MiSNOMER

Seems like luck moaned in disgust again. It keeps me up some nights just wondering why some have, and some have not. The yearning drools into a perpetual state of cancer, and nothing seems to be drawing it back like a loosed-bullet.

Time seems to be flowing so fast. I don't even recall accurately how old I am, how long it's been, and why I'm still here, lamenting, suffering and wallowing in denial about the state of things. Perhaps there is a reason for all this, and it's only ready to show itself when I least expect it. Yeah, then it'll look like a total pleasant surprise when nothing else really worked, cutting through the depression like a hot knife through frozen cheese.

I terribly need to re-strategise living. Somehow, things are working, but not working fast enough. The longer the hours that I toil, the more unworthy the situation becomes. The harder I work, the tougher it gets to comprehend.

I used to update on happenings. But there's so little that has happened, I don't even know what else to update besides complaints against whatever's about broke.

Oh, one hard-disk failure at the office last week, cost a bomb to get back all the data, and guess what, the pinch hurt deeper than a break-up. Why are things failing?! Where is that light at the end of the beautiful tunnel?!

Gonna hit the showers. See if anything else comes up when I get back. Boo.



Nope. Nothing new. Good night cyberspace!

UNCRASH

Caught a 2-movie marathon on Saturday with Kev, Ken, Ange and myself. Ken's got this issue with underlines man...

Anyway, after sending Kev home, we passed by 2 accidents along the expressway. I literally screeched to a stop and jumped right out the car when I saw the first scene: 3 people were trying to get a person out of the wreckage. I kinda ran towards them, and thank goodness, nobody was hurt. Shocked perhaps, but that's about at that point.

The second one was even more horrendous. A cab driver smashed right into the barriers, and probably spun a couple times before stopping. He was okay too, in shock and disbelief. An ambulance came for him but that's about. There was really nothing more we could do. You should have seen both accidents: the road barriers were up-rooted for quite a distance, and both accidents were barely a 100 meters apart.

It left a deep impression really. That life is so precious and fragile at the same time, it doesn't make sense to be toiling or to be hating. It's not the first time I stopped to help where I can whenever I spot an accident, but fact is, the reminders smack right into my face in times like these.

That got me thinking why people continue to squeeze themselves so hard. The last trip Jean made back to Singapore, she left me one good word: resilience. And I thought this is what I needed. A collective word to gather what really needs to be done, and put in their places. Now that I've got this word, I'll be sticking by it for a while.

Too many stupid issues, dependencies, and drama already, and I'm just about had it up there.

Didn't help that my band mate pulled out of a charity gig, because "directions were different" and he's "over-pampered by our fans". Truth is, we never had any fans, but only friends. I never treated them as fans. Cos they aren't. Heck, I wouldn't have people who actually appreciate what I write or sing or play, except for friends like them. What fans?!

Then the bombshell dropped. I don't relish the gift of friendship when people just don't value it. I get pointed the finger one final time because somebody couldn't claim responsibility for his stupid actions. If you read wrong, forgot, or screwed up, admit it, life moves on. Instead, he pointed the finger at me, and said I insisted on the course of action. That is not something I am pleased with.

So there. Resilience. Since people are so prone to self-defensive defiance, I'll let them be. Sure, go get your own fans. Go get your own shields.

I ain't got no fans, ain't got no shields. I'll admit when I did bad. But I'm happy. The very least, I'm honest enough to admit I'm crap.