And good riddance for a year filled with angst, frustration, tragedies, and despair! For a freak once, this is one year not worth the remembering. Now that it's just hours away, and prompted by similar 2009 last posts around the world, I'm joining the foray in the thrashing of 2009!
Let's see... Mas Selamat is now very last century. Obama took office. Liverpool's performance was crap. Some people got married, others divorced. Financial crisis toppled a big number of rich people. Swine flu made a come-back. H1N1 made a greater disaster. Earthquake struck, people died. And it struck a couple more times. North Korea remained as is. So did Myanmar. APEC increased trade, climate's still in deep shit. Water rising, countries disappearing. More hit and runs. Murder via decapitation. Afghanistan in limbo, again. Writers went on strike. LDP lost control in Japan.
What a 2009. Isn't there any good news?
The biggest news on "I" - a rapid decline of posts. Reviewing what "I" had been for the last year, tblog was dropped, and postings were far than few. There was an almost exponential drop in the number of photographs posted of the dailies, which also translates to very little visual accompaniment to remember 2009.
Hence, my priority 2010 resolutions are to rectify the short notes above, and make good to re-establish the blog! YEAY!
Whatever it may be, hunt around this page for links to various micro sites that may point out more of me in 2009. A*mei is definitely one of the few fresh things that happened...
Nevertheless, GOODBYE 2009, GOOD RIDDANCE, AND HELLO 2010~!
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Monday, December 28, 2009
POST TOAST
Not too bad a holiday, considering we've toiled for almost a month over the documentary that should have been finished like months before. So we had a small dinner, some coffee, and probably some treasured moments. Long weekend. I ain't complaining.
And now that I have a long report to type, gonna save some typing energy here. Cheerios!
And now that I have a long report to type, gonna save some typing energy here. Cheerios!
Friday, December 25, 2009
Friday, December 11, 2009
AWAKENED THE DRAGON
They say its a good year coming up, and that many things will go my way. I'm quite into this whole predictions thing, so I'm really banking on what it means. Struggles or not, things seem to be looking up in terms of flight, even though the gravity remains a force to be reckoned with. I'm slowly adjusting my sights, both near and far, to better manage expectations that were never there before.
I've practically stopped blogging activities due to an avalanche of work. I know... so what's new right? But point is, it is happy busy for once, and it's getting interesting by the day. What I thought was almost the hardest thing to do is getting done at least, and the momentum is moving swiftly along. So yeah, a change for a long time I suppose.
How's everybody doing? I would really love to catch up, but time is of the essence now. I can't imagine what I would be doing without all these lovely people around me, despite heavy resistance from detractors. Still, looking forward was never this easy.
Just putting a little time-stamp here I guess, for tonight at least! =P
I've practically stopped blogging activities due to an avalanche of work. I know... so what's new right? But point is, it is happy busy for once, and it's getting interesting by the day. What I thought was almost the hardest thing to do is getting done at least, and the momentum is moving swiftly along. So yeah, a change for a long time I suppose.
How's everybody doing? I would really love to catch up, but time is of the essence now. I can't imagine what I would be doing without all these lovely people around me, despite heavy resistance from detractors. Still, looking forward was never this easy.
Just putting a little time-stamp here I guess, for tonight at least! =P
Monday, November 30, 2009
THE HEROiCS
I was contemplating what to do tonight, after like totally maxed myself out on BBQ chicken wings set in front of the telly. Then came in here, fed my games addiction a little, and started chatting online. A week's worth of sweat at the congress and exhibition, plus 3 months of money woes (and still not out of it), I thought it be nice to just laze.
Kinda pointless to keep wondering how many people are swearing at me for not making the payouts on time. Damned. I'm so gonna lose 4 years of reputation basics, not to mention years of reliability. Soon to go in a matter of weeks. OH PLEASE OH PLEASE... PAY ME!!!
Gees... I'm so bored till I'm actually sending emoticons...
Oh well, maybe I've grown tired of blogging. Partially cos of the lack of content, but probably cos I don't want to report to cyberspace like some routine no more. For the fact that nobody really digs this site, and that there's so much to put into English text, its tiring man.
Anyway, my band's playing in Feb 2010. Check out the details on the FB page: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Nightsound/83712656511
Buy tickets early!
Kinda pointless to keep wondering how many people are swearing at me for not making the payouts on time. Damned. I'm so gonna lose 4 years of reputation basics, not to mention years of reliability. Soon to go in a matter of weeks. OH PLEASE OH PLEASE... PAY ME!!!
Gees... I'm so bored till I'm actually sending emoticons...
Oh well, maybe I've grown tired of blogging. Partially cos of the lack of content, but probably cos I don't want to report to cyberspace like some routine no more. For the fact that nobody really digs this site, and that there's so much to put into English text, its tiring man.
Anyway, my band's playing in Feb 2010. Check out the details on the FB page: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Nightsound/83712656511
Buy tickets early!
Monday, November 23, 2009
MAKE A TRAiL
And to think trails and trials are but 2 places off.
I've so vexed by a multitude of issues concerning the next big move - I'm getting many opinions and suggestions, just don't have the time to weigh the options. Then again, for the first time, my discouraged soul was immediately pushed to the front and shone a guilty light on for a change.
I WANT MONEY!
I've so vexed by a multitude of issues concerning the next big move - I'm getting many opinions and suggestions, just don't have the time to weigh the options. Then again, for the first time, my discouraged soul was immediately pushed to the front and shone a guilty light on for a change.
I WANT MONEY!
Thursday, November 19, 2009
SLEEP
I finally got some time off from work tonight, came home early, chilling out, then someone's gotta call me up and piss me off. I don't get it. Not like my mind needs anymore things to think about, but seriously, I just don't wanna be taken for a ride.
Can't people just tell how jealous, envious, uninterested others are when they get the vibe? Or is the vibe not apparent enough that it has to be all said?
OMFG. This is getting damned stupid. Regret tying up loose ends.
Gonna take a freaking long shower till I melt or something.
----------+----------
And so I did. A really long, warm shower to beat the cold and to soothe the skin.
I'm peeling like crazy...
Can't people just tell how jealous, envious, uninterested others are when they get the vibe? Or is the vibe not apparent enough that it has to be all said?
OMFG. This is getting damned stupid. Regret tying up loose ends.
Gonna take a freaking long shower till I melt or something.
And so I did. A really long, warm shower to beat the cold and to soothe the skin.
I'm peeling like crazy...
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
BUZZED
Was trying desperately to do many things at a go, to the point I don't really know what I'm doing. Apologies for the lack of updates, but this month is totally crazy. Penniless, and fighting to survive.
Wish me luck.
Wish me luck.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
PROUD
Let's see... something I've done recently that I'm proud of... nothing.
I've been so tied up trying to figure out what went wrong, I don't even know why I'm even still at it when I can't even figure out why I'm figuring it out.
The most haunting thing is certainly the rubbish that has piled up from all the backlogs. Plus, with people not paying up, I'm just about to think it's game over.
Well, technically, it IS game over.
Now, maybe there is someplace I wanna be.
I've been so tied up trying to figure out what went wrong, I don't even know why I'm even still at it when I can't even figure out why I'm figuring it out.
The most haunting thing is certainly the rubbish that has piled up from all the backlogs. Plus, with people not paying up, I'm just about to think it's game over.
Well, technically, it IS game over.
Now, maybe there is someplace I wanna be.
Tuesday, November 03, 2009
CRUSHiNG
You are crushing.
Just as the world is promised, the world is un-promised. I cannot comprehend how people can say one thing and do another altogether. Is that right? Is that even the proper way of working something out at all?
It feels really bad when someone agrees to something to me, or assures me of something, and the next moment, it's completely different. Do you ever get that? While I try to deliver my words, people default without even needing to try.
Crushing.
If the feeling is akin to having the end of a shoelace stuck in between the foot and the shoe itself, I guess it'll be easier to bear.
Crushing.
To think I actually bore such occurrences, I must be really dying to be noticed, loved, or even asked about. It's almost like I'm in a state of attention-deficit or something. Oh well, perhaps it is time after all to cut some people out of my life for good, instead of hoping that they'll come around.
Gosh, I'm actually hungry, running in between this blog and the studio, dumping out music for an artiste. I can't hide my excitement, but things of late isn't looking too bright, so that sort of leveled things back to neutrality.
Since I last realised how few people I actually can call in an instant, I've been trying hard to keep a look out for luck-mates. Like they say, birds of a feather flock together, and it gets irritating doing things all by yourself after a long long while. And as the search goes on relentlessly, I also discovered how people tend to just sweep me aside for the fact that I'm useless lest I've something to offer.
Pragmatic in a way I suppose, but hey, I probably did the same to some people anyway. Pots and kettles will eventually get black.
Mounting bills, discolored interests, increasing stress... OMG. Given a million dollars, I might just head to the doctor for a check-up first, and make sure I know what's wrong with me for certain.
I've been lying to myself for the longest time that there is no medication for my condition. Point is, I can't afford it. So yeah, let's live and let live, see where I end up eventually. I do wish at times that life is a real flash, yet on other days, I hate the fact that I'll fall before the average census death age. Sucky, but while, too many should haves and what ifs to count to put things back into perspective isn't it?
Who's really reading this I wonder? Besides this little girl I take as a little sister that's been snooping around for info! LOL.
Jolly well, I should think I need to get some rest soon.
Just as the world is promised, the world is un-promised. I cannot comprehend how people can say one thing and do another altogether. Is that right? Is that even the proper way of working something out at all?
It feels really bad when someone agrees to something to me, or assures me of something, and the next moment, it's completely different. Do you ever get that? While I try to deliver my words, people default without even needing to try.
Crushing.
If the feeling is akin to having the end of a shoelace stuck in between the foot and the shoe itself, I guess it'll be easier to bear.
Crushing.
To think I actually bore such occurrences, I must be really dying to be noticed, loved, or even asked about. It's almost like I'm in a state of attention-deficit or something. Oh well, perhaps it is time after all to cut some people out of my life for good, instead of hoping that they'll come around.
Gosh, I'm actually hungry, running in between this blog and the studio, dumping out music for an artiste. I can't hide my excitement, but things of late isn't looking too bright, so that sort of leveled things back to neutrality.
Since I last realised how few people I actually can call in an instant, I've been trying hard to keep a look out for luck-mates. Like they say, birds of a feather flock together, and it gets irritating doing things all by yourself after a long long while. And as the search goes on relentlessly, I also discovered how people tend to just sweep me aside for the fact that I'm useless lest I've something to offer.
Pragmatic in a way I suppose, but hey, I probably did the same to some people anyway. Pots and kettles will eventually get black.
Mounting bills, discolored interests, increasing stress... OMG. Given a million dollars, I might just head to the doctor for a check-up first, and make sure I know what's wrong with me for certain.
I've been lying to myself for the longest time that there is no medication for my condition. Point is, I can't afford it. So yeah, let's live and let live, see where I end up eventually. I do wish at times that life is a real flash, yet on other days, I hate the fact that I'll fall before the average census death age. Sucky, but while, too many should haves and what ifs to count to put things back into perspective isn't it?
Who's really reading this I wonder? Besides this little girl I take as a little sister that's been snooping around for info! LOL.
Jolly well, I should think I need to get some rest soon.
Monday, November 02, 2009
LEARNT
I think I have to learn to be an employee in my own company. It's not working out, that I was actually working on Halloween, when I should just round up the cause and head out for a party!
It didn't happen of course. Not much to my liking.
Yes, I shall learn how to finish my work and call it a day. That way, I can be more productive than procrastinating.
I've been playing a word game online for the longest time, and guess what, I can actually feel my way around the keyboard, no longer needing to look at it as I type. That's gotta say that I'm spending too much time on the game isn't it?
----------+----------
I made one of my life's most disheartening decisions today. I told someone off, and decided enough is enough. Yes, indeed, enough is enough. I've been too nice to people all the time, to the point I can forgive people who do the same things all over, never learning their lessons, never learning from their mistakes. So I decided for sure, I cannot forgive anymore, for if there is one person I cannot forgive still, it's myself for being nice to others when they deserved nothing more than their responsibilities, and I, baring the brunt of their mistakes.
Then again, what is a mistake? To err is to be human. But yet, it feels like I'm used and only usable when needed. That's not what I am? I am someone. But it seems taking me for granted is easy, when I come forth so willingly and sincerely, its so easy to forget that I am human too.
Oh, salute those who've braved the weather with a cardboard over their heads. If God made a money-back guarantee on life... can I have my money back?
It didn't happen of course. Not much to my liking.
Yes, I shall learn how to finish my work and call it a day. That way, I can be more productive than procrastinating.
I've been playing a word game online for the longest time, and guess what, I can actually feel my way around the keyboard, no longer needing to look at it as I type. That's gotta say that I'm spending too much time on the game isn't it?
I made one of my life's most disheartening decisions today. I told someone off, and decided enough is enough. Yes, indeed, enough is enough. I've been too nice to people all the time, to the point I can forgive people who do the same things all over, never learning their lessons, never learning from their mistakes. So I decided for sure, I cannot forgive anymore, for if there is one person I cannot forgive still, it's myself for being nice to others when they deserved nothing more than their responsibilities, and I, baring the brunt of their mistakes.
Then again, what is a mistake? To err is to be human. But yet, it feels like I'm used and only usable when needed. That's not what I am? I am someone. But it seems taking me for granted is easy, when I come forth so willingly and sincerely, its so easy to forget that I am human too.
Oh, salute those who've braved the weather with a cardboard over their heads. If God made a money-back guarantee on life... can I have my money back?
Thursday, October 29, 2009
TWO HUNDRED
Now that I think back about how 300 men inspired an entire nation to rise up against their adversaries, I begin to think how I might be inspired to use the last 200 bucks in my coffers, to rise against this unbearable tide of failure.
And while the 300 men died heroically, will I, too, die trying, die a pauper?
And while the 300 men died heroically, will I, too, die trying, die a pauper?
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
SHOULD HAVES
I'm beginning to believe strongly that I should have done more bad things in this lifetime. Like spend more money, rip more people off, sleep and fuck around some more, drink even more, party more more, hang out way more, enjoy the materials things all the more.
My life is mundane. It has become loaded with responsibilities, kind heartedness, and worse, living with obligations based on an unwarranted guilt inculcated by the needs of others, and not my own. I feel I must do something to make others happy, so that I can be happy. I was wrong. I am still wrong.
I can't sleep well at night knowing I might have not done something for someone, or have been unable to assist someone, or even said something nice to someone. I've tried talking mean to my love ones when they deserved it, and in the end, I hurt myself more by forgiving them more than they really need to be. For all that I've forgiven, I cannot forget how mean they were, yet, unable to reconcile the fact that I love them all so much and cannot bear to not be nice.
This is a shit life. My life's a shit life. Really. The issues start when you're nice, and people begin to climb all over and take advantage of you being nice. I'm so used, and still, I'm nowhere.
I'm poor, I'm in debt, and I'm still trying to make ends meet. Worst part: I'm still trying to make people happy. Why? I do not know.
As of many other nights, tonight I feel helpless. I need some pointers, some advice, but I have no one to ask. It always feel like I'm alone whenever I have important things to decide, and there isn't anyone qualified around me to answer them, or even give their two cents worth. Its almost as if I live alone on an island, watching the world move on while I'm still stuck in isolation.
And even if I tried getting more heads together in an attempt to brainstorm what one million others before us might have already thought and attempted, everyone's busy, caught up, or simply not in the mood. And that leaves me fighting my lone war to benefit those who depend on me, while they continue on with their lives, oblivious to the struggles of the hand that feeds.
Well, laments aside, I want myself to know at least, that I'm in no perfect health. And since I'm gonna die soon anyway, I begin to ask why I might be responsible for everyone else's living when my own is shorter than the average.
There's this boy on my FB who has had multitude of illnesses, accidents, and bad relations. Yet, born with a silver spoon, he sprouts his cause for the GLBT community, but totally detached from others' woes. When he posts videos of bullying, accidental deaths, or even gorish content in real life, he could so simply laugh about it and take it like God's wicked joke on human life. And he is all glee when people bolsters his ideals, thoughts, or simply "words of wisdom", which in my opinion, are laden with half-truths and immaturity, and are hardly wise until you look it up in your own head.
Here's the difference: he is rich, not too bad looking, and best of all, assy. That makes him cool, attractive, and completely independent (based on his dependence on the wealth already bestowed upon him). And he goes around completely uninterested in his studies, cos he really don't need to, unconvinced with others' sincerity, cos he believes the world is dead just because he is ill, and critically believes the world owes him, and he has no responsibilities whatsoever to anyone else.
And the situation is as such: he has everything. And he can afford anything. And beat this: he don't care if you're alive, or dead. He is unafraid, and he is totally unconcerned what happens to you. Now hear this, he is very popular, and he has an army of wise sayings anytime you speak to him.
I really don't know how he ended up on my friends list, but he is like the epitome of good and evil. He opened my eyes to how someone can be so brave against everything and everyone else, yet, be worshiped like a demi-god with his words.
I'm appalled, and very dumbfounded. I'm disgusted, yet envious at the same time. I reflect my life as a mirror to his, and I see my own side as a broken, shattered imagery, while his is a gleaming shot of the perfection I so yearn.
SIGH.
I'm already quite close to a melt-down, my motivation is in the Fahrenheit, but unmeasurable in the Celsius. This is shit.
My life is mundane. It has become loaded with responsibilities, kind heartedness, and worse, living with obligations based on an unwarranted guilt inculcated by the needs of others, and not my own. I feel I must do something to make others happy, so that I can be happy. I was wrong. I am still wrong.
I can't sleep well at night knowing I might have not done something for someone, or have been unable to assist someone, or even said something nice to someone. I've tried talking mean to my love ones when they deserved it, and in the end, I hurt myself more by forgiving them more than they really need to be. For all that I've forgiven, I cannot forget how mean they were, yet, unable to reconcile the fact that I love them all so much and cannot bear to not be nice.
This is a shit life. My life's a shit life. Really. The issues start when you're nice, and people begin to climb all over and take advantage of you being nice. I'm so used, and still, I'm nowhere.
I'm poor, I'm in debt, and I'm still trying to make ends meet. Worst part: I'm still trying to make people happy. Why? I do not know.
As of many other nights, tonight I feel helpless. I need some pointers, some advice, but I have no one to ask. It always feel like I'm alone whenever I have important things to decide, and there isn't anyone qualified around me to answer them, or even give their two cents worth. Its almost as if I live alone on an island, watching the world move on while I'm still stuck in isolation.
And even if I tried getting more heads together in an attempt to brainstorm what one million others before us might have already thought and attempted, everyone's busy, caught up, or simply not in the mood. And that leaves me fighting my lone war to benefit those who depend on me, while they continue on with their lives, oblivious to the struggles of the hand that feeds.
Well, laments aside, I want myself to know at least, that I'm in no perfect health. And since I'm gonna die soon anyway, I begin to ask why I might be responsible for everyone else's living when my own is shorter than the average.
There's this boy on my FB who has had multitude of illnesses, accidents, and bad relations. Yet, born with a silver spoon, he sprouts his cause for the GLBT community, but totally detached from others' woes. When he posts videos of bullying, accidental deaths, or even gorish content in real life, he could so simply laugh about it and take it like God's wicked joke on human life. And he is all glee when people bolsters his ideals, thoughts, or simply "words of wisdom", which in my opinion, are laden with half-truths and immaturity, and are hardly wise until you look it up in your own head.
Here's the difference: he is rich, not too bad looking, and best of all, assy. That makes him cool, attractive, and completely independent (based on his dependence on the wealth already bestowed upon him). And he goes around completely uninterested in his studies, cos he really don't need to, unconvinced with others' sincerity, cos he believes the world is dead just because he is ill, and critically believes the world owes him, and he has no responsibilities whatsoever to anyone else.
And the situation is as such: he has everything. And he can afford anything. And beat this: he don't care if you're alive, or dead. He is unafraid, and he is totally unconcerned what happens to you. Now hear this, he is very popular, and he has an army of wise sayings anytime you speak to him.
I really don't know how he ended up on my friends list, but he is like the epitome of good and evil. He opened my eyes to how someone can be so brave against everything and everyone else, yet, be worshiped like a demi-god with his words.
I'm appalled, and very dumbfounded. I'm disgusted, yet envious at the same time. I reflect my life as a mirror to his, and I see my own side as a broken, shattered imagery, while his is a gleaming shot of the perfection I so yearn.
SIGH.
I'm already quite close to a melt-down, my motivation is in the Fahrenheit, but unmeasurable in the Celsius. This is shit.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
KRUNCH
I've been so slow with my blogging lately, that I think I should stop all the same! LOL. Nobody responses and hardly anyone sweeps by here. Oh well, what the heck.
I'm sick, heaty from too much BBQ chicken wings. Yeah, some people already reprimanded me over that, but shucks, how can anyone resist sitting in front of the TV, just gnawing away at the wings with a easy chili dip?!
And the worst part about feeling sick is that you know exactly what's wrong, and you're not putting a 101% effort to recover sooner. So there I go, still on cold drinks and fried food, even though they are in limited portions...
The biggest news to report on this October morning thus far, is that I'm about to owe people money, because a lot of others are owing me. Dammit. Bitches in the business world. I wonder what it will take for them to fall flat and stop cheating on others.
Anyway, I'm home early for a change, after a few days of round the clock work - see! working so hard although I'm so sick! that's gotta count for something - so I suppose resting early is priority now.
Cheerios cyberspace.
I'm sick, heaty from too much BBQ chicken wings. Yeah, some people already reprimanded me over that, but shucks, how can anyone resist sitting in front of the TV, just gnawing away at the wings with a easy chili dip?!
And the worst part about feeling sick is that you know exactly what's wrong, and you're not putting a 101% effort to recover sooner. So there I go, still on cold drinks and fried food, even though they are in limited portions...
The biggest news to report on this October morning thus far, is that I'm about to owe people money, because a lot of others are owing me. Dammit. Bitches in the business world. I wonder what it will take for them to fall flat and stop cheating on others.
Anyway, I'm home early for a change, after a few days of round the clock work - see! working so hard although I'm so sick! that's gotta count for something - so I suppose resting early is priority now.
Cheerios cyberspace.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
STAR STRUCK
I was appalled to see a link to Razor TV's renewed interview with Ris Low, the fallen Queen convicted of fraud and put on probation. If it wasn't enough of an episode from the start, Razor picked up from where they left off last: what happens now.
A myriad of questions were asked, seemingly directed to give Ris a chance to clarify and offer explanations to her incidences within the public eye. When it started off with questioning her capabilities, it was painful to watch a teenage girl admitting to her faults and mental conditions at such close-up personal levels.
Hundreds of comments that were divided with unease over if she was honest, or dishonest with her new revelations were astounding. Public opinions were either favorably empathic, or ridiculously doubtful, with barely a handful that showed even a small hint of neutrality.
Bashing her or patting her on the back was the order of the day.
However, upon closer scrutiny of the videos, the edit was favoring sensational news reporting, intended to incite emotional responses that have seamlessly led to the successful creation of the clips in the first place.
I was empathic towards the harshness of the media spotlight which she has suffered - likewise, I was conned into even completing the entire set of clips.
Evidently, not only was Ris led to answering questions with "sensational" answers that she was clueless about, the various edits made by the producers at Razor tightened the dramatics of the interview overall. What can be said, thus, is that the public had been led, and continues to be led into emotional opinions that in turn, creates a new wave of success for Razor TV.
Given our current state of immaturity towards the future - in various aspects of our everyday lives that is - the media continues to paint the town red for the sake of material gains, downright diminishing careful, mature, and even thoughtful assessments of events.
As our media continues to shape the future, I fear one day, we may all be thrown into the absurdity of bullish, even nonsensical answers, to the simplest question: who are you?
On hindsight, although Ris was given a chance to speak at her pace and air her thoughts, she was led by the nose to provide tacky answers enough to, in turn, lead the viewers by their noses to believe whatever Razor wants them to believe.
Who's the real loser now? The viewers.
A myriad of questions were asked, seemingly directed to give Ris a chance to clarify and offer explanations to her incidences within the public eye. When it started off with questioning her capabilities, it was painful to watch a teenage girl admitting to her faults and mental conditions at such close-up personal levels.
Hundreds of comments that were divided with unease over if she was honest, or dishonest with her new revelations were astounding. Public opinions were either favorably empathic, or ridiculously doubtful, with barely a handful that showed even a small hint of neutrality.
Bashing her or patting her on the back was the order of the day.
However, upon closer scrutiny of the videos, the edit was favoring sensational news reporting, intended to incite emotional responses that have seamlessly led to the successful creation of the clips in the first place.
I was empathic towards the harshness of the media spotlight which she has suffered - likewise, I was conned into even completing the entire set of clips.
Evidently, not only was Ris led to answering questions with "sensational" answers that she was clueless about, the various edits made by the producers at Razor tightened the dramatics of the interview overall. What can be said, thus, is that the public had been led, and continues to be led into emotional opinions that in turn, creates a new wave of success for Razor TV.
Given our current state of immaturity towards the future - in various aspects of our everyday lives that is - the media continues to paint the town red for the sake of material gains, downright diminishing careful, mature, and even thoughtful assessments of events.
As our media continues to shape the future, I fear one day, we may all be thrown into the absurdity of bullish, even nonsensical answers, to the simplest question: who are you?
On hindsight, although Ris was given a chance to speak at her pace and air her thoughts, she was led by the nose to provide tacky answers enough to, in turn, lead the viewers by their noses to believe whatever Razor wants them to believe.
Who's the real loser now? The viewers.
Wednesday, October 07, 2009
TRUE iNSPiRATiONS
If we are even before Medieval times, I might actually be a very rich man just sitting around doing nothing and just think. I belong to the wrong fucking era simply. All those thoughts must have been worth a million more than what I am thinking what they have already thought about back then. DAMMIT.
Is there a job where I can just sit and think all day?
Anyway, I got this spark of insanity: if there is anyone willing to switch a life with me for any amount of time, you become me and I become you, leave a message somewhere around the blog where I can see it.
Oh, life's a real bitch when there's nothing left to think and do constructively.
Is there a job where I can just sit and think all day?
Anyway, I got this spark of insanity: if there is anyone willing to switch a life with me for any amount of time, you become me and I become you, leave a message somewhere around the blog where I can see it.
Oh, life's a real bitch when there's nothing left to think and do constructively.
Tuesday, October 06, 2009
WELCOME TO 6TH OCTOBER
I'm alive! LOL. Came home with a massive burp attack, and I thought I was gonna die from you. But well, the chest tightens even as I type, feel like thumping the chests till they burst open just to get the stuck air out.
Yes, Clay, it isn't too hard to find me back here! Ha~ Google me and viola~!
But well, I'm still under the weather both physically and mentally. Having some work to do is pretty nice so far, takes the mind off and pushes the body quite a bit to really tire out. Think I really need to get back on my exercise routines soon before I totally phase that out without cause. Flabs are piling at all the wrong places, and I need to stay in shape for more things to come.
Laments laments. I will break free from this disease.
Yes, Clay, it isn't too hard to find me back here! Ha~ Google me and viola~!
But well, I'm still under the weather both physically and mentally. Having some work to do is pretty nice so far, takes the mind off and pushes the body quite a bit to really tire out. Think I really need to get back on my exercise routines soon before I totally phase that out without cause. Flabs are piling at all the wrong places, and I need to stay in shape for more things to come.
Laments laments. I will break free from this disease.
Monday, October 05, 2009
HOLA
Okay. Now I'm totally depressed. To begin with, nobody ever just looks me up. Secondly, the rejected applications swept me off my feet. Thirdly, I'm hungry and I feel like eating but my tummy's really flabby now. Lastly, I'm really tired.
Now I'm totally depressed like totally beyond totally. Call me a blondie, but I'm depressed.
Now I'm totally depressed like totally beyond totally. Call me a blondie, but I'm depressed.
Sunday, October 04, 2009
WHAT iS
And so nothing is. For someone who has the blessings on at least a successful factor, we are the ones who end up chasing wind and getting nowhere. 6 applications, 4 has already been rejected in under 5 days. Demoralising.
Thursday, October 01, 2009
HOW i GOT HERE
In case anyone wonders, I moved to blogging here cos of tblog's immense lack of functional updates. Even the simple task of posting an entry has become a nightmare after I started on Vista. Error-proned, I just kind of abandoned the thing altogether. But... I did leave behind my favorite song! LOL.
Much has happened, and nothing much has happened since I last made an entry. Aside from the astronomical pace of changes to the things and people around me, it's really quite hard to retell events that are insignificantly significant. How should I say? Redundance amidst chaos.
Too many arguments, too many processes, just simply too many things to laze over.
Geez... I really don't have the vibe to retell the past week.
Much has happened, and nothing much has happened since I last made an entry. Aside from the astronomical pace of changes to the things and people around me, it's really quite hard to retell events that are insignificantly significant. How should I say? Redundance amidst chaos.
Too many arguments, too many processes, just simply too many things to laze over.
Geez... I really don't have the vibe to retell the past week.
Friday, September 25, 2009
HAPPY SMiLES
That was what someone told me, about the thing I make others do most often.
I'm glad - for one, hidden behind a hideously gangster face, I actually managed to score something pleasant and uplifting. I asked someone else if I should at least cosmetically enhance my features for a gentler look, and coincidentally, I was given the inner-beauty praise.
If I were to put money aside, living with a better look could potentially score me better opportunities everywhere. This thought bothered me as much as excited me loads. Then again, would I be able to live with it. So for a change, I thought it would be nice to just sleep early, gain some needed rest for the skin, hoping it would brighten up the horrors of a common face slapped on with a bumpy exterior.
What am I saying... ?!
Yes, looks do influence confidence factors, and acutely gains perceptions on impression indexes. Evilised.
I'm glad - for one, hidden behind a hideously gangster face, I actually managed to score something pleasant and uplifting. I asked someone else if I should at least cosmetically enhance my features for a gentler look, and coincidentally, I was given the inner-beauty praise.
If I were to put money aside, living with a better look could potentially score me better opportunities everywhere. This thought bothered me as much as excited me loads. Then again, would I be able to live with it. So for a change, I thought it would be nice to just sleep early, gain some needed rest for the skin, hoping it would brighten up the horrors of a common face slapped on with a bumpy exterior.
What am I saying... ?!
Yes, looks do influence confidence factors, and acutely gains perceptions on impression indexes. Evilised.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
LONELY AFTER MiDNiGHT
Maybe I've grown to become overly nocturnal and actually getting quite accustomed to the crickets and occasional breeze whistling through the window seams, it actually is quite nice to be up alone after midnight with minimal disturbances and calls. Then it gradually became a habit of staying up for the sake of it.
Now, I can't get into sleep and have nothing much to do in this witching hour. Totally bored, totally lonely.
I tried getting people out for suppers and drinks, but as of last week, I found myself completely out of people to call. Either work the next day, plans the following morning, school, trips, meetings, I can't seem to find anyone to just go chill. And as the numbers dwindled, I found out a truth... I actually have very few friends.
Maybe I'm naive. But I've been trying hard to make new friends, perhaps those who have a perchance for nights, and instead started staring down at younger and younger people. For friends who continue to beep on my IM at this hour, they would love the supper, minus the distance of a few thousand kilometers.
So it is, for the last 3 weeks, I finally ran out of people to whine to. And emptied my phonebooks with no one to complain to, talk to, even just share an emo moment. Damn, I think I'm seriously wasting my life.
And if that is true, I'd rather get high and happy while I'm at it, instead of staring down the net and the world wide web, feeling that sore of a loser.
I should really get my hair done right. For as long as I can remember, a new hairstyle perks me up for at least a day, each time I walk out with what the salon has done, and actually getting kind, endearing, and sometimes envious stares. If there is one thing I hate to do, that is to style my hair, myself. So imagine the yearning for admiration on days like these.
Oh, strangely, the topic of looks came up in some conversations over the last couple days, and it seems there are more people who are oblivious to the fact that not-so-good-looking people like myself, actually wished for a better face. Then the flow of topics across different conversations (considering I'm the median) came to me, not having it easy like many others who are better endowed financially. Then again, I'm not exactly the best businessman material to begin with, and my hardworking antics and ethics aren't exactly in their best forms too...
I'm actually getting quite sleepy from this. LOL
Sorry folks... I gotta edit this one again soon... shutting eyes...
Now, I can't get into sleep and have nothing much to do in this witching hour. Totally bored, totally lonely.
I tried getting people out for suppers and drinks, but as of last week, I found myself completely out of people to call. Either work the next day, plans the following morning, school, trips, meetings, I can't seem to find anyone to just go chill. And as the numbers dwindled, I found out a truth... I actually have very few friends.
Maybe I'm naive. But I've been trying hard to make new friends, perhaps those who have a perchance for nights, and instead started staring down at younger and younger people. For friends who continue to beep on my IM at this hour, they would love the supper, minus the distance of a few thousand kilometers.
So it is, for the last 3 weeks, I finally ran out of people to whine to. And emptied my phonebooks with no one to complain to, talk to, even just share an emo moment. Damn, I think I'm seriously wasting my life.
And if that is true, I'd rather get high and happy while I'm at it, instead of staring down the net and the world wide web, feeling that sore of a loser.
I should really get my hair done right. For as long as I can remember, a new hairstyle perks me up for at least a day, each time I walk out with what the salon has done, and actually getting kind, endearing, and sometimes envious stares. If there is one thing I hate to do, that is to style my hair, myself. So imagine the yearning for admiration on days like these.
Oh, strangely, the topic of looks came up in some conversations over the last couple days, and it seems there are more people who are oblivious to the fact that not-so-good-looking people like myself, actually wished for a better face. Then the flow of topics across different conversations (considering I'm the median) came to me, not having it easy like many others who are better endowed financially. Then again, I'm not exactly the best businessman material to begin with, and my hardworking antics and ethics aren't exactly in their best forms too...
I'm actually getting quite sleepy from this. LOL
Sorry folks... I gotta edit this one again soon... shutting eyes...
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
CONTEST
I thought I should really blog about this... probably one of the most expensive lessons that I've ever had: I took part in an sms contest, where every answer earns you points. Spent about 600 bucks, and earned about 1,000,000 points, that's one million over points. Climbed to the top 3% of contestants.
Guess what?
Someone scored 11,000,000 points and still didn't win. Thus far, the highest score I know: 79,000,000 points. Translate that to cash, that's about two thousand bucks worth at least.
Moral of the story: work hard, stop dreaming.
Guess what?
Someone scored 11,000,000 points and still didn't win. Thus far, the highest score I know: 79,000,000 points. Translate that to cash, that's about two thousand bucks worth at least.
Moral of the story: work hard, stop dreaming.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
iMPOSSiBLE TO REACH
close your eyes, try to sleep
let your heart a place to be
the days that hurt you, reminisce
try to find a reason to believe
all the fears were left to breathe
all is impossible to reach
all these time, it's still a pleasure to hear your voice
taking every step you've been
and all these times, tears me apart from a single piece
leaves me hanging, breaks the scene
the sun sinks beneath the ridge
a lone figure stands in between
a shadow soon oblique
let your heart a place to be
the days that hurt you, reminisce
try to find a reason to believe
all the fears were left to breathe
all is impossible to reach
all these time, it's still a pleasure to hear your voice
taking every step you've been
and all these times, tears me apart from a single piece
leaves me hanging, breaks the scene
the sun sinks beneath the ridge
a lone figure stands in between
a shadow soon oblique
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Sunday, September 13, 2009
FORMS
I was getting quite some sparks of insanity today, wanting to do some things I actually have been putting off for some time. One of them to get another new band going. I like playing in bands, especially with those who don't just whine about taking time to practice or just chilling out, or even complaining about paying for jams.
Not like it costs an arm or a leg.
So, I kinda started hunting around for a band to join, or people to create one! Excites!
Supposed to act in a film later. Wonder how my skills would be from behind the camera to the front again. Would be exciting normally, but I'm just kinda feeling a little too unbothered about it at the moment.
Perhaps I'm truly beginning to enjoy my life.
Not like it costs an arm or a leg.
So, I kinda started hunting around for a band to join, or people to create one! Excites!
Supposed to act in a film later. Wonder how my skills would be from behind the camera to the front again. Would be exciting normally, but I'm just kinda feeling a little too unbothered about it at the moment.
Perhaps I'm truly beginning to enjoy my life.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
09.09.09
Honestly, I didn't know it's the 9th of September today! Top it off with 2009, it's a fabulous 09.09.09! Nice~! And to think I kinda wasted it at the beach getting not a lot of sun after all... oh well =) Happy Kid Me!
Sunday, September 06, 2009
CAST A SHADOW
Things a kinda looking up because I had time to reflect. To top it off, I actually had time to simmer myself, and not just explode. That would have been ugly... very ugly.
So yeah. I'm heard at long last. Even for just a little bit.
So yeah. I'm heard at long last. Even for just a little bit.
Friday, September 04, 2009
THE HANGiNG SKiES
I'm beginning to wonder if some people in my life is bringing me total black luck. Maybe it works better in evil places where black might be the order of the day, challenging the purity of white that represents hope.
I digress.
Another day when the day has yet to break when mom said something that isn't too bright - sleeping in an air controlled room after a shower... might just not wake up in the morning after all. I mean, I know she meant well, but heck, no need to put it so bluntly... it makes the day start in a stutter, making me wonder if such words could possibly turn into curses that eventually do come true.
There are mornings when I wouldn't wake on time, and she would burst through the door, screaming nicknames like "bloody ass" or "useless bum", or anything to that effect. I used to just ignore them, but some time back, I hit back, citing that all these might just have become realities. And although I value my independence, I've pretty much stayed with the folks for as long as I can remember, just to keep an eye on them. How I wish someone else can seriously take over without incidents so that I can at least get my own space for a while. But well, judging from the proximity the rest of them are having, looks like I gotta stick around for a pretty long while more. Pity.
So this morning, it made no difference that she blurted words in brief moments that she wouldn't normally take too seriously. Well, to me now, they make sense, and just so easily bruised me.
Don't get me wrong, I ain't gonna bear a grudge because she might have phrased them better akin to great customer service. But hey, no harm being nice to your own kid more outwardly, and perhaps, more outrightly? She's a great mom, no doubts about that.
I got a new webcam today. I have no need for it really, just hate the built in cam on the laptop that has so much trouble getting me in frame. While shopping around for ink cartridges, I thought heck, might as well just buy one since I do video chat with friends sometimes. Took me a good hour just to get it set up due to the conflicting peripherals - 2 cams on a computer can't quite easily be discerned. But well, it's all up and running now... just wondering who to call to try it out.
Oh I so wish today's gonna be an easy, fun day.
I digress.
Another day when the day has yet to break when mom said something that isn't too bright - sleeping in an air controlled room after a shower... might just not wake up in the morning after all. I mean, I know she meant well, but heck, no need to put it so bluntly... it makes the day start in a stutter, making me wonder if such words could possibly turn into curses that eventually do come true.
There are mornings when I wouldn't wake on time, and she would burst through the door, screaming nicknames like "bloody ass" or "useless bum", or anything to that effect. I used to just ignore them, but some time back, I hit back, citing that all these might just have become realities. And although I value my independence, I've pretty much stayed with the folks for as long as I can remember, just to keep an eye on them. How I wish someone else can seriously take over without incidents so that I can at least get my own space for a while. But well, judging from the proximity the rest of them are having, looks like I gotta stick around for a pretty long while more. Pity.
So this morning, it made no difference that she blurted words in brief moments that she wouldn't normally take too seriously. Well, to me now, they make sense, and just so easily bruised me.
Don't get me wrong, I ain't gonna bear a grudge because she might have phrased them better akin to great customer service. But hey, no harm being nice to your own kid more outwardly, and perhaps, more outrightly? She's a great mom, no doubts about that.
I got a new webcam today. I have no need for it really, just hate the built in cam on the laptop that has so much trouble getting me in frame. While shopping around for ink cartridges, I thought heck, might as well just buy one since I do video chat with friends sometimes. Took me a good hour just to get it set up due to the conflicting peripherals - 2 cams on a computer can't quite easily be discerned. But well, it's all up and running now... just wondering who to call to try it out.
Oh I so wish today's gonna be an easy, fun day.
Thursday, September 03, 2009
掉了
心疼的玫瑰 半夜还开着 找不到匆匆掉落的花蕊
回到现场却已来不及 等待任何回音都不可得
微弱的风筝 冬天裡飘着 回不去手中缠线的那个
没有蓝天 又何必去飞 怎麽适合
黑色笑靥掉了 雪白眼泪掉了 该出现的所有表情瞬间掉了
瞳孔没有颜色 结了冰的长河 回忆是最可怕的敌人
故事情节掉了 主角对白掉了 该属于剧中的对脚戏也掉了
胸口没有快乐 断了翅的白鸽 不枯萎的藉口全掉了
曾经唱过的歌 分享过的笑声 在心中不断拉扯
想念不能承认 偷偷擦去泪痕 冬天过了还是会很冷
回到现场却已来不及 等待任何回音都不可得
微弱的风筝 冬天裡飘着 回不去手中缠线的那个
没有蓝天 又何必去飞 怎麽适合
黑色笑靥掉了 雪白眼泪掉了 该出现的所有表情瞬间掉了
瞳孔没有颜色 结了冰的长河 回忆是最可怕的敌人
故事情节掉了 主角对白掉了 该属于剧中的对脚戏也掉了
胸口没有快乐 断了翅的白鸽 不枯萎的藉口全掉了
曾经唱过的歌 分享过的笑声 在心中不断拉扯
想念不能承认 偷偷擦去泪痕 冬天过了还是会很冷
Wednesday, September 02, 2009
NOWHERE
Strangely, I ran out of places to go. Then I came home, and ran out of places to surf. Then I decided to do something else, and I ran out of things to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to think. I don't feel like doing anything. I don't want to know what time it is. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know how to idle.
It's very frustrating. I'm just plain waiting for something to happen.
I noticed a change lately. With myself. It's like I don't feel sorrow as much, and I don't feel as compassionate. Something's seriously amiss here. And all I can think of is to blog a blog just to find something to do. So sad.
It's very frustrating. I'm just plain waiting for something to happen.
I noticed a change lately. With myself. It's like I don't feel sorrow as much, and I don't feel as compassionate. Something's seriously amiss here. And all I can think of is to blog a blog just to find something to do. So sad.
VOiCE
Its been a good few cool nights. But anymore might drive me up the wall with leaky walls in the office...
I was quite inspired to type in something here... got tired... so yeah.
七月初一雨，落得万人愁
I was quite inspired to type in something here... got tired... so yeah.
七月初一雨，落得万人愁
Tuesday, September 01, 2009
HEART OF GOLD
Oh, heard an interesting story today over lunch. Mom was up in Malaysia visiting her friends, and they got a little cheeky, dropped in on a fortune-teller asking for some lottery advise. The day she left, I kind of asked how I could make my clients pay up. Of course, being her, she suggested praying for some luck.
So while they were at it, she asked the fortune-teller about me. After identify me through my birth date, he spurted, "Oh! This guy! The one with a heart of a Buddha... just waver him a little and he will soften!"
Mom is apparently still quite amused by that, heartened at the same time.
So here I am, kicking myself. Dummy.
So while they were at it, she asked the fortune-teller about me. After identify me through my birth date, he spurted, "Oh! This guy! The one with a heart of a Buddha... just waver him a little and he will soften!"
Mom is apparently still quite amused by that, heartened at the same time.
So here I am, kicking myself. Dummy.
MOMENTS
Not exactly like it matters, but I wanted to blog last night and somewhere lost track of it! There was something I wanted to say, but let's see... as usual, slipped my mind.
Anyway, spent some time helping a young boy get his recording done today. Strangely, I didn't have much of an inkling to assist, but somehow got through the motions. I kinda lost my sincerity in some ways, though I really can't put a finger on what it is. But well, went through it, didn't leave too much an impression, nor did it make none.
Just me for now. A shadow of my former self. Let's see if I can crawl out of it this time.
Anyway, spent some time helping a young boy get his recording done today. Strangely, I didn't have much of an inkling to assist, but somehow got through the motions. I kinda lost my sincerity in some ways, though I really can't put a finger on what it is. But well, went through it, didn't leave too much an impression, nor did it make none.
Just me for now. A shadow of my former self. Let's see if I can crawl out of it this time.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
SiMPLE AFFAiR
It was just that. There were no special words or elaborate set ups, it was just plain simple. It was like a closure of sorts, something that just gets a reminder that there are no certainty, and the uncertainty is repeating itself like dancing globules in a tube.
I'm just surprised there wasn't even a goodbye.
I'm just surprised there wasn't even a goodbye.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
RAiN RAiN RAiN
Its nice that the sky held out to pour at this hour. And its nice to snuggle in bed missing someone with a hot bowl of soup in my hands. And its definitely way cool to be feeling floaty after the soup sitting here typing.
But, the bed looks cosier. Heh.
But, the bed looks cosier. Heh.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
RETURN
So now found out what returning home means. Or maybe I'm speculating. Its about going back to the place we were all born, and other things probably don't quite matter. Questions is, why wasn't I informed?
Perhaps some transitions are easier to bare than others, but to be quietly waiting and not knowing can cut really deep. How silly am I to think that there are others who may share the same dreams and goals, or might just want to give it a shot? Naive? Yeah. Now I feel really dumb.
Much like how the gang broke into its own demise, simply because people don't try. I ever questioned if I was asking for too much, but factually, am I so hard to unconvince? I don't think so, and I certainly don't think I would need to be prompted for being a lesser person, and let alone being selfish. I don't think I am selfish, self-centered or even ignorant.
I was just too devoted to others' well-being, that I forgot, with renewed energies each time I know I can help, that people may just be tired.
Or maybe I'm tried of being tired.
Yeah, I guess being completely unaware that I may be tired and then tiring out, and eventually tiring of tire might not be so bad a thing after all.
Oh passion... if there is a word that describes my disappointment, that be incantly.
Perhaps some transitions are easier to bare than others, but to be quietly waiting and not knowing can cut really deep. How silly am I to think that there are others who may share the same dreams and goals, or might just want to give it a shot? Naive? Yeah. Now I feel really dumb.
Much like how the gang broke into its own demise, simply because people don't try. I ever questioned if I was asking for too much, but factually, am I so hard to unconvince? I don't think so, and I certainly don't think I would need to be prompted for being a lesser person, and let alone being selfish. I don't think I am selfish, self-centered or even ignorant.
I was just too devoted to others' well-being, that I forgot, with renewed energies each time I know I can help, that people may just be tired.
Or maybe I'm tried of being tired.
Yeah, I guess being completely unaware that I may be tired and then tiring out, and eventually tiring of tire might not be so bad a thing after all.
Oh passion... if there is a word that describes my disappointment, that be incantly.
FEAR
Seems like I've taken a liking to blogging here lately. Probably to divert all the negativity online to a spot on the whole, rather than spreading it across all over the place.
I just got home, gonna hit the showers. Will see what other ideas I have in stored.
I've strangely developed a liking for nonsense. The more nonsensical, the better. And they I'll just run off. Seems like fun.
It was pouring when I left town earlier on, and was almost caught out when the expressway got closed. Thankful for all the past car rides that I began recognising more roads than I would have. Routing around was a breeze, and zooming out the storm clouds just in time. Well, not for long. They've reached the house...
Oh, I wanted to blog about what's happening here.
I would normally not speak, let alone blog, about my very most taboo dates, but we're in the Lunar Seventh Month, the Ghost Festival as its called, where the belief that during this month, the gates of Hell opens, allowing the tormented souls, or ghosts, to roam the earth freely. People would offer incense, joss paper, and other assortment of items and foods to enrich and feed them.
I've hardly spoken much about it, but as I grew older, I found myself even more fascinated by my scares than the taboo in itself. The teenage years were heavily warned about going out at night in the Seventh Month, probably to scare us into staying in. So for that duration, house chores were especially done...
Anyway, this be the month that small communities unite and pitch up road shows, Getai, to entertain those lost ones who had nowhere to go. These shows could be massive multi-tiered shows of song, dance and comic, or small shows with skits, decked out in bright lights and auctions. One heartening thing I've always noticed, was how these communities put together money, not just to put up the shows, but to buy basic groceries for distribution to the less endowed. But as I've also observed, such practises are more formalities than sincere these days.
Nonetheless, the practise goes on, with or without the knowledge of its original intent.
I would love to post some pictures on some of these I've mentioned, but perhaps some parts of me still believe in the taboo tales of capturing the wondering ones on camera.
Anyhow, Jean got back for a few days, and her reasoning was one of the most piercing I've ever received: for the same duration, even if she wines and dines with her friends in Australia for about the same price as the air ticket, she might as well be back here, and do the same with us, her old friends she left behind.
She did say she left us behind. Fact is, I think I was more happy for her than wanting her to stay. Everyone has something to look forward to, and she has. And to me, that's the best thing in life.
As with my last few entries, I'm currently caught in between, everything. The more I tried to hide, the more I sort of weeded myself out. Yet, the more I tried to exercise control, the more lost things become. The dilemma isn't frustrating, my lack of focus is. Point is, I don't really know what I'm up to anymore.
All I can think about is running off to a quiet corner, for a long time, with..
But well, if its any surprise, someone is actually able to completely disregard the environment, the surroundings, just to stick the nose in books during the exams. I am thoroughly impressed. =D
Never met anyone so dedicated to work in such a way. Neither have I been so ousted by material and academic pursuits. While my youth continues to fade away and elude me, I found myself struggling to make up for lost time. And in this instance, it would have been great to give moral support, feed the best foods, just to help make things better.
Alas, I think I am totally wishfully thinking.
I just got home, gonna hit the showers. Will see what other ideas I have in stored.
I've strangely developed a liking for nonsense. The more nonsensical, the better. And they I'll just run off. Seems like fun.
It was pouring when I left town earlier on, and was almost caught out when the expressway got closed. Thankful for all the past car rides that I began recognising more roads than I would have. Routing around was a breeze, and zooming out the storm clouds just in time. Well, not for long. They've reached the house...
Oh, I wanted to blog about what's happening here.
I would normally not speak, let alone blog, about my very most taboo dates, but we're in the Lunar Seventh Month, the Ghost Festival as its called, where the belief that during this month, the gates of Hell opens, allowing the tormented souls, or ghosts, to roam the earth freely. People would offer incense, joss paper, and other assortment of items and foods to enrich and feed them.
I've hardly spoken much about it, but as I grew older, I found myself even more fascinated by my scares than the taboo in itself. The teenage years were heavily warned about going out at night in the Seventh Month, probably to scare us into staying in. So for that duration, house chores were especially done...
Anyway, this be the month that small communities unite and pitch up road shows, Getai, to entertain those lost ones who had nowhere to go. These shows could be massive multi-tiered shows of song, dance and comic, or small shows with skits, decked out in bright lights and auctions. One heartening thing I've always noticed, was how these communities put together money, not just to put up the shows, but to buy basic groceries for distribution to the less endowed. But as I've also observed, such practises are more formalities than sincere these days.
Nonetheless, the practise goes on, with or without the knowledge of its original intent.
I would love to post some pictures on some of these I've mentioned, but perhaps some parts of me still believe in the taboo tales of capturing the wondering ones on camera.
Anyhow, Jean got back for a few days, and her reasoning was one of the most piercing I've ever received: for the same duration, even if she wines and dines with her friends in Australia for about the same price as the air ticket, she might as well be back here, and do the same with us, her old friends she left behind.
She did say she left us behind. Fact is, I think I was more happy for her than wanting her to stay. Everyone has something to look forward to, and she has. And to me, that's the best thing in life.
As with my last few entries, I'm currently caught in between, everything. The more I tried to hide, the more I sort of weeded myself out. Yet, the more I tried to exercise control, the more lost things become. The dilemma isn't frustrating, my lack of focus is. Point is, I don't really know what I'm up to anymore.
All I can think about is running off to a quiet corner, for a long time, with..
But well, if its any surprise, someone is actually able to completely disregard the environment, the surroundings, just to stick the nose in books during the exams. I am thoroughly impressed. =D
Never met anyone so dedicated to work in such a way. Neither have I been so ousted by material and academic pursuits. While my youth continues to fade away and elude me, I found myself struggling to make up for lost time. And in this instance, it would have been great to give moral support, feed the best foods, just to help make things better.
Alas, I think I am totally wishfully thinking.
Monday, August 24, 2009
iN ALL FAiRNESS
What is fair? That while the world spins, I sit here begging for empathy to no avail? Or that I get to do nothing, while someone else has their hands full?
My body now feels like a hundred tons, sluggish and inactive, and my mind is nothing but sleepy, struggling even to form correct sentences here. Which would be the lesser evil? That I let myself rot and be human, or be sidelined, inhumanely?
The closer I edge towards my getaway, the more depressing I become. What the hell should I do.
My body now feels like a hundred tons, sluggish and inactive, and my mind is nothing but sleepy, struggling even to form correct sentences here. Which would be the lesser evil? That I let myself rot and be human, or be sidelined, inhumanely?
The closer I edge towards my getaway, the more depressing I become. What the hell should I do.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
FLOATiNG iN FiNiTY
I gotta admit I'm thinking too much about that. Wishful thinking on my part that people would reciprocate my good intents with a least some appreciation. Alas, I was utterly dismissed like smoke in the air, and left lying on the floor as an empty canter.
If my disappointment had a name, it would be called "dire".
No time to blog cos of some stupid projects which I'm paid peanuts, or probably not even paid for. Fuck.
If my disappointment had a name, it would be called "dire".
No time to blog cos of some stupid projects which I'm paid peanuts, or probably not even paid for. Fuck.
Friday, August 21, 2009
HOLES
I was expecting the entire night for something to happen. Nothing happened. And I just sat stoned back in front of the computer in my room. Could have been good, could have been worse, but all I know is that I'm staring blank, till I decided to just blog.
Couldn't pick any music for the mood cos I can't even identify what this feeling is. Probably a first time for everything.
Met this young aspiring actor/singer trying to make a break today. He was late for his appointment, and was quite defensive on the way in. Confidence in each step, every word, and bodily action. Until I hit back.
I didn't mean to, but I was under the weather (even now) and desperately trying to get home, and I wasn't going to let any attitudes or bitchiness get me. So I barked back, and I think I kinda dented his front. LOL. Just a little k?
Anyway, when we were done with whatever we needed to get done, it started to pour. Got stuck at the studio for a good 2 hours before packing up and heading out into the wet roads. The rain had stopped, but prayers for the Hungry Ghosts were still going on.
It's a strange vibe tonight. What I had wished for all seemed too wildly ridiculous. Yeah, out with a bang!
Was really hoping to hear from Ron, but doubt he's gonna be awake. A holiday is what I would need myself. Talk about deja vu. Thing is, amidst all these craziness, I seem to dwell within myself and bang my head harder against loneliness. Writing more songs will help, simply because it takes away the pain most of the time. And make me realise more of what I already have, than to find a greater denominator.
Alas, I'm very close to calling it quits - everything. Perhaps the band thing exerted a rougher impact than I would imagine, or anticipated, yet, nothing like this has ever happened before. Risa asked me something that prompted me to say that I've dedicated myself in the last 10 years to the team and band. Now, I'm simply clueless about what comes next. And yet, clueless is an understatement.
Like they say, whatever comes, comes. I'm so tired. Yet only a select few could make me feel like I'm special, rather than a wimp who cannot stand firm on his feet, still largely in hiding, and totally afraid to open up.
In truth, I can't stand myself at this point. I don't know what has come over me, but I just can't stand it anymore. Like a movie, the plot is lost, the acting pales, and the closing credits simply too short.
It's a really uphill task to try find myself again.
Couldn't pick any music for the mood cos I can't even identify what this feeling is. Probably a first time for everything.
Met this young aspiring actor/singer trying to make a break today. He was late for his appointment, and was quite defensive on the way in. Confidence in each step, every word, and bodily action. Until I hit back.
I didn't mean to, but I was under the weather (even now) and desperately trying to get home, and I wasn't going to let any attitudes or bitchiness get me. So I barked back, and I think I kinda dented his front. LOL. Just a little k?
Anyway, when we were done with whatever we needed to get done, it started to pour. Got stuck at the studio for a good 2 hours before packing up and heading out into the wet roads. The rain had stopped, but prayers for the Hungry Ghosts were still going on.
It's a strange vibe tonight. What I had wished for all seemed too wildly ridiculous. Yeah, out with a bang!
Was really hoping to hear from Ron, but doubt he's gonna be awake. A holiday is what I would need myself. Talk about deja vu. Thing is, amidst all these craziness, I seem to dwell within myself and bang my head harder against loneliness. Writing more songs will help, simply because it takes away the pain most of the time. And make me realise more of what I already have, than to find a greater denominator.
Alas, I'm very close to calling it quits - everything. Perhaps the band thing exerted a rougher impact than I would imagine, or anticipated, yet, nothing like this has ever happened before. Risa asked me something that prompted me to say that I've dedicated myself in the last 10 years to the team and band. Now, I'm simply clueless about what comes next. And yet, clueless is an understatement.
Like they say, whatever comes, comes. I'm so tired. Yet only a select few could make me feel like I'm special, rather than a wimp who cannot stand firm on his feet, still largely in hiding, and totally afraid to open up.
In truth, I can't stand myself at this point. I don't know what has come over me, but I just can't stand it anymore. Like a movie, the plot is lost, the acting pales, and the closing credits simply too short.
It's a really uphill task to try find myself again.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
i DREAMT A DREAM i KEPT ALiVE
I grew up a city life, where many things were readily available - from flipping a simple switch to turn on the lights, to twisting the tap that flows with that very fountain of life.
Sometimes I wonder if its too perfect.
I used to spend some holidays at grandmas, doing absolutely nothing, playing with dirt seemingly helping my aunt with the gardening, but otherwise, I don't recall being any more useful than being a nuisance and a sweetheart that puts a smile on grandma's face.
In truth, she never did raise her voice at me, neither lifting any fingers to hurt me. We hardly spoke, but each time I see her, she would smile, touch my head, and goad me out the kitchen. I had many fond memories about the old house she used to stay in: but one that I would vividly recall and put in my head whenever I need to escape - standing in the backyard, looking out into that vast fields of lalang that stretched for a really far distance. It was a sea of green with fluffy white top that met the horizon somewhere, or as far as my naked eyes could see.
Yes, I've blogged many times about that coffee aroma that punctuates the sweet air in the mornings. I hated sleeping at night cos I know as each time the sun rises, my holidays shortened. I don't watch a lot of TV whenever I'm there, and mom usually don't stop me from staying with her. Granted, although being in a different country,it did seem a little odd that mom's assured of my safety. Perhaps it's just grandma, who would protect me as she had with my mom and all her other eleven children.
The house had a broad balcony that surrounded the entire house, and my aunt was strict about the kids being there unsupervised. But whenever I had the chance to, I'd run ahead with the keys up to the door that opened the way into the balcony, twist the keys in that rusty old lock, and run out, looking right into the skies like always.
Those were the days that gave me what I wanted most now: freedom. Neither grandma would stop me from running around the house compounds, nor would my aunt stop me from catching flies that flocked to the food in the kitchen.
Back home, mom and dad had expectations, but the more rebellious and artistic senses overtook my better judgments - I wanted to create things, I don't want any conventions. They never did understand, but hardly tried to put a sock in it too.
I used to skateboard with friends around the neighborhood, climb the big structures at the playground, and play detective snooping into the vast compounds of my town. Those days, I made friends with the neighborhood kids, and hung out as much as the day would be. Sun down, and you can hear mom's screaming out my friends' names from the kitchen windows. That would be the end of play time, and dinner would be served.
Drawing was a hobby then. I remember lugging a sketch book similar to the one my brother used for his engineering drawings, and head out to wide spaces and just drew, whatever came to mind. I once did a pencil shading of a sand dune, with a lone crow perched to a side. My art teacher gave me an A, while the rest of my friends scratched their heads over it.
While my aunt stayed with my grandma, she left an old acoustic guitar at our place. My brother used to buy loads of tab books to learn the latest hit songs on radio, and when he was finally packed off to the Army, I took the guitar, and started learning basic chords. Never did I go beyond those chords, but they were enough to piece some songs together, and I tried to write some myself.
I recall hearing Padres on the radio when I was a teenager, and even watched them play a million times live, whenever they did. I was so inspired by their sense of rhythm, their styles, their everything. I was enamored with everything they did, so much so I wanted to play in a band too, and perhaps, catch up with them one day and play on the same stage, finally getting an autograph or two. Then, that would be it, the happiest day of my life.
And how life and goals changed.
School was a time when we learned about emotions. I used to feel embarassed, and shy, for I had no built, no height, and no looks. I was a late bloomer, shooting a hefty 1 meter in the last 5 years of my teens. But when I was in primary school, I was but the kid next door. No one looks at me, talks to me, or plays with me, except the kids in my neighborhood who, were just like me.
So when I finished my PSLE at the top of the charts, the kids were shocked at my achievements. They never thought that quiet boy could be that smart or hardworking. I was never a studious kid, honestly, and all I wanted was to dry, collect seeds from the Saga trees, or just writing my name in the sand pits for the long jumpers.
When my turn came to enlist, I was thrown in without a single friend that I knew from school. I was totally all on my own for the first time in my life, surrounded by a bunch of guys just like me. It was grueling, but we made do with whatever we could. And after a while, I found myself losing friends I made when I first joined, and eventually ended up in a place where everyone could go home, except me. So finally, I brought that guitar with me, trying to write songs that never did materialize. And that, was my only friend for a long time.
This guitar was finally stolen after I lent it to a friend who wanted to play in the same band. The guitar was a masterpiece, breaking at the neck once, and was glued back like a secondhand piece. It did work for as long as I could remember, and until it was gone, it was my voice of sorts.
Founding Nightsound was a kind of a dream to me, to finally realise what it was that strikes my chord, that embraces my visions. Never had I tried so hard to keep something going, something which tagged in close to my own heart, as well as others.
There were so many changes and so many songs that had been written, and each time I hear them back, I remember that old guitar, and the blue skies, and the lalang fields, and the coffee aroma, and grandma, and so many other things that just wouldn't go away. I don't wish them to go away, but sometimes, some things need to disappear to know its true value.
Perhaps my wishful thinking has gotten the better of me. For what I would think is an effort anyone could make, it was a milestone for people who thought much deeper into it. I appreciate that, and that's why, I dreamt a dream that I kept alive for so long, hoping that it could be as genuine as everything else in my life, just like how grandma would smile, and I know I can go out and play, without saying a single word.
I've lived a wondrous life that I still rejoice, hoping that it can go on. And with the decision to stop a dream, I seem to forget there were many others; but this is like no other. Grandma would smile, and it would be time for dinner when the sun sets. That I knew. Like I always knew.
And this sun, sets.
Sometimes I wonder if its too perfect.
I used to spend some holidays at grandmas, doing absolutely nothing, playing with dirt seemingly helping my aunt with the gardening, but otherwise, I don't recall being any more useful than being a nuisance and a sweetheart that puts a smile on grandma's face.
In truth, she never did raise her voice at me, neither lifting any fingers to hurt me. We hardly spoke, but each time I see her, she would smile, touch my head, and goad me out the kitchen. I had many fond memories about the old house she used to stay in: but one that I would vividly recall and put in my head whenever I need to escape - standing in the backyard, looking out into that vast fields of lalang that stretched for a really far distance. It was a sea of green with fluffy white top that met the horizon somewhere, or as far as my naked eyes could see.
Yes, I've blogged many times about that coffee aroma that punctuates the sweet air in the mornings. I hated sleeping at night cos I know as each time the sun rises, my holidays shortened. I don't watch a lot of TV whenever I'm there, and mom usually don't stop me from staying with her. Granted, although being in a different country,it did seem a little odd that mom's assured of my safety. Perhaps it's just grandma, who would protect me as she had with my mom and all her other eleven children.
The house had a broad balcony that surrounded the entire house, and my aunt was strict about the kids being there unsupervised. But whenever I had the chance to, I'd run ahead with the keys up to the door that opened the way into the balcony, twist the keys in that rusty old lock, and run out, looking right into the skies like always.
Those were the days that gave me what I wanted most now: freedom. Neither grandma would stop me from running around the house compounds, nor would my aunt stop me from catching flies that flocked to the food in the kitchen.
Back home, mom and dad had expectations, but the more rebellious and artistic senses overtook my better judgments - I wanted to create things, I don't want any conventions. They never did understand, but hardly tried to put a sock in it too.
I used to skateboard with friends around the neighborhood, climb the big structures at the playground, and play detective snooping into the vast compounds of my town. Those days, I made friends with the neighborhood kids, and hung out as much as the day would be. Sun down, and you can hear mom's screaming out my friends' names from the kitchen windows. That would be the end of play time, and dinner would be served.
Drawing was a hobby then. I remember lugging a sketch book similar to the one my brother used for his engineering drawings, and head out to wide spaces and just drew, whatever came to mind. I once did a pencil shading of a sand dune, with a lone crow perched to a side. My art teacher gave me an A, while the rest of my friends scratched their heads over it.
While my aunt stayed with my grandma, she left an old acoustic guitar at our place. My brother used to buy loads of tab books to learn the latest hit songs on radio, and when he was finally packed off to the Army, I took the guitar, and started learning basic chords. Never did I go beyond those chords, but they were enough to piece some songs together, and I tried to write some myself.
I recall hearing Padres on the radio when I was a teenager, and even watched them play a million times live, whenever they did. I was so inspired by their sense of rhythm, their styles, their everything. I was enamored with everything they did, so much so I wanted to play in a band too, and perhaps, catch up with them one day and play on the same stage, finally getting an autograph or two. Then, that would be it, the happiest day of my life.
And how life and goals changed.
School was a time when we learned about emotions. I used to feel embarassed, and shy, for I had no built, no height, and no looks. I was a late bloomer, shooting a hefty 1 meter in the last 5 years of my teens. But when I was in primary school, I was but the kid next door. No one looks at me, talks to me, or plays with me, except the kids in my neighborhood who, were just like me.
So when I finished my PSLE at the top of the charts, the kids were shocked at my achievements. They never thought that quiet boy could be that smart or hardworking. I was never a studious kid, honestly, and all I wanted was to dry, collect seeds from the Saga trees, or just writing my name in the sand pits for the long jumpers.
When my turn came to enlist, I was thrown in without a single friend that I knew from school. I was totally all on my own for the first time in my life, surrounded by a bunch of guys just like me. It was grueling, but we made do with whatever we could. And after a while, I found myself losing friends I made when I first joined, and eventually ended up in a place where everyone could go home, except me. So finally, I brought that guitar with me, trying to write songs that never did materialize. And that, was my only friend for a long time.
This guitar was finally stolen after I lent it to a friend who wanted to play in the same band. The guitar was a masterpiece, breaking at the neck once, and was glued back like a secondhand piece. It did work for as long as I could remember, and until it was gone, it was my voice of sorts.
Founding Nightsound was a kind of a dream to me, to finally realise what it was that strikes my chord, that embraces my visions. Never had I tried so hard to keep something going, something which tagged in close to my own heart, as well as others.
There were so many changes and so many songs that had been written, and each time I hear them back, I remember that old guitar, and the blue skies, and the lalang fields, and the coffee aroma, and grandma, and so many other things that just wouldn't go away. I don't wish them to go away, but sometimes, some things need to disappear to know its true value.
Perhaps my wishful thinking has gotten the better of me. For what I would think is an effort anyone could make, it was a milestone for people who thought much deeper into it. I appreciate that, and that's why, I dreamt a dream that I kept alive for so long, hoping that it could be as genuine as everything else in my life, just like how grandma would smile, and I know I can go out and play, without saying a single word.
I've lived a wondrous life that I still rejoice, hoping that it can go on. And with the decision to stop a dream, I seem to forget there were many others; but this is like no other. Grandma would smile, and it would be time for dinner when the sun sets. That I knew. Like I always knew.
And this sun, sets.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
MiSSiNG AGAiN
Other than spending most of my time in Restaurant City, I hardly do anything else these days. Work's slowed to a mere trickle, and life's but a bitch. I wish something new comes along fast, can't stand being some helplessly waiting for things to happen. Not to mention my bills are piling higher every day.
Monday, April 27, 2009
THE WHiTE TOWER II
I'm a little confused with what I'm doing and what I've been trying to do. Seeing how others make their ideas work got me a little uptight about my own: what gives?
Okay, for once, I shan't describe the emotions at length. Instead, a little straight-forward story telling would be nice for a change yes?
Work got me endlessly out of hours for the last couple weeks, in fact months, and I hardly got a chance to watch tv or listen to the radio. Hearsay was my only source of news about anything new - trends, fashion, design, music - I guess that's laziness on my part to some extent, but having minimal rest really sucked.
So I finally tuned into the radio for the latest pop, Beyonce's Halo, Lady Gaga's Poker Face + Just Dance, Britney's string of hits dominated most of the air-time, plus a myriad of artistes who are struggling to edge out one another. Particularly Halo got my attention (sorry, I know I'm way behind time) for its melody and musical arrangement. I sat there the first time I finally laid hands on it and thought: Amazing. Why can't I do that?
The instrumentation was simple, and the lines were basics. But the creative power had it all together and held it as one really strong piece. Poker Face stared squared at me too, for its ground breaking use of synth and a whole bunch of loops. Again, I went wide-eyed. I thought Umbrella was it, and before that, Hung Up, and even before that, Irreplaceable. The music just grew beyond comprehension, just when I thought nothing new could come out of it, they reinvented it again and again.
I'm not trying to sell pop here, but the whole development got me really interested to see what comes next. Sexy Back broke the ice on loops completely even though it was years after Eminem's initial offerings.
Being a rock fan, I seem to hold a lot of respect for Divas I know. LOL. I got U2's No Line On The Horizon, and frankly, till date, I haven't heard it a second time. On the other hand, I got the little advertised The Cure's 4:13 Dream, and never got past the title track, Underneath the Stars.
All the songs I put on repeats were simply put, simple. You know what they were using, what they were playing, nothing there to hide, no fancy pyrotechnics in the sounds, they just made good music.
And that sank me quite badly cos I can't seem to dig out even a figment of musical imagination to put together a song right now. And in all earnesty, it's hard to swallow when you can't find the can opener to deal with the can of beans you're trying to open for lunch, and the clock just struck 5PM.
What made it worse was, I've been coming up with lyrical lines that don't match any music, nor can agree for consistency amongst themselves. It went from one subject matter to the next, fleeted all about, and never stayed in place.
So I finally gave up after trying for a week. I'm brain dead. Not that I've nothing to write. I don't know how to write them anymore.
Then came Electrico's new music video for Faces. It just blew me away. The visuals were pretty and the music was good definitely, but what got me was the interpretation of the song being put to visuals.
I seem to recall how Tetanus described the band's music as dark and cinematic, plus a couple bloggers betting their money on the visual-capable pieces. And as I look back, I've never really done anything visually sufficient for the music to lay to. Perhaps they needed majestic mountain-scapes or winter-scenes, but it's just hard to produce anything with hands bound by obligations and a dire need for hard cash. Then again, why am I doing this out of my own flesh?!
Point is, I irk at the thought of having been self-helped for the last ten years in pursing my music. Being able to round up very supportive talents had driven me on for so long, and its hard to drop my bags and park. But until Faces, I thought I was going to produce another 'masterpiece' so-called.
Now, I've given that up too. Not that I'm some jealous old-fashioned cheese fool, but I've come to realise, all these are for naught when it's not going commercial at all, and I'm just pouring and probably wasting resources, just for kicks.
Dumb. That's the only word I could think of.
I was excited and sad about the prospect of another show in July this year, and like all other years, self-produced, self-funded. With a lack of direction, new materials, and even internal communications within the band, I think I'm pretty much done here too. That one last catalyst that is moving me on is my final promise to do one last thing (sorry, secret for now). Perhaps the journey through all these events were pre-meditated by my own self-fulfilling prophecies. Josh was right, the only person who can stop me, is me.
Now that things are more settled in at home, I do feel the comforts of coming home to a bed (finally), and actually taking time to rest myself. I have no mirrors in here, cos looking at it makes me think about a lot more things (side-track: a typical chain of thought: zit-shit, gotta get rid of it-can't go out tomorrow-gonna be late for meeting-have to get home fast after meeting-cannot bring camera-no pictures of me please-hope it dun spread-no wonder it hurts there-...). Know what I mean? LOL.
I also don't have any clocks hung in the room. Having a clock is always taboo for me - I'll be early, and someone else will be late. If I'm gonna be late, the appointment will most likely be rescheduled somehow. Plus, I don't really want to watch my own time slip away. Not much left, what's there to count anymore. Disclaimer, I really don't know how much is left, so don't ask me.
Coming back, I love staying in my room for now, until I can find a clearer direction or motivation to do something else, sleep, games, and Youtube dominates.
I also regretted pledging my allegiance to some filmmakers who had a bad roll with me 2 weeks back. Till now, I have no news of what has happened, and not that it bothers me, but my regrets got to have some kind of explanation and update, a reason to be at least, rather than just pure plain emotion. Call it curiosity, but I'm Aquarian. I need my questions answered.
So now, I'm back on top the chart of iLike Challenge on Facebook amongst my peers, listening to all the good music non-stop, playing mindless puzzle and RPG games, lazing in bed, and totally uninterested in being interested in anything anymore. Geez, I actually sound like a teenager.
Oh cyberspace, spit me out of this wormhole. It's really making me sick. And fat.
Maybe I've been pushing people who work with me, way too hard. Somehow the passion got the better of me, and made quite a freak. I realise that too, cos there were hardly a genuine smile in any midst of the work, be it for the business, or plainly for the projects of interest.
I don't blame anyone really, except myself. Perhaps I'm not good enough to be leading the troupe across cities for the big top set up. Rightfully so, no degrees, poor paper qualifications, lousy choice of words, shy, hardly the type appropriate for big hall functions, can't network to save my skin, untrained in music... so what do I really expect myself to amount to?
I'm trying to save up some money for a used car, just to prove to the people who thinks I'm not capable, that I am of some use. Downer, sounds like it, but hey, suppression is not something anyone can just throw away and say I'm actually good. Point is, I've struggled this long for only one thing: survival. I'm hungry man, and working's the only way to feed myself.
It's hard to begin describing the kind of life I live right now. Sure, some people may think I'm doing well, but deep inside, I'm really feeling the emptiness and the whole-hearted disappointment of being looked down upon, or simply, useless.
Gosh, if you guys upstairs can throw me some cash, I would be really grateful. Just wanna stop whoring myself in public, and dream about being a rock star.
Oh, if you still don't know, I did all the shows to help sell the various companies involved, and knowing full well I will never make it big. The irony of being a dreaming fool in the Age of Aquarius.
Well. I guess that's enough lament for the hour. Halo. Love the song. Emotive. I'll dedicate the song to you, who managed to read the last part of this post. =) Enjoy, whoever you are.
Okay, for once, I shan't describe the emotions at length. Instead, a little straight-forward story telling would be nice for a change yes?
Work got me endlessly out of hours for the last couple weeks, in fact months, and I hardly got a chance to watch tv or listen to the radio. Hearsay was my only source of news about anything new - trends, fashion, design, music - I guess that's laziness on my part to some extent, but having minimal rest really sucked.
So I finally tuned into the radio for the latest pop, Beyonce's Halo, Lady Gaga's Poker Face + Just Dance, Britney's string of hits dominated most of the air-time, plus a myriad of artistes who are struggling to edge out one another. Particularly Halo got my attention (sorry, I know I'm way behind time) for its melody and musical arrangement. I sat there the first time I finally laid hands on it and thought: Amazing. Why can't I do that?
The instrumentation was simple, and the lines were basics. But the creative power had it all together and held it as one really strong piece. Poker Face stared squared at me too, for its ground breaking use of synth and a whole bunch of loops. Again, I went wide-eyed. I thought Umbrella was it, and before that, Hung Up, and even before that, Irreplaceable. The music just grew beyond comprehension, just when I thought nothing new could come out of it, they reinvented it again and again.
I'm not trying to sell pop here, but the whole development got me really interested to see what comes next. Sexy Back broke the ice on loops completely even though it was years after Eminem's initial offerings.
Being a rock fan, I seem to hold a lot of respect for Divas I know. LOL. I got U2's No Line On The Horizon, and frankly, till date, I haven't heard it a second time. On the other hand, I got the little advertised The Cure's 4:13 Dream, and never got past the title track, Underneath the Stars.
All the songs I put on repeats were simply put, simple. You know what they were using, what they were playing, nothing there to hide, no fancy pyrotechnics in the sounds, they just made good music.
And that sank me quite badly cos I can't seem to dig out even a figment of musical imagination to put together a song right now. And in all earnesty, it's hard to swallow when you can't find the can opener to deal with the can of beans you're trying to open for lunch, and the clock just struck 5PM.
What made it worse was, I've been coming up with lyrical lines that don't match any music, nor can agree for consistency amongst themselves. It went from one subject matter to the next, fleeted all about, and never stayed in place.
So I finally gave up after trying for a week. I'm brain dead. Not that I've nothing to write. I don't know how to write them anymore.
Then came Electrico's new music video for Faces. It just blew me away. The visuals were pretty and the music was good definitely, but what got me was the interpretation of the song being put to visuals.
I seem to recall how Tetanus described the band's music as dark and cinematic, plus a couple bloggers betting their money on the visual-capable pieces. And as I look back, I've never really done anything visually sufficient for the music to lay to. Perhaps they needed majestic mountain-scapes or winter-scenes, but it's just hard to produce anything with hands bound by obligations and a dire need for hard cash. Then again, why am I doing this out of my own flesh?!
Point is, I irk at the thought of having been self-helped for the last ten years in pursing my music. Being able to round up very supportive talents had driven me on for so long, and its hard to drop my bags and park. But until Faces, I thought I was going to produce another 'masterpiece' so-called.
Now, I've given that up too. Not that I'm some jealous old-fashioned cheese fool, but I've come to realise, all these are for naught when it's not going commercial at all, and I'm just pouring and probably wasting resources, just for kicks.
Dumb. That's the only word I could think of.
I was excited and sad about the prospect of another show in July this year, and like all other years, self-produced, self-funded. With a lack of direction, new materials, and even internal communications within the band, I think I'm pretty much done here too. That one last catalyst that is moving me on is my final promise to do one last thing (sorry, secret for now). Perhaps the journey through all these events were pre-meditated by my own self-fulfilling prophecies. Josh was right, the only person who can stop me, is me.
Now that things are more settled in at home, I do feel the comforts of coming home to a bed (finally), and actually taking time to rest myself. I have no mirrors in here, cos looking at it makes me think about a lot more things (side-track: a typical chain of thought: zit-shit, gotta get rid of it-can't go out tomorrow-gonna be late for meeting-have to get home fast after meeting-cannot bring camera-no pictures of me please-hope it dun spread-no wonder it hurts there-...). Know what I mean? LOL.
I also don't have any clocks hung in the room. Having a clock is always taboo for me - I'll be early, and someone else will be late. If I'm gonna be late, the appointment will most likely be rescheduled somehow. Plus, I don't really want to watch my own time slip away. Not much left, what's there to count anymore. Disclaimer, I really don't know how much is left, so don't ask me.
Coming back, I love staying in my room for now, until I can find a clearer direction or motivation to do something else, sleep, games, and Youtube dominates.
I also regretted pledging my allegiance to some filmmakers who had a bad roll with me 2 weeks back. Till now, I have no news of what has happened, and not that it bothers me, but my regrets got to have some kind of explanation and update, a reason to be at least, rather than just pure plain emotion. Call it curiosity, but I'm Aquarian. I need my questions answered.
So now, I'm back on top the chart of iLike Challenge on Facebook amongst my peers, listening to all the good music non-stop, playing mindless puzzle and RPG games, lazing in bed, and totally uninterested in being interested in anything anymore. Geez, I actually sound like a teenager.
Oh cyberspace, spit me out of this wormhole. It's really making me sick. And fat.
Maybe I've been pushing people who work with me, way too hard. Somehow the passion got the better of me, and made quite a freak. I realise that too, cos there were hardly a genuine smile in any midst of the work, be it for the business, or plainly for the projects of interest.
I don't blame anyone really, except myself. Perhaps I'm not good enough to be leading the troupe across cities for the big top set up. Rightfully so, no degrees, poor paper qualifications, lousy choice of words, shy, hardly the type appropriate for big hall functions, can't network to save my skin, untrained in music... so what do I really expect myself to amount to?
I'm trying to save up some money for a used car, just to prove to the people who thinks I'm not capable, that I am of some use. Downer, sounds like it, but hey, suppression is not something anyone can just throw away and say I'm actually good. Point is, I've struggled this long for only one thing: survival. I'm hungry man, and working's the only way to feed myself.
It's hard to begin describing the kind of life I live right now. Sure, some people may think I'm doing well, but deep inside, I'm really feeling the emptiness and the whole-hearted disappointment of being looked down upon, or simply, useless.
Gosh, if you guys upstairs can throw me some cash, I would be really grateful. Just wanna stop whoring myself in public, and dream about being a rock star.
Oh, if you still don't know, I did all the shows to help sell the various companies involved, and knowing full well I will never make it big. The irony of being a dreaming fool in the Age of Aquarius.
Well. I guess that's enough lament for the hour. Halo. Love the song. Emotive. I'll dedicate the song to you, who managed to read the last part of this post. =) Enjoy, whoever you are.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
FLY
I can't quite comprehend the chain of events for today. One disappointing news after another, and another. I must be doing something wrong, or maybe I'm just not bracing myself right. I could probably be too... 'emo'... like they say, about things. But honestly, I don't understand why it's so difficult to be supportive, honest, even concerned.
It started with a team-mate getting quite tired of trying to find his own niche. Then someone close to me, instead of understanding, told me to wake up. Then a third simply couldn't keep a promise.
Perhaps I tried too hard to prove myself. Tried too hard to achieve successes that never were meant mine. Or perhaps I'm trying to, despite trying a lot, and achieved much, get a better sense of myself, by proving myself that I am worthwhile. Somehow. Maybe the insecurities gave way to all these struggles, attempting repeatedly what is unnecessary and futile in the end. Just to give myself a sense of worth.
I'm afraid to post this on tblog. The outcry (whichever emotive direction it takes), overwhelms me sometimes. Not that I hate the attention, and sometimes I find myself needing it badly, I just don't want to cause any stirs. Especially now that so many issues that pertains mainly to the human heart, is volatile.
As so long I have a steady income that feeds my family's, loved ones' and friends' ego of material driven logic, I think all matters of the heart can lay to rest. Because nobody cares anymore, and nobody gives a damn to how I feel anymore. Sidelined.
I've already heard the common descriptors:
"part and parcel"
"time will come, and has come"
"that's just life"
"what's new?"
All in my face. Oh well. Perhaps, that's just life after all.
Give me a sign. Someone. Point me a direction. Tell me where this is all going. I simply don't understand what is going on anymore.
It started with a team-mate getting quite tired of trying to find his own niche. Then someone close to me, instead of understanding, told me to wake up. Then a third simply couldn't keep a promise.
Perhaps I tried too hard to prove myself. Tried too hard to achieve successes that never were meant mine. Or perhaps I'm trying to, despite trying a lot, and achieved much, get a better sense of myself, by proving myself that I am worthwhile. Somehow. Maybe the insecurities gave way to all these struggles, attempting repeatedly what is unnecessary and futile in the end. Just to give myself a sense of worth.
I'm afraid to post this on tblog. The outcry (whichever emotive direction it takes), overwhelms me sometimes. Not that I hate the attention, and sometimes I find myself needing it badly, I just don't want to cause any stirs. Especially now that so many issues that pertains mainly to the human heart, is volatile.
As so long I have a steady income that feeds my family's, loved ones' and friends' ego of material driven logic, I think all matters of the heart can lay to rest. Because nobody cares anymore, and nobody gives a damn to how I feel anymore. Sidelined.
I've already heard the common descriptors:
"part and parcel"
"time will come, and has come"
"that's just life"
"what's new?"
All in my face. Oh well. Perhaps, that's just life after all.
Give me a sign. Someone. Point me a direction. Tell me where this is all going. I simply don't understand what is going on anymore.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
WHY
Is not longer a question. It's an expression of a thought, an exclamation to an news, a shock at an event. I don't really know quite how to react at this juncture, except to ask a simple 'why'. It's akin to knowing a raging fire with nothing to put it out in sight.
What's worse is its hitting very close to home, second home, the alternate shelter, the lonely existence acknowledged in an instant. I want to reverse the process but find myself helpless beyond... I don't really know what to type anymore.
Either way, my words weigh heavy I know, but do not let them waiver your decisions. I'm happy, as I am sad.
What's worse is its hitting very close to home, second home, the alternate shelter, the lonely existence acknowledged in an instant. I want to reverse the process but find myself helpless beyond... I don't really know what to type anymore.
Either way, my words weigh heavy I know, but do not let them waiver your decisions. I'm happy, as I am sad.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
MiSSiNG A PiECE
I know I know, been missing so many blogs here. I wish I can have more materials, but till my evil mode blows over... nothing's in my head. I'm still with you!
Tuesday, February 03, 2009
Wednesday, January 07, 2009
SURELY
Surely - Acoustic Lemon Mix - Nightsound
Did this song kinda on the spur... half as a promised, half in frustration really. A promise cos somebody said it be nice to hear the acoustic version of it, half in frustration cos the same person kinda threw me off over a really small matter, as in a small matter to me.
I probably shouldn't be so petty about it, but it probably got me a few steps back from being a modern and tech savvy person to becoming one of traditions and values. It's a good thing cos at least now I know some people out there are still as conservative about things, which would really take time to improve.
Okay, was meaning to blog more, but the alarm system upstairs went off. No idea why. Save more for another time then...
Monday, January 05, 2009
BORiNG
Can't believe there are still people so myopic that they are willing to risk their own ratings. What was supposed to be exciting and fun kinda bored me out. I wish there's more spectrum then a tunnel vision.
Whatever. Though I'm still feeling a little sore about it.
Blog more later.
Thursday, January 01, 2009
MERRY 2009
Well, it isn't much but Happy New Year!
I know I've been missing a lot of important posts here, a lot of serious thoughts and gripes, but time and money has been causing too much stress and pressure that doesn't quite allow any luxury of blogging. Perhaps tomorrow might be the breaking point of having to spill it out proper over here.
Anyway, keep it steady. 2009's gonna be really interesting =)
I know I've been missing a lot of important posts here, a lot of serious thoughts and gripes, but time and money has been causing too much stress and pressure that doesn't quite allow any luxury of blogging. Perhaps tomorrow might be the breaking point of having to spill it out proper over here.
Anyway, keep it steady. 2009's gonna be really interesting =)
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