LAST NiGHT

Oh, real sorry about that last post. Think it got the better of me over nothingness. Nonetheless, till somebody complains, think I'll just leave it here.

DELiRiUM

I did cry in the office today. I thought it was supposed to make things better, feel lighter, and reduce the stress. But it didn't. I wanted so much to tell Angel ealier on, but I could not. The poor girl's so tired. Then I wanted to tell mommy, but she's got enough worries at the back of her head. I wanted to tell HH, but he's too young. I wanted to tell my sis, but she's too preoccupied with her own work. Nor can I tell brother, or sister, or dad cos that would be really embarassing when they all try to chip in to help. Not that I don't want help, but it's just difficult to be the baby brother all the time, crying in times like these.

So blog, I can only tell you, how much I want to cry cos everything just seemed to be collapsing around me. In fact, as I type, I'm crying, can't see the keyboard proper even. That I am so hurt by so many things, and I hate myself for being so strong for people but never once for myself.

I told HH that, as a boy, he must never cry. I told Angel before that I hardly cry. And I told everyone else that I've never cried since graduating from a baby. But I really can't stand it anymore. I'm so filled with angst, disappointment, fear and regret. And many more emotions I can't even begin to describe.

My horoscope says things would be better, that I would be in control. But I feel so dictated by my clients, my loves, my friends, my work. I feel I almost am a robotic answering machine that responds to everybody's needs except my own. I don't understand why.

To think back the days of Home, I thought those dark days would pass. That betrayal happens once and that's it. That hurt would be a one-time affair. But since the beginning of the year, nothing seems to be going in the right direction. Everyone around me that I've helped, have become better, and I'm still stuck here, digging my own grave, watching my own demise.

I hate being like this, blog, but I can't get rid of this feeling. I'm in so much pain and hurt. Wiping these tears away doesn't even make it any simpler. I thought after crying, it would lessen the pain. Perhaps it did. But the sorrow keeps building on upon itself like Rome.

It's 11:12PM at the studios, and I'm just trying to dump out some songs for the band's album that I've been working on. It sounds great and all, and I just hope I don't disappoint the boys at all.

I've actually stopped talking to god. Any god. I felt so cheated, but at the same time so blessed that they've helped me so much. I used to be so despised when I was a kid, and I prayed that one day, the people upstairs would make good of me. They used to call me names that hurt so much, and people thought I wouldn't amount to much. And for all that, the big guys eventually took it all away, gave me enough room to breathe, enough strength to carry on. But now, I don't want their help cos I've never given them anything, yet, I cannot stand on my own feet right now.

And I love mommy so much but I couldn't do anything to help her feel better. She's so sick and I feel so guilty that I can't even take care of her.

I just sit and cry. That's so silly of me, but I really can't help it anymore. Well, like they say, mind over body, I'm sure it be ok.

Ok. I think I've got a hold of the tears now. A few deep breadths that should do it. It's actually kind of dumb - sitting here crying and typing on you, it feels as if I'm writing a suicide note or bidding farewell to loved ones. Dramatic, and to think I'm actually in the media line. Emotional or not, I think I'm going overboard.

Dear blog. If you have the power to predict my future, would you tell me what will eventually become of me? I really want to make enough money to buy mommy a big house, get her to recover in peace. And give daddy a well-deserved rest. He's been working since young, never stopped once. When uncle had him out the company, he had to drive a bus to earn his own pocket money. And I couldn't give him a cent. I felt quite useless.

So dear blog, would I also be youthful? So that my loves can remember me the way I am right now, cos they think I look great these days after Home, and that I've become better. And they don't despise me like my friends used to cos they found me uncool and ugly. I just wish I stay this way so that I can be wanted.

Okay blog, I gotta clear up a little so that I don't sound too nasal when my baby calls and finds out I've been crying. I guess it did work, that crying does help you feel silly over all these things.

Maybe I'll tell you more later.