HAPPY SMiLES

That was what someone told me, about the thing I make others do most often.

I'm glad - for one, hidden behind a hideously gangster face, I actually managed to score something pleasant and uplifting. I asked someone else if I should at least cosmetically enhance my features for a gentler look, and coincidentally, I was given the inner-beauty praise.

If I were to put money aside, living with a better look could potentially score me better opportunities everywhere. This thought bothered me as much as excited me loads. Then again, would I be able to live with it. So for a change, I thought it would be nice to just sleep early, gain some needed rest for the skin, hoping it would brighten up the horrors of a common face slapped on with a bumpy exterior.

What am I saying... ?!

Yes, looks do influence confidence factors, and acutely gains perceptions on impression indexes. Evilised.

LONELY AFTER MiDNiGHT

Maybe I've grown to become overly nocturnal and actually getting quite accustomed to the crickets and occasional breeze whistling through the window seams, it actually is quite nice to be up alone after midnight with minimal disturbances and calls. Then it gradually became a habit of staying up for the sake of it.

Now, I can't get into sleep and have nothing much to do in this witching hour. Totally bored, totally lonely.

I tried getting people out for suppers and drinks, but as of last week, I found myself completely out of people to call. Either work the next day, plans the following morning, school, trips, meetings, I can't seem to find anyone to just go chill. And as the numbers dwindled, I found out a truth... I actually have very few friends.

Maybe I'm naive. But I've been trying hard to make new friends, perhaps those who have a perchance for nights, and instead started staring down at younger and younger people. For friends who continue to beep on my IM at this hour, they would love the supper, minus the distance of a few thousand kilometers.

So it is, for the last 3 weeks, I finally ran out of people to whine to. And emptied my phonebooks with no one to complain to, talk to, even just share an emo moment. Damn, I think I'm seriously wasting my life.

And if that is true, I'd rather get high and happy while I'm at it, instead of staring down the net and the world wide web, feeling that sore of a loser.

I should really get my hair done right. For as long as I can remember, a new hairstyle perks me up for at least a day, each time I walk out with what the salon has done, and actually getting kind, endearing, and sometimes envious stares. If there is one thing I hate to do, that is to style my hair, myself. So imagine the yearning for admiration on days like these.

Oh, strangely, the topic of looks came up in some conversations over the last couple days, and it seems there are more people who are oblivious to the fact that not-so-good-looking people like myself, actually wished for a better face. Then the flow of topics across different conversations (considering I'm the median) came to me, not having it easy like many others who are better endowed financially. Then again, I'm not exactly the best businessman material to begin with, and my hardworking antics and ethics aren't exactly in their best forms too...

I'm actually getting quite sleepy from this. LOL

Sorry folks... I gotta edit this one again soon... shutting eyes...

CONTEST

I thought I should really blog about this... probably one of the most expensive lessons that I've ever had: I took part in an sms contest, where every answer earns you points. Spent about 600 bucks, and earned about 1,000,000 points, that's one million over points. Climbed to the top 3% of contestants.

Guess what?

Someone scored 11,000,000 points and still didn't win. Thus far, the highest score I know: 79,000,000 points. Translate that to cash, that's about two thousand bucks worth at least.

Moral of the story: work hard, stop dreaming.

iMPOSSiBLE TO REACH

close your eyes, try to sleep
let your heart a place to be
the days that hurt you, reminisce
try to find a reason to believe
all the fears were left to breathe
all is impossible to reach

all these time, it's still a pleasure to hear your voice
taking every step you've been

and all these times, tears me apart from a single piece
leaves me hanging, breaks the scene

the sun sinks beneath the ridge
a lone figure stands in between
a shadow soon oblique

SENSATiONS

I want to write a nice song. One that says everything about everything that I am.

HOT

If anyone caught my greatest attention: Lady Gaga!

FORMS

I was getting quite some sparks of insanity today, wanting to do some things I actually have been putting off for some time. One of them to get another new band going. I like playing in bands, especially with those who don't just whine about taking time to practice or just chilling out, or even complaining about paying for jams.

Not like it costs an arm or a leg.

So, I kinda started hunting around for a band to join, or people to create one! Excites!

Supposed to act in a film later. Wonder how my skills would be from behind the camera to the front again. Would be exciting normally, but I'm just kinda feeling a little too unbothered about it at the moment.

Perhaps I'm truly beginning to enjoy my life.

09.09.09

Honestly, I didn't know it's the 9th of September today! Top it off with 2009, it's a fabulous 09.09.09! Nice~! And to think I kinda wasted it at the beach getting not a lot of sun after all... oh well =) Happy Kid Me!

CAST A SHADOW

Things a kinda looking up because I had time to reflect. To top it off, I actually had time to simmer myself, and not just explode. That would have been ugly... very ugly.




So yeah. I'm heard at long last. Even for just a little bit.

THE HANGiNG SKiES

I'm beginning to wonder if some people in my life is bringing me total black luck. Maybe it works better in evil places where black might be the order of the day, challenging the purity of white that represents hope.

I digress.

Another day when the day has yet to break when mom said something that isn't too bright - sleeping in an air controlled room after a shower... might just not wake up in the morning after all. I mean, I know she meant well, but heck, no need to put it so bluntly... it makes the day start in a stutter, making me wonder if such words could possibly turn into curses that eventually do come true.

There are mornings when I wouldn't wake on time, and she would burst through the door, screaming nicknames like "bloody ass" or "useless bum", or anything to that effect. I used to just ignore them, but some time back, I hit back, citing that all these might just have become realities. And although I value my independence, I've pretty much stayed with the folks for as long as I can remember, just to keep an eye on them. How I wish someone else can seriously take over without incidents so that I can at least get my own space for a while. But well, judging from the proximity the rest of them are having, looks like I gotta stick around for a pretty long while more. Pity.

So this morning, it made no difference that she blurted words in brief moments that she wouldn't normally take too seriously. Well, to me now, they make sense, and just so easily bruised me.

Don't get me wrong, I ain't gonna bear a grudge because she might have phrased them better akin to great customer service. But hey, no harm being nice to your own kid more outwardly, and perhaps, more outrightly? She's a great mom, no doubts about that.

I got a new webcam today. I have no need for it really, just hate the built in cam on the laptop that has so much trouble getting me in frame. While shopping around for ink cartridges, I thought heck, might as well just buy one since I do video chat with friends sometimes. Took me a good hour just to get it set up due to the conflicting peripherals - 2 cams on a computer can't quite easily be discerned. But well, it's all up and running now... just wondering who to call to try it out.

Oh I so wish today's gonna be an easy, fun day.

掉了

心疼的玫瑰　半夜还开着　找不到匆匆掉落的花蕊
回到现场却已来不及　等待任何回音都不可得
微弱的风筝　冬天裡飘着　回不去手中缠线的那个
没有蓝天　又何必去飞　怎麽适合
黑色笑靥掉了　雪白眼泪掉了　该出现的所有表情瞬间掉了
瞳孔没有颜色　结了冰的长河　回忆是最可怕的敌人
故事情节掉了　主角对白掉了　该属于剧中的对脚戏也掉了
胸口没有快乐　断了翅的白鸽　不枯萎的藉口全掉了
曾经唱过的歌　分享过的笑声　在心中不断拉扯
想念不能承认　偷偷擦去泪痕　冬天过了还是会很冷

NOWHERE

Strangely, I ran out of places to go. Then I came home, and ran out of places to surf. Then I decided to do something else, and I ran out of things to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to think. I don't feel like doing anything. I don't want to know what time it is. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know how to idle.

It's very frustrating. I'm just plain waiting for something to happen.

I noticed a change lately. With myself. It's like I don't feel sorrow as much, and I don't feel as compassionate. Something's seriously amiss here. And all I can think of is to blog a blog just to find something to do. So sad.

VOiCE

Its been a good few cool nights. But anymore might drive me up the wall with leaky walls in the office...

I was quite inspired to type in something here... got tired... so yeah.

七月初一雨，落得万人愁

HEART OF GOLD

Oh, heard an interesting story today over lunch. Mom was up in Malaysia visiting her friends, and they got a little cheeky, dropped in on a fortune-teller asking for some lottery advise. The day she left, I kind of asked how I could make my clients pay up. Of course, being her, she suggested praying for some luck.

So while they were at it, she asked the fortune-teller about me. After identify me through my birth date, he spurted, "Oh! This guy! The one with a heart of a Buddha... just waver him a little and he will soften!"

Mom is apparently still quite amused by that, heartened at the same time.

So here I am, kicking myself. Dummy.

MOMENTS

Not exactly like it matters, but I wanted to blog last night and somewhere lost track of it! There was something I wanted to say, but let's see... as usual, slipped my mind.

Anyway, spent some time helping a young boy get his recording done today. Strangely, I didn't have much of an inkling to assist, but somehow got through the motions. I kinda lost my sincerity in some ways, though I really can't put a finger on what it is. But well, went through it, didn't leave too much an impression, nor did it make none.

Just me for now. A shadow of my former self. Let's see if I can crawl out of it this time.