I've found myself to be a whole lot more calm these days - in terms of making decisions or listening to ideas. It's becoming increasingly difficult for me to jump on something and just say go: it's become more rational, more logical, more sensible. Okay, sounds like growing up, but to put it simply, older people can be dead stupid sometimes. Reversals usually occurs so.
Migration.
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
RED BEASTIAN
I'm very put off today, and to think wearing red underwear curses and blesses - even without I can be so hammered by some people! Okay okay, jokes aside, I'm idling at the office so decided to whine here a little.
I'm a little wasting my time for the moment cos I'm trying to figure out how to respond to a ridiculous demand. Nonetheless, I think coming up with a solution is instant, but coming up with a NEAT solution would be quite intricate. Either way, I think I've got a good idea! Will report soon~!
I'm a little wasting my time for the moment cos I'm trying to figure out how to respond to a ridiculous demand. Nonetheless, I think coming up with a solution is instant, but coming up with a NEAT solution would be quite intricate. Either way, I think I've got a good idea! Will report soon~!
HEAT BEASTIAN
Okay, I think the tbloggers are getting really intense over my posts, so I'm seeking shelter here for the time being. But if you're interested, check it out by clicking the title anyway.
It's funny how people can be so intrigued by titles and strange posts, it is almost like a phenomenon, where something is posted, and celebrity-attention engulfs it. I am a self-professed attention seeker outright, but I'm too private a person to even need a second look when I don't need it.
Either way, I soon discovered that extreme posts make people stay and hang around much more than laments or idle-talk. It does not matter if it was good or bad news, as long as it is extreme, you win.
Nonetheless, I haven't been able to update my blogs as proper as I would have hoped for, save the fact that I'm putting more thoughts into thoughts for that extra memory-effect. Oh well, cyberspace, for once, I think I will leave you for the most incredible adventure of my life! Hope I come in with some neat news later tonight!
Cheerios!
It's funny how people can be so intrigued by titles and strange posts, it is almost like a phenomenon, where something is posted, and celebrity-attention engulfs it. I am a self-professed attention seeker outright, but I'm too private a person to even need a second look when I don't need it.
Either way, I soon discovered that extreme posts make people stay and hang around much more than laments or idle-talk. It does not matter if it was good or bad news, as long as it is extreme, you win.
Nonetheless, I haven't been able to update my blogs as proper as I would have hoped for, save the fact that I'm putting more thoughts into thoughts for that extra memory-effect. Oh well, cyberspace, for once, I think I will leave you for the most incredible adventure of my life! Hope I come in with some neat news later tonight!
Cheerios!
Monday, May 29, 2006
HEART BEASTIAN REDUX
Loug'rev vu rejp'oe klaus:jif opr-etis ju'Ohev. Plorev juse'wia kilurv mog ouf vu ye'su-et hulo'yux kol:jid amouz-l p'er kuxl bielamoau ty'vcax vu nujic-xe juse'wia muclio-serozial.
And therefore, Beastian died of the ache that no longer breathes its longing. But before he even tried, a period of silence took over, leaving the vision clear as day, contrast like light in the dark, making the whole world spin before it in a slow motion.
And Heart Beastian died of his heartache that he spent his entire lifetime looking for its love, but eventually looking at the stars and asking - why.
And therefore, Beastian died of the ache that no longer breathes its longing. But before he even tried, a period of silence took over, leaving the vision clear as day, contrast like light in the dark, making the whole world spin before it in a slow motion.
And Heart Beastian died of his heartache that he spent his entire lifetime looking for its love, but eventually looking at the stars and asking - why.
Sunday, May 28, 2006
Saturday, May 27, 2006
Friday, May 26, 2006
TRUE FaITH
I've been trying to decide how to make my way up to see Jerry (of course, that being the official reason to take that trip anyway). Been checking up on airlines to car rentals, lodging to travel times, just about everything I can think of for preps, but nothing seemed to come across right. I would love to take a drive, but 5 hours?! That's quite tough even for a mildly seasoned driver like me.
Still, I must make this trip. I feel it in my bones that it is important, though I still cannot quite put my finger on. It doesn't matter what comes or what goes, as long as I get there to do what I intend to do there, I think I'll live happily ever after.
And of course, I'm sure Den will be glad.
Still, I must make this trip. I feel it in my bones that it is important, though I still cannot quite put my finger on. It doesn't matter what comes or what goes, as long as I get there to do what I intend to do there, I think I'll live happily ever after.
And of course, I'm sure Den will be glad.
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
THE SWEETEST THING
The sweetest thing was when you shed a tear for me when I could not pick myself up.
Monday, May 22, 2006
KINGFISHER
Do you know why Kingfishers have such vibrant blue? So that they match the blue skies when they fish.
How fascinating is nature?
And how fascinating is your love? That has bound me so closely ever since Day one. I'm beginning to hate you for that love spell.
How fascinating is nature?
And how fascinating is your love? That has bound me so closely ever since Day one. I'm beginning to hate you for that love spell.
Sunday, May 21, 2006
SO SHOOT ME
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Saturday, May 20, 2006
LONG
How much longer do I need to carry the facade on one end, and yet have no where to release all the tension on the other? The suspense killed me, the impatience buried me, the pretence slaughtered me, the heart ended me.
Tell me again, why there should be, or could be, or would be anything at the end of this road worth waiting for?
I stood up against tyranny today to completely be appeased.But restless I remained. I need to get moving soon before it rains hell-fire. Perhaps, the sign is given and the flare is lit: it's almost time.
Tell me again, why there should be, or could be, or would be anything at the end of this road worth waiting for?
I stood up against tyranny today to completely be appeased.But restless I remained. I need to get moving soon before it rains hell-fire. Perhaps, the sign is given and the flare is lit: it's almost time.
Friday, May 19, 2006
TODAY
Was the same thing. Nothing interests me. Nothing, except that imagery of holding my baby in my arms by the lake on a full-moon night.
I noticed a dip in stamina. In fact, a drastic drop. I have been breathing heavily recently, not too sure if it's cos of that, or just fatigue. It doesn't matter really, cos if I don't see my baby, nothing really matters.
I noticed a dip in stamina. In fact, a drastic drop. I have been breathing heavily recently, not too sure if it's cos of that, or just fatigue. It doesn't matter really, cos if I don't see my baby, nothing really matters.
Thursday, May 18, 2006
BLACK AND WHITE
Seems like I'm stuck in a monotone - what is there to add a dash of colors to when everything else stagnates, not because we stopped, but because we are being tied down?
I didn't see anything interesting today, except to look myself in the mirror and imagining you in my arms.
I didn't see anything interesting today, except to look myself in the mirror and imagining you in my arms.
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
SAPPHIRE SKY
Sapphire Sapphire
We Thread This Thin Wire
We Thread It Way High Up The Sky
Yet We Don't Even Know Why
And When The Time Ensues To Be At The Perfect Place
We Stop In Our Steps, Take In That Perfect Grace
I Wish We Would Be Here, Frozen In Time
You In My Arms, Under Sapphire Sky
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
SOME PEOPLE DIDN'T BELIEVE IN YOU OR ME
And it's really sad.
It's been a constant distraction and I can't seem to shake it off at all. The start line has already passed and I can't see the end line being drawn at all. All I can imagine right now is what the end line is like, and I believe in it so whole-heartedly that I almost thought it was real.
The package arrived today, but the recipient wasn't there to receive it. What's worse, he's outta town. So it goes, after rushing to send it, and having spent like ten times more to speed up the courier, we end up back at square one - a timely delivery, but no recipients. Great.
I'm eager to find out if the package actually arrived intact: for one, I never trusted the postal services a full hundred, and definitely not the way they handle it when it changes hands. So now I gotta wait till the recipient returns before getting the verdict.
It's been drizzling sporadically, much the way I feel. I hope the feeling subsides sooner cos it's really dragging me down.
It's been a constant distraction and I can't seem to shake it off at all. The start line has already passed and I can't see the end line being drawn at all. All I can imagine right now is what the end line is like, and I believe in it so whole-heartedly that I almost thought it was real.
The package arrived today, but the recipient wasn't there to receive it. What's worse, he's outta town. So it goes, after rushing to send it, and having spent like ten times more to speed up the courier, we end up back at square one - a timely delivery, but no recipients. Great.
I'm eager to find out if the package actually arrived intact: for one, I never trusted the postal services a full hundred, and definitely not the way they handle it when it changes hands. So now I gotta wait till the recipient returns before getting the verdict.
It's been drizzling sporadically, much the way I feel. I hope the feeling subsides sooner cos it's really dragging me down.
Monday, May 15, 2006
AND I TOO
..would be without the love that I deserved. How much longer can one actually stop from being so overly persistent in waiting for that one, true, one?
I asked myself so many times for the last few days, but each time I fall deeper into it. It was almost as if nobody else mattered, and nothing else is needed. But if it was true, what is destined, will be. What not, will not be.
----------+----------
And Old Bill chose to spend one more day on earth. As he spoke, the Gates disappeared, and the angel stretched his wings wide: the wings seemed to spread infinitely into the skies, and as he looked up, light spewed forth from every direction, and Old Bill felt as if being sucked into a hurricane. The next thing he need, he was back in his kitchen with the phone in his hand. The cocoa spilled but the cup was still intact from the fall.
Paul answered the phone, "Hey Bill, is that you?"
"Yeah, and I think I had a heart attack Paul. Could you come over?" "Alright Old Bill! You hang in there, I'll call for help but you keep relaxed. Be right over!"
Minutes later, an ambulance arrived. The paramedics took a good look at Old Bill, and sent him to the town hospital. Paul arrived moments later, and although Old Bill was alright, he could not help but still feel worried.
"Oh Bill, what can I do to make you better?"
And a whole night of conversation went on. Paul slept beside Old Bill's bed when they got tired, but all this time, Old Bill was just happy to be alive, at least for a day.
Old Bill was discharged the next morning, and Paul decided to stay by his side for the rest of the day. As they chatted more endearingly, Old Bill kept praying that he could just have more time. Alas, at that exact same hour, Old Bill had another heart attack, and this time, he knew his time was up.
What happened next was exactly the same as it happened the first time - Old Bill woke in the plains, and the angel called out to him. Paul rushed Old Bill to the hospital to no avail; the angel asked Old Bill, "Well, Old Bill. What has changed? Are you content?"
To which, Old Bill nodded sadly, and tears welled in his eyes.
The angel laughed, "Silly Old Bill! Do not cry, for Paul lives and will remember you, as you were, alive!" With that, the clouds cleared again and revealed the magnificent Gates. The Gates opened slowly, and inside, great tapestry lined the walls of gold and silver, and the huge halls were nothing short of being furnished with the most incredible jewels Old Bill had ever seen.
"Come, let us go inside for the finest cocoa this hall can offer!"
I asked myself so many times for the last few days, but each time I fall deeper into it. It was almost as if nobody else mattered, and nothing else is needed. But if it was true, what is destined, will be. What not, will not be.
And Old Bill chose to spend one more day on earth. As he spoke, the Gates disappeared, and the angel stretched his wings wide: the wings seemed to spread infinitely into the skies, and as he looked up, light spewed forth from every direction, and Old Bill felt as if being sucked into a hurricane. The next thing he need, he was back in his kitchen with the phone in his hand. The cocoa spilled but the cup was still intact from the fall.
Paul answered the phone, "Hey Bill, is that you?"
"Yeah, and I think I had a heart attack Paul. Could you come over?" "Alright Old Bill! You hang in there, I'll call for help but you keep relaxed. Be right over!"
Minutes later, an ambulance arrived. The paramedics took a good look at Old Bill, and sent him to the town hospital. Paul arrived moments later, and although Old Bill was alright, he could not help but still feel worried.
"Oh Bill, what can I do to make you better?"
And a whole night of conversation went on. Paul slept beside Old Bill's bed when they got tired, but all this time, Old Bill was just happy to be alive, at least for a day.
Old Bill was discharged the next morning, and Paul decided to stay by his side for the rest of the day. As they chatted more endearingly, Old Bill kept praying that he could just have more time. Alas, at that exact same hour, Old Bill had another heart attack, and this time, he knew his time was up.
What happened next was exactly the same as it happened the first time - Old Bill woke in the plains, and the angel called out to him. Paul rushed Old Bill to the hospital to no avail; the angel asked Old Bill, "Well, Old Bill. What has changed? Are you content?"
To which, Old Bill nodded sadly, and tears welled in his eyes.
The angel laughed, "Silly Old Bill! Do not cry, for Paul lives and will remember you, as you were, alive!" With that, the clouds cleared again and revealed the magnificent Gates. The Gates opened slowly, and inside, great tapestry lined the walls of gold and silver, and the huge halls were nothing short of being furnished with the most incredible jewels Old Bill had ever seen.
"Come, let us go inside for the finest cocoa this hall can offer!"
Saturday, May 13, 2006
TAKE MY HAND
Won't you just take my hand, walk my way, and we will find the sweetest place! To fall in love yet again... Over and over till our time fills and ends the day.
And I just found out that the internet is crawling with useless products that probably don't need? Instead, you get to buy bombs and radioactive materials, little accessories which are a pure waste of time, and equipment that only a space shuttle will require?
Try searching for something so mundane and you end up with historical archives and writings, theories, subject matters, and everything else all except - that thing.
Cyberspace, I'm beat. Need sleep. Good night.
*Blogspot Exclusive:
I hate to admit but being desperately in love, being hopelessely in love can be so...wonderful. It is a torture when hands don't hold, and definitely a pain when hearts don't beat. But there you go: reality gets the better of everything, every time.
Now if you could, tag me and show me some love, cos love is that one thing money honestly cannot buy.
And I just found out that the internet is crawling with useless products that probably don't need? Instead, you get to buy bombs and radioactive materials, little accessories which are a pure waste of time, and equipment that only a space shuttle will require?
Try searching for something so mundane and you end up with historical archives and writings, theories, subject matters, and everything else all except - that thing.
Cyberspace, I'm beat. Need sleep. Good night.
*Blogspot Exclusive:
I hate to admit but being desperately in love, being hopelessely in love can be so...wonderful. It is a torture when hands don't hold, and definitely a pain when hearts don't beat. But there you go: reality gets the better of everything, every time.
Now if you could, tag me and show me some love, cos love is that one thing money honestly cannot buy.
Friday, May 12, 2006
PYRO
I should be in the movies. I think I can really act. I think I can win an award for my trying on the role of that happy-go-lucky. I think I'll get my make over done to don on the covers of magazines. I think I'll make the perfect villain for a cheesy B-Grade film. I think I am quite smart for a dead-end script. I think I would prepare my acceptance and thank you speech for my awards ceremony. I think I thought I was thinking too much.
Facts caught up with me today when I sat at the usual coffee shop sipping drink slurping lunch - broke and completely unsustainable. Today's Vesak Day, what, honestly, can I ask?
Health to strengthen my batteries so that I can screw up more? Longetivity so that I can see how bad I eventually do? Wealth so that I don't need to work so hard and start praying for health or longetivity? Or should I plain ask why.
Why I've got the most precious of things on this earth, yet unable to fulfill them. I'm a thing too, and I'm precious. But. So?!
2 souls cried today - one over love, the other over love. I saw one, heard the other. All because of love. The honey sap that turned bad.
----------+----------
The continuation of my parcel story: went straight up to the lady behind the counter, "I want a box." Paid, then loaded my stuff in wrote the address, went up to another lady behind the counter, "I want to send this parcel." She received it, and I asked next, "How soon?" That's when she said, "1 to 3 working days starting from Monday."
Great. So getting it to the post office getting the parcel registered getting the fastest mode of mailing getting it quite expensively and getting it all out taking me close to half an hour, all just to have it arrive earliest next Monday. Just great. Looks like the weekend's squandered. Sorry box.
I think I'm sleepy...
Yeah I think I am.
Facts caught up with me today when I sat at the usual coffee shop sipping drink slurping lunch - broke and completely unsustainable. Today's Vesak Day, what, honestly, can I ask?
Health to strengthen my batteries so that I can screw up more? Longetivity so that I can see how bad I eventually do? Wealth so that I don't need to work so hard and start praying for health or longetivity? Or should I plain ask why.
Why I've got the most precious of things on this earth, yet unable to fulfill them. I'm a thing too, and I'm precious. But. So?!
2 souls cried today - one over love, the other over love. I saw one, heard the other. All because of love. The honey sap that turned bad.
The continuation of my parcel story: went straight up to the lady behind the counter, "I want a box." Paid, then loaded my stuff in wrote the address, went up to another lady behind the counter, "I want to send this parcel." She received it, and I asked next, "How soon?" That's when she said, "1 to 3 working days starting from Monday."
Great. So getting it to the post office getting the parcel registered getting the fastest mode of mailing getting it quite expensively and getting it all out taking me close to half an hour, all just to have it arrive earliest next Monday. Just great. Looks like the weekend's squandered. Sorry box.
I think I'm sleepy...
Yeah I think I am.
Thursday, May 11, 2006
ILLUSION
*Exclusive on BLOGSPOT: this is the toughest blog to manage since tblog... screwed up my settings like the upteenth time and yet, layout's still wrong...grr...
Picked this word up from the song, "Praise", originally written by Mario some time back, which I took, arranged, recorded, and performed on. I just like the last bit though, it's just somewhere between wanting to do it and not doing it.
And Colin + Kero... cute mah! Cherisse say not cute...
I stole some time out of today to stone a little, wipe the mind blank, and just to forget I am alive. Whenever it feels the uphill journey's gonna crash, I'll withdraw into a stage of holes, where every step is a risk of falling through. Reasons aplenty to do just that today, not because work took a toll, I mean, it sort of did? But I think it's all about emotions. If I can put emoticons here for today's, it be one of rainbow in a thunderstorm.
Came to realise the fundamental theory of being - we're born hungry. Just that. It's all about filling the tummy and switching off. Challenge me on that.
Courteously called an express company today to send a parcel out, asked like a hundred questions, queried another thousand ifs, then told me this: they can't sent negotiable items. And what's that you ask? I was trying to send some CD's and fashion accessories out. And did I hear you ask why can't they send those? The answer is: they can't send negotiable items. Are you wondering like me about why they can't make an exception? The reply was: they can't send negotiable items. So what's negotiable items? They told me they are the items I was trying to send. And why can't they send negotiable items like CDs and accessories? Simple: cos they are negotiable items. Right. Ask this company again and they'll probably tell you, "Dunno How La!"
So I searched other express companies, and apparently you can't send things like (mind you, they are actually in the company policies and government laws): Explosives (duh), Perishables (double duh), items with values higher than their original purchased values (DUH DUH DUH - like what?! shit?!), and it's like this whole long list of duh items. Ok. Maybe I'm ignorant about the laws, the regulations, the policies and whatever other rules there are, but I JUST WANT TO SEND A PARCEL!
So I came up with this idea of getting my friend to send it right, and I asked how much can I pay him to do it. Trust me, I might as well fly there myself. So I figured why not just pay a cab and get it driven just bloody delivered, then my friend said, "yeah right, he takes the money and the parcel, drives halfway through, dumps it out the cab, and goes home." Good point there though. So I finally settled, snail mail. Urgent, but, what choices do I have?
Anal. Dunno How La!
I thought this Easy-Black color scheme softens the white impact a little, easier on the eyes, and softer on the tones. Then again, what eyes and what tones?!
17,+++ Visitors since nobody-knows-when. So now have lucky draw! The 20,000th visitor will win:
(Drum roll)
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
100 tBucks! So start telling all your friends about it!
Picked this word up from the song, "Praise", originally written by Mario some time back, which I took, arranged, recorded, and performed on. I just like the last bit though, it's just somewhere between wanting to do it and not doing it.
And Colin + Kero... cute mah! Cherisse say not cute...
I stole some time out of today to stone a little, wipe the mind blank, and just to forget I am alive. Whenever it feels the uphill journey's gonna crash, I'll withdraw into a stage of holes, where every step is a risk of falling through. Reasons aplenty to do just that today, not because work took a toll, I mean, it sort of did? But I think it's all about emotions. If I can put emoticons here for today's, it be one of rainbow in a thunderstorm.
Came to realise the fundamental theory of being - we're born hungry. Just that. It's all about filling the tummy and switching off. Challenge me on that.
Courteously called an express company today to send a parcel out, asked like a hundred questions, queried another thousand ifs, then told me this: they can't sent negotiable items. And what's that you ask? I was trying to send some CD's and fashion accessories out. And did I hear you ask why can't they send those? The answer is: they can't send negotiable items. Are you wondering like me about why they can't make an exception? The reply was: they can't send negotiable items. So what's negotiable items? They told me they are the items I was trying to send. And why can't they send negotiable items like CDs and accessories? Simple: cos they are negotiable items. Right. Ask this company again and they'll probably tell you, "Dunno How La!"
So I searched other express companies, and apparently you can't send things like (mind you, they are actually in the company policies and government laws): Explosives (duh), Perishables (double duh), items with values higher than their original purchased values (DUH DUH DUH - like what?! shit?!), and it's like this whole long list of duh items. Ok. Maybe I'm ignorant about the laws, the regulations, the policies and whatever other rules there are, but I JUST WANT TO SEND A PARCEL!
So I came up with this idea of getting my friend to send it right, and I asked how much can I pay him to do it. Trust me, I might as well fly there myself. So I figured why not just pay a cab and get it driven just bloody delivered, then my friend said, "yeah right, he takes the money and the parcel, drives halfway through, dumps it out the cab, and goes home." Good point there though. So I finally settled, snail mail. Urgent, but, what choices do I have?
Anal. Dunno How La!
I thought this Easy-Black color scheme softens the white impact a little, easier on the eyes, and softer on the tones. Then again, what eyes and what tones?!
17,+++ Visitors since nobody-knows-when. So now have lucky draw! The 20,000th visitor will win:
(Drum roll)
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
100 tBucks! So start telling all your friends about it!
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
PERFECCION
How is it like to love a mirror image? I queried the online love matches on astrology: what's it like to love someone like yourself?
Strangely, it's explosive!
I woke this morning with a slight snag in my back, apparently been sleeping on stuff that I've been throwing all over bed, and they just stayed there. And here I am, lamenting about it.
Someone said I didn't sound resigned enough, and I asked how it should sound like. Then this whole black, white, grey thing all came up, and kinda went nowhere. I think I'm just trying to waste some time here to make it seem worthwhile staying online for tonight.
A big package is going out later, and I'm just not too sure how to send it. Hmm.
I need color.
Strangely, it's explosive!
I woke this morning with a slight snag in my back, apparently been sleeping on stuff that I've been throwing all over bed, and they just stayed there. And here I am, lamenting about it.
Someone said I didn't sound resigned enough, and I asked how it should sound like. Then this whole black, white, grey thing all came up, and kinda went nowhere. I think I'm just trying to waste some time here to make it seem worthwhile staying online for tonight.
A big package is going out later, and I'm just not too sure how to send it. Hmm.
I need color.
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
BLACK
You blacked my world.
It seems I caused a bit of civil unrest in real life via the last post - relax. I'm a peaceful being ;) Just don't let me see the select few and I should be as well behaved as a trained pup.
----------+----------
I walked out of the train station today and saw 2 blind people walking out the lift, sticks in hand, holding one another... but people just shunned from their paths.
At lunch, I sat at the coffeeshop people watching, saw this old man across the street, staggering in small steps to keep moving.
I heard about a boyfriend getting caught in bed today with someone else.
I was told about an incident involving molest.
I recalled how poverty kills.
And how jealousy spills.
I...
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I learnt to stop crying at the age of 18, when I was ushered into the bus and sent to the camp. Crying, no matter how muted, how private, how soft, how hurt, how little, I never did ever since.
I learnt to grow up from being a spoilt street brat and moving on to becoming one of the more reliable people around.
I learnt to forgive myself for being selfless, and for giving more than asked for.
I finally learnt what peace will be.
And I, would still like to... many things.
----------+----------
I've always liked black and white.
It seems I caused a bit of civil unrest in real life via the last post - relax. I'm a peaceful being ;) Just don't let me see the select few and I should be as well behaved as a trained pup.
I walked out of the train station today and saw 2 blind people walking out the lift, sticks in hand, holding one another... but people just shunned from their paths.
At lunch, I sat at the coffeeshop people watching, saw this old man across the street, staggering in small steps to keep moving.
I heard about a boyfriend getting caught in bed today with someone else.
I was told about an incident involving molest.
I recalled how poverty kills.
And how jealousy spills.
I...
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I learnt to stop crying at the age of 18, when I was ushered into the bus and sent to the camp. Crying, no matter how muted, how private, how soft, how hurt, how little, I never did ever since.
I learnt to grow up from being a spoilt street brat and moving on to becoming one of the more reliable people around.
I learnt to forgive myself for being selfless, and for giving more than asked for.
I finally learnt what peace will be.
And I, would still like to... many things.
I've always liked black and white.
Monday, May 08, 2006
6TH
I think I finally succumbed to my mental tortures - it's a whole mental meltdown far worse than watchin Chernobyl right in front of my eyes, or a fledging passenger flight dashing into the WTC. Cyberspace never felt this good cos everything else is factual, nothing else is real; and nothing is ever factual, and all things become unreal.
I spoke to the table today and it said it got tired of standing; the chair said likewise; the bed had it worse: it can't sleep within itself.
I also made up my mind - I'm leaving. For sure. It'll only be a matter of time. I can no longer comprehend the vastness of people taking advantage of people, nor can I truly appreciate how much sincerity is now worth. I gave my heart, but the world consumed it like some dark evil character in an anime picture that freezes over a spot of light. Such irony - when you feed yourself with pure white hopes, and the return key shows you on-screen the bleakiest picture ever.
Jean, I need a shrink. I mean it.
And then, hope stood between choices and decisions. Which do you go for? Truth? or go down with a fight? I fucking hate them. And by them, yeah, I meant those who helped pushed and zipped my devious plan to paint a beautiful picture of love.
I hate them.
To the core.
I hate them. I really do. So much so I'll remember the 6th for the rest of my fucking life, which honestly, won't be too long.
Tell me about karma? I'll tell you about real life. I walk the streets every day looking at impossibles being done; I read in the news till I'm sick of the media; I hear stories till I find myself vomitting and falling cancerously sick; and what then? Tell me about karma? I'll tell you what survival does to a man.
He kills to live and swears to defend; threatens to get and loves just so to be forgotten. So ask me about real life again, no, don't even try asking me what love is. Try asking me about real life, and you see me, a real living person trying to survive.
I don't know what got into me. Really. I wish I knew, but it seems finding out why doesn't really matter anymore for I find no use for information of facts and figures, uninteresting, disruptive, and even irritating at his very moment in time, much like an active volcano that is purely uninterested in who lives below or what tide it'll bring.
Dear divined: You put me here today to suffer the wrath of what I have done before. Yet, you give me the best things I've ever had in this life. You torment my weak soul and break my mental strength. Please. Let me breathe. I need to breathe. I need to breathe.
And no matter what excuses, elaborations, reasons, or words said about my poor old zipper, I hencforth hold the 6th tormentingly haunting in my head.
I live a real life. Are you living a real life?
For those who frequent, not that I do not support your cause, but cyberspace has been a dear friend for many years, and I honestly don't want myself to be abused any further with forceful anticipation or reception. The spectacle of a hated fallen comrade wields great emotional powers that may eventually bring grief, but who else's gonna cry you a tear when your comrade dies.
I want to leave.
All the things that you might rememeber,
And all that hurts you cannot recover...
Some things were not meant to endeavor,
And the reason starts to blur altogether...
That is what life be - REQ
I spoke to the table today and it said it got tired of standing; the chair said likewise; the bed had it worse: it can't sleep within itself.
I also made up my mind - I'm leaving. For sure. It'll only be a matter of time. I can no longer comprehend the vastness of people taking advantage of people, nor can I truly appreciate how much sincerity is now worth. I gave my heart, but the world consumed it like some dark evil character in an anime picture that freezes over a spot of light. Such irony - when you feed yourself with pure white hopes, and the return key shows you on-screen the bleakiest picture ever.
Jean, I need a shrink. I mean it.
And then, hope stood between choices and decisions. Which do you go for? Truth? or go down with a fight? I fucking hate them. And by them, yeah, I meant those who helped pushed and zipped my devious plan to paint a beautiful picture of love.
I hate them.
To the core.
I hate them. I really do. So much so I'll remember the 6th for the rest of my fucking life, which honestly, won't be too long.
Tell me about karma? I'll tell you about real life. I walk the streets every day looking at impossibles being done; I read in the news till I'm sick of the media; I hear stories till I find myself vomitting and falling cancerously sick; and what then? Tell me about karma? I'll tell you what survival does to a man.
He kills to live and swears to defend; threatens to get and loves just so to be forgotten. So ask me about real life again, no, don't even try asking me what love is. Try asking me about real life, and you see me, a real living person trying to survive.
I don't know what got into me. Really. I wish I knew, but it seems finding out why doesn't really matter anymore for I find no use for information of facts and figures, uninteresting, disruptive, and even irritating at his very moment in time, much like an active volcano that is purely uninterested in who lives below or what tide it'll bring.
Dear divined: You put me here today to suffer the wrath of what I have done before. Yet, you give me the best things I've ever had in this life. You torment my weak soul and break my mental strength. Please. Let me breathe. I need to breathe. I need to breathe.
And no matter what excuses, elaborations, reasons, or words said about my poor old zipper, I hencforth hold the 6th tormentingly haunting in my head.
I live a real life. Are you living a real life?
For those who frequent, not that I do not support your cause, but cyberspace has been a dear friend for many years, and I honestly don't want myself to be abused any further with forceful anticipation or reception. The spectacle of a hated fallen comrade wields great emotional powers that may eventually bring grief, but who else's gonna cry you a tear when your comrade dies.
I want to leave.
All the things that you might rememeber,
And all that hurts you cannot recover...
Some things were not meant to endeavor,
And the reason starts to blur altogether...
That is what life be - REQ
Sunday, May 07, 2006
STRANDED
OMG. I cannot concentrate. I'm missing my medication. I need help. D.C. will help. Only thing that will help.
GET
Hurt can be measured by what someone says, especially when more words in the vocabulary are being used. As far as it cares to go, hurt can become overly manipulative, obsessive, and somewhat perverse.
Take me for example, I hate to be questioned if I've been hurt; yet I cannot sit still or just toss in bed to sleep it away. And my best weapon against ill-emotions is to throw it all in a song.
But fact is, hurt is only mere words stringed together to form a nonsensical passage of time. And this time can be better utilised in terms of energy translation and pure diversion of interests; and by interests I mean people, things, hobbies, activities and so forth. Hence, if it can be measured, what is your quotient, say, as compared to joy or excitement?
----------+----------
The last message I received was at 4:01PM. And was I doing? Sleeping. And why was I sleeping? Good question.
Take me for example, I hate to be questioned if I've been hurt; yet I cannot sit still or just toss in bed to sleep it away. And my best weapon against ill-emotions is to throw it all in a song.
But fact is, hurt is only mere words stringed together to form a nonsensical passage of time. And this time can be better utilised in terms of energy translation and pure diversion of interests; and by interests I mean people, things, hobbies, activities and so forth. Hence, if it can be measured, what is your quotient, say, as compared to joy or excitement?
The last message I received was at 4:01PM. And was I doing? Sleeping. And why was I sleeping? Good question.
HILL
It's strange - not that I'm complaining but tblog can use a decent updating system. It's been a rather trying time to access and update, and for a faithful subscriber like me, it's getting quite tough to keep myself here.
But fact is, it's getting harder to blog. Not that I don't have the time, but it's just one of those periods you suddenly feel like there's nothing to blog about, talk about, or even think about.
Something big came up lately, and by all good, I'm very impatient to get a hold of it, make sense of it, and even just be with it. I know it ain't going to be easy, but somehow it gave a brand new direction, a brand new motivation, even a proper introduction and initiation.
And I'm talking about D.C. with a lot of affiliations and emotions attached. It's like, suddenly, a rock can nail a wall in, and a sponge can hold a house up.
Such a major force is god-like - you waltz into the party like a superstar or get whizzed into the mountain summits like some VIP on a speed and steroids concoction.
It's kinda rare these days that I have any premonitions about my own future and those of others - perhaps I so chose to block it out and not be so hung up about it, or perhaps it just doesn't come anymore. But I think I just don't wanna know. I really don't, but one came.
Did I mention that I hadn't had sun for a while now. I love the sun - for the years I've been keeping myself in dinghy dark studios, this is like revenge. Anyways, this was started like 8 hours ago, but I guess I took my time. What's happening with everyone else?
But fact is, it's getting harder to blog. Not that I don't have the time, but it's just one of those periods you suddenly feel like there's nothing to blog about, talk about, or even think about.
Something big came up lately, and by all good, I'm very impatient to get a hold of it, make sense of it, and even just be with it. I know it ain't going to be easy, but somehow it gave a brand new direction, a brand new motivation, even a proper introduction and initiation.
And I'm talking about D.C. with a lot of affiliations and emotions attached. It's like, suddenly, a rock can nail a wall in, and a sponge can hold a house up.
Such a major force is god-like - you waltz into the party like a superstar or get whizzed into the mountain summits like some VIP on a speed and steroids concoction.
It's kinda rare these days that I have any premonitions about my own future and those of others - perhaps I so chose to block it out and not be so hung up about it, or perhaps it just doesn't come anymore. But I think I just don't wanna know. I really don't, but one came.
Did I mention that I hadn't had sun for a while now. I love the sun - for the years I've been keeping myself in dinghy dark studios, this is like revenge. Anyways, this was started like 8 hours ago, but I guess I took my time. What's happening with everyone else?
Monday, May 01, 2006
AND WHEN THE WORLD DON'T UNDERSTAND
You do.
Aquarians have this perculiar sense of being themselves. They can't seem to adjust to conformity and certainly cannot withdraw themselves from ambiquity. It's like talking to a wall on a mundane day, and meeting the volcano on New Year's Eve. The most horrednous trait - they know!
At different stages in life, we see a shift in believes and self-fulfilling prophecies. Some make good of life, others thrash the very fabric of living. And it tears away on some very strong-willed goals that, once achieved wields no sense of satisfaction or gratification, or once failed, embroils a whole brewery of excuses, explanations, or reasons. But whatever's the case, life isn't the bitch.
And so I heard this really incredible love story of living, hatred, forgiveness, betrayal, and repetition. I mean, not that I detest or emphatise, least of all feel the guilt of standing shoulder to shoulder to be called a victim or the murderer, it instead opens a bigger option of not doing it at all.
Even though, sporadically at different time, certain characters present themselves worthwhile of understanding and realising a situation we're in, no one, and I therefore conclude, not one single person can fully comprehend the vastness of experiences and reasons to indulge in someone else's life, when they have one of their own, or when they do not, they cannot be bothered simply because their own is not worth anything to themselves.
Do you ever notice how the mouse scroll button take you to the bottom of the page no matter how little you scroll - after 2 touches, you're at the bottom. This is a parallel to falling victim to "Trying to Understand". You get to the bottom of it yet have no idea why you're there in the first place. So why fanthom anything at all when what matters most is yourself?
True, because you can care less. Not true because you're Aquarian, the all-round people's people, the powerhouse of freedom, and the victim of philosophies.
Take the everyday street person, the mofos, the weirdoes, the beggar - none make the mark of girly subway travel of life simply because no such thing ever existed for humankind, yet, a natural thing to every other living organism. How so? A leopard stalks its prey - if it gets it, it feeds, if it doesn't it moves on to the next. But the common man? He fails, he complains, he succeeds, he indulges. Was there one person in this world ever the first fine example of nature? Ghandi? Alexander? Lincoln? van Gogh? Weegee? Who did they want to benefit and exemplify? Other human beings.
And thus goes the threadworks of nature. Yet, this is where repairs are tried and tested on - Aquarians come to the rescue. Die tryin, it doesn't matter. Just die trying.
So when it gets to careers, they can't settle; when it gets to family, they need to embrace; when it gets to love;
They wait.
They can be blinded, and then, they'll wait.
So goes the story of Romeo and his beloved Juliet in a web of dumb mis-communication. Throw them a pair of mobile phones and see if the dumb tragic ever happens. Yet, it happened, and it happens. Simply because Aquarians cannot live without the sense of being lonely and out of love - the very condition that tears "gots" and "haves" yet gives rise to the very cosmopolitan space and time we're so familiar with. I never believed in suburbs and dainty towns; backward or not, it's always the same.
A farmer romps his pigs cos they were not producing at all. For ten mornings he stuck to his routine but still saw no results. By then, he was exhausted, and he decided to give up. The next morning the pigpen were a din - the pigs wanted the farmer! Nature at its best.
So when love came to town, what did the Aquarian say? He said he is crazily in love. And when life came to town, what did the Aquarian do? She celebrated her rebirth.
-------+-------
A man found himself shot in his chest during a freak gunfire showdown between the police and the local hoodlum. He collapsed on the floor and breathe easy, hoping someone would come his way and to his aid. He closed his eyes briefly and prayed, yet the shot rang loud in his ears.
As he pressed against his chest with excruciating pain, he remembered he was Aquarian, got up, and started making his own way to the hospital. Limping with all his might, and supporting himself with walls and pillars along the way, he made it to the doctor who operated and removed the bullet within the hour.
2 days after, he went home as if nothing went wrong, yet proud he survived, and showed off his scars to all his friends.
Then it happened again, deja vu, same spot, same place, same gunshot. He collapsed, and got up soon after, made his way down to the doctor, and survived yet again. Because he was Aquarian.
Twice he was shot, and twice he survived. Yet not one day was he happy about that - he was angry that the police could not clean their acts up, and the hoodlum couldn't control their operations; the residents weren't minding their business, and the government had certainly forgotten about them.
Then, an idiot came along, cleaned up the place, florished the economy, and made good all things nice. Barely 5 years and the place became the number one tourist haven - to which, the man was not happy. Because now he is lonely, and nobody cares. Because he was Aquarian.
What pleases Aquarians? Good question. No answer is the answer so that they can jolly well go look for or somehow come up with the answer. That pleases Aquarians.
-------+-------
Isn't it strange that love can take a beating because gut feelings say so? I heard this story and I went wild. Then I asked, to what price do we pay to pursue the one? And if fate says not, what would you do then?
And I finally understood what another friend said about his feelings for someone - that aching that was of never meant to be situation. That he finally found his one love, that he could never be with. And that, to him, was true love. To be by his love, yet, not to be with his love.
Then there was this other theory of basic needs: a girl friend said she had fallen in love, yet she could not say and could not love because it was not meant to be. Because she was not good enough. And because she was not Aquarian.
<
What then is real love? I conclude - is when it is unrequired and unacquired. For when you love, you throw too much in to get out. And when you get out, you don't love no more. Therefore, you will always love when you're in love. Unless otherwise, then it is not real love.
Hence the ultimate question is: were you ever in love? or did you ever loved? Or are you just playing along?
-------+-------
I couldn't post the picture of the party cos the ones in my camera were quite limited. So for those who did take some, please send them to me thank you!
I wish there's some kind of blackboard service for people to scribble notes yet they are all saved somewhere on the WWW. Ha~ guess not.
So till I get some more pictures, all I can say is that the party was a blast! Ha.
Aquarians have this perculiar sense of being themselves. They can't seem to adjust to conformity and certainly cannot withdraw themselves from ambiquity. It's like talking to a wall on a mundane day, and meeting the volcano on New Year's Eve. The most horrednous trait - they know!
At different stages in life, we see a shift in believes and self-fulfilling prophecies. Some make good of life, others thrash the very fabric of living. And it tears away on some very strong-willed goals that, once achieved wields no sense of satisfaction or gratification, or once failed, embroils a whole brewery of excuses, explanations, or reasons. But whatever's the case, life isn't the bitch.
And so I heard this really incredible love story of living, hatred, forgiveness, betrayal, and repetition. I mean, not that I detest or emphatise, least of all feel the guilt of standing shoulder to shoulder to be called a victim or the murderer, it instead opens a bigger option of not doing it at all.
Even though, sporadically at different time, certain characters present themselves worthwhile of understanding and realising a situation we're in, no one, and I therefore conclude, not one single person can fully comprehend the vastness of experiences and reasons to indulge in someone else's life, when they have one of their own, or when they do not, they cannot be bothered simply because their own is not worth anything to themselves.
Do you ever notice how the mouse scroll button take you to the bottom of the page no matter how little you scroll - after 2 touches, you're at the bottom. This is a parallel to falling victim to "Trying to Understand". You get to the bottom of it yet have no idea why you're there in the first place. So why fanthom anything at all when what matters most is yourself?
True, because you can care less. Not true because you're Aquarian, the all-round people's people, the powerhouse of freedom, and the victim of philosophies.
Take the everyday street person, the mofos, the weirdoes, the beggar - none make the mark of girly subway travel of life simply because no such thing ever existed for humankind, yet, a natural thing to every other living organism. How so? A leopard stalks its prey - if it gets it, it feeds, if it doesn't it moves on to the next. But the common man? He fails, he complains, he succeeds, he indulges. Was there one person in this world ever the first fine example of nature? Ghandi? Alexander? Lincoln? van Gogh? Weegee? Who did they want to benefit and exemplify? Other human beings.
And thus goes the threadworks of nature. Yet, this is where repairs are tried and tested on - Aquarians come to the rescue. Die tryin, it doesn't matter. Just die trying.
So when it gets to careers, they can't settle; when it gets to family, they need to embrace; when it gets to love;
They wait.
They can be blinded, and then, they'll wait.
So goes the story of Romeo and his beloved Juliet in a web of dumb mis-communication. Throw them a pair of mobile phones and see if the dumb tragic ever happens. Yet, it happened, and it happens. Simply because Aquarians cannot live without the sense of being lonely and out of love - the very condition that tears "gots" and "haves" yet gives rise to the very cosmopolitan space and time we're so familiar with. I never believed in suburbs and dainty towns; backward or not, it's always the same.
A farmer romps his pigs cos they were not producing at all. For ten mornings he stuck to his routine but still saw no results. By then, he was exhausted, and he decided to give up. The next morning the pigpen were a din - the pigs wanted the farmer! Nature at its best.
So when love came to town, what did the Aquarian say? He said he is crazily in love. And when life came to town, what did the Aquarian do? She celebrated her rebirth.
-------+-------
A man found himself shot in his chest during a freak gunfire showdown between the police and the local hoodlum. He collapsed on the floor and breathe easy, hoping someone would come his way and to his aid. He closed his eyes briefly and prayed, yet the shot rang loud in his ears.
As he pressed against his chest with excruciating pain, he remembered he was Aquarian, got up, and started making his own way to the hospital. Limping with all his might, and supporting himself with walls and pillars along the way, he made it to the doctor who operated and removed the bullet within the hour.
2 days after, he went home as if nothing went wrong, yet proud he survived, and showed off his scars to all his friends.
Then it happened again, deja vu, same spot, same place, same gunshot. He collapsed, and got up soon after, made his way down to the doctor, and survived yet again. Because he was Aquarian.
Twice he was shot, and twice he survived. Yet not one day was he happy about that - he was angry that the police could not clean their acts up, and the hoodlum couldn't control their operations; the residents weren't minding their business, and the government had certainly forgotten about them.
Then, an idiot came along, cleaned up the place, florished the economy, and made good all things nice. Barely 5 years and the place became the number one tourist haven - to which, the man was not happy. Because now he is lonely, and nobody cares. Because he was Aquarian.
What pleases Aquarians? Good question. No answer is the answer so that they can jolly well go look for or somehow come up with the answer. That pleases Aquarians.
-------+-------
Isn't it strange that love can take a beating because gut feelings say so? I heard this story and I went wild. Then I asked, to what price do we pay to pursue the one? And if fate says not, what would you do then?
And I finally understood what another friend said about his feelings for someone - that aching that was of never meant to be situation. That he finally found his one love, that he could never be with. And that, to him, was true love. To be by his love, yet, not to be with his love.
Then there was this other theory of basic needs: a girl friend said she had fallen in love, yet she could not say and could not love because it was not meant to be. Because she was not good enough. And because she was not Aquarian.
<
What then is real love? I conclude - is when it is unrequired and unacquired. For when you love, you throw too much in to get out. And when you get out, you don't love no more. Therefore, you will always love when you're in love. Unless otherwise, then it is not real love.
Hence the ultimate question is: were you ever in love? or did you ever loved? Or are you just playing along?
-------+-------
I couldn't post the picture of the party cos the ones in my camera were quite limited. So for those who did take some, please send them to me thank you!
I wish there's some kind of blackboard service for people to scribble notes yet they are all saved somewhere on the WWW. Ha~ guess not.
So till I get some more pictures, all I can say is that the party was a blast! Ha.
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