Let's see. I forgot my ear phones, and I'm doing a cafe wine run alone without them. So I can't listen to anything except the mindless banter that surrounds. Talk about bummers.
I just got some bullshit responses again, aside from being called a nuisance previously, now I'm like the illegal immigrant over-staying my welcome. Wait. Aren't illegal immigrants supposed to be unwelcomed in the first place?
And as the story goes, seems like people want people for something. Or at least that was what I was told. When you are done using or be used, there isn't much left. Hence, while your value exists, make it worthwhile, go get your most brilliant assets together and be useful. Boohoo~ make it worthwhile. Boohoo~
I'm getting quite upset with finding walls and dead ends lately, seemingly always an open path till it suddenly drops into this... Um... This... Gap. Like a ravine. No roads run forward but down. Or just simply cuts off. Then what synthesizes becomes bullocks - things go nowhere plans go nowhere you end up nowhere.
I think all these came about particularly cos I haven't gotten over anything. For one, ending a relationship didn't seem as easy as it could have been. What came after was the calm, no storm, cos I was too busy salvaging other burdens - the business and everything else that needed salvaging, one, by one.
And that's the problem they say. I need to grieve. And I must, to get over things. I enjoy the freedom, but I didn't enjoy what people were doing to me. So, with gritted teeth I pressed on, hoping to find something new, a new life, a new everything. But as I threaded along, it suddenly feels better back at home ground, be back in the comfort zone, not to face the uncertainties at an age where the discrimination of age and looks has gotten past my comprehension. And maybe because I was stuck in that comfort zone too long, with enough routines to fill everyday that it makes it seem life was full. Then of course, it became full of bullshit.
I want to move on. And I thought I did, but never really did. What happened was me stuck at the point I was about to take off - the plane's still here.
Sigh... Can I sigh?
I sigh too much. Maybe that's why I ended up on things alone.
I wanted to continue my studies you know, get a degree, make me smarter, a graduate. In the end, my plans were rebutted with a really good call - I can't leave the business behind and run. 4 years total. I was devastated. I really wanted to study, because my family couldn't afford it previously. Not like they can now, but yeah, I still can't afford it. But I want to you know. Learn, and play, and be knowledgeable, be smarter, be informed, be creative, be a lot of things. Share ideas, share passions. Be someone that makes the folks proud, make me proud. Yeah, and that's that. You know, that's that. How sad is that?
That one big grouse - business is as such. You don't just walk away.
I wasn't walking away. I'll be here. I'll run the space and study at the same time. But nobody thinks that's possible. Yet I'm willing to try. Cos trying is in my blood. I want an education, but I'm giving in to others' fears. I'm a whimp. Big time.
So that rounds up 2 things that plushed me out.
I have a third. I've become alcoholic. Not naturally wanting to drink or craving for one. I have nothing to do. I like the feeling of turning nonsense. Not really knowing what I'm doing. That numbing effect helps ease the hurt. And it does so with taste.
I'm just thinking where's a nice place to hide, listen to sad music, cry my heart out, wail and rant and act pathetic. Senseless isn't it? Me, thinking where to let off some steam. I'm so done in by myself.
Seasons come season go, my season of hurt lingers just so
Not a wink nor a blink, I goes but on and on
At times it mutters, while asks at others
Why should I go when the tide is strong
I can make you weak as I have before
Just to see you feeble and torn
So I'll stay till I break you down
Till the sun could shine but you aren't shone
The stars could sparkle yet they pulsates as you moan
That the wind would bring but a gust of forlorn
You shall kneel before the end
And beg the things that went
Like how the creepers climb the walls as you wish for hope that longs
No trains will take you out of town
Just the planes that fly you back around
Back to the day you first unwound
As the season of hurt rebounds
But I will leave when my time is up
The day you decide that hurt is done
Hello my love you have my heart
Hurt is but a lovely art
(Took a hlf hour break for Scrabble)
Ok. After 3 games of scrabble, some wine and a soup, I feel worse.
I used to like wine because I used to have it with friends. Good company in short. I used to pull drinks, go by the bottles and enjoy good conversations. As people started getting married with kids, I started wine with casual acquaintances, friends and clients. Wine became a drink, no longer the placeholder for sharing thoughts and exchanging hearty pleasantries.
I didn't like liquer or hard mixes cos they are just plain annoying. They get you high quickly and makes the taste buds dry and bitter. The only one I've had, as a good liquer, was 42 vodka. Smooth and non-intrusive, but that's really about it.
That leaves me with very little to drink. Carbonated drinks make the teeth bad, and juices don't deliver the kicks. So, I'm always with wine. I'd like to appreciate wine more though. There are many short day-introductions, but I never seem to get to them. Such a shame. Still, it sucks when you take wine and nobody really enjoys it. Did I mention I love Rapsany?
Heading home soon seems like a good idea. But with another half bottle of wine to clear, it's really quite nice to hang around.
Oh, where is my love?
So perhaps Aquarians are inclined to affections and relations. And why not? We do make poor sense of logic and space - we only know the gravity of instances and consequences, and more often than not, war and fights just simply ain't our thing. So what is so not lovely about Aquarians?
Did I ever mention Diamond Eyes? There are very few people with them. These are the special lot, they see things beyond clarity, see opportunities even before they happen - foresight is almost a natural thing - they see ahead, they look past history, and they can look into the very fabric and soul of things, or people, and of events. Problem is, they are also a devious, struggling bunch. They have deep thought plans, they work towards their idealogies, they do things to their advantage, yet, amidst all that, they struggle to stay ethical and honest. How does one balance the social corrects with the queers and dislikes?
I've met, or at least I thought, 2 of them. They know theories, they are intuitive, they are forward-moving, focused and accurate. Yet, both times, I didn't like the ethics they worked based on, regardless of the reasons. In a way, I was conned into believing what they say or portrayed wholeheartedly. Left a really deep impression on why they did so. And I cannot seem to explain, at all.
Reflecting, I learnt about myself more. I learnt that I was no better. The only difference is, I veered towards the ethics. I pledged more for honesty that was measured by social norms, and that was where I faultered. I drowned in others' expectations.
Shall I do without guilt? Hard. Granted, mom taught the traditions too well.
I'm trying to figure out what to do with my bottle of wine here. Honestly, I have nowhere to go. Isn't that sad? I'm done with this passage I think. I'm done. Yeah.
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