It was just that. There were no special words or elaborate set ups, it was just plain simple. It was like a closure of sorts, something that just gets a reminder that there are no certainty, and the uncertainty is repeating itself like dancing globules in a tube.
I'm just surprised there wasn't even a goodbye.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Thursday, August 27, 2009
RAiN RAiN RAiN
Its nice that the sky held out to pour at this hour. And its nice to snuggle in bed missing someone with a hot bowl of soup in my hands. And its definitely way cool to be feeling floaty after the soup sitting here typing.
But, the bed looks cosier. Heh.
But, the bed looks cosier. Heh.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
RETURN
So now found out what returning home means. Or maybe I'm speculating. Its about going back to the place we were all born, and other things probably don't quite matter. Questions is, why wasn't I informed?
Perhaps some transitions are easier to bare than others, but to be quietly waiting and not knowing can cut really deep. How silly am I to think that there are others who may share the same dreams and goals, or might just want to give it a shot? Naive? Yeah. Now I feel really dumb.
Much like how the gang broke into its own demise, simply because people don't try. I ever questioned if I was asking for too much, but factually, am I so hard to unconvince? I don't think so, and I certainly don't think I would need to be prompted for being a lesser person, and let alone being selfish. I don't think I am selfish, self-centered or even ignorant.
I was just too devoted to others' well-being, that I forgot, with renewed energies each time I know I can help, that people may just be tired.
Or maybe I'm tried of being tired.
Yeah, I guess being completely unaware that I may be tired and then tiring out, and eventually tiring of tire might not be so bad a thing after all.
Oh passion... if there is a word that describes my disappointment, that be incantly.
Perhaps some transitions are easier to bare than others, but to be quietly waiting and not knowing can cut really deep. How silly am I to think that there are others who may share the same dreams and goals, or might just want to give it a shot? Naive? Yeah. Now I feel really dumb.
Much like how the gang broke into its own demise, simply because people don't try. I ever questioned if I was asking for too much, but factually, am I so hard to unconvince? I don't think so, and I certainly don't think I would need to be prompted for being a lesser person, and let alone being selfish. I don't think I am selfish, self-centered or even ignorant.
I was just too devoted to others' well-being, that I forgot, with renewed energies each time I know I can help, that people may just be tired.
Or maybe I'm tried of being tired.
Yeah, I guess being completely unaware that I may be tired and then tiring out, and eventually tiring of tire might not be so bad a thing after all.
Oh passion... if there is a word that describes my disappointment, that be incantly.
FEAR
Seems like I've taken a liking to blogging here lately. Probably to divert all the negativity online to a spot on the whole, rather than spreading it across all over the place.
I just got home, gonna hit the showers. Will see what other ideas I have in stored.
I've strangely developed a liking for nonsense. The more nonsensical, the better. And they I'll just run off. Seems like fun.
It was pouring when I left town earlier on, and was almost caught out when the expressway got closed. Thankful for all the past car rides that I began recognising more roads than I would have. Routing around was a breeze, and zooming out the storm clouds just in time. Well, not for long. They've reached the house...
Oh, I wanted to blog about what's happening here.
I would normally not speak, let alone blog, about my very most taboo dates, but we're in the Lunar Seventh Month, the Ghost Festival as its called, where the belief that during this month, the gates of Hell opens, allowing the tormented souls, or ghosts, to roam the earth freely. People would offer incense, joss paper, and other assortment of items and foods to enrich and feed them.
I've hardly spoken much about it, but as I grew older, I found myself even more fascinated by my scares than the taboo in itself. The teenage years were heavily warned about going out at night in the Seventh Month, probably to scare us into staying in. So for that duration, house chores were especially done...
Anyway, this be the month that small communities unite and pitch up road shows, Getai, to entertain those lost ones who had nowhere to go. These shows could be massive multi-tiered shows of song, dance and comic, or small shows with skits, decked out in bright lights and auctions. One heartening thing I've always noticed, was how these communities put together money, not just to put up the shows, but to buy basic groceries for distribution to the less endowed. But as I've also observed, such practises are more formalities than sincere these days.
Nonetheless, the practise goes on, with or without the knowledge of its original intent.
I would love to post some pictures on some of these I've mentioned, but perhaps some parts of me still believe in the taboo tales of capturing the wondering ones on camera.
Anyhow, Jean got back for a few days, and her reasoning was one of the most piercing I've ever received: for the same duration, even if she wines and dines with her friends in Australia for about the same price as the air ticket, she might as well be back here, and do the same with us, her old friends she left behind.
She did say she left us behind. Fact is, I think I was more happy for her than wanting her to stay. Everyone has something to look forward to, and she has. And to me, that's the best thing in life.
As with my last few entries, I'm currently caught in between, everything. The more I tried to hide, the more I sort of weeded myself out. Yet, the more I tried to exercise control, the more lost things become. The dilemma isn't frustrating, my lack of focus is. Point is, I don't really know what I'm up to anymore.
All I can think about is running off to a quiet corner, for a long time, with..
But well, if its any surprise, someone is actually able to completely disregard the environment, the surroundings, just to stick the nose in books during the exams. I am thoroughly impressed. =D
Never met anyone so dedicated to work in such a way. Neither have I been so ousted by material and academic pursuits. While my youth continues to fade away and elude me, I found myself struggling to make up for lost time. And in this instance, it would have been great to give moral support, feed the best foods, just to help make things better.
Alas, I think I am totally wishfully thinking.
I just got home, gonna hit the showers. Will see what other ideas I have in stored.
I've strangely developed a liking for nonsense. The more nonsensical, the better. And they I'll just run off. Seems like fun.
It was pouring when I left town earlier on, and was almost caught out when the expressway got closed. Thankful for all the past car rides that I began recognising more roads than I would have. Routing around was a breeze, and zooming out the storm clouds just in time. Well, not for long. They've reached the house...
Oh, I wanted to blog about what's happening here.
I would normally not speak, let alone blog, about my very most taboo dates, but we're in the Lunar Seventh Month, the Ghost Festival as its called, where the belief that during this month, the gates of Hell opens, allowing the tormented souls, or ghosts, to roam the earth freely. People would offer incense, joss paper, and other assortment of items and foods to enrich and feed them.
I've hardly spoken much about it, but as I grew older, I found myself even more fascinated by my scares than the taboo in itself. The teenage years were heavily warned about going out at night in the Seventh Month, probably to scare us into staying in. So for that duration, house chores were especially done...
Anyway, this be the month that small communities unite and pitch up road shows, Getai, to entertain those lost ones who had nowhere to go. These shows could be massive multi-tiered shows of song, dance and comic, or small shows with skits, decked out in bright lights and auctions. One heartening thing I've always noticed, was how these communities put together money, not just to put up the shows, but to buy basic groceries for distribution to the less endowed. But as I've also observed, such practises are more formalities than sincere these days.
Nonetheless, the practise goes on, with or without the knowledge of its original intent.
I would love to post some pictures on some of these I've mentioned, but perhaps some parts of me still believe in the taboo tales of capturing the wondering ones on camera.
Anyhow, Jean got back for a few days, and her reasoning was one of the most piercing I've ever received: for the same duration, even if she wines and dines with her friends in Australia for about the same price as the air ticket, she might as well be back here, and do the same with us, her old friends she left behind.
She did say she left us behind. Fact is, I think I was more happy for her than wanting her to stay. Everyone has something to look forward to, and she has. And to me, that's the best thing in life.
As with my last few entries, I'm currently caught in between, everything. The more I tried to hide, the more I sort of weeded myself out. Yet, the more I tried to exercise control, the more lost things become. The dilemma isn't frustrating, my lack of focus is. Point is, I don't really know what I'm up to anymore.
All I can think about is running off to a quiet corner, for a long time, with..
But well, if its any surprise, someone is actually able to completely disregard the environment, the surroundings, just to stick the nose in books during the exams. I am thoroughly impressed. =D
Never met anyone so dedicated to work in such a way. Neither have I been so ousted by material and academic pursuits. While my youth continues to fade away and elude me, I found myself struggling to make up for lost time. And in this instance, it would have been great to give moral support, feed the best foods, just to help make things better.
Alas, I think I am totally wishfully thinking.
Monday, August 24, 2009
iN ALL FAiRNESS
What is fair? That while the world spins, I sit here begging for empathy to no avail? Or that I get to do nothing, while someone else has their hands full?
My body now feels like a hundred tons, sluggish and inactive, and my mind is nothing but sleepy, struggling even to form correct sentences here. Which would be the lesser evil? That I let myself rot and be human, or be sidelined, inhumanely?
The closer I edge towards my getaway, the more depressing I become. What the hell should I do.
My body now feels like a hundred tons, sluggish and inactive, and my mind is nothing but sleepy, struggling even to form correct sentences here. Which would be the lesser evil? That I let myself rot and be human, or be sidelined, inhumanely?
The closer I edge towards my getaway, the more depressing I become. What the hell should I do.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
FLOATiNG iN FiNiTY
I gotta admit I'm thinking too much about that. Wishful thinking on my part that people would reciprocate my good intents with a least some appreciation. Alas, I was utterly dismissed like smoke in the air, and left lying on the floor as an empty canter.
If my disappointment had a name, it would be called "dire".
No time to blog cos of some stupid projects which I'm paid peanuts, or probably not even paid for. Fuck.
If my disappointment had a name, it would be called "dire".
No time to blog cos of some stupid projects which I'm paid peanuts, or probably not even paid for. Fuck.
Friday, August 21, 2009
HOLES
I was expecting the entire night for something to happen. Nothing happened. And I just sat stoned back in front of the computer in my room. Could have been good, could have been worse, but all I know is that I'm staring blank, till I decided to just blog.
Couldn't pick any music for the mood cos I can't even identify what this feeling is. Probably a first time for everything.
Met this young aspiring actor/singer trying to make a break today. He was late for his appointment, and was quite defensive on the way in. Confidence in each step, every word, and bodily action. Until I hit back.
I didn't mean to, but I was under the weather (even now) and desperately trying to get home, and I wasn't going to let any attitudes or bitchiness get me. So I barked back, and I think I kinda dented his front. LOL. Just a little k?
Anyway, when we were done with whatever we needed to get done, it started to pour. Got stuck at the studio for a good 2 hours before packing up and heading out into the wet roads. The rain had stopped, but prayers for the Hungry Ghosts were still going on.
It's a strange vibe tonight. What I had wished for all seemed too wildly ridiculous. Yeah, out with a bang!
Was really hoping to hear from Ron, but doubt he's gonna be awake. A holiday is what I would need myself. Talk about deja vu. Thing is, amidst all these craziness, I seem to dwell within myself and bang my head harder against loneliness. Writing more songs will help, simply because it takes away the pain most of the time. And make me realise more of what I already have, than to find a greater denominator.
Alas, I'm very close to calling it quits - everything. Perhaps the band thing exerted a rougher impact than I would imagine, or anticipated, yet, nothing like this has ever happened before. Risa asked me something that prompted me to say that I've dedicated myself in the last 10 years to the team and band. Now, I'm simply clueless about what comes next. And yet, clueless is an understatement.
Like they say, whatever comes, comes. I'm so tired. Yet only a select few could make me feel like I'm special, rather than a wimp who cannot stand firm on his feet, still largely in hiding, and totally afraid to open up.
In truth, I can't stand myself at this point. I don't know what has come over me, but I just can't stand it anymore. Like a movie, the plot is lost, the acting pales, and the closing credits simply too short.
It's a really uphill task to try find myself again.
Couldn't pick any music for the mood cos I can't even identify what this feeling is. Probably a first time for everything.
Met this young aspiring actor/singer trying to make a break today. He was late for his appointment, and was quite defensive on the way in. Confidence in each step, every word, and bodily action. Until I hit back.
I didn't mean to, but I was under the weather (even now) and desperately trying to get home, and I wasn't going to let any attitudes or bitchiness get me. So I barked back, and I think I kinda dented his front. LOL. Just a little k?
Anyway, when we were done with whatever we needed to get done, it started to pour. Got stuck at the studio for a good 2 hours before packing up and heading out into the wet roads. The rain had stopped, but prayers for the Hungry Ghosts were still going on.
It's a strange vibe tonight. What I had wished for all seemed too wildly ridiculous. Yeah, out with a bang!
Was really hoping to hear from Ron, but doubt he's gonna be awake. A holiday is what I would need myself. Talk about deja vu. Thing is, amidst all these craziness, I seem to dwell within myself and bang my head harder against loneliness. Writing more songs will help, simply because it takes away the pain most of the time. And make me realise more of what I already have, than to find a greater denominator.
Alas, I'm very close to calling it quits - everything. Perhaps the band thing exerted a rougher impact than I would imagine, or anticipated, yet, nothing like this has ever happened before. Risa asked me something that prompted me to say that I've dedicated myself in the last 10 years to the team and band. Now, I'm simply clueless about what comes next. And yet, clueless is an understatement.
Like they say, whatever comes, comes. I'm so tired. Yet only a select few could make me feel like I'm special, rather than a wimp who cannot stand firm on his feet, still largely in hiding, and totally afraid to open up.
In truth, I can't stand myself at this point. I don't know what has come over me, but I just can't stand it anymore. Like a movie, the plot is lost, the acting pales, and the closing credits simply too short.
It's a really uphill task to try find myself again.
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