It's a cool night by the beach, kind of cold actually. I ordered an entire bottle of wine just sipping as I go along. "Chilled" I said of my wine, while the young waiter scurried off to place my order. I like the wine chilled for two reasons, for one, it already warms the body, and if it came weather cooled, it has a beefy taste. Two, the ice served as a timer and companion. While they melt in the bucket, I am reminded that time is about up for me to pack up and go, and that the company eventually leaves.
The bench is a little wet, and I sat on a small puddle sitting right in the middle edge. My butt feels a little funny now.
This be the second time I came by here feeling so lousy in 3 months, just blogging and trying to make sense of things. Truth is, I don't really want to think about it. It makes my mind wonder far too far, and the mood deeper than deep. I've realized how lonely I've become, and to take even that away would be far too despicable even on my own terms, regardless of the gravity of thought on utopian living.
I'm just getting a chain of encouraging messages from a young boy I met some weeks ago. I hosted him in Singapore while he was in town looking for a job. A delightful cheerful person overall. And he's sending me all these despite I'm next to being a complete stranger. Wonderful isn't it? But I guess I'm quite inconsolable at this juncture.
I think I'm drinking too fast. Lol.
So. What happened? Let me recount.
It all started like every other time - I decided to please everyone on board the project. It certainly backfired big time this instance because the contract was minute for double the work. I lost control of costs yet trying to keep everyone satisfied. But naturally, while the opportunities waved brightly, everyone began to take advantage of the situation and started asking for more. I started to say no, and tempers began to brew. I've learnt my lesson well. To give in from the start is to throw the entire project right into the fire.
And in this case, I launched myself the fire, into a ocomplete mess.
I woke this morning thinking the gods left me. While they've been on my mind whenever I needed that companionship and that sense of comfort, suddenly, it felt as though I was outright abandoned. As if being alone a lot wasn't enough, that spiritual regard just went away, like falling over a ledge and falling again.
This breeze really reminds me of Perth, with Jean, by the porch of her humble house in 3 degrees, drinking wine, having cigars and telling our misfortunes. Listening to this sound makes it also feels like the quiet at the villa in Bali. I have these places and instances to just keep me sane, and safe from the harm of losing my mind.
I revere those who have so much perseverance in their lives. It almost makes them inhuman and godlike in so many ways. While there were those who said the same of me, I gather no strength on my own much these days, and I find myself barrowing deeper into self-pity.
I wonder if that waiter would come sit with me for a drink.
My bicycle has been sitting in the balcony for the longest time hungry for a ride. My dumbbells need a lift to feel themselves weightless again. My bed need someone to hug.
I'm here on my own.
11:05PM. What are you doing Neil?
And Ming, I missed you loads for being there when I needed somebody most. You were the angel that kept me in check, from losing myself for that time I wished so much to disappear so seriously.
My bottle is half done. I'm feeling a little tipsy. Shit. Can I bring the bottle home secretly after they close and leave? Lol
The horizon looks a little different tonight. I think I look a little different tonight. And I think my blog is really random at times. From something to the next and the next, doesn't seem to connect or stay coherent in so many ways.
A couple sits by the edge of the water having a slow conversation. I wonder if they would like some wine? Maybe they would like to hear about their future? I can try to guess... Haha.
Some cheese would be nice. Supper.
The crew here are really nice! They left the strings of bulb lighting on for me!!! That is so fucking sweet!
I saw some scribblings in the sand. Reminds me hopscotch.
Oops. They switched the lights off finally. Lol.
And no waiter came to sit with me. I like hearing stories. The last one told me a fantastic one, about his home, his life, his growing up, his aspirations, and his ultimate goals in life. I'm filled with admiration, for when I was his age, I struggled with many more traditional things than were necessary. Perhaps the old fogey in me should just die, and I should move on after all.
Singing into the breeze, will that be therapeutic?
There are people on the beach. Are they like me, lonely and desperate for company?
I like the way Moby tweets. He's like a grown up young boy still.
A couple hugged by the water's edge. So sweet.
Can I bring a piece of this place home? I like it.
So my love asked for forgiveness. While I've been trying to push it away, the relentless attempts do seem genuine enough for me to think again: what went wrong in the first place? Was it me the high-handed play? That things just went awry and away? What really was I complaining about again?
Cheers to solitude.
Okay. I'm avoiding the issue here. What was I trying to say? Oh yes, why is forgiveness so hard to achieve? Am I too jealous of the life that has been had, that I decided to stray away and not even come close? That embed like such a plausible, most likely scenario. I hated that lovely smile that melts me, that stupid snigger that makes me laugh, the popularity I could not achieve, the bravery and courage to speak up, even that toss of the notion of innocence. It makes me feel like king.
Why am I unable to become a part of it, like the strength that those before rendered me? Maybe I felt cheated, that despite rooting them on, I was betrayed when they went further, and forgot all about me.
The ice melted. I'm still here.
Shit. I just caused a friend to come right where I am. I'm trying to salvage and retract. Fuck. I'm such an asshole.
I'm so torn. Ok. Managed to revert. But I so wished some company. I'm seriously so sad yeah.
So now how? Can I cry now?
