I'm a little confused with what I'm doing and what I've been trying to do. Seeing how others make their ideas work got me a little uptight about my own: what gives?
Okay, for once, I shan't describe the emotions at length. Instead, a little straight-forward story telling would be nice for a change yes?
Work got me endlessly out of hours for the last couple weeks, in fact months, and I hardly got a chance to watch tv or listen to the radio. Hearsay was my only source of news about anything new - trends, fashion, design, music - I guess that's laziness on my part to some extent, but having minimal rest really sucked.
So I finally tuned into the radio for the latest pop, Beyonce's Halo, Lady Gaga's Poker Face + Just Dance, Britney's string of hits dominated most of the air-time, plus a myriad of artistes who are struggling to edge out one another. Particularly Halo got my attention (sorry, I know I'm way behind time) for its melody and musical arrangement. I sat there the first time I finally laid hands on it and thought: Amazing. Why can't I do that?
The instrumentation was simple, and the lines were basics. But the creative power had it all together and held it as one really strong piece. Poker Face stared squared at me too, for its ground breaking use of synth and a whole bunch of loops. Again, I went wide-eyed. I thought Umbrella was it, and before that, Hung Up, and even before that, Irreplaceable. The music just grew beyond comprehension, just when I thought nothing new could come out of it, they reinvented it again and again.
I'm not trying to sell pop here, but the whole development got me really interested to see what comes next. Sexy Back broke the ice on loops completely even though it was years after Eminem's initial offerings.
Being a rock fan, I seem to hold a lot of respect for Divas I know. LOL. I got U2's No Line On The Horizon, and frankly, till date, I haven't heard it a second time. On the other hand, I got the little advertised The Cure's 4:13 Dream, and never got past the title track, Underneath the Stars.
All the songs I put on repeats were simply put, simple. You know what they were using, what they were playing, nothing there to hide, no fancy pyrotechnics in the sounds, they just made good music.
And that sank me quite badly cos I can't seem to dig out even a figment of musical imagination to put together a song right now. And in all earnesty, it's hard to swallow when you can't find the can opener to deal with the can of beans you're trying to open for lunch, and the clock just struck 5PM.
What made it worse was, I've been coming up with lyrical lines that don't match any music, nor can agree for consistency amongst themselves. It went from one subject matter to the next, fleeted all about, and never stayed in place.
So I finally gave up after trying for a week. I'm brain dead. Not that I've nothing to write. I don't know how to write them anymore.
Then came Electrico's new music video for Faces. It just blew me away. The visuals were pretty and the music was good definitely, but what got me was the interpretation of the song being put to visuals.
I seem to recall how Tetanus described the band's music as dark and cinematic, plus a couple bloggers betting their money on the visual-capable pieces. And as I look back, I've never really done anything visually sufficient for the music to lay to. Perhaps they needed majestic mountain-scapes or winter-scenes, but it's just hard to produce anything with hands bound by obligations and a dire need for hard cash. Then again, why am I doing this out of my own flesh?!
Point is, I irk at the thought of having been self-helped for the last ten years in pursing my music. Being able to round up very supportive talents had driven me on for so long, and its hard to drop my bags and park. But until Faces, I thought I was going to produce another 'masterpiece' so-called.
Now, I've given that up too. Not that I'm some jealous old-fashioned cheese fool, but I've come to realise, all these are for naught when it's not going commercial at all, and I'm just pouring and probably wasting resources, just for kicks.
Dumb. That's the only word I could think of.
I was excited and sad about the prospect of another show in July this year, and like all other years, self-produced, self-funded. With a lack of direction, new materials, and even internal communications within the band, I think I'm pretty much done here too. That one last catalyst that is moving me on is my final promise to do one last thing (sorry, secret for now). Perhaps the journey through all these events were pre-meditated by my own self-fulfilling prophecies. Josh was right, the only person who can stop me, is me.
Now that things are more settled in at home, I do feel the comforts of coming home to a bed (finally), and actually taking time to rest myself. I have no mirrors in here, cos looking at it makes me think about a lot more things (side-track: a typical chain of thought: zit-shit, gotta get rid of it-can't go out tomorrow-gonna be late for meeting-have to get home fast after meeting-cannot bring camera-no pictures of me please-hope it dun spread-no wonder it hurts there-...). Know what I mean? LOL.
I also don't have any clocks hung in the room. Having a clock is always taboo for me - I'll be early, and someone else will be late. If I'm gonna be late, the appointment will most likely be rescheduled somehow. Plus, I don't really want to watch my own time slip away. Not much left, what's there to count anymore. Disclaimer, I really don't know how much is left, so don't ask me.
Coming back, I love staying in my room for now, until I can find a clearer direction or motivation to do something else, sleep, games, and Youtube dominates.
I also regretted pledging my allegiance to some filmmakers who had a bad roll with me 2 weeks back. Till now, I have no news of what has happened, and not that it bothers me, but my regrets got to have some kind of explanation and update, a reason to be at least, rather than just pure plain emotion. Call it curiosity, but I'm Aquarian. I need my questions answered.
So now, I'm back on top the chart of iLike Challenge on Facebook amongst my peers, listening to all the good music non-stop, playing mindless puzzle and RPG games, lazing in bed, and totally uninterested in being interested in anything anymore. Geez, I actually sound like a teenager.
Oh cyberspace, spit me out of this wormhole. It's really making me sick. And fat.
Maybe I've been pushing people who work with me, way too hard. Somehow the passion got the better of me, and made quite a freak. I realise that too, cos there were hardly a genuine smile in any midst of the work, be it for the business, or plainly for the projects of interest.
I don't blame anyone really, except myself. Perhaps I'm not good enough to be leading the troupe across cities for the big top set up. Rightfully so, no degrees, poor paper qualifications, lousy choice of words, shy, hardly the type appropriate for big hall functions, can't network to save my skin, untrained in music... so what do I really expect myself to amount to?
I'm trying to save up some money for a used car, just to prove to the people who thinks I'm not capable, that I am of some use. Downer, sounds like it, but hey, suppression is not something anyone can just throw away and say I'm actually good. Point is, I've struggled this long for only one thing: survival. I'm hungry man, and working's the only way to feed myself.
It's hard to begin describing the kind of life I live right now. Sure, some people may think I'm doing well, but deep inside, I'm really feeling the emptiness and the whole-hearted disappointment of being looked down upon, or simply, useless.
Gosh, if you guys upstairs can throw me some cash, I would be really grateful. Just wanna stop whoring myself in public, and dream about being a rock star.
Oh, if you still don't know, I did all the shows to help sell the various companies involved, and knowing full well I will never make it big. The irony of being a dreaming fool in the Age of Aquarius.
Well. I guess that's enough lament for the hour. Halo. Love the song. Emotive. I'll dedicate the song to you, who managed to read the last part of this post. =) Enjoy, whoever you are.
