FLY

I can't quite comprehend the chain of events for today. One disappointing news after another, and another. I must be doing something wrong, or maybe I'm just not bracing myself right. I could probably be too... 'emo'... like they say, about things. But honestly, I don't understand why it's so difficult to be supportive, honest, even concerned.

It started with a team-mate getting quite tired of trying to find his own niche. Then someone close to me, instead of understanding, told me to wake up. Then a third simply couldn't keep a promise.

Perhaps I tried too hard to prove myself. Tried too hard to achieve successes that never were meant mine. Or perhaps I'm trying to, despite trying a lot, and achieved much, get a better sense of myself, by proving myself that I am worthwhile. Somehow. Maybe the insecurities gave way to all these struggles, attempting repeatedly what is unnecessary and futile in the end. Just to give myself a sense of worth.

I'm afraid to post this on tblog. The outcry (whichever emotive direction it takes), overwhelms me sometimes. Not that I hate the attention, and sometimes I find myself needing it badly, I just don't want to cause any stirs. Especially now that so many issues that pertains mainly to the human heart, is volatile.

As so long I have a steady income that feeds my family's, loved ones' and friends' ego of material driven logic, I think all matters of the heart can lay to rest. Because nobody cares anymore, and nobody gives a damn to how I feel anymore. Sidelined.

I've already heard the common descriptors:
"part and parcel"
"time will come, and has come"
"that's just life"
"what's new?"

All in my face. Oh well. Perhaps, that's just life after all.

Give me a sign. Someone. Point me a direction. Tell me where this is all going. I simply don't understand what is going on anymore.

WHY

Is not longer a question. It's an expression of a thought, an exclamation to an news, a shock at an event. I don't really know quite how to react at this juncture, except to ask a simple 'why'. It's akin to knowing a raging fire with nothing to put it out in sight.

What's worse is its hitting very close to home, second home, the alternate shelter, the lonely existence acknowledged in an instant. I want to reverse the process but find myself helpless beyond... I don't really know what to type anymore.

Either way, my words weigh heavy I know, but do not let them waiver your decisions. I'm happy, as I am sad.

MiSSiNG A PiECE

I know I know, been missing so many blogs here. I wish I can have more materials, but till my evil mode blows over... nothing's in my head. I'm still with you!