CATCHiNG THE WiND

I occasionally catch up on anime. Not exactly catching up. More like turning to it when I haven't any better things to do. Or just simply, too dull on my emotions.

Haven't blogged for a long while. Things looked up a bit, so I'm kind of feeling blessed at the moment.

But where was I?

Oh. Anime.

It's like a form of fantasy based on reality. And somewhat readapted from fantasy to become an alter- reality. I like the fact that voice artistes take the immense effort to create that exact emotion required to string the storyline. I could probably write an entire article on that alone, then again, it's mainstream portrayal with a very high impact and cost.

So I watch anime as an escape like everyone else. Unknowingly of course.  The entertainment beats sitting up all night wondering why I'm home on a Friday night. But that's the magic. So I digress..

My back hurts from slouching over the computer too much.

I've realized how petty I've become over relationships. Always had been, and trying a good mile of honesty to traverse sensibility. It's no wonder I take too damn long to apologize even for minute tantrums. I throw tantrums a lot, as I've come to realize. And perhaps it's time to stop.

Whinging. That's how bestie puts it. Rightfully so. Under a 1% outlet, anyone would be doing it on social media within 255 characters. For me, it's nice to know I'm not alone, not neglected, and certainly cared for. Time to reflect perhaps. 

Good 2015 everyone. I wonder if anyone actually still reads my rants. 

NOTHiNGNESS

It wasn't easy moving on with a lot of things. The company, passion, and love. I seek comfort, but I don't know where.

RUNNiNG TO STAND STiLL

I finally made some time to blog. Since August I've been missing plenty of myself. At first I thought I had something good going, finally deciding to help a friend to reach a most noble goal. After my visit in Perth during the end September-early October periods, which also sadly saw the demise of a dear friend's father, I took up the challenge to do something out of my comfort zone and gut feel.

There were plenty of sincerity in the beginning, to work together and achieve something. I was slowly convinced that it could work after processes were started and proof of work done started to trickle in. I was so convinced that it could help me grow, become better, make some side pocket money, and perhaps help my business in some ways.

I started to work really hard, with the notion that things are moving, results are showing, and we were on the right track. For what I was weak in, I tried to understand and improve. I know I'm not smart, but at least my efforts were evident, putting extra hours aside from my regular company runs. It was exhausting, but brilliantly good tired.

The new business brought me to some places I could only dream about going, and met some people I might never have the opportunity to meet on my own. It was exciting and fun. I thought I could be rolling along really well.

Then things started to get, strange. The direction first set was so clear, but it was also clear that the things I was doing were deviating. It was said to be detours, but they started to get in the way from the goals I was so convinced of in the first place.

Not long after, I started getting "chopped", as it was described, as an example to those who were not working hard enough, getting me slowed down. But if I was every bit the victim of the lack of work done by others, why was I punished for it?

Then came the issue of money. I asked for nominal tokens initially because of my lack of experience and relevance in the field of work, but soon the figures became astronomical. But the money was delayed as I was told. So I began forking out the money "temporarily". Soon, they added up from again nominal to astronomical.

I'm not born to a rich family. I grew up in the suburbs. I walked to school, sometimes running. But mom would always get me all the good stuff kids all deserved - good shoes, new uniforms, and whatever she could afford for a measly pocket money.

Dad would buy toys whenever he could, even though he was so deep into gambling. My siblings doted on me, every piece of a good dish I had a share. But I was never rich nor wealthy materially. My finances were never stable, and that instability became a staple stability.

I would work really hard, but for a long time, I had a girlfriend whom was very hard to keep up with with gifts, good meals and entertainment. I would spend what I have on her and with her. Until it came to a point of being ridiculous, I called it quits.

Leaving my ex-business partners already ladened me in debts, and the breakup probably did help me wise up after that. I moved on, with pride and confidence that I shall try again. And I did, saving up for an old used car, buying proper insurance, organized my taxes, and paid attention to my health and even my teeth that were untreated for years. My savings grew a little every month, it wasn't impressive, but I saw improvements.

Having a good contribution to the family was a big wish of mine during this time. And when this offer came up, I hesitated and procrastinated. I didn't want to be greedy because there is money to be made. The opportunity instead would help me grow stronger and wiser, the experience would teach me new things.

But I found myself yesterday torn and floored with my trust abused and finances stretched to every possible limit.

It's the Chinese New Year in 4 days. I'm broke, have nothing for the family, and now faced with possible law suits that might just drop at my door any day. If I'm lucky, they might just not show up. If I'm lucky, maybe I might get a small windfall to patch my credit and pay the bills. Maybe if I'm lucky, I might have some decent sleep finally.

Maybe if I'm lucky, I might just wake up and realise it's all just a bad dream.

As I've posted, I can lose money, but once trust is lost, everything is lost.

I'm in such a terrible shape right now, and I kept trying to console myself and move on. But it's so hard. It's really hard. I don't know if learning lessons this way even work anymore, for I'm running out of money to pay the fees.

The most devastating part is just simply - I no longer can trust myself on plenty things. I was naive to think that an old dog like me can even be better. I was in many ways lied to during these last few months, but by far, opening my eyes to the great and evil for myself.

All I'm asking for is normality.

COMiNG RANDOM

I know it's been a long time since anything happened here. I know I had many questions before, but I think I'm beginning to find some decent answers that satisfy my insatiable thirst for explanations.

For so long, that unquenchable doubts that surfaced again and again threw me off course for so long, till someone actually pointed out that I was a hot air balloon that had its hot air stopped just before lift off everytime. Yet, I could have taken off anytime anyway.

It got me thinking how I became the stick in the caked mud, and somebody could so easily stir it. And now it seems I have a wonderful opportunity to take off, and it's exciting as it is scary.

So I'll recall backwards then, all the things I've been shelving to post with the first one being my reluctance to.

Social media has been getting explosions after explosions of outrage - an Internet friend actually found me, news of me, plenty about me, simply googling my name. While all these times when I was trying to dig online information about myself, he had them under fifteen minutes. It got me sort of apprehensive about airing thoughts that, regardless of the layers of secrecy or misleading idenities, I was still found out. That got me cautiously putting alphabets together and stringing thoughts, online, in complete sentences.

Adding to that, as much as I was reluctant to, I found myself dropping hints everywhere because I needed a ear. After all, everybody needs one, and I happen to have half-hearted ones. That in itself, stumped me from letting my thoughts go as much as I was holding them in the deepest recesses in the head.

So I was writing a new album, all in the idea of achieving self-gratification, self-motivation, and self-cleansing. I had too much rubbish that I thought I had to deal with, but truth being the expectations kept brewing and growing to the point I was losing what was perhaps most precious: honesty. I just had to let the demons out so to speak. For now, I need to clean up the tracks and they are off. 5 tracks, and I was hoping to do more. Maybe writer's block isn't the best way to describe it. It is just simply resourcing for materials to put together. I'm listening to too much rubbish lately anyway, and ideas are scarce. So is my workstation.

Somebody invited me to next year's Grammys. That's after trying to get me on board to work under a label. I'm not sure. This is the same person that told me I can now fly, I just need to flap my wings. I'm scared, but I don't think I should or could hold back anymore. I need the final push, and that just means having idiots making a bigger fool of themselves and I'm off with nothing to stay behind for.

Before it happens, I guess better to hit the books again.

I got a bimmer. An old one that had me test drive only after 3 sincere visits. I'm apparently the 16th owner too. Talk about last stops. I named him Boo Meng Wee, in light of the acronym and my Chinese roots I guess lol.

He's been in and out of the workshop, which I now call the chalet. At 22 years old, he's really holding up quite well after all the previous operations by the respective owners, who in my opinion, didn't really liked him. And why him? I don't know. Only when you see a him, that you know it's a him. I never believed Meng Wee to be a gentle girl, cos he looked too mean to be one.

And of all the fanfare, I got Meng Wee as a show of force, to stop the farce of running a Restaurant City in virtual make-believe. It was a transport, and an assurance and message that my business was not a try-only instance, that it was for real. Of all the flak and doubts cast, Meng Wee certainly squashed quite some stupid commentaries about SMB. Most honestly, Meng Wee was my childhood sweetheart that took me a very long time to find, to decide, and to be with.

Gee. This post is actually taking a very long time to complete. I'm thinking if I'll ever have this done as its the third day I'm on this.

I got myself sorted out at work somewhat for the last few months, only to realize what it really means to be a leader, motivator, and survivor. All three just don't go together. Leaders lead a vision, motivators goads the vision, survivors pretty much try to, well, survive. How can three roles culminate into one embodiment of a pillar for the company? Not only did it drain me, it caused so much tension in the office that had everything out of line. And the first step to resolving it: actually letting go. I used to say that I trust the crew to fulfill their roles, and that's how I could let go. But with people under performing their tasks, it's really disheartening to see projects go down the path of make-believe, self-satisfied quality. It made little sense, although experience is cultivated over time.

The solution: taking the risk, letting things go. If a project quality has to be that trade-off, it's got to be done. With that, I've been coming to work ad hoc, only to complete my part and buzz off. There's no need to stay for more ridicule of a time with productivity at an all time low, despite increasing the workforce three folds. What a shame!

So let's see. I've gotten myself a small holiday. And guess what? Projects cultivated under my name are in. This just makes me hesitate and procrastinate. Strangely though, I know as much I'll go for my holiday. But I'm also unsettled if I would be needed to work on the projects physically, or worse, coordinate over long-distance online style. Whatever it ends up on, maybe my sense of responsibility presiding my old self just feels guilty that I am unable to fulfill my promise to people who trust me. Even if I am being taken advantage of.

And to a large extent, I know I'm being exploited in many ways. My weakness has always been that very strong sense of responsibility to fulfill a promise. But things have changed and expectations that follow have been often unlinkable in many instances. Not to say its a bad thing, to be positive, it does put the team to the test to perform in a new setting. Then again, it's been an awful arduous task.

I kept telling myself to stop the paranoia of screwing up within the team - it is going to happen regardless. I just need to look forward to being apologetic, which I'm not used to, to prevent relationships from being strained out. All in all, I guess I need to relook at the entire clockwork and watch it fall apart to reassemble something that works. And this, potentially, may include the option of having the team split. I'm halfway looking forward to that already.

There's simply too many downs that I'm experiencing, I'm so tired of having them. Enough thinking. I should be back to my gym regime soon and see what turns up. Meng Wee is also finally showing great signs of recovery. Certainly looking forward to having more cosmetics in from this point.

THE iNCREDiBLE DiSTANCE

And so I decided to give up. It all happened right before my eyes to the extent I could not comprehend any of it anymore. I allowed the whole situation to slide, yet trying to stop it from completely being bombed. Still, it bombed like a cruel implosion of mentos in a big bottle of soft drink.

It's a cool night by the beach, kind of cold actually. I ordered an entire bottle of wine just sipping as I go along. "Chilled" I said of my wine, while the young waiter scurried off to place my order. I like the wine chilled for two reasons, for one, it already warms the body, and if it came weather cooled, it has a beefy taste. Two, the ice served as a timer and companion. While they melt in the bucket, I am reminded that time is about up for me to pack up and go, and that the company eventually leaves.

The bench is a little wet, and I sat on a small puddle sitting right in the middle edge. My butt feels a little funny now.

This be the second time I came by here feeling so lousy in 3 months, just blogging and trying to make sense of things. Truth is, I don't really want to think about it. It makes my mind wonder far too far, and the mood deeper than deep. I've realized how lonely I've become, and to take even that away would be far too despicable even on my own terms, regardless of the gravity of thought on utopian living.

I'm just getting a chain of encouraging messages from a young boy I met some weeks ago. I hosted him in Singapore while he was in town looking for a job. A delightful cheerful person overall. And he's sending me all these despite I'm next to being a complete stranger. Wonderful isn't it? But I guess I'm quite inconsolable at this juncture.

I think I'm drinking too fast. Lol.

So. What happened? Let me recount.

It all started like every other time - I decided to please everyone on board the project. It certainly backfired big time this instance because the contract was minute for double the work. I lost control of costs yet trying to keep everyone satisfied. But naturally, while the opportunities waved brightly, everyone began to take advantage of the situation and started asking for more. I started to say no, and tempers began to brew. I've learnt my lesson well. To give in from the start is to throw the entire project right into the fire.

And in this case, I launched myself the fire, into a ocomplete mess.

I woke this morning thinking the gods left me. While they've been on my mind whenever I needed that companionship and that sense of comfort, suddenly, it felt as though I was outright abandoned. As if being alone a lot wasn't enough, that spiritual regard just went away, like falling over a ledge and falling again.

This breeze really reminds me of Perth, with Jean, by the porch of her humble house in 3 degrees, drinking wine, having cigars and telling our misfortunes. Listening to this sound makes it also feels like the quiet at the villa in Bali. I have these places and instances to just keep me sane, and safe from the harm of losing my mind.

I revere those who have so much perseverance in their lives. It almost makes them inhuman and godlike in so many ways. While there were those who said the same of me, I gather no strength on my own much these days, and I find myself barrowing deeper into self-pity.

I wonder if that waiter would come sit with me for a drink.

My bicycle has been sitting in the balcony for the longest time hungry for a ride. My dumbbells need a lift to feel themselves weightless again. My bed need someone to hug.

I'm here on my own.

11:05PM. What are you doing Neil?

And Ming, I missed you loads for being there when I needed somebody most. You were the angel that kept me in check, from losing myself for that time I wished so much to disappear so seriously.

My bottle is half done. I'm feeling a little tipsy. Shit. Can I bring the bottle home secretly after they close and leave? Lol

The horizon looks a little different tonight. I think I look a little different tonight. And I think my blog is really random at times. From something to the next and the next, doesn't seem to connect or stay coherent in so many ways.

A couple sits by the edge of the water having a slow conversation. I wonder if they would like some wine? Maybe they would like to hear about their future? I can try to guess... Haha.

Some cheese would be nice. Supper.

The crew here are really nice! They left the strings of bulb lighting on for me!!! That is so fucking sweet!

I saw some scribblings in the sand. Reminds me hopscotch.

Oops. They switched the lights off finally. Lol.

And no waiter came to sit with me. I like hearing stories. The last one told me a fantastic one, about his home, his life, his growing up, his aspirations, and his ultimate goals in life. I'm filled with admiration, for when I was his age, I struggled with many more traditional things than were necessary. Perhaps the old fogey in me should just die, and I should move on after all.

Singing into the breeze, will that be therapeutic?

There are people on the beach. Are they like me, lonely and desperate for company?

I like the way Moby tweets. He's like a grown up young boy still.

A couple hugged by the water's edge. So sweet.

Can I bring a piece of this place home? I like it.

So my love asked for forgiveness. While I've been trying to push it away, the relentless attempts do seem genuine enough for me to think again: what went wrong in the first place? Was it me the high-handed play? That things just went awry and away? What really was I complaining about again?

Cheers to solitude.

Okay. I'm avoiding the issue here. What was I trying to say? Oh yes, why is forgiveness so hard to achieve? Am I too jealous of the life that has been had, that I decided to stray away and not even come close? That embed like such a plausible, most likely scenario. I hated that lovely smile that melts me, that stupid snigger that makes me laugh, the popularity I could not achieve, the bravery and courage to speak up, even that toss of the notion of innocence. It makes me feel like king.

Why am I unable to become a part of it, like the strength that those before rendered me? Maybe I felt cheated, that despite rooting them on, I was betrayed when they went further, and forgot all about me.

The ice melted. I'm still here.

Shit. I just caused a friend to come right where I am. I'm trying to salvage and retract. Fuck. I'm such an asshole.

I'm so torn. Ok. Managed to revert. But I so wished some company. I'm seriously so sad yeah.

So now how? Can I cry now?

STREETS

Hello beautiful. And why wouldn't it be? I spent half my time seeing the best of the worst, just like finding the scant fragrance of a wilting flower. That's the smell of hope.

I very much wish to get my music done, and having visuals done for it to compliment and visualize the songs. It does seem that the obstacles continue to pile, and I continue to slide. I'm not depressed or frustrated about it - rather I think the anticipation became an expectation that continues to rise above benchmarks that I've set for myself. And strangely, it's helping to push it closer to finish.

I've got 5 songs currently shortlisted out of a handful, but they are all almost done only - something's missing, or parts that needs work have yet to be reworked. It gets unbearable at times knowing I'm so close, and a little push would have done it. But I shy away consistently cos I don't quite believe in them yet.

The sad truth about most people is that they think too much. For me, I think I care too much. So much so that I know it's better to let go sometimes...

Shucks. I'm suddenly tired. Will continue again soon.

NUCLEUS

When I was younger I had a horrendous temper that got me all worked up each time something displeases me. For now, I've mellowed much through my music and writings, musings and sprouts. Tonight, it's just a sweaty workout even though I haven't had enough sleep. Or maybe I did.

I don't know. Feels like flying right now.

I'm thinking if I should go to the garage tomorrow morning. It's quite therapeutic watching Meng Wee getting checked and improved. I just stare, and he gets tinkered. Not everyone's cup of tea I know, but well. I love Meng Wee cos he's one of those things I wished I had when I was younger.

And Meng Wee looks gorgeous no matter how sick he is.

Why am I so sure Meng Wee's a boy? Well. He's got a temper like me. And he really pisses me off when he's down with a flu or cough. And he gets pissed with me when I don't run him fast enough, and getting stuck in needless jams.

Maybe I should find a time to show his masculine lines! Lol.

GUTHRiE

Here's finally something new I wrote:

GUTHRIE

I wanna tell you something I never said before so let's not polarize it
I don't wanna break your mind no I really don't wanna talk a thing about it

The truth is I don't even know where to start
I don't really know if I can make a point about it
But I wish to say it as you ought to know it and
I can only try to say it like I think i know about it

And when you feel like that nothing stays the same That we can all just make mistakes Well It's fine, oh

And when you feel like that the time has come for change
That the world is as insane
We'll be standing here hand in hand again

When you feel like you're done with all the games
But you stop to try again
By your side I can

And when you feel like we've all come to an end
That no one stays ahead
And everyone just fades away

And I will find the reason to change
Feel like fading away

Some place some time you will find
The sweetest memories inside
Leave your tires all behind Fly

And when you feel like fading away
And when you feel like fading away

How about that for a change? Something absolutely emotive from zero. I guess it all came about when work got a little tiring and everyone seems so maxed out.

A lot has happened since, particularly with me being too over zealous with people and things: for trying to be helpful I think I got myself into a lot of back paddling, not to mention some crazy backward rearrangements for shitloads of things.

A moment please... I'm sitting alone by the beach listening to Guthrie drinking wine watching stars replying messages smoking cigar and feeling sore.

I'm really quite sick of being stuck in limbo and not having any support to move forward. And for trying to make a change, I'm getting quite battered for being arrogant, annoying, scheming, and everything else all connected to bad. There's a party that is always on without me. And I'm that one black sheep trying to make things different. So I asked myself finally: worth it?

No.

So what now really. I feel like fading away to escape all of these madness of self-perceived goodness, when in fact nothing really needs me for except that select few who loves me so very dearly. I am a writer self-absorbed in vanity of my mind's prowess.

Suddenly, the word "expectations" came up. It's always I expecting something or you expecting something else. I don't get how all these expectations will eventually pan out especially when it comes to everyone trying to be et naturale. The essence of being treated fairly is always lost when one expects the other to deliver and the other refuses to.

I think Guthrie should be heard by the beach with a breeze, like how I'm listening to it right now.

it's quite incredible sitting here looking into the wide dark skies. Where stars used to be, it's like now a patch of cotton candy clouds. Somewhat magical. Oh I do wish you were by my side.

I'm actually quite sick of blogging right now. The alcohol is kicking in and I'm trying hard to stay relative to my environment. Lol.

Hello YJ! Stop snooping around on my blog! LOL

THE DiSTANT VOiCE

I suddenly remembered how much I've neglected you my dear blog. These days, it seems easier to just tweet an instant emotion, thought, or query than sit in front of a keyboard and hammering away. But I also do realise, that when it comes to expressing the full string of expressions, tweets and FB updates just don't make the cut.

So I finally decide to recap as quickly as I can on my journeys the last couple months.

Dec 2011

I made a trip to Bali, my first and probably the last. I enjoyed myself thoroughly minus all the rippers that I encountered along the way. Lost some money to pay my way out of instances, but seeing the city side made up for it. Plus, I did make the trip with someone close, not anyone I could have discovered to be annoying during the trip. So that's a big minus, and two nice pluses.

The whole trip was quite unplanned, so the Villa, the beach bars, the clubs were all excellent surprises. The shopping was amazing, but blew quite some bucks there, and the water sports were, interestingly so-so. Expensive, yet not very fun with just 2 people running about. Christmas was spent there, so that's a first too.

Jan 2012

I returned to Singapore already. Work that needed to be cleared, were, and new projects made their way in. It was decided that we take a nice long week's break during the New Year, and we did just that. Expansion of the company was supposed to come around, but Fengshui dictated a somewhat grim outlook, with staying the status quo being the best policy. We held on, made some minor adjustments and arrangements in the office, and moved on.

Hired a new girl, which frankly, we thought was diligent, mature, and quite fitting for the team. Beyond that, we are just trying to survive.

New Year was great, caught up with plenty family and friends, some of whom I had an enjoyable time with.

Feb 2012

Is my month. I spent my birthday with a day off from work just to sit and idle by the beach. Perfect birthday.

Then came the nightmare of having to finish an entire TV series at breakneck speed. We're still at it, just that it seems to come fast and furious, and also finish with bangs and fireworks.

The Press Conference was a huge success apparently, so let's see how it performs during broadcast. Most of all, this be the first series with proper credits for the team, I like.

Present

Well, beyond all that has happened, 2011 rounded up with loads of work, a good healthy company turnover, and certainly a sweet holiday-end. 2012 seems tough, even though the world saw some really catastrophic incidences (damaged nuclear plant in Japan, change of leadership in North Korea, even major floods in Thailand), I think we survived a tumultuous year with something to smile about: being alive.

This year I made some commitments too - I bucked up with some repayments of old debts, looking to buy a vehicle to commute, and perhaps plan another trip to relax. I'm keeping my fingers tightly crossed that I persevere and achieve the goals.

My only setback is that my relationships with some seem strained. I'm working on them, but a few just seem like beyond salvation. I sound morbid I think, but granted, there's only so much a hand can do to produce a clap. I look forward to glorious days and loving moments, but each time it just whizzes pass so quickly that it's hard to indulge in them. That, is definitely something I want to work further on.

Looking bright amid dark clouds, that's how it's going to be, and I'm still trying to stay upbeat, relaxed, positive, and motivated.

Wish me luck cyberspacemen.

FLYiNG TiME

Happy 2012! Now that things have sort of settled down, year turned and all, I think I'm calmer dealing with things, and letting go some much needed burdens of worry, concerns, and unhappiness. Sorry to myself firstly for not being up to date, but I think I should try to post the missing month of December soon, plus the run up to the new year. Note to self: updates on the way please!

RECAP

I thought I'd better blog something before I totally forget how to.

I guess amid all the morbid posts for the last few months, the least I could do is to put some good news here: I'm finally going on a holiday! It's supposed to be a private retreat of sorts, but who knows, it's crossing over Christmas! That means I'll be spending my first Christmas overseas!

Still, coming back to the most recent events, we managed to push out a high-profiled series just two weeks back, and it's gaining plenty of fans and ratings. Considering the storyline isn't much of a fresh deal, I suppose the context it was presented moved some people to glue themselves to the TV set every night, which is a really good thing. Too few people are on the television, and it's about time somebody bring them back.

There have been some really interesting reviews on the Facebook page, which you can actually check out here:

https://www.facebook.com/theoathch8

Well, I fell sick shortly after, bouts of flu, cough and fever, then came another round of heat-rash that I'm still struggling to recover from. Have to seriously try not to scratch. But the temptations are just simply greater than the will power.

Anyway, short post today. I actually tried posting from the iPad previously, but seems like Blogger didn't like it. I did a search on the error, and it appears the whole world using Blogger through the iPad is affected.

That much for mobile blogging then.

And wow, Blogger now can't recognise line breaks...

KEYWORDS

I wonder how much you actually care about me. Seriously. I hate lies but I kept being lied to.

PRECiOUS MOMENTS

While we try our best to create little moments of memories, there are bound to be some hard hitting misses. I got one tonight again, and it breaks a lot of me to even find any reasonable explanations. All I wanted was a little time, is that so hard to get? I think I've been thinking too much for others to the point I hurt myself too much. Sucks.

TREASURES

I finally learnt it the hard way: how to treasure people for who they really are when all these time I've seen them in such a different light that I imagined them to be. It's a new lease of life really, to be able to discover the truth behind all that I used to think, that were not!

What a revelation!

For those I always thought were questionable, they were not! I was! Wow... it's like finding out that the square table I been using was actually round!

How silly of me! Never to take people at first impressions or perception, because I can be so drastically off tangent! Not to mention, I might just have lost the opportunity to see the real sides had I gone on formulating only my own thoughts... I'm glad I saw things sooner, that I need to improve myself so much so much more. I may have taken my weaknesses overly defensively to the point I pull others down to mask just that.

But not anymore. I'm gonna reinvent myself. I must. I do not want to waste anymore opportunities or time judging people. Rather, I shall rediscover myself and relate to people in a whole new way!

F

I never hurt this bad or cried this hard.

SOMETiMES i CRY

When I've nowhere else to hide
Like when I wake up in the morning
And the world is undefined

THE DAWN OF MY TiME

Let's see. I forgot my ear phones, and I'm doing a cafe wine run alone without them. So I can't listen to anything except the mindless banter that surrounds. Talk about bummers.

I just got some bullshit responses again, aside from being called a nuisance previously, now I'm like the illegal immigrant over-staying my welcome. Wait. Aren't illegal immigrants supposed to be unwelcomed in the first place?

And as the story goes, seems like people want people for something. Or at least that was what I was told. When you are done using or be used, there isn't much left. Hence, while your value exists, make it worthwhile, go get your most brilliant assets together and be useful. Boohoo~ make it worthwhile. Boohoo~

I'm getting quite upset with finding walls and dead ends lately, seemingly always an open path till it suddenly drops into this... Um... This... Gap. Like a ravine. No roads run forward but down. Or just simply cuts off. Then what synthesizes becomes bullocks - things go nowhere plans go nowhere you end up nowhere.

I think all these came about particularly cos I haven't gotten over anything. For one, ending a relationship didn't seem as easy as it could have been. What came after was the calm, no storm, cos I was too busy salvaging other burdens - the business and everything else that needed salvaging, one, by one.

And that's the problem they say. I need to grieve. And I must, to get over things. I enjoy the freedom, but I didn't enjoy what people were doing to me. So, with gritted teeth I pressed on, hoping to find something new, a new life, a new everything. But as I threaded along, it suddenly feels better back at home ground, be back in the comfort zone, not to face the uncertainties at an age where the discrimination of age and looks has gotten past my comprehension. And maybe because I was stuck in that comfort zone too long, with enough routines to fill everyday that it makes it seem life was full. Then of course, it became full of bullshit.

I want to move on. And I thought I did, but never really did. What happened was me stuck at the point I was about to take off - the plane's still here.

Sigh... Can I sigh?

I sigh too much. Maybe that's why I ended up on things alone.

I wanted to continue my studies you know, get a degree, make me smarter, a graduate. In the end, my plans were rebutted with a really good call - I can't leave the business behind and run. 4 years total. I was devastated. I really wanted to study, because my family couldn't afford it previously. Not like they can now, but yeah, I still can't afford it. But I want to you know. Learn, and play, and be knowledgeable, be smarter, be informed, be creative, be a lot of things. Share ideas, share passions. Be someone that makes the folks proud, make me proud. Yeah, and that's that. You know, that's that. How sad is that?

That one big grouse - business is as such. You don't just walk away.

I wasn't walking away. I'll be here. I'll run the space and study at the same time. But nobody thinks that's possible. Yet I'm willing to try. Cos trying is in my blood. I want an education, but I'm giving in to others' fears. I'm a whimp. Big time.

So that rounds up 2 things that plushed me out.

I have a third. I've become alcoholic. Not naturally wanting to drink or craving for one. I have nothing to do. I like the feeling of turning nonsense. Not really knowing what I'm doing. That numbing effect helps ease the hurt. And it does so with taste.

I'm just thinking where's a nice place to hide, listen to sad music, cry my heart out, wail and rant and act pathetic. Senseless isn't it? Me, thinking where to let off some steam. I'm so done in by myself.

Seasons come season go, my season of hurt lingers just so
Not a wink nor a blink, I goes but on and on
At times it mutters, while asks at others
Why should I go when the tide is strong
I can make you weak as I have before
Just to see you feeble and torn
So I'll stay till I break you down
Till the sun could shine but you aren't shone
The stars could sparkle yet they pulsates as you moan
That the wind would bring but a gust of forlorn
You shall kneel before the end
And beg the things that went
Like how the creepers climb the walls as you wish for hope that longs
No trains will take you out of town
Just the planes that fly you back around
Back to the day you first unwound
As the season of hurt rebounds

But I will leave when my time is up
The day you decide that hurt is done
Hello my love you have my heart
Hurt is but a lovely art

(Took a hlf hour break for Scrabble)

Ok. After 3 games of scrabble, some wine and a soup, I feel worse.

I used to like wine because I used to have it with friends. Good company in short. I used to pull drinks, go by the bottles and enjoy good conversations. As people started getting married with kids, I started wine with casual acquaintances, friends and clients. Wine became a drink, no longer the placeholder for sharing thoughts and exchanging hearty pleasantries.

I didn't like liquer or hard mixes cos they are just plain annoying. They get you high quickly and makes the taste buds dry and bitter. The only one I've had, as a good liquer, was 42 vodka. Smooth and non-intrusive, but that's really about it.

That leaves me with very little to drink. Carbonated drinks make the teeth bad, and juices don't deliver the kicks. So, I'm always with wine. I'd like to appreciate wine more though. There are many short day-introductions, but I never seem to get to them. Such a shame. Still, it sucks when you take wine and nobody really enjoys it. Did I mention I love Rapsany?

Heading home soon seems like a good idea. But with another half bottle of wine to clear, it's really quite nice to hang around.

Oh, where is my love?

So perhaps Aquarians are inclined to affections and relations. And why not? We do make poor sense of logic and space - we only know the gravity of instances and consequences, and more often than not, war and fights just simply ain't our thing. So what is so not lovely about Aquarians?

Did I ever mention Diamond Eyes? There are very few people with them. These are the special lot, they see things beyond clarity, see opportunities even before they happen - foresight is almost a natural thing - they see ahead, they look past history, and they can look into the very fabric and soul of things, or people, and of events. Problem is, they are also a devious, struggling bunch. They have deep thought plans, they work towards their idealogies, they do things to their advantage, yet, amidst all that, they struggle to stay ethical and honest. How does one balance the social corrects with the queers and dislikes?

I've met, or at least I thought, 2 of them. They know theories, they are intuitive, they are forward-moving, focused and accurate. Yet, both times, I didn't like the ethics they worked based on, regardless of the reasons. In a way, I was conned into believing what they say or portrayed wholeheartedly. Left a really deep impression on why they did so. And I cannot seem to explain, at all.

Reflecting, I learnt about myself more. I learnt that I was no better. The only difference is, I veered towards the ethics. I pledged more for honesty that was measured by social norms, and that was where I faultered. I drowned in others' expectations.

Shall I do without guilt? Hard. Granted, mom taught the traditions too well.

I'm trying to figure out what to do with my bottle of wine here. Honestly, I have nowhere to go. Isn't that sad? I'm done with this passage I think. I'm done. Yeah.

HYPHEN

No, I'm not destined to fail.

THE PERFECT SETTiNG

One, I just got called a nuisance.

Two, I'm to sign a contract to sell important company assets unreservedly. It's like selling the roof over my head for a cent.

And these, I have no one to turn to to unload. I feel like crying. I need a hug. I want someone to tell me everything's ok.

But nothing is ok. Everyone has their problems. I want to talk to someone. I need someone. The saddest part is even when I had someone before, it was the same. I slogged so god damned hard. But I'm only still here. This doesn't suck. Beyonded.

MY iMAGiNATiON

While I seem to have forgotten how to move on, comes along someone that seems to just flutter to my heart. No doubt that I was quite blown away - here is somebody so pure in the heart by circumstance that defies the logic of freedom. How does one manage to find total freedom tasteless and chooses to commit into self-restraint?

Assembling the logic was already a daunting task, let alone trying to figure out what emotional values might be present. While I admit I don't feel so strongly about love this time, somehow it was one look I was given that somewhat changed my mind. I planted a soft kiss of friendship - in return, I received an avalanche of affection.

It was a full minute of staring in disbelief, then reaching out wordless to release the inner breadth that took me by surprise. That look, well, I've never seen in my life.

Take it easy old boy. You only have so much time.

SOMETHiNG'S GOTTA GiVE

How about behaving for a change? How about doing something for me sincerely? How about me not demanding and something gets done?

I noticed lately I've been blogging whenever I'm home early. And I'm home early cos I've nowhere to go. I've nowhere to go cos I've no one to hang out with. I've no one to hang out with cos people have lives. And I live one that's built around others'.

Tonight has a bit of that suicidal feeling of not knowing if it's getting suicidal. That was kind of a confusion phase of wondering and pondering about it. I would like to just be in good company, but it does seem like that's not happening anymore. Over investment means you literally end up having a lot with a lot and not getting anything until you are past that need. Then, nothing really means anything anymore.

Gosh. I'm really bored. Even blogging is like a major waste of time. I'm bored. Very bored.

SANS

I haven't type a decent post in months since I wired myself across all the various internet applications on the mobile phone. Then comes the big dreams of trying to plan for a very uncertain future, trying to convince myself that there is something to fight for after all. All that, and time seems to float by so quickly, looking forward to paydays just to pay the bills. I really wonder how long more before anything else can get better.

Investments seem to be the key word for me lately. Trying desperately to put money in useful things. Then, putting time into useful deeds. Yet all these time, things are only moving in baby steps. Of course, moving better than stagnating.

The weather's been freaky lately. Yup, I think we've destroyed enough of nature to bear the grudging brunt. Disasters everywhere, but people are still concerned about bombing one another, killing terrorists, anti-establishing... I don't know. I'm glad to see world events unfold, but I empathise with the next generation for they would be the ones to clean up the mess.

I'm looking forward this time, for myself, hoping to find a resolution of sorts to put some senses into a clearer perspective. Perhaps loving myself was easier without having to love others.

I'm still learning.

My next big goal: skirt the life crisis. Head straight to material goals and die happy.

UNTiTLED

Sometimes I wonder what it's like to be famous, rich, or just simply over-loved. It's nice sitting here alone watching all these hot lesbian babes trudging through the area headed to the party for the night. It makes me a spectator. And spectators are the audience of what's going on. And what's going on is always nice to know when you aren't involved. Particularly the bad stuff.

I think I found my lost link to peace, in a way that means I've got nothing, nothing at all, to lose. That makes me powerful because I've no stakes in anything left. Just like fish and chips. It's just that. Too much oil and it burns. Too little complimenting sides make it dull. What do I want?

I think I need extreme attention. It makes me feel needed. But the worship kind, ya one, not the kind I need to spend time solving problems. Yes, that's the kind of attention I need. For the work I've done.

Dinner will be served shortly at 12:45 midnight. After a buffet spread that ended at 9pm. I think I'm a glutton. Very much lol.

Oh I love myself. Too little.

REASONS

I finally figured out why I wanted to leave you in the first place: you were either too busy, or too tired for anything. By the time you get back to me, I'm already too weak to respond.

That's why I wanted to leave you.

Today, I feel the same way.

AND HOW

I kind of discovered today again, how fragile so many things are. The last I remembered, while I was trying to grieve my loss, who was really there? The family was more inconsolable than I was, my friends were spewing momentous graces, and buddies were pratically nowhere close to knowing what was running through my life. That woke me up. In the end, I only still had myself.

Everyone seems to have their own hands full. That's alright. Yet, I'm one of the firsts to know what on earth is happening with them, willingly or not.

Here's the best part: people's relationship fail, and it's because of me. People's misfortunes are "partially" due to me. And get this: somehow, something goes wrong, and I'm at some point involved.

Truly, someone does care. Or at least I think so.

OPPORTUNiST

I wonder if I should actually admire or denounce them - on one hand they are chancing upon great things that mean to them. But on the other, in the context of building that chance upon others' losses, it suddenly don't quite deserve my respect, particularly when that respect was built on trust, faith, or a simple believe.

I must say, whatever was due to happened, has. So I shouldn't really complain. And I suddenly realize how much people hate me. I'm not paranoid, but faced with hard facts and cold truths, or so some had claimed, I think I should take a couple more steps back and watch the skies, and not wish it fall down just because I think so.

My elementary teacher was right: to be a leader, is to set the best example. I'm just about that bad egg she said I was, amongst the many hatched ones that have gone on to great and mighty things.

Tonight feels like another episode of a stale drama serial, filled with mundane sorrow of the common kind. Perhaps I'm just as common as the patched paint on worn walls, nothing special, nothing new. I'm losing confidence all of a sudden, and chance has nothing to do with it. I think it's about time I took a break to grief proper on the demise of realism, my realism amidst surrealism. Wait, wishful thoughts would be a better description. Congrats.

I want to relive myself in a better light. Really.

MiMU 26.03.11

I was supposed to join in for a recce today. Skipped it. I was supposed to attend a grand opening, skipped that too. Suddenly, I found myself in the studio, doing nothing. Popped in DVDs after DVDs, only to realise - I don't have anyone to talk to, hang out, or even meet.

I'm shittily lonely. Can't believe for everything I've done, I'm just here in the end on my own. Incredulously unbelievable. Is there a place for lonely souls to hang out? I'd like to know.

There was only Ming who gave me a chance to prove that I can be trusted. Turns out the other way now. But at the very least, someone believed. For a moment.

UNDERSTANDiNG

I guess it's true that I'm getting way too emotional about things right now. Thinking back, its hard to just give up on something that I would really want to pursue, be it skill, love, or life even.

It's also true that all we need is that one person to tell us to wake up, and everything would fall into the right places on its own. I have to admit, I get way to engaged when people I'm attracted to start distancing themselves with me. It's not like I did anything wrong, but I tend to warm up to people real quick, and probably send the wrong messages all the same.

But who really cares?

Mi NGi M iS SUS OM UC H

Found myself back here again. So all this time it was me. Stay off the net Neil!

STREET SLEEPERS

Street Sleepers

MIMU

My world crumbled slowly around me, whilst reality kept moving in a direct straight line. Who would know that I be caught in such a pointless predicament of emotions that even I had no comprehension of.

I broke my last relationship cos it ran dry. But surely eleven years must have opened the floodgates of eternity. Alas I was wrong. I loved deeply, but it digressed into mere takings. There was little that remained truly, and I am devastated to know it could not go on. To make it worse, I was positioned as the hammer that drove the final nail in. That is not true. But who, would believe me now?

It also doesn't help that my work piled because of a simple case of miscommunication. Miscommunication. Such a long word, such a simple meaning, such a difficult understanding, such a gentle reminder, and such an awkward generic descriptor.

While the stranger that showed me the way back, somehow, I'm drawn to the invisible agenda, but more critically, I was duped into believing it will work. That somehow, I would be able to walk through the door of happiness just like that. I ended up just waiting, and waiting, and waiting.

It's been a long, long week plus, and I wonder why I did not stay put where I was. Thinking back, I suppose the Heavens gave me the best time of my life in a short 8 days. 3 of which was the only time I could ever imagine myself smiling silly, and the final day a tearful one. Yes, I'll keep imagining a reply. Yes I will. Yes, I know it wouldn't come. Yes, it will not.

By now I should be inspired enough to write a new album altogether. By now. Yeah. But by now, all I need is a kind reply to tell me it's over, that perhaps all these were but a poor joke meant to reveal my short time on earth.

I'm really maxed out like many times before. Somehow, this time it felt different. Somehow, it didn't seem like this is anymore exciting. It's painful, hurting, and making me sick.

MIMU for the 9th day. How many more days should I wait?

KOR TOAD KUP

Sometimes in life, we are sorry. So sorry that there is no more reasons for any excuses. And any reasons also don't make any sense any more. It's irritating.

The worst part is, it's so easy to fall in love, but so hard to love. And I'm really sorry for myself. Doesn't matter that I may have a heart of gold, or whatever else others say, nobody wants it for real. Perhaps everything came too late. Or perhaps I'm not content.

I can keep trying, but that's as far as I would go. That's it. Nobody will wait. And today, I'm sorry. I got lost but found a friend =)

HEADED

I travelled up yesterday, and it's been too many flights in too short a time already. Just had a long seafood dinner and already, it's a changed environment.

Ir wanted so badly to get a massage, and well, given the situation, she can't. Ended up, now I'm sitting in this up market foot massage place trying to act as cool as I can... But the pain and tickle is shit. I hate this!!!! And the masseurs are still joking and having fun.... But I'm still trying to act cool,"$):/569$(2/($&?,,!!8:;)$,/;!&@ Ir i is so hate you!!!!!!!!!

The villa is nice! I so wish to put up some pictures but well connectivity is really awkward here. Should have signed for the plans. Anyhow, will post some when I can.

It's quite picturesque. Very to be honest. Never seen a place this beautiful in my life, maybe only in pictures. Quite unbelievable and I've got Ir to thank this time... Wish I'm good company enough.

Lol. This really cute Japanese teenage boy just finished his foot massage beside me! He's got no reactions at all OMG!!! @,,(:6kfxjks&,67oyd&?;€€?.\%+

A lot ran through my mind since I got here, and it doesn't help that I'm also here to work. The guys working here are extremely nice, but the efficiency leaves a lot of room for doubt. I can see the efforts, but somehow we aren't reaching our destination. I hope things turn out well on Monday.

Ok. Low batt, be right back once I get back to the villa. - 11.20PM

5AM already, and I'm just about to retire. Back in villa and brain's getting weak. Will blog more tomorrow.

Goodnight!

ONE THOUSAND

Considering the stay is rather worthwhile, I guess I can quite forgive the weather.

Today in Bangkok. Off to Phuket tomorrow. Noon flight, got to sleep soon =)

MAYBE iT WAS SO

Tonight made me realized nothing is real. For whatever that had happened, and has happened, it was not meant to be. Many things.

What probably disturbed me more is how volatile human relationships are. No matter how hard we try, there's that hundredth to one chance it just craps out.

Perhaps my own doings are my own demise. What we do wrong will eventually have to be paid back. That's the way things be. And had been. Has been. Will always be.

Today is the sixth day that it rained on my party. And that's the longest stretch ever. It's time to rise above. And watch the clouds.

FiRST MOBiLE POST

Let's see if this actually works!

TAKiNG TiME

I thought I blogged a couple times after the last post, but I think each time it was intended, it never was really penned... I must have spaced out at some point in time.

The year started somewhat great, with loads of projects lined up that could certainly feed us for a while. Then I realised how pitiful it got just trying to manage the workload. Either way, it slowed down due to some postponements, and gradually just faded down.

Issues with the relationship surfaced yet again. While some says I simply don't understand, there are some sympathies for my predicament still. Honestly, it's probably not because I don't understand, but it's more like the bystanders don't really know the back stories enough to make a serious judgement about the case.

Anyway, it came to a final boiling point where personal emotions got in the way of official work, and that irked me big time. I'm okay with tantrums, but I'm just not okay when it's spent in front of clients or co-workers. It's unsightly, disgusting, and definitely not the best opportunity to air dirty linen. To make matters worse, it made the clients uncomfortable, something I would never want to over emphasise as grossly inappropriate.

But well, it still happened. And I exploded afterwards.

The difference this time is, I did not stop to control the outburst. I decided to just let it all come out. Those instances where you've put up with something for so long, and you can't hold it in any longer. Yeah, this time I have every right to explode. And why not? If someone else thinks they have a right to do what they did, why not I the right to react my way?

Think about it. It's truly straightforward. Someone can do something they think it's right, why can't I then? It's not about wrongs or rights, but it's come to a point of somebody wants to do something, and so do I.

So yes, that's the end of the episode for now. What else can there be?

These few days has bad news or happenings piling in and knocking on my already very volatile state of mind. And it doesn't help that my birthday tomorrow is gonna suck big time. What's worse, I dropped the keys into the lift shaft earlier on cos I was too tired and losing focus, buttered my fingers there even though I wasn't carrying much in my hands. Oh, I haven't gotten new clothes, so that's the other bummer. The biggest whammy: my bed broke a few days ago, and I rushed to get a new one only to have them deliver soonest with me fixing it up myself - and now the bed is in, it's a little too huge for the room.

I'm so heavily distracted by the needless relationship bugs that I think I've become so numb and shut out. Damn the believers who thought love was forever. Literally. 11 years of pain, I'm done.

So the ultimate question, why ain't I happy? Because I was not treasured as who I am.

This CNY will suck big time. I'm just gonna hide at home and pray no one disturbs me in my room. It be best I get my own space soon, before the nagging pours in big time just for that.

2011 FiRST

Tis the first post of the year, and I thought I should look forward to differences. Changes perhaps, but I would rather things stop getting stuck in places where they should not be. In the least, it should at least wrangle itself out of stuckness.

A picture to commemorate 2010 I guess!

2010 FiNALE

Yeah, and I got to do it in style. Or at least I was hoping. Then it became a fast fading wish.

Happy 2011 anyway.

Last night I witnessed loads of cheer and happiness for a change. The managers and bartenders were having their last final farewell for 2010, celebrated with a slew of drinks and coffee-shop talk. I just sat there watching them. And I actually felt happy! LOL. I'm a sad creature.

RiGHT ABOUT

The time when it comes to realising that things may have moved on, the world has gone on, that time has passed on, I stood here watching the world go by, knowing by heart that there's so much I've only achieved, yet, so much that is coming. I don't know, where were me when I needed me?

MERRY CHRiSTMAS

or whatever that's left. I thought I was supposed to be on a break, but turns out, we gotta work more than necessary. Perhaps I need to start to say NO quicker.

i SEEK CLOSURE

I do. I'm done asking why. I'm done trying. I'm done even done. Come on, make it snappy. Snappy snappy!

Let's recap:

Jan: Managed to put 3 other very dear individuals together to form the current team at work. Projects that spilled over from last year came through as the first projects under the new management. Steering the projects through with only one other working partner then. Things were just beginning to take shape.

Feb: Spent the Lunar New Year needlessly finding out waves of bad news within the extended family. But hey, who's to complain? This is probably the last New Year festival that I was actually looking forward to, since we got together to throw pineapples for good luck. We obviously did something wrong - something doesn't feel right.

March: I can't remember a single thing about March, except work and worries. Lining yup projects were difficult, and the economic downturn certainly didn't help. Nothing great about the month honestly.

April: Much like March, except that we totally missed out celebrating her birthday, a reminder that came just 2 days ago. So sore was she that I could not mend the damage at all. Here's the worst part: she got angry, I had to continue balancing work and holding the management together. The other working partner finally broke away from his previous job completely and joined in full time. Nothing in full swing though, since everything seemed to be in limbo. We also got a contract to teach. Projects stopped coming in, and the teaching/supervising project became the only bread winner.

May: Another partner joined, started putting a workflow together and pulling resources in proper. Nothing to report except that a storm was brewing that broke out the following month. All I could remember was: working through Labour Day.

June: Fights began breaking out, both at work and home. At work, getting used to my style became the buzzword, and fingers pointed fast and furious at the flaws. Nobody's fault, major mis-communications only that resulted in an almost complete meltdown of the managing team. Worst off, a family member closed shop, sank deep into debt, and I lent money that would probably not ever be returned.

July: More fights broke out - sporadic skirmish. Load of it. Morale was spiraling downwards, and recovering became a longer road. Projects dwindled in and just barely putting bread on the table. Situation at home hardly changed.

August: The Nation's birthday month, the company's dire month, the family's blank month. All the fighting was somewhat put to rest at work, and we were all trying to move on. Notable event: NDP sucked. I stayed home and watched, thoroughly disappointed. The Youth Olympics plucked no chords with us, except getting one related event project to work on. And yes, this project somewhat saved our sorry asses.

September: forth partner finally reunited. Hard battle to appease everyone, especially when individuals were under stressful conditions to perform, and put things together. Warped situations were hammered rudely into form, while personal agendas were being moved aside. Memorable moments: none. Work started pouring in for October through to December.

October: Total meltdown. Great way to start from scratch. Moods improved in all aspects, except my own. I was covering massive amounts of work, and frequencies started to knob towards the frantic end. Yes, it was all beginning to become clear we were all a joke. But to make it otherwise, extra efforts countered, but were simply insufficient to balance the backlogs. Best part, home was still - everyone was watching with anticipation to see if anything improved. Nothing did. I ran off to Australia in search of a shelter to fend off criticisms and everything else that had gone bad. 3 days later, I returned, fresh back into the melee.

November: Beyond-repair situation. I was maxed out, health dwindled. Too many projects to clear, working extended hours like never before. Company on the whole spelled trouble with failure to meet datelines. Panic pangs hit the air everyday. It was almost as if apocalypse arrived. Thankfully, some things panned out. We were saved somewhat. Then, her mom was diagnosed with cancer, and she's spreading herself so thin that I could no longer help with the cause.

December: Exactly. Here we are, work on a good track, life in dire. What a situation to be in. Health on the declined so rapid I could've just woken up not waking up at all already. I seek desperately a way to rectify the current situation again. Believe me, stepping in my shoes is as good as stepping on a land-mine. She's throwing amazing mood swings, and is hysterical about what lies ahead when there isn't much to prove the situation to be worse than it is at the moment. I've gotten into so many fights till I'm hanging half-dead. Murmurs are back, and my cough wouldn't go away. I'm beginning to suspect something much more serious than I know off. I'm so desperate for sleep, and some love. All I'm getting is a cartload of bull.

Dear friends and the beloved departed, help me.

WHAT HAPPENS

Things seem to look up after 11 long long months of struggling to put things together into one big happy pile. Problem is, I am extremely fatigued. Can't seem to re-route the time to something better, or make things even more endearing.

Terrible times in good times.

REJECTiON

Received news from a client today that we did a bad job. I also fell behind another. Yes, I blamed it on another project that I helped out that took up too much time. I blame the people who cannot complete their dedicate tasks. But, I also took it on myself that I didn't put my foot down enough to make them responsible.

I will change that later.

UNDER THE MOONLiGHT

I wrote this piece of music for a film, and it just kept growing on me. Simple, not like how I used to overdo any part of it. Maybe I've become quite easy from being a little hands-in-the-air lately. I'm waving the white flag already. What else do you want?

HANG

Thing are becoming more of a bullshit than anything else lately. I'm sitting here feeling like crap. Why? Cos everyone else wants the glory, and they just need me to deliver the goods to achieve that.

NOVEMBER

hello again. hello! =)

i can't remember when i crossed over to november. but i did nonetheless. i had plenty to write, but after a really long exchange with a friend, fingers a little tired, head a little wheezy.

enjoy november folks. i know mine is thrashed. argh.

THE BURDEN OF PROOF

That's the phrase that describes a defendant's task of proving innocence.

And today, it hit home again that I'm just indeed someone cut-off from all the good stuff. I appreciate the many things that I have, but the need to sustain their existence comes with many sacrifices that eventually takes some of them away. I can't even remember my last free weekend for goodness sake. I don't even remember when I actually laughed for real.

It's that hard. People change, things change, and change is the only constant. But I held steadfast to my will believing it can stay the way it is. Or at least myself. Then I found myself asking, have I changed? Yes, I have, in order to improve the unchanged that I believed to be causing me hurt. But nothing else changed.

Did change stop because I changed? Or did change changed, before I could catch up? Or could it be plain I didn't change, at all?

I fought hard for the fine little things in life, of which, honestly, I've achieve 3 frivolous things. Beyond that, there was really nothing else that shows I'm even anywhere near the fine things. I don't think this is whining anymore. I think this has become a de-sensitised assessment of my current predicament.

I wish I hard just left the country when I had the chance. Seriously. Being here stuck in a limbo for the last 10 years were truly the worst experience of my life. I can't imagine the difference in living, away from all these obligations that have finally now being taken for granted.

My decision to re-construct the company was a total mistake. I now do 3 portions more of what I used to do, and my paycheck continued to shrink because it's a brand new system in place. Utter failure.

Then, the decision to continue serenading the select few individuals in my life that I hold so dear, turned out to be the thrashing point. They cling on harder, to the point I'm about every part of everything. There is no freedom at all. I'm so stifled. Utter failure.

Just before that, I thought believing in people was my only salvation to be recognised. I believed so hard that trust and beliefs would give me a life. But it hit so fast and hard that I finally saw the true nature of being human, that there was never anyone to completely trust except for those who do, in me. I was so wasted, taken for a ride, used and repeated, and it came crushing down to teach me that one fine lesson of utter failure.

I really should have insisted on following my dreams of becoming learned in music, even if my folks had to sell the house back then. Look where I am now? Utter failure.

But no, I insisted that they needed not do that. Cos my sis was in University already, and my brother was aiming for his degree at the same time. I told my folks that I will be okay, that I had no flair whatsoever with books, numbers, theories, and the alphabets. I gladly offered my youth to take over the sinking business, and was harshly told not to butt in. The business fell apart eventually, and left whoever was left in a real fix. Not that I could have done better, but starting from young would have been their winning formula of subsistence. And swiftly, my folks told me to stay out of all Arts, and just try getting into University. My besties went through while I cried secretly at night. I visited them often at the campus, pretending sometimes that I was a freshman just to pretend I was getting a degree too. In the end. I'm still here. Utter failure.

Let me just perhaps lament for the last time that my mis-education was a misfortune, the greatest loss, and my worst experience. Yes, had I insisted to go study music when everyone at home said it wouldn't make money, but for fuck's sake, I could sell a piece for 25 thousand that my ex-partners eventually ripped off of me, I could be selling more at better rates now, be somebody, be somebody. Be somebody. Not like now. Struggling to feed. Yes, I should have insisted, instead of making myself feel better by thinking I was not cut out for it.

I asked the heavens when I got home: why? The burden of proof for me to find my destiny seems impossible.

I want many things to. But hell, I'm so sad now that I just don't want to be disturbed. I don't want to be pretending that I'm alright. Because I'm really not. And people don't understand, thinking I'm just some grouchy fool. I can't even regret when there was nothing for me to regret. I should have insisted on leaving, and left. And I did not, not because I stayed, but I was forced to stay. Why must it be so hard.

So today, I got home at 7am on a Sunday morning, doing work that others could not handle, not able to get out of it cos somebody's got to do it, and so I did it, the only next qualified person to do it. No money to hire someone who could. So I did it. And yet people lost their tempers when I did it. Why? Cos they feel I did what they should do when they cannot do it. They didn't do it eventually, cos I did it. I did it yet I got blamed for it.

I'm so burned out. So tired to the point I don't even know if I'm awake or just sleeping. I took a power nap just yesterday in-between the work cos I was so tired, and I dreamt so much that I jumped out of my nap suddenly cos everything in my head felt so real. And last night, I thought I was fiddling with the computer, only to find myself already fast asleep on it.

Geez. I just yawned. I think I must be sleepy. I don't know. After all, utter failure as the burden of proof falls apart.

FEED

I crack to feed mouths. What do I get? Nothing.

This is bullshit.