CONSERVATORY

It's funny - there can be many things in life that we all earn and achieve, but there will still be the disappointments and regrets of not having. Its not about greed or laments - its just being human.

I was doing some research across the web, when I chanced upon the local conservatory of music. Browsing the pages, my heart sank deeper into self-pity and dreaded regrets. As each professor's face fill the page, as more information surfaced, as more residents of the conservatory showed up, I envied more and more the lives in which they lived.

I come from a middle-income family, and opportunities were resticted limited by age-old maxims and cultural traditions. Music fell into the category of wasted time, and therefore, translates into poor career advancement foundation.

And because I was a late bloom, I never showed THAT many signs of talent in music, disregarding the fact that I used to stand by the kitchen door and sing to my sisters while they share the routine kitchen cleaning, or for the fact that I sing along to the stereo everytime my nanny puts a record on.

Those were obviously bad signs of interests, passion and talent. Unlike today where talent spotting is a multi-million industry by itself, I was set in the 'stone-age' of Columbus' discoveries.

As I read the criterias for admission, it suddenly dawned on me that, "Hey, I could still do this!" But faced with a multitude of obligations and a whole line of tie-ups, it's hard to drop the luggage and just jump out the flight to do a dream skydive. Not discounting the fact that, who's gonna pay the bills for a grown-up man's education now?

As more articles of testimonials and write-ups loaded, I can't help but draw myself into a picturesque me, standing at some famous music halls, belting out my most emotional violin solo, or my haunting cello wails. I almost felt the roses kiss my cheeks after that world premiering piano recital.

Aah. Gone are the days of day-dreaming which my mother has taught me to put aside most quickly after the family fell into some financial troubles, which, not only made education all the more important, but certainly displaced music as even an option to alternative studies, or even a weekend leisurely course to take for enrichment. I'll be damned if I said it was okay.

The only consolation I have is the fact that I have learnt to compose my own tunes, write my own songs, all for the fun of it. Be it an opportuned activity aimed to sell any product, the least that could be of help is to hold tightly a forgotten dream, and a wasted passion.

I can wish for the next 50 years that this is that and that is this - but I'll have it no other way. Keep wishing. And I'll leave the real living of dreaming to the younger ones around me.

OF ONE WiNE AND A SMOKiNG CiGARETTE

tblog seems to be down with the occasional traffic-overloads, so decided to post blogger first, and see if I could get back there.

I'm not sure what's with me tonight. Maybe cos I was expecting some dinner dates, but they were botched at the eleventh hour. Or maybe cos tomorrow's beach trip that I'm so looking forward to got botched too. Or it could have snowballed from a client who was questioning the amount I was charging her, which most likely, will get botched as well.

I don't know. My mood is just sliding by the minute and tomorrow's trip being canceled just made it worse. It's like, what's wrong with just 2 persons going down to the beach? I ain't no freak and I ain't no stone. I know, I'm lamenting. That's probably that one thing I'm proud of.

I suppose that's the primary reason why I don't keep in touch with a lot of people. Not that I don't want to, but when friends look at me like some... alien - undefined and incomprehensible, it's just hard to bring myself to believe that they are people who don't mind what I am, and just love me for who I am.

Perhaps Irwin has been right all along, people think too much, and whatever that they don't understand, they fear. So, I'm just simply being feared. Which is really sad, considering it's all for the wrong reasons.

Like just a couple days back, mom was in a pretty foul mood. She told me she didn't want to talk about it, and chased me off to work with a frown on her face. I asked cos I was worried if something's terribly wrong, but I just got kicked in my butt.

It's like, I don't blame her, I just hate situations and circumstances that make people evil, uncaring, insensitive, and dodgy. My supposed beach mate tomorrow? Not a word of sorry, but just plain homophobic about it. Trust is skeptical in the face of fears, and fears are the spawn of the unknown. I suppose the best way to keep positive at this point is to blame myself for being too forthcoming, too trustingly naive, and overtly hopeful that the world is full of love and sunshine.

I used to think girls REALLY do grow up faster, but I was wrong. I used to think people DO change, and I was also wrong. Now, I think there isn't a reason for people to trust, or be trusted. Tell me I'm wrong there. Cos I would really love to be.

So, I have a whole day to myself, alone, tomorrow. I can't think of anything to do, nor do I have any spare change to spend. That just simply sucked. I guess I'll pretend to be back at the office to work, put on a show for the family, but just head back to watch some cheap DVDs I picked up earlier today. Yeah, what a bummer day it's gonna be.

And if the band decides to practice, that be great. At least I would have something genuine to occupy myself with.

World? I love you as much as I hate you.

TRAiN

Lagging. That's what it is. Falling behind myself. I didn't know why I even bothered to speak with G. It's like... I know what he's like, and I know the kind of attitude he has. Perhaps its cos we used to hang out together, and the affinity just got the better of me. So when he hit a challenge, I took it up. That was seriously dumb. I wasn't trying to play cool, I was simply trying to dig him. And now that I know one thing better - he has all the things to dig, but nothing would be in my favor.

Not that it mattered, but it kinda made things worse? Already alone sort of at the engagement party, I didn't just feel left out, but I didn't feel like I was even there to fill the numbers. If I was, it would have been easy, but knowing that I'm there cos they're obliged to have me there just didn't feel right, and good about it.

Oh well. I'm just whining. So let me be, for bottling up does myself no good.

I actually equated my losses from all the things I've done up to this point... and it totalled to about 4-5k. Not major, but certainly a dent. That could have bought a new G5 (assuming I would physically get the cold hard cash) that I badly need to replace the one at the studio, get some really necessary plugins for the DAW, and certainly pay for maintenance.

Of course, granted, it ain't gonna happen, so I'm just gonna take it that it never happened at all. That, somehow, felt better.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not being petty. I'm just whining. It's just the whole idea that I'm being owed, you know, over something which I voluntarily offered. But people just kinda took it a little too seriously? So they ain't paying me cash, but buying me dinners and drinks? It's as good as payment, and it's just... obligatory.

Sigh. I hardly sigh. But I'm just beat.