For so long, that unquenchable doubts that surfaced again and again threw me off course for so long, till someone actually pointed out that I was a hot air balloon that had its hot air stopped just before lift off everytime. Yet, I could have taken off anytime anyway.
It got me thinking how I became the stick in the caked mud, and somebody could so easily stir it. And now it seems I have a wonderful opportunity to take off, and it's exciting as it is scary.
So I'll recall backwards then, all the things I've been shelving to post with the first one being my reluctance to.
Social media has been getting explosions after explosions of outrage - an Internet friend actually found me, news of me, plenty about me, simply googling my name. While all these times when I was trying to dig online information about myself, he had them under fifteen minutes. It got me sort of apprehensive about airing thoughts that, regardless of the layers of secrecy or misleading idenities, I was still found out. That got me cautiously putting alphabets together and stringing thoughts, online, in complete sentences.
Adding to that, as much as I was reluctant to, I found myself dropping hints everywhere because I needed a ear. After all, everybody needs one, and I happen to have half-hearted ones. That in itself, stumped me from letting my thoughts go as much as I was holding them in the deepest recesses in the head.
So I was writing a new album, all in the idea of achieving self-gratification, self-motivation, and self-cleansing. I had too much rubbish that I thought I had to deal with, but truth being the expectations kept brewing and growing to the point I was losing what was perhaps most precious: honesty. I just had to let the demons out so to speak. For now, I need to clean up the tracks and they are off. 5 tracks, and I was hoping to do more. Maybe writer's block isn't the best way to describe it. It is just simply resourcing for materials to put together. I'm listening to too much rubbish lately anyway, and ideas are scarce. So is my workstation.
Somebody invited me to next year's Grammys. That's after trying to get me on board to work under a label. I'm not sure. This is the same person that told me I can now fly, I just need to flap my wings. I'm scared, but I don't think I should or could hold back anymore. I need the final push, and that just means having idiots making a bigger fool of themselves and I'm off with nothing to stay behind for.
Before it happens, I guess better to hit the books again.
I got a bimmer. An old one that had me test drive only after 3 sincere visits. I'm apparently the 16th owner too. Talk about last stops. I named him Boo Meng Wee, in light of the acronym and my Chinese roots I guess lol.
He's been in and out of the workshop, which I now call the chalet. At 22 years old, he's really holding up quite well after all the previous operations by the respective owners, who in my opinion, didn't really liked him. And why him? I don't know. Only when you see a him, that you know it's a him. I never believed Meng Wee to be a gentle girl, cos he looked too mean to be one.
And of all the fanfare, I got Meng Wee as a show of force, to stop the farce of running a Restaurant City in virtual make-believe. It was a transport, and an assurance and message that my business was not a try-only instance, that it was for real. Of all the flak and doubts cast, Meng Wee certainly squashed quite some stupid commentaries about SMB. Most honestly, Meng Wee was my childhood sweetheart that took me a very long time to find, to decide, and to be with.
Gee. This post is actually taking a very long time to complete. I'm thinking if I'll ever have this done as its the third day I'm on this.
I got myself sorted out at work somewhat for the last few months, only to realize what it really means to be a leader, motivator, and survivor. All three just don't go together. Leaders lead a vision, motivators goads the vision, survivors pretty much try to, well, survive. How can three roles culminate into one embodiment of a pillar for the company? Not only did it drain me, it caused so much tension in the office that had everything out of line. And the first step to resolving it: actually letting go. I used to say that I trust the crew to fulfill their roles, and that's how I could let go. But with people under performing their tasks, it's really disheartening to see projects go down the path of make-believe, self-satisfied quality. It made little sense, although experience is cultivated over time.
The solution: taking the risk, letting things go. If a project quality has to be that trade-off, it's got to be done. With that, I've been coming to work ad hoc, only to complete my part and buzz off. There's no need to stay for more ridicule of a time with productivity at an all time low, despite increasing the workforce three folds. What a shame!
So let's see. I've gotten myself a small holiday. And guess what? Projects cultivated under my name are in. This just makes me hesitate and procrastinate. Strangely though, I know as much I'll go for my holiday. But I'm also unsettled if I would be needed to work on the projects physically, or worse, coordinate over long-distance online style. Whatever it ends up on, maybe my sense of responsibility presiding my old self just feels guilty that I am unable to fulfill my promise to people who trust me. Even if I am being taken advantage of.
And to a large extent, I know I'm being exploited in many ways. My weakness has always been that very strong sense of responsibility to fulfill a promise. But things have changed and expectations that follow have been often unlinkable in many instances. Not to say its a bad thing, to be positive, it does put the team to the test to perform in a new setting. Then again, it's been an awful arduous task.
I kept telling myself to stop the paranoia of screwing up within the team - it is going to happen regardless. I just need to look forward to being apologetic, which I'm not used to, to prevent relationships from being strained out. All in all, I guess I need to relook at the entire clockwork and watch it fall apart to reassemble something that works. And this, potentially, may include the option of having the team split. I'm halfway looking forward to that already.
There's simply too many downs that I'm experiencing, I'm so tired of having them. Enough thinking. I should be back to my gym regime soon and see what turns up. Meng Wee is also finally showing great signs of recovery. Certainly looking forward to having more cosmetics in from this point.
