I: September 2007

Monday, September 24, 2007

SURELY

"If I could be any dream that you want, any dream will do, any dream I'll become."

"If I could be a light in your shadow, to show you the way, a light I'll be one."

"If I could be a stranger in a bus, alone in this world, unknown to everyone. It could have been any other way, but if I really am, will you walk with me, and talk to me, and laugh with me? Surely I am someone, don't take it away from me. Give me my time, I know I'm awake. Be with me, hold on to my hands, surely I am someone, don't take it away from me. Be kind. I know I'm awake. Sure I am someone."

I'll like to tell you what I think. I would like to think that I am not gifted. Neither am I rich with intelligence. But One thing's for sure, I know I'm hurt. This past week has been so messed up to the point it isn't even worth mentioning no more. But today, finally, I see the difference. I'm finally taking a real breather. No backlogs, no offenses, no urgency.

And I started this brand new week with a pork chop down with mushroom sauce. Twenty bucks worth, just to half-crying tell myself everything's gonna be okay.

There was this once, when I was training in Thailand, the bus taking us to the airport made a pitstop. We got off, and it was just this huge giant gas station with a restaurant that overlooked miles of dusty land. And since, I've only written Surely based on that.

I felt like crying. But tears. So dry.

Saturday, September 22, 2007

HAPPY ENDiNGS

Didn't happen today. In fact, the presentation was so bad, I nearly chased the clients out. I'm not trying to be mean, but paying low for high quality, that's really stretching it. I can't simply do it without feeling hurt. Fact is, I don't owe them an explanation, I just kept agreeing with their nonsense so that they would just get it over and done with. Just leave.

I'm really discouraged. Not by my work, but by being bullied consistently without making a clear stand for myself for the last 2 years. I just mellowed and quietened so much to the point I don't even know myself anymore.

It's hard to explain. And spanning over 4 blogs, I don't even know which one I should really enter right now. Save for a few hint of democracy amidst my utmost yearning to keep the secrecy of it all, it's getting plain tiring trying to find a hole to hide. And I'm just about out of holes to do that.

Someone up there: I know I've been bad. Take it out on me, yeah, but don't drag all them I love along. It's not right. And benevolence was supposed to be boundless, limitless, and not the opposite of revenge. Please. Give me a breather. If it isn't tough getting the company running and having the show on, it's tougher trying to keep my sanity with all these eccentrics you are throwing at me.

I love my job. To the point I'll kill myself. Let's, not go there.