the love that I deserved. How much longer can one actually stop from being so overly persistent in waiting for that one, true, one?

I asked myself so many times for the last few days, but each time I fall deeper into it. It was almost as if nobody else mattered, and nothing else is needed. But if it was true, what is destined, will be. What not, will not be.

----------+----------

And Old Bill chose to spend one more day on earth. As he spoke, the Gates disappeared, and the angel stretched his wings wide: the wings seemed to spread infinitely into the skies, and as he looked up, light spewed forth from every direction, and Old Bill felt as if being sucked into a hurricane. The next thing he need, he was back in his kitchen with the phone in his hand. The cocoa spilled but the cup was still intact from the fall.

Paul answered the phone, "Hey Bill, is that you?"

"Yeah, and I think I had a heart attack Paul. Could you come over?" "Alright Old Bill! You hang in there, I'll call for help but you keep relaxed. Be right over!"

Minutes later, an ambulance arrived. The paramedics took a good look at Old Bill, and sent him to the town hospital. Paul arrived moments later, and although Old Bill was alright, he could not help but still feel worried.

"Oh Bill, what can I do to make you better?"

And a whole night of conversation went on. Paul slept beside Old Bill's bed when they got tired, but all this time, Old Bill was just happy to be alive, at least for a day.

Old Bill was discharged the next morning, and Paul decided to stay by his side for the rest of the day. As they chatted more endearingly, Old Bill kept praying that he could just have more time. Alas, at that exact same hour, Old Bill had another heart attack, and this time, he knew his time was up.

What happened next was exactly the same as it happened the first time - Old Bill woke in the plains, and the angel called out to him. Paul rushed Old Bill to the hospital to no avail; the angel asked Old Bill, "Well, Old Bill. What has changed? Are you content?"

To which, Old Bill nodded sadly, and tears welled in his eyes.

The angel laughed, "Silly Old Bill! Do not cry, for Paul lives and will remember you, as you were, alive!" With that, the clouds cleared again and revealed the magnificent Gates. The Gates opened slowly, and inside, great tapestry lined the walls of gold and silver, and the huge halls were nothing short of being furnished with the most incredible jewels Old Bill had ever seen.

"Come, let us go inside for the finest cocoa this hall can offer!"

TAKE MY HAND

Won't you just take my hand, walk my way, and we will find the sweetest place! To fall in love yet again... Over and over till our time fills and ends the day.

And I just found out that the internet is crawling with useless products that probably don't need? Instead, you get to buy bombs and radioactive materials, little accessories which are a pure waste of time, and equipment that only a space shuttle will require?

Try searching for something so mundane and you end up with historical archives and writings, theories, subject matters, and everything else all except - that thing.

Cyberspace, I'm beat. Need sleep. Good night.

*Blogspot Exclusive:

I hate to admit but being desperately in love, being hopelessely in love can be so...wonderful. It is a torture when hands don't hold, and definitely a pain when hearts don't beat. But there you go: reality gets the better of everything, every time.

Now if you could, tag me and show me some love, cos love is that one thing money honestly cannot buy.

SKINS

This BlogSkin thing is really getting to me! LOL

PYRO

I should be in the movies. I think I can really act. I think I can win an award for my trying on the role of that happy-go-lucky. I think I'll get my make over done to don on the covers of magazines. I think I'll make the perfect villain for a cheesy B-Grade film. I think I am quite smart for a dead-end script. I think I would prepare my acceptance and thank you speech for my awards ceremony. I think I thought I was thinking too much.

Facts caught up with me today when I sat at the usual coffee shop sipping drink slurping lunch - broke and completely unsustainable. Today's Vesak Day, what, honestly, can I ask?

Health to strengthen my batteries so that I can screw up more? Longetivity so that I can see how bad I eventually do? Wealth so that I don't need to work so hard and start praying for health or longetivity? Or should I plain ask why.

Why I've got the most precious of things on this earth, yet unable to fulfill them. I'm a thing too, and I'm precious. But. So?!

2 souls cried today - one over love, the other over love. I saw one, heard the other. All because of love. The honey sap that turned bad.

----------+----------

The continuation of my parcel story: went straight up to the lady behind the counter, "I want a box." Paid, then loaded my stuff in wrote the address, went up to another lady behind the counter, "I want to send this parcel." She received it, and I asked next, "How soon?" That's when she said, "1 to 3 working days starting from Monday."

Great. So getting it to the post office getting the parcel registered getting the fastest mode of mailing getting it quite expensively and getting it all out taking me close to half an hour, all just to have it arrive earliest next Monday. Just great. Looks like the weekend's squandered. Sorry box.

I think I'm sleepy...

Yeah I think I am.

ILLUSION

*Exclusive on BLOGSPOT: this is the toughest blog to manage since tblog... screwed up my settings like the upteenth time and yet, layout's still wrong...grr...

Picked this word up from the song, "Praise", originally written by Mario some time back, which I took, arranged, recorded, and performed on. I just like the last bit though, it's just somewhere between wanting to do it and not doing it.

And Colin + Kero... cute mah! Cherisse say not cute...

I stole some time out of today to stone a little, wipe the mind blank, and just to forget I am alive. Whenever it feels the uphill journey's gonna crash, I'll withdraw into a stage of holes, where every step is a risk of falling through. Reasons aplenty to do just that today, not because work took a toll, I mean, it sort of did? But I think it's all about emotions. If I can put emoticons here for today's, it be one of rainbow in a thunderstorm.

Came to realise the fundamental theory of being - we're born hungry. Just that. It's all about filling the tummy and switching off. Challenge me on that.

Courteously called an express company today to send a parcel out, asked like a hundred questions, queried another thousand ifs, then told me this: they can't sent negotiable items. And what's that you ask? I was trying to send some CD's and fashion accessories out. And did I hear you ask why can't they send those? The answer is: they can't send negotiable items. Are you wondering like me about why they can't make an exception? The reply was: they can't send negotiable items. So what's negotiable items? They told me they are the items I was trying to send. And why can't they send negotiable items like CDs and accessories? Simple: cos they are negotiable items. Right. Ask this company again and they'll probably tell you, "Dunno How La!"

So I searched other express companies, and apparently you can't send things like (mind you, they are actually in the company policies and government laws): Explosives (duh), Perishables (double duh), items with values higher than their original purchased values (DUH DUH DUH - like what?! shit?!), and it's like this whole long list of duh items. Ok. Maybe I'm ignorant about the laws, the regulations, the policies and whatever other rules there are, but I JUST WANT TO SEND A PARCEL!

So I came up with this idea of getting my friend to send it right, and I asked how much can I pay him to do it. Trust me, I might as well fly there myself. So I figured why not just pay a cab and get it driven just bloody delivered, then my friend said, "yeah right, he takes the money and the parcel, drives halfway through, dumps it out the cab, and goes home." Good point there though. So I finally settled, snail mail. Urgent, but, what choices do I have?

Anal. Dunno How La!

I thought this Easy-Black color scheme softens the white impact a little, easier on the eyes, and softer on the tones. Then again, what eyes and what tones?!

17,+++ Visitors since nobody-knows-when. So now have lucky draw! The 20,000th visitor will win:
(Drum roll)
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100 tBucks! So start telling all your friends about it!

PERFECCION

How is it like to love a mirror image? I queried the online love matches on astrology: what's it like to love someone like yourself?

Strangely, it's explosive!

I woke this morning with a slight snag in my back, apparently been sleeping on stuff that I've been throwing all over bed, and they just stayed there. And here I am, lamenting about it.

Someone said I didn't sound resigned enough, and I asked how it should sound like. Then this whole black, white, grey thing all came up, and kinda went nowhere. I think I'm just trying to waste some time here to make it seem worthwhile staying online for tonight.

A big package is going out later, and I'm just not too sure how to send it. Hmm.

I need color.

BLACK

You blacked my world.

It seems I caused a bit of civil unrest in real life via the last post - relax. I'm a peaceful being ;) Just don't let me see the select few and I should be as well behaved as a trained pup.

----------+----------


I walked out of the train station today and saw 2 blind people walking out the lift, sticks in hand, holding one another... but people just shunned from their paths.

At lunch, I sat at the coffeeshop people watching, saw this old man across the street, staggering in small steps to keep moving.

I heard about a boyfriend getting caught in bed today with someone else.

I was told about an incident involving molest.

I recalled how poverty kills.

And how jealousy spills.

I...
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I learnt to stop crying at the age of 18, when I was ushered into the bus and sent to the camp. Crying, no matter how muted, how private, how soft, how hurt, how little, I never did ever since.

I learnt to grow up from being a spoilt street brat and moving on to becoming one of the more reliable people around.

I learnt to forgive myself for being selfless, and for giving more than asked for.

I finally learnt what peace will be.

And I, would still like to... many things.

----------+----------


I've always liked black and white.

6TH

I think I finally succumbed to my mental tortures - it's a whole mental meltdown far worse than watchin Chernobyl right in front of my eyes, or a fledging passenger flight dashing into the WTC. Cyberspace never felt this good cos everything else is factual, nothing else is real; and nothing is ever factual, and all things become unreal.

I spoke to the table today and it said it got tired of standing; the chair said likewise; the bed had it worse: it can't sleep within itself.

I also made up my mind - I'm leaving. For sure. It'll only be a matter of time. I can no longer comprehend the vastness of people taking advantage of people, nor can I truly appreciate how much sincerity is now worth. I gave my heart, but the world consumed it like some dark evil character in an anime picture that freezes over a spot of light. Such irony - when you feed yourself with pure white hopes, and the return key shows you on-screen the bleakiest picture ever.

Jean, I need a shrink. I mean it.

And then, hope stood between choices and decisions. Which do you go for? Truth? or go down with a fight? I fucking hate them. And by them, yeah, I meant those who helped pushed and zipped my devious plan to paint a beautiful picture of love.

I hate them.

To the core.

I hate them. I really do. So much so I'll remember the 6th for the rest of my fucking life, which honestly, won't be too long.

Tell me about karma? I'll tell you about real life. I walk the streets every day looking at impossibles being done; I read in the news till I'm sick of the media; I hear stories till I find myself vomitting and falling cancerously sick; and what then? Tell me about karma? I'll tell you what survival does to a man.

He kills to live and swears to defend; threatens to get and loves just so to be forgotten. So ask me about real life again, no, don't even try asking me what love is. Try asking me about real life, and you see me, a real living person trying to survive.

I don't know what got into me. Really. I wish I knew, but it seems finding out why doesn't really matter anymore for I find no use for information of facts and figures, uninteresting, disruptive, and even irritating at his very moment in time, much like an active volcano that is purely uninterested in who lives below or what tide it'll bring.

Dear divined: You put me here today to suffer the wrath of what I have done before. Yet, you give me the best things I've ever had in this life. You torment my weak soul and break my mental strength. Please. Let me breathe. I need to breathe. I need to breathe.

And no matter what excuses, elaborations, reasons, or words said about my poor old zipper, I hencforth hold the 6th tormentingly haunting in my head.

I live a real life. Are you living a real life?

For those who frequent, not that I do not support your cause, but cyberspace has been a dear friend for many years, and I honestly don't want myself to be abused any further with forceful anticipation or reception. The spectacle of a hated fallen comrade wields great emotional powers that may eventually bring grief, but who else's gonna cry you a tear when your comrade dies.

I want to leave.

All the things that you might rememeber,
And all that hurts you cannot recover...
Some things were not meant to endeavor,
And the reason starts to blur altogether...
That is what life be - REQ

STRANDED

OMG. I cannot concentrate. I'm missing my medication. I need help. D.C. will help. Only thing that will help.

GET

Hurt can be measured by what someone says, especially when more words in the vocabulary are being used. As far as it cares to go, hurt can become overly manipulative, obsessive, and somewhat perverse.

Take me for example, I hate to be questioned if I've been hurt; yet I cannot sit still or just toss in bed to sleep it away. And my best weapon against ill-emotions is to throw it all in a song.

But fact is, hurt is only mere words stringed together to form a nonsensical passage of time. And this time can be better utilised in terms of energy translation and pure diversion of interests; and by interests I mean people, things, hobbies, activities and so forth. Hence, if it can be measured, what is your quotient, say, as compared to joy or excitement?


----------+----------
The last message I received was at 4:01PM. And was I doing? Sleeping. And why was I sleeping? Good question.

HILL

It's strange - not that I'm complaining but tblog can use a decent updating system. It's been a rather trying time to access and update, and for a faithful subscriber like me, it's getting quite tough to keep myself here.

But fact is, it's getting harder to blog. Not that I don't have the time, but it's just one of those periods you suddenly feel like there's nothing to blog about, talk about, or even think about.

Something big came up lately, and by all good, I'm very impatient to get a hold of it, make sense of it, and even just be with it. I know it ain't going to be easy, but somehow it gave a brand new direction, a brand new motivation, even a proper introduction and initiation.

And I'm talking about D.C. with a lot of affiliations and emotions attached. It's like, suddenly, a rock can nail a wall in, and a sponge can hold a house up.

Such a major force is god-like - you waltz into the party like a superstar or get whizzed into the mountain summits like some VIP on a speed and steroids concoction.

It's kinda rare these days that I have any premonitions about my own future and those of others - perhaps I so chose to block it out and not be so hung up about it, or perhaps it just doesn't come anymore. But I think I just don't wanna know. I really don't, but one came.

Did I mention that I hadn't had sun for a while now. I love the sun - for the years I've been keeping myself in dinghy dark studios, this is like revenge. Anyways, this was started like 8 hours ago, but I guess I took my time. What's happening with everyone else?

AND WHEN THE WORLD DON'T UNDERSTAND

You do.



Aquarians have this perculiar sense of being themselves. They can't seem to adjust to conformity and certainly cannot withdraw themselves from ambiquity. It's like talking to a wall on a mundane day, and meeting the volcano on New Year's Eve. The most horrednous trait - they know!

At different stages in life, we see a shift in believes and self-fulfilling prophecies. Some make good of life, others thrash the very fabric of living. And it tears away on some very strong-willed goals that, once achieved wields no sense of satisfaction or gratification, or once failed, embroils a whole brewery of excuses, explanations, or reasons. But whatever's the case, life isn't the bitch.

And so I heard this really incredible love story of living, hatred, forgiveness, betrayal, and repetition. I mean, not that I detest or emphatise, least of all feel the guilt of standing shoulder to shoulder to be called a victim or the murderer, it instead opens a bigger option of not doing it at all.

Even though, sporadically at different time, certain characters present themselves worthwhile of understanding and realising a situation we're in, no one, and I therefore conclude, not one single person can fully comprehend the vastness of experiences and reasons to indulge in someone else's life, when they have one of their own, or when they do not, they cannot be bothered simply because their own is not worth anything to themselves.

Do you ever notice how the mouse scroll button take you to the bottom of the page no matter how little you scroll - after 2 touches, you're at the bottom. This is a parallel to falling victim to "Trying to Understand". You get to the bottom of it yet have no idea why you're there in the first place. So why fanthom anything at all when what matters most is yourself?

True, because you can care less. Not true because you're Aquarian, the all-round people's people, the powerhouse of freedom, and the victim of philosophies.

Take the everyday street person, the mofos, the weirdoes, the beggar - none make the mark of girly subway travel of life simply because no such thing ever existed for humankind, yet, a natural thing to every other living organism. How so? A leopard stalks its prey - if it gets it, it feeds, if it doesn't it moves on to the next. But the common man? He fails, he complains, he succeeds, he indulges. Was there one person in this world ever the first fine example of nature? Ghandi? Alexander? Lincoln? van Gogh? Weegee? Who did they want to benefit and exemplify? Other human beings.

And thus goes the threadworks of nature. Yet, this is where repairs are tried and tested on - Aquarians come to the rescue. Die tryin, it doesn't matter. Just die trying.

So when it gets to careers, they can't settle; when it gets to family, they need to embrace; when it gets to love;

They wait.

They can be blinded, and then, they'll wait.

So goes the story of Romeo and his beloved Juliet in a web of dumb mis-communication. Throw them a pair of mobile phones and see if the dumb tragic ever happens. Yet, it happened, and it happens. Simply because Aquarians cannot live without the sense of being lonely and out of love - the very condition that tears "gots" and "haves" yet gives rise to the very cosmopolitan space and time we're so familiar with. I never believed in suburbs and dainty towns; backward or not, it's always the same.

A farmer romps his pigs cos they were not producing at all. For ten mornings he stuck to his routine but still saw no results. By then, he was exhausted, and he decided to give up. The next morning the pigpen were a din - the pigs wanted the farmer! Nature at its best.

So when love came to town, what did the Aquarian say? He said he is crazily in love. And when life came to town, what did the Aquarian do? She celebrated her rebirth.

-------+-------

A man found himself shot in his chest during a freak gunfire showdown between the police and the local hoodlum. He collapsed on the floor and breathe easy, hoping someone would come his way and to his aid. He closed his eyes briefly and prayed, yet the shot rang loud in his ears.

As he pressed against his chest with excruciating pain, he remembered he was Aquarian, got up, and started making his own way to the hospital. Limping with all his might, and supporting himself with walls and pillars along the way, he made it to the doctor who operated and removed the bullet within the hour.

2 days after, he went home as if nothing went wrong, yet proud he survived, and showed off his scars to all his friends.

Then it happened again, deja vu, same spot, same place, same gunshot. He collapsed, and got up soon after, made his way down to the doctor, and survived yet again. Because he was Aquarian.

Twice he was shot, and twice he survived. Yet not one day was he happy about that - he was angry that the police could not clean their acts up, and the hoodlum couldn't control their operations; the residents weren't minding their business, and the government had certainly forgotten about them.

Then, an idiot came along, cleaned up the place, florished the economy, and made good all things nice. Barely 5 years and the place became the number one tourist haven - to which, the man was not happy. Because now he is lonely, and nobody cares. Because he was Aquarian.

What pleases Aquarians? Good question. No answer is the answer so that they can jolly well go look for or somehow come up with the answer. That pleases Aquarians.

-------+-------

Isn't it strange that love can take a beating because gut feelings say so? I heard this story and I went wild. Then I asked, to what price do we pay to pursue the one? And if fate says not, what would you do then?

And I finally understood what another friend said about his feelings for someone - that aching that was of never meant to be situation. That he finally found his one love, that he could never be with. And that, to him, was true love. To be by his love, yet, not to be with his love.

Then there was this other theory of basic needs: a girl friend said she had fallen in love, yet she could not say and could not love because it was not meant to be. Because she was not good enough. And because she was not Aquarian.
<
What then is real love? I conclude - is when it is unrequired and unacquired. For when you love, you throw too much in to get out. And when you get out, you don't love no more. Therefore, you will always love when you're in love. Unless otherwise, then it is not real love.

Hence the ultimate question is: were you ever in love? or did you ever loved? Or are you just playing along?

-------+-------

I couldn't post the picture of the party cos the ones in my camera were quite limited. So for those who did take some, please send them to me thank you!

I wish there's some kind of blackboard service for people to scribble notes yet they are all saved somewhere on the WWW. Ha~ guess not.

So till I get some more pictures, all I can say is that the party was a blast! Ha.

FRESH

Yeah, this is how busy I've been - Human Resource, Finance, Operations, Marketing all need to have a say:


HOW?!

Finally made it down to the beach today, and it was awesome! Caught intermitten sunshine, but was glad to be there for even a mere 3 hours! Of course, there's the usual hiccups...


Bored, but plainly never able to enjoy the peace...


Cos the dude in the next seat couldn't stop munching...


Offers NOTHING, yet still poses for the cam?!

But honestly, really fantastic to hit the beach again, though I didn't quite manage to get the tan. And the best part:


Back at the office all nice and relaxed! HA!

Incredible news today too! Angel passed her driving test and guess what? I got a little tweet at Sakae!


So sweeeeeeeeeet of her~! Ow...


Many Many Sushiiiiiii!!!


Tomorrow's a big day! Or should I say later's gonna be fun! The stars say all alignments are right, the almanac says all systems will go, and friends say they are all coming!


And therefore, I'm a Happy Puppy!

Nighty cyberspace!

FOOD

Was at the FHA today with my sister, I mean, not like I know what's going on but it was kinda eye-opener in some ways. Then again, what's an audio creative doing at a F&B event?


And this, is carved from fruits and vegetables. Amazing.


Another attempt. Liked it cos...


It has a huge dragon carved into a melon!


And guess what? We met the Awamori Queen! She's like this huge legend because she beat every other contestant for drinking the most Awamori! FYI, Awamori's a rice wine. And we tried it - potent. Very.


Still, fun filled day ending with a nice chill out cuppa at my fav hang out down at The Heeren. And my faithful Zippie by my side!


And my faithful fan by my side!


And my faithful cam ON my side! LOL

And that's all about Thursday. Looking forward to the little party on saturday. Hope it churns out memories than nightmares! :P

STREET SCENE

Got this along the way home tonight:



Was listening to a really old CD on the way back, a song called "Age of Consent" by New Order. Wow. The remix was just great. Wish I could put the video with the music and you'll know what I mean.

Was turning out from the side roads when I saw this really bad accident at the cross junction. And there I was, behind the wheel and pondering again how short life really is. We've heard it all before, but hey, can't stop a good old truth. Then, I remembered Godpa's teachings at last year's Cleansing at the temple - we live for 500 years, yet, of all the things we do and say, we determine our lifetime. Point being, it's just in our hands.

So much for thinking I'm normal.
--------------+--------------

I picked up a line of thoughts lately. And been feeling queasy about it.

(I was having all these great stuff in my head to put on the blog, until I was interrupted by 3 phone calls I couldn't put down immediately. Now, just lost it. Darn)

Gonna go grab a bite and a drink and a smoke.

(Leaves room)

(Comes back uninspired)

There you go.
--------------+--------------

Okay okay. Maybe I should just fill you in on my fear:

What if they show up? I can't figure out what the best response would be. And I certainly wouldn't want to say something mean at the spur of the moment.

Just don't show up. Please.
--------------+--------------

And suddenly, the light in the room dims. I couldn't make out the table and chair, nor the door handle at best. I wanted to move over to the light - familiarity is not scary - but I pondered: why bother when there's really no need to?

The world will light up as soon as you begin to understand it.

Goodnight cyberspace. I have exactly 2 days to: go FHA with my sis, go buy more chairs, stock up on drinks, stock up on munchies, get the broadband working, prepare lengthy scripts, iron my clothes, and go tan.

Tell me. Who had gone missing? Goodnight cyberspace. Goodnight.

SPAMMED

Forgive me but I just cannot comprehend how people can spam someone else's site for the sake of it. I mean, let's not talk about egoes or angst here, but objectively, calling names and hurling insults, online or in person, is just so uncalled for.

So here today, I surfed a site, and someone tagged like "your mother this, your father that". I was like... ya noe? DIAOZ?! It's not childish, but it's plain brainless vengefulness? Not trying to be hero but if there's something this person is unhappy about, talk it out.

I remember this time when a salesperson called me up like for the upteenth time, and I told her straight, over the phone, that she's called me way too many times, and that I wasn't interested in her products. She got a little mad and I was like angry too, and she started telling me it's her job and all and that I don't need to be harsh, and I was like you're being pesky. And the best part, she hung up on me. LOL. But reflecting on that, her job stress became a weapon that she chose to wield quite unsavorably in the heat of the moment. And all she needed was a listening ear.

Much like the dude who was spamming and spitting incredible expletives. You just need a ear, and I think there are people willing to listen.

---------------------+---------------------

I think I've put in place quite a bit to actually ease up a little. Was thinking of heading to the beach but I just couldn't find company. Gonna do a little coin tossing tomorrow morning.

LOOK

The reason why I can be such a softie is really (and honestly) cos the people around me are just simply too adoring, and definitely doting on me. I just clicked on my visitors list, and HL came up somewhere on the list, and somehow listed me as an "old friend", out of 4 rare links. OMG. Thank you :`)

And that my horror-scope's been rather realistic, telling me to break some old habits, so indeed I shall. For all its worth and all the visitors that I can channel to you, those who have me linked, you're now linked back! (Didn't do so previously cos I just wasn't sure if you would be happy with me doing that).

So cyberspace, listen up! Some of the links point to really fabulous blogs that I have stayed faithful to till this day. Perspectives are wide, and expletives are rampant on a few, but the content are definitely a dig-in. So check 'em out!
------------------+------------------

This morning I just felt so helpless all of a sudden. It's like losing sight in a split second and you don't breathe anymore. I guess I just have to keep rooting for myself somehow.

Now that FMO is finally in place, or at least decently set up, I just need to clear up a bit of the mess over the paperwork. I would have loved to have them done but there's just simply 2 hands acting for 10. But at least, I suppose, I'm darn proud I put in nearly every, mind you, screw, bolt and nut myself! The few who have helped some certainly sped things up for me.

Thank you you too~!
------------------+------------------

I walked to the windows yesterday afternoon (after sitting in front of the computer endlessly for a couple hours) and saw this huge blue across the sky - it was as if an angel came to town and blew the clouds away for a clean look. Was fabulous, and ironically, I took no pictures. Smart. 5-megapixel cam in possession and it sits in a quiet corner in the bag collecting webs.

I've been missing my time at the beach, so much so that I got a little paranoid about walls. Just lately I had this vision of my ceiling falling off and crushing me flat.

Did I mention the bamboo pole fell on me in the kitchen? Man, I was like... AWAKE man! Scenario parallel: La Pi Xiao Xin kena wallop on the head.

I SAW stars man.
------------------+------------------

How's everybody doing? I miss all of ya. And Jean, wait till I tell ya momma's graphical description of your union! She wants you to make sure you've got a house, a car, cold hard cash and guess what? An air ticket back here cos she misses you!

And now to finally get my special Special Mentions column back online:
- Cherisse: your direct marketing is amazing! Thanks!
- Zhigao: you and your crap only make my day, but your earnestness, that blows me away!
- Kenny: gee, you big softie you!
- Huiling: that was sweet to the max!
- HH: it ain't pretty if it ain't pink! Yeah! Pink rocks! And that display artist I met said I would look fabulous in pink too!
- Eric: eh, what's happening with ya man?! No updates!
- Leslie: don't be bitchy! I just love your writings~
- Kevin: mumbo in the jungo~ Work hard puppie!
- Alicia: now that I know how to spell your name, Alicia Rocks!
- Sab: thanks for the greetings! Would sure love to have you there!
- Doris: gimme your darling.... How ya? :)
- Angel: stop liking my couches! hehez
- Lars: not too sure if you ever got here, but hey! I'm rooting for ya!
- Kalvert: what's with lao niang here there everywhere? Thanks for the vote of confidence! (And I know where you've been crawling on the internet! Ha~)
- Wan+Nat: happy nesting!
- Zekai: get the show on the road! Where've you been?
- Fab: how more fabulous can you get? You're the man!
- Last but not least, bro sis sis mom dad I love ya~!

For those whom I've left out, till the next round! Night cyberspace!

FMO

Hope to have your cool support!

FOR MY OWN

And if you're thinking that I disappeared, yeah, I somehow did. Not really by choice but I'm trying to tide over this week so that I can finally finish what I set out to do. All systems go, though slow, but we should be able to see something by the weekend! Wish me well! Many Loves!

WOAH

Ha~ and it looks like we've been missing one another, no? Ok ok, allow me to explain: the last week has been most interesting - actually, it's been the last 2 - that I've spent ever since being put outta a job. Well, to cut a long story real short, I've been moving around and guess what? These:


Everything's sold! Including the shop! [The lights and fans shop]


I gotta admit... Tough job~ [The friendly cleaner]


And when ladies do carpentry... They aren't a nice bunch~! [My sisters]


Who drinks Tequila on rocks with Pepsi and a glass of water? [Only hongheng!]


And darn... I forgot to smile...

Strange happenings eh? Not that I'm complaining, but looking at these pictures really made my day! How was yours, cyberspace?

Remember to drinks lots of water and get some sun! Oh, milk's good!

That's all for now~! Nitey!

TOILETS

I was all compelled to write about this after a brief but comical conversation with angel: why do ladies have more stalls than gents? For that matter, why do gents always get the urinals more than stalls? Do guys don't deserve the luxury of bathroom stalls too? And who on earth invented the urinal? Just cos guys have something to aim we need less space?

Sexist.

And the guy who made the urinal. Ass.
----------+----------

Ok. Here's the news: I wanna look beautiful~ It's extremely depressing when people look at you only when the guy or girl next to you are like... Drop Dead Gorgeous. I mean, it's not like I look hideous or seomthing but a little appreciation goes a long way. Then again, if I am DDG, then perhaps it doesn't really matter does it?
----------+----------

I've been rather lost with horror-scopes lately: they've been pretty on the spot over quite a number of things, and it's kinda making me really believe it. Like a couple of days back's reading went like, "Time to relax, you've done enough." And true to it, I kinda maxed out all I can do up till that point. And yesterday's reading went like, "Brag about yourself, cos it'll make you feel recharged." And it did - after hanging out and telling stories.

Alright alright... not like some big deal to you, but it's interesting how people so tend to associate things to predictions and premonitions to see if it actually applies.

And that sucks!
----------+----------

Interesting - somebody asked me Time or Money, and I unreservedly said, "Money!" Reason being a moment's pleasure over a lifetime of pain. What you think?

LAVENDER

I think I have to relax! A change of color to encourage a sense of... serenity~ But mostly cos there's a blog design copycat somewhere =P (and dun mention it anywhere on my blog and blow your own cover! ha~)
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That's as much as I can do for tonight. It's like nearly 6 in the morning and I can't imagine waking up, outbreak alova~ So just stopping here for now! Nighty Cybes~

DO RIVERS STOP TO REST?

I spent a good deal of time with Godpa today for once - not that I'm against that, but it's nice to hang out with a man who's constantly outta town, busy, not available or somewhere along those lines. So I finally asked him this question: with all these people who go to him for help, what does he really feel?

He thought for a moment, and finally offered: "It's really sad sometimes when I hear all the misfortunes, and some are really bad."

The conversation went on about how it comes about and how he helps out. But it just kind of made me think for a moment: does he ever get tired or sick of it? Not that I resent it - it's his job to help given all that power - but for a mere mortal empowered, all that work is really straining. I mean, he was in Indonesia recently and caught a slight flu, which was irritating his throat and lungs real bad (you should hear him cough OMG), all that to help those sick and distressed.

We are all in our places I'm sure, but seeing him all tired out, yet, still human, it's hard not to think about how to give him time to relax, especially when he's the strength for many. And I mean, really many.

For all he has done, I'm grateful.
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Hey, how come nobody offered any donations for my ticket? Cause not important enough or story still too polished? Do I need to pretend that I need A-B+O type blood to prevent my excessive bleeding from a sneeze before I get some sympathy?!
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My eyes are so voluntarily closing... I'll try harder tomorrow. And what's with people changing blogs and adding new addresses and all?

STUPID

I think I am, seriously. Perhaps I should ask Godpa later why I am so stupid. How come I don't feel clever at all, but just plain stupidity?
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Was chatting with a few friends online earlier on when I kinda felt all so fortunate that I am all grown up and well, but somehow so stupid to let time run past just like that. Still, I think making up for it is not as important as doing it now, so yeah. Strawberry Sundaes EVERYDAE from now! LOL.
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Haven't been touchin' all ya good folks' bloggiez, so I left some of you messages in case you think I've forgotten you!

Anywayz, found this little picture. Hope you like it!

BLUES

Oh yeah. I'm so the YES-man. Just tell me what you want me to do, I'll be on it! Period! Just as long everyone's happy and glee, I'll be simply thankful!

I just don't wanna argue or bitch or debate or question anymore - enough is enough. Let's all live in lala-land and be smiley and live in a nice wonderful place!
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Was kinda craving for Shino's "Cry All Night" 2 days back, but alas, I think I somehow miraculously misplaced the CD, to which I thought I was really gonna cry all night over that. Thankfully, sis got like this greatest hits from her, and coolioz! The song's in it!

And eagerly did I pop it into the car stereo on the way out, and what came about was a revelation - I could drive safely with cool chill out music! OMG! That's such a blessed thing! I can't even bring myself to speed up for more than 5 seconds in a row! Shino - you're a life-saver!

Still, the song's kinda like this bitter-sweet love affair, with the exception of having it talked about rather than suffering in it. What's good about it definitely the whole package as a song - the kind of song you tap your feet every alternate beat cos it's just so easy to? Yeah!

Nonetheless, it's in my playlist now, and looks set to stay for a while. For those who know me, yeah - usually a song in the playlist only.
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Simplicity is nice. It's as good as watching white big fluffy clouds passing against the perfect blue sky. And so goes things I needed to get done today, like sticking the stamp on the envelope and sending it out. That's simple. Like bringing stuff for a friend and actually doing it, that's simple too. So. What else is complicated? They should put less emphasise on that word.
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J-girl, getting married's like the best thing to happen at our age - so at least play the part! Ha~!

Ok ok that was nonsensical, but seriously, I wish I could be there man... it's like you don't really get to attend a 6-ft tall gal-fren's wedding everytime, given that I myself tower over a number of people. Ok ok...that's really silly, but seriously serious, I wanna be there man. Anywhere where we can kinda like raise a charitable fund to fly me there? Any kind donations welcomed!

Hey, might as well make it an appeal! Okay Peeps~! I need your kind sponsor to buy me a ticket to go attend a friend's wedding in Australia. I just need to be there for the afternoon, and I'll be back - so no hotel stay and all that. Just an air ticket from Singapore to Sydney and back please (don't fly me and leave me there), which will probably cost about S$800 I think? So if you would be so kind, send me a little donation, just enough for the tics! Well, me and this galfren go a long way back to college days - she was larger than life (pardon the pun), and we've been the bitchiest friends since, talking and confiding some of our dumbest secrets, ya noe, that sorta thing, kinda like Dumb and Dumber (being she). And now that she's getting married to a guy she can't resist (I think - I dunno, maybe he can't resist her...who really knows?), and because the guy's not like everybody think is good (mind you, it's not not good enough just not good) for her, like, not suitable for her, so they are like having an uphill task getting married. So I'm kinda eager to like go there and root for them, cos love is like the sweetest thing right, and if they are true, I would really love to be there. And just so to convince you to donate - so I kinda gotta make this sound really sad and needing your support - she's like trying so hard to like make a living, get some work experience, and trying for a degree right now. So with all that pressure from work, school, family, and marriage, I really wanna be there to hold their hands and wish them the best and all. And to let you in, she's got 3 eyes and 4 noses, so finding someone who loves her so much is really a blessing! Ok ok, I made that part up to get your purse.

But really. I just wanna be there to see a dear friend on her happiest day, although her folks won't be cos, I honestly think, they wouldn't agree. Not that he ain't good, but they probably would disagree. To me, love is about 2 people feel amongst them, and all other comments are just comments, nothing more. So if you do intend to send a little donation to get me to Australia to see my dear friend get married, leave a message after this post, and I'll let you know my Paypal account. Oh, if you donated, but I still didn't get enough to get there, can I use it for a gift and courier fees? At least something to say I'm involved!

And why can't I fly there on my own? Simple. I'm completely broke because my ex-partners kicked me out of my own company so that they can have a bigger share and stake, and they spread rumours of me stealing company funds so that I couldn't get a job outside to stop me from recovering from my position, left me to rot simply. And since then, I couldn't get no decent job except part time work that pays real little. So there. I've used up all my savings and still trying to make ends meet. Therefore, my air ticket would be on your kind donations.

And to do the math, I have about 10,800 visitors to this blog since Jan 2006, which works out to: 10,800visitors / (4months X 30days) = about 90 visitors a day. Take probability of 5 out of 10 visits being revisits in a day, that's about 5 new visitors in a day. So if everyone donates US$1, that be 1.00 X 5 X 60 = US$300 in 2 months (her wedding is in June 2006). And if the rates are good, as of today, that translates to US$300 = S$482.34, and maybe if I try saving a dollar a day, that brings me: S$482.34 + (1X60days) = S$542.34 up till June. So that's good enough for a trip there. I'll use the rest of the money to book a little fishing boat and row back somehow. You guys cool with that? Would be grateful for all the help peeps!

So J, dun say I didn't try!
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Now on to entertainment - been so hooked on "Lost" series that I can't imagine choosing sides between Jack and the baldy. I think it's the prospect of getting hopelessly lost in the middle of nowhere that is so captivating - having been removed from familiarity to wilderness - now that's scary! But it's really cool to watch befores and afters with me the audience knowing largely what's happening while the characters still run the risk of going insane or killed.

Oh well, that's that for entertainment. I give 5 outta 5 popcorns/stars/nachos for the series.
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I kinda know how lagging this blog's been. If you bothered of course, it mattered mostly cos the passages here tell all kinds of irrelevant stuff - from street car races to older women with crude make-up (though that has never been mentioned but you get the point). So for this entrie~, here are some nonsensical words of wisdom:

- if it ain't broke, there's really nothing to fix (fact);
- what goes around must come around (parabolic movement duh);
- what's done is done (major duh);
- think before you speak (i dunno. this bugged me for years. do you not?);
- one man's food is another's treason (think farmer);
- teach a man to fish, and you get competition;
- ignorance is pissed (cos everyone thought it was all good);
- an apple a day keeps the fruitstalls packed;
- save for a rainy day, but remember, the rest of the days you're good as dead;
- humans are all wrong cos to err is to be human.
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Got myself a little pressie 2 days back at Sim Lim - saw this package for under ten bucks and I was like... "WOOHOO~!" I actually found this really old batch of Mini-Phones on sale! And having had one years ago, to find one now is so cool! Finally, hands free operation once more!
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Dear Friends, if you find this entertaining, please donate more hugs on the left side bar! Otherwise, to lodge a complaint, please write in to: REQX's MOM, No.18 Somewhere Street, Postal 742699 (SIAOZZ).

Otherwise, goodnight all you lovely peeps!

EVEN AFTER ALL

There was the time when many things didn't matter - why cars had to stop at the red; why trains had to sound the whistle; why planes managed to fly. It was about the science that didn't matter, so long as we could enjoy the ride, the buffet luncheon, the beautiful sights, the groovy music. But now that we are all grown up, some things still need not matter.

Was out with Angel on some kind of aimless shopping - we were just walking around after a quick dinner at some downtown cafe, and kept browsing through things. Strangely enough, it didn't matter that some store keepers had their music at ear-piercing levels or people smoking in the stuffy confines of the narrow walkways, we just did our shopping.

Got round this corner shop selling little accessories and I was kinda attracted to this black and red bracelet (not too sure what got into me lately but black + red is just so in for me now!) and kinda bought a pair. Then I spotted this necklace and pendant that was oh-so-sweet, bargained real bad for it, and actually got my way (after some white lies that I was still a student or something like that). Got my spoils but point was, business was somewhat pathetic to the point every dollar is stretched, both for the sellers, and the buyers.

Okay, I got lost somewhere along those lines.
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Know what? I'm beat. Darn...another blog missed...sorry folks...

MISSIN'

Ok, my bad. Haven't been too serious about blogging lately all thankz to odd-timed suppliers who pops up at sleep-time. And knowing me, sleep time is 5AM till 2PM. What's worse, it's been pouring, and I've got no time to hit the beach - I'm back to natural yellow...grr.
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Dot Dot Dot. Sorry people. I think I gotta try harder tomorrow. Yawnzzz...

RENDITION

And here's the world's first peppered rendition of... (drum rollz)....

ME!

Don't I look oh-so-good! Without the picture ie!
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I'm kinda brain freezed over some ideas and the clog doesn't seem to wanna go away. Perhaps I just need the time to get inspired somehow and get things rolling. Still, I'm only half-way down with the puzzle...don't seem quite productive with it for the last 2 days. Think I need to pick up pace soon!

NIGHTZ

FLO

To this really quirky, hideously weird, and incredibly irritating person sending a bot to clog this blog like every alternate hour everyday... I think you need to get a life. Good thing tblog logged ur visit or I would be getting phantom visit counts for nothing. It would be so nice of you to please stop. My faithful readers are having problems accessing this site.
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I do regret the mini hiatus on my blog, dear cyberspacepeople, for I have been busy gathering stuff for my little animal farm. Truth be told, busy is good, as long as it brings in the bread and gives some spending tokens. Alas, I wish that IS the case.

Was passing by Chinatown 2 days back when I spotted this really cool old-fashioned weighing machine. It's like one of those you pop a coin in, it goes "brrrr", spins a color wheel, stamps a card, and spits it out. Coolest thing about it is the little predictions on the back of the card, telling you what's gonna happen or what's been happening. Nostalgiaaaa!

Okay, would love to put more here but it's been a really long day. Everyone keep healthy and stay safe! Nitey!

APPLE

Do you cyberspacemen actually find this blog interesting? I was revisiting some blogs and in all honesty, I don't really read word for word. Not that I ain't interested, but crazy font sizes and wild layouts do make reading somewhat uncomfortable. Besides, too many blogs to actually read in full...Oops.
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I retitled this post just so that it ain't too out of the ordinary actually. But the funny thing is, I'm suddenly hungry cos it's food...Double Oops.
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And so here I am, not lamenting about things for now. So what's been happening? After that gruelling two weeks out in the wild, and finally making time for the beach last week, things have kind of settled down on its own a little. Not that I'm complaining, I'm not, but I'm just basking in possibilities now. Looking back, I insist, there really ain't a problem till we think there's one.

So off I went for a little shopping 2 days back, looking for a new door bell to replace the broken one at home. Stumbled somehow into this jigsaw puzzle shop with some neat offerings, and was probably there for half an hour just looking at boxes and boxes of wrapped puzzles. Gee...when was the last time you even touched one? I must confess, the resolve to finish it is already daunting, and the thought of actually masking it up and putting it in a frame is...remote. Period.

But being me, the jigsaw-love just can't really go away. All tempted, yet demanding over the final picture that I would form, finally picked a Van Gogh to go with - a 1500-piece puzzle measuring a quarter meter big.

Not that it's my latest fad, but fact remains, puzzles are expensive in this part of the region. For that same box I could probably get half the price I paid on the net, and even lesser at local fairs and market hawkers. Well, it's paid for anyway.

Anywayz, tried picking out a frame for it - didn't really look at the price tag but was kinda concerned about how it would fit, as in, whether the color and texture would compliment. And I kinda asked the storekeeper one of those slap-forehead questions: Do the frames come with glass or plastic faces? To which, the nice chap responded, "Plastic, cos light will cause the colors on the print to fade quite quickly, so the plastic ones will reflect most of the light out." And that reply made me slap my forehead. I mean, c'mon...light remittance of plastic and glass do not differ that much, plus, the plastic for the frames ain't exactly tinted, nor are they thick. So I gamely replied (at the quickest opportunity after suddenly discovering the price-tag at the bottom, which cost double that of my choice puzzle), "Oh. I don't like plastic cos they warp real quick." To which he asked what kind of temperatures am I hanging it in. I then said, quite coolly, that it isn't about the temperature, but plastic-faced frames do not lay flat out, especially when the plastic is thin, which gives a weird warpy reflection against light, regardless of the angle it was put in. For that, I walked away convinced myself. And at least cutting my losses by double.

But the anal thing is now: I gotta find a frame somewhere else. Triple Oops.
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I was with a class earlier on last night, a class of 3D animation students whom I had to give a presentation on music fundamentals. I wouldn't say they were uneducated, but perhaps ignorant of the fact that music had an origin, a beginning, and had a direction in the future.

Now, before you bombard me with theories, I ain't here to pick a fight. I dispensed facts over opinions that's for sure, but as far as I am concerned, I'm not learned in the field of music history; neither, to that effect, would I fully comprehend what each music pioneer thought about their craft. All I know is, it moved us, and we can use it to move someone else. And that was the gist of my class.

Regardless, they were a lively-, goodlooking-bunch, which I definitely appreciate a whole lot more in terms of class size (of 12) as compared to 2 in my last class. Quadriple Oops.
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Lengthy post so far. But it's been a while hasn't it, cyberspacemen?

Exactly 2 years ago, I met with 2 particularly interesting people. An idea was exchanged, and everyone was happy to go along with a plan. There were no big plans, no huge goals, little idealism, except survival and security. A year on, that original idea evolved, and got bigger. Slightly after that, greed gave birth to insecurity, insensitivity, and ego.

If you're reading this: I remember how little we needed to be happy and content.








































I guess not anymore.
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Sometime back, a 15 year old girl was run down by a motorcycle. Paramedics arrived within minutes as the crowd gathered, but nobody could offer any form of assistance as she laid in her own pool of blood.

On the spot, the paramedics tried to regain her consciousness to no avail, while the police worked on eye-witnesses and getting statements. And from what they gathered, the girl dashed onto the road for no apparent reason, and was unfortunately run down by the motorcyclist.

However, some eye-witnesses did report that, prior to that accident, the girl was seen somewhat struggling with an old lady, seemingly trying to snatch the old-lady's bags of groceries and handbag. Of course, the old lady was not identified and given any questions whatsoever at that point.

The girl, sadly, was pronounced dead on arrival at the hospital due to excessive bleeding from her head injury - she was knocked straight-on and the impact threw her 10 meters out, landing her head-first on the tar-laid road.

The accident was given some attention in the news, and public opinion was divided between the girl being a ruthless young robber, backed by press interviews of families whom labelled her a rebel, while friends commented she was of sincere and enduring character. Thus on, the story ran, inciting emotions, but died as quickly as a sensation arose.

The courts of course, could not determine the exact cause of death, and labelled it an accident.

A day on, a letter to the news forums appeared, written on behalf of an old madam's grandson that read:

"I would like to thank the young girl who came to my aid on (date) as I was being stopped by a man who claimed to be my grandson's friend. He wanted me to hand over any cash and jewellery that I had with me in order to bail my grandson out of police custody after breaking a drink-driving law.

As I panicked and started to remove my jewellery, I spilled my bags of fruits and this girl came forward to help pick them up for me. As she came over, the man walked off without a word, and that was when I wanted to stop him. The girl then asked me what it was about, and as she tried to call out to him, the man ran off. That was when I realised I was almost conned. If not for her, I certainly would have lost my valuables to him.

I thanked her for helping me out, and she politely thanked me back, after which I made my way home. When I got back, I discovered that some of my fruits were lost when I spilled the bag, but I was not concerned. I was thankful to have not been cheated nor tricked.

Two days ago, I saw that same girl whom helped me on the news, and was saddened to know that she had died in a car accident at about the same time and place when I met her.

I am proud, yet sad to know the girl, and what had happened to her. I thank her, and hope that she goes to heaven. My deepest condolesence to the families."

My take: who's to judge?
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Heard about the latest perks and strategies from the ruling party for the coming elections? I hope they win all the wards and constituencies - so that the entire Opposition is wiped out, no more opposition to the ruling party's propositions, no more minority representations, no more alternative suggestions and thoughts, just pure dictatorship.

And that's when all the citizens can be thankful that the country is run by only one single party, and they cannot complain about anything else just because, the government says so, cos they own everything.

Yeah, makes you think if your block's upgrading programme in the opposition wards are really worth going for by voting for the ruling party.

I'm sure voting for the ruling party, so that I can tell the people around me who bitch about the ruling party yet succumb to their own miserable, material wants, to shut the fuck up. I'm sick of hearing complaints. If you're so smart, do something about it.
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I feel stupider by the day. Is it really due to the wisdom tooth? Oh well. I love you cyberspace, because I'm only a face and character of the millions online, and you probably don't give a damn anyway.

PLAGUE

After so many months of hanging on to a clean hope, and praying for a breakthrough, and to add to all that craving, I have been thinking...

















































What else have I got to lose when all is lost?

BOULEVARD

Ladies & Gents, presenting...The Sand Player! Building us a...


MOULD!

It's great to be back at the beach, afterall, it's not like everyday you get to be at a place where thinking ceases and relaxation presides. Of course, the sun was always either been too strong or too weak, weather been too humid or too hot, or somewhat to that effect. But nonetheless, if you just kick back and relax, you'd actually find it all worthwhile the trip!


Happy~! On the way home!
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My fabulous Birthday T that everyone admires!

ART

I have a very remote understanding of you; yet, seemingly it is so easy to access your thoughts in a split second, and fully comprehending what it is you want, creating a seamless, straightforward link of knowing to responding. It should be a neat little gift, and of late I have been recognising it and using it to maximum effect. Would you call that abusing a gift?

15 seconds ago I appreciate being able to conceive an idea and putting them in words. 15 seconds after, I think everyone around me should leave that be. I feel exhausted over people's needs, or should I say, I have been exhausted over the needs of people...[pause]

2 conditions to put it away: you think of putting it away and therefore you do; you cannot keep it and therefore you do.

I have a craving.

And absolutely close to destroying something.

And I have a craving, a manic desire that's been brewing since last week after returning to civilisation. And believe me, nothing is coincidental till it becomes accidental. I drew a white line across my tunnel vision to put the dots together today, trying to figure out a manifesto of mine own direction; as it turned out, I created a pentagram of reforged ideas.

I'll always remember rushing across that metallic bridge carrying half a load with someone whom dropped it halfway and caused me to fall forward, nearly breaking my back; yet, I was... made responsible for it by someone who disfavored me. I seeked no redress nor did I used that as an excuse to change a job. But I'd always remember how I was blamed for that incident; I'd always remember how the tears fell uncontrollably that second I hit the floor flat; I'd always remember how that surge of pain in the lower back felt; I'd always remember how unapologetic it had been; I'd always remember to pay back.

Twice as hard.

Ha~ You called red cheap. I heard that.

WANT

There will always come a time when we want something so bad that it can't seemed to be removed, by any means or through any methods, from our memory.

And now, I have a craving.

7

That's the lucky number for today~!

Let's see, I can't find anything interesting pictures to post today, so guess we'll stick with text only.

Was reading some blog and one thing I can't stand, outright, is bad language. If it's anything to go by, poor language disrupts the ease of reading. I mean, how can a person be "a sand in your palm; he will interest in a life of a millionaire as much as a life of an old man selling newspaper on a sidewalk vendor."

It can be quite funny sometimes, but definitely a challenge to understand the ideas put forth.

Anywayz, I don't want to lament about the last couple of days tonight. So yeah, good nighty cyberspace =)

BACK

Finally~! Back to the Island!


Something to remember.

Beat. More later~!

LET'S TALK ABOUT YOU

Yeah! For a change, what's it like being, you? What's it like being a teacher? or being 18? How about you being depressing? or jovial? What's it like to lose your son? or have 3 generations under one roof? Are you african? What's it like being in africa? What's it like to be a pilot? or zookeeper? What's it like gettin pregnant? Does it hurt? Is it an amazing feeling? How's that amazing feeling like?

What's it like being shy? What do you actually feel? Why hide under some sheets or stammer with words? What's it like being rich? or having nothing to eat for tomorrow? Hey, what's it like being that scorpion in you? or the horse? What's it like to hurt someone? beat him up and make him bleed? or what it's like to be a kind soul to help that disabled person across the road?

I know a lot about myself, yet, people know more about me than myself sometimes. It's strange, and now, I wonder what's it like to be you. You, you, and you.

Gee, come to think of it, that's a lot of things to try out eh? Not much time there to be honest. Let's see if we ever get there.

NAILS

And it felt like a deep scratch of the nails across my skin when I came to realisation - I'm still very much on my own; enlightenment comes when it is least expected, or perhaps at some point in time we lost ourselves so much so that everything else is attributed to mundane, intangible explanations like luck, fate, and fortune.

Well here we are, and here I am, in my final gear to choose an item of value. I asked someone that, if there is a line-up of men/women, each representing a virtue, what kind of partner would he/she choose?

And someone said she's getting married and asked for my sincere blessings. Now, this one's easy. And someone else said he's getting married, and asked for me to be the Master of Ceremony, now, that, is daunting.

Why does everyone assume I'm like MC material or some kind of attention-seeking dude? I mean, I am to a certain extent, but really so obvious meh?

Coming back, I wrote a neat little song called "Sunrise" earlier on, but the more I listen to it (just the music alone), it feels more and more like solitude. But hey, what's a little difference to make the White stand out from the Black? Which reminds me, somebody once said this beautiful phrase about White and about Black, but the anal thing was, just as I typed all these prelude text, I forgot what it was. Dawgone.

It's been beautiful days so far - jolly good sun, nice warm breeze, and timely passing showers. Makes you sweat and cools you down all the same. Nice.

It's time to make some real feasible plans about our lives, cyberspace!