I finally made some time to blog. Since August I've been missing plenty of myself. At first I thought I had something good going, finally deciding to help a friend to reach a most noble goal. After my visit in Perth during the end September-early October periods, which also sadly saw the demise of a dear friend's father, I took up the challenge to do something out of my comfort zone and gut feel.
There were plenty of sincerity in the beginning, to work together and achieve something. I was slowly convinced that it could work after processes were started and proof of work done started to trickle in. I was so convinced that it could help me grow, become better, make some side pocket money, and perhaps help my business in some ways.
I started to work really hard, with the notion that things are moving, results are showing, and we were on the right track. For what I was weak in, I tried to understand and improve. I know I'm not smart, but at least my efforts were evident, putting extra hours aside from my regular company runs. It was exhausting, but brilliantly good tired.
The new business brought me to some places I could only dream about going, and met some people I might never have the opportunity to meet on my own. It was exciting and fun. I thought I could be rolling along really well.
Then things started to get, strange. The direction first set was so clear, but it was also clear that the things I was doing were deviating. It was said to be detours, but they started to get in the way from the goals I was so convinced of in the first place.
Not long after, I started getting "chopped", as it was described, as an example to those who were not working hard enough, getting me slowed down. But if I was every bit the victim of the lack of work done by others, why was I punished for it?
Then came the issue of money. I asked for nominal tokens initially because of my lack of experience and relevance in the field of work, but soon the figures became astronomical. But the money was delayed as I was told. So I began forking out the money "temporarily". Soon, they added up from again nominal to astronomical.
I'm not born to a rich family. I grew up in the suburbs. I walked to school, sometimes running. But mom would always get me all the good stuff kids all deserved - good shoes, new uniforms, and whatever she could afford for a measly pocket money.
Dad would buy toys whenever he could, even though he was so deep into gambling. My siblings doted on me, every piece of a good dish I had a share. But I was never rich nor wealthy materially. My finances were never stable, and that instability became a staple stability.
I would work really hard, but for a long time, I had a girlfriend whom was very hard to keep up with with gifts, good meals and entertainment. I would spend what I have on her and with her. Until it came to a point of being ridiculous, I called it quits.
Leaving my ex-business partners already ladened me in debts, and the breakup probably did help me wise up after that. I moved on, with pride and confidence that I shall try again. And I did, saving up for an old used car, buying proper insurance, organized my taxes, and paid attention to my health and even my teeth that were untreated for years. My savings grew a little every month, it wasn't impressive, but I saw improvements.
Having a good contribution to the family was a big wish of mine during this time. And when this offer came up, I hesitated and procrastinated. I didn't want to be greedy because there is money to be made. The opportunity instead would help me grow stronger and wiser, the experience would teach me new things.
But I found myself yesterday torn and floored with my trust abused and finances stretched to every possible limit.
It's the Chinese New Year in 4 days. I'm broke, have nothing for the family, and now faced with possible law suits that might just drop at my door any day. If I'm lucky, they might just not show up. If I'm lucky, maybe I might get a small windfall to patch my credit and pay the bills. Maybe if I'm lucky, I might have some decent sleep finally.
Maybe if I'm lucky, I might just wake up and realise it's all just a bad dream.
As I've posted, I can lose money, but once trust is lost, everything is lost.
I'm in such a terrible shape right now, and I kept trying to console myself and move on. But it's so hard. It's really hard. I don't know if learning lessons this way even work anymore, for I'm running out of money to pay the fees.
The most devastating part is just simply - I no longer can trust myself on plenty things. I was naive to think that an old dog like me can even be better. I was in many ways lied to during these last few months, but by far, opening my eyes to the great and evil for myself.
All I'm asking for is normality.
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