HAPPY BiRTHDAY

TO ME!!!

heh

SURELY

Surely - Acoustic Lemon Mix - Nightsound

Did this song kinda on the spur... half as a promised, half in frustration really. A promise cos somebody said it be nice to hear the acoustic version of it, half in frustration cos the same person kinda threw me off over a really small matter, as in a small matter to me.

I probably shouldn't be so petty about it, but it probably got me a few steps back from being a modern and tech savvy person to becoming one of traditions and values. It's a good thing cos at least now I know some people out there are still as conservative about things, which would really take time to improve.

Okay, was meaning to blog more, but the alarm system upstairs went off. No idea why. Save more for another time then...

BORiNG

Can't believe there are still people so myopic that they are willing to risk their own ratings. What was supposed to be exciting and fun kinda bored me out. I wish there's more spectrum then a tunnel vision.

Whatever. Though I'm still feeling a little sore about it.

Blog more later.

MERRY 2009

Well, it isn't much but Happy New Year!

I know I've been missing a lot of important posts here, a lot of serious thoughts and gripes, but time and money has been causing too much stress and pressure that doesn't quite allow any luxury of blogging. Perhaps tomorrow might be the breaking point of having to spill it out proper over here.

Anyway, keep it steady. 2009's gonna be really interesting =)

SHiNE ON

LOL. Happy! Actually got this done within a couple hours. Enjoy and let me know what you think!

This was actually written in 2002 I think, or at least the original files said so. Ripped it apart and re-assembled the song cos it had a strong magnetic persona about it, or at least for tonight. Oh well, it wouldn't be going into the new album that's for sure.

"it feels kind of cold, when darkness seemed to come too fast, and all I loved had crumbled to dust. there's a tear in my eye, another comes when the first is done, would you please?"

"cos I am not what I thought, and I can't see where I would be, so please just take me away. cos I fear just being here, with words I've heard in my ears, just shine a light to show me the way."

"just show me the way. leave a light on me"

Cheers

SHiNE

Shine - Nightsound

LEAVE A LiGHT FOR

I suddenly found myself blogging loads in the last couple days, probably due to the fatigue dealing with mindless crap. Just found this song on a strayed CD, not too sure where it came from, but will try do something for it and see what I can come up with.

Before that, gonna head to the toilet. BRB.

Back. Let me go find the original files and do something about it. Can't stand it =)

ViLE OF VEX

I've honestly lost the will-power to talk about my current issues. I can't seem to say what I feel anymore about them at the back of my head. Mom has decided to pull her favorite stunt of not talking to me, for whatever reasons she feels right about.

It's really tearing me down.

First, she was against throwing things out as proposed by bro over the renovations. And when bro decided to talk to her, she didn't even look at him, just simply angry. So I stepped in and told her to at least talk it out. That must have been her trigger point. And since Monday, that was it. She refused to talk to me.

For the first time in 30 years, I actually feel like moving out. And maybe I should after all.

MOODLESS

I'm seriously frustrated and stressed out with some family members. That pressure to get things moving in tandem with mounting clients with-holding payment for work done, as well as the show, just gets incredibly big by the day. Maybe I'm putting myself through this unnecessarily, but having to deal with issues I did not create is wearing me out. And fast.

Well, I'm praying hard to get by and stay as positive as I can. Till things look up, even for a day, that be a really huge blessing.

For those affected tremendously by the plummeting stock market, you have little of my sympathy, but I certainly wish you well.

FABRiCATiON

That's that. I'm so close to crying right now that it isn't useful to even think about it anymore. I think... I've been patient enough. I also think, I've been good. Maybe, just maybe, doing all these show things are honestly not worthwhile.

So it seems I'm not really prepared. Truth is, I can't prepare much when the people involved aren't pitching in enough to help me out here.

And I go around barking at people for things, when people seriously aren't really interested. I can so tell... It's hard when you have to take instructions I know. But if there isn't contributions, then somebody's gotta do something. That ass has got to be me.

I'm sick of being an ass. Really. Why should I bear that brunt for so many others, when I can use all that time, effort, and money to go holiday, rejuvenate, and live life? Maybe I was right... people are just simply sluts for their wants. I included.

Well, I can't really blame anyone except myself for starting this.

MY APOLOGiES

I'm so sorry blog... I've really slowed down on the posts here... I promise to pick up the pace yeah!

REALiSE

I'm so sick and tired of working to pay off debts. It's draining me so much to the point I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. Consistently, I burn weekends just to get more jobs, cut more sales, or try to improve something that could possibly be more useful for the money. But..

I so need someone to talk to right now, but no one's available, and I'm dying inside knowing I've done so badly in my social circle because time has been dedicated to undo all that's gone bad previously. I hate it.

But. Surviving this is so critical for my eventual evolution to being free. Break the chains so to speak, yet nowhere close.

And at this rate, the body and mind's not gonna take the amount of punishment I'm throwing them to, which would naturally deteriorate the evolution process to minimal, then nothingness.

Remember, I miss you yeah.

RED HiLL MiNiNG TOWN

My favorite song


It's finally come. The vision that's marred the clarity of the crystal blue sky, with fragments of clouds that spears it in an unstrung ensemble of beauty weaved by the very unintended haul of mother earth.

I thought I could get over this as quickly, but it didn't.

After all the efforts in ensuring the work stays clean, and so will the reputation, I think the work's taken a dip with all assurances. I've not felt this low in a long time, which really means I've gone way out of line in remembering to upkeep myself with my experiences and unfortunately, memories. I almost didn't know what else to think except how much I'm taking a beating from myself because I have failed in ensuring I stayed learned about my ways, and that I will never repeat the same mistakes.

In that the trying to avoid errors could have made me so tense at this moment, unknowingly, but it sure feels bad.

On the drive back home, it feels like the world couldn't stop spinning around me. I had this fainting sensation of an imminent car crash that would erase all that I've done, been to, spoken with, sung to. Yet, all I could barely scrap out of was why in this dire times, is someone still out there partying.

I don't know how else to grieve about my situation. I don't know who to grieve to. And I don't know how long I can take the suspense of the consequences of the current circumstantial moment of truth. It almost makes no sense to be thinking I'm not okay, for the fact that, if mistakes are made, salvage and repair, or let it go. Period.

I really wished this has been easier to bear. But, it has not. I really don't know what else to think, say or do. Sweet dreams I, for nightmares have wounded me every night.

MiSSiNG

That's how long I've not been around this part of cybertown. If only I had more of an inspiration to keep the feet firmly flat on the ground, this place might be more spruced up than its current condition. Besides blabbering about work on the main blog, I've got so much more to be lamenting here. Just not tonight. Perhaps a real round-up really soon.

Cheers cyberspace.

C FLiCKS

Sorry, but I can't help feeling very cheated over how I run my projects. It's like, inspiring as it may be, to be taken advantage of so unguardedly and openly just feels awful.

I know its all about looking forward, but even at a personal level, people think I'm some jerk around toy sometimes.

Sad to say, people who point the fingers at the flaws of others seldom see the flaws in themselves. I'm currently bedridden with what to do next for the company and myself. It's a pity to let it go, but the rent is something I'm just not simply ready to pay out just because it is "the current rate". Tell me long-standing relations matter, yes, for sure, but it certainly doesn't quite feel like it.

Well, fuck it. I'm done thinking and worrying. If things still persist in their current flow, it's about time to pull the stops and just move on.

LATE

Well, work is wearing me thin beyond 2D, and I can't imagine what it would be like to head back down to the beach. If you've noticed, there's plenty going on over at the main blog, which pretty much boils down to having very little time to deal with this one, not to mention the main one.

Doesn't matter though, spirits have been rather high cos there's just simply too many projects to do, and so little time to think about all things unpleasant. Save for that bad brush with an old nemesis, I think its all pretty much that.

Wind down a little would ja!

HAPPY CNY!

HAPPY LUNAR NEW YEAR ALL!

HAPPY CHRiSTMAS & MERRY NEW YEAR!

And I got: the incredible iPod Touch, a designer name design framed, an exquisite Jack Daniel's Zippo, a fabulous pair of Everlast briefs (!), a Thirsty Al Crumpler pouch, and I should have one or 2 more pressies on the way (fingers crossed). My own self-pressie: a colorful Benetton pull-over and 2 cheapo IPZ singlets! Could have been more awesome if only they didn't shut the Astro outlet for new stocks arrival. Oh well. Merry Christmas all!

WHAT iF?

I was told it would take long, and that it would take really long.

I don't know, after so many days, I'm still quite hung up about the show, the run up to it, and the aftermath. It hurts when so many people thought it was awesome: nobody ever said that about me, my music, or my dreams. It feels like some earthquake rendition of a heartache.

I really don't know. Turning back the time wouldn't be the same, moving forward seems tough, and looking back is unthinkable.

tblog is down, and I'm forced to throw stuff that don't belong here again. Perhaps, there will come a time when I can truly lay and rest without thinking and lamenting about me.

AND ACROSS i FEEL

It's funny, I spread myself across 4 different blogs, spelling out numerous responses that just don't quite seem to add up sometimes. One, I rant and scream in, another I drop my professional opinions, yet one more that is totally secret and oblivious to people that no one even knows there is one, and this, this is probably the saddest of them all. It lacks update, it hears my fears, it sees my flaws, and feels my sorrows. Everyone has some degree of retardness and personality disorders, yet no one openly admits it.

I, across 2 Is and a world blog and a anime blog, just somehow point to a deeper chasm of thoughts than just one straight lace on I tblog. Chaining all four could possibly put and piece me together, but on all fours.

It's rainging again and again and again. Please stop. I can't handle the pressure much longer.

STAND ALONE

And none united. How am I supposed to move on now?

SURELY

"If I could be any dream that you want, any dream will do, any dream I'll become."

"If I could be a light in your shadow, to show you the way, a light I'll be one."

"If I could be a stranger in a bus, alone in this world, unknown to everyone. It could have been any other way, but if I really am, will you walk with me, and talk to me, and laugh with me? Surely I am someone, don't take it away from me. Give me my time, I know I'm awake. Be with me, hold on to my hands, surely I am someone, don't take it away from me. Be kind. I know I'm awake. Sure I am someone."

I'll like to tell you what I think. I would like to think that I am not gifted. Neither am I rich with intelligence. But One thing's for sure, I know I'm hurt. This past week has been so messed up to the point it isn't even worth mentioning no more. But today, finally, I see the difference. I'm finally taking a real breather. No backlogs, no offenses, no urgency.

And I started this brand new week with a pork chop down with mushroom sauce. Twenty bucks worth, just to half-crying tell myself everything's gonna be okay.

There was this once, when I was training in Thailand, the bus taking us to the airport made a pitstop. We got off, and it was just this huge giant gas station with a restaurant that overlooked miles of dusty land. And since, I've only written Surely based on that.

I felt like crying. But tears. So dry.

HAPPY ENDiNGS

Didn't happen today. In fact, the presentation was so bad, I nearly chased the clients out. I'm not trying to be mean, but paying low for high quality, that's really stretching it. I can't simply do it without feeling hurt. Fact is, I don't owe them an explanation, I just kept agreeing with their nonsense so that they would just get it over and done with. Just leave.

I'm really discouraged. Not by my work, but by being bullied consistently without making a clear stand for myself for the last 2 years. I just mellowed and quietened so much to the point I don't even know myself anymore.

It's hard to explain. And spanning over 4 blogs, I don't even know which one I should really enter right now. Save for a few hint of democracy amidst my utmost yearning to keep the secrecy of it all, it's getting plain tiring trying to find a hole to hide. And I'm just about out of holes to do that.

Someone up there: I know I've been bad. Take it out on me, yeah, but don't drag all them I love along. It's not right. And benevolence was supposed to be boundless, limitless, and not the opposite of revenge. Please. Give me a breather. If it isn't tough getting the company running and having the show on, it's tougher trying to keep my sanity with all these eccentrics you are throwing at me.

I love my job. To the point I'll kill myself. Let's, not go there.

NiGHTSOUND iN MOTiON

BIG BUTTONS

Put The Big Red Button on your site

HOLD MY HANDS

CONSERVATORY

It's funny - there can be many things in life that we all earn and achieve, but there will still be the disappointments and regrets of not having. Its not about greed or laments - its just being human.

I was doing some research across the web, when I chanced upon the local conservatory of music. Browsing the pages, my heart sank deeper into self-pity and dreaded regrets. As each professor's face fill the page, as more information surfaced, as more residents of the conservatory showed up, I envied more and more the lives in which they lived.

I come from a middle-income family, and opportunities were resticted limited by age-old maxims and cultural traditions. Music fell into the category of wasted time, and therefore, translates into poor career advancement foundation.

And because I was a late bloom, I never showed THAT many signs of talent in music, disregarding the fact that I used to stand by the kitchen door and sing to my sisters while they share the routine kitchen cleaning, or for the fact that I sing along to the stereo everytime my nanny puts a record on.

Those were obviously bad signs of interests, passion and talent. Unlike today where talent spotting is a multi-million industry by itself, I was set in the 'stone-age' of Columbus' discoveries.

As I read the criterias for admission, it suddenly dawned on me that, "Hey, I could still do this!" But faced with a multitude of obligations and a whole line of tie-ups, it's hard to drop the luggage and just jump out the flight to do a dream skydive. Not discounting the fact that, who's gonna pay the bills for a grown-up man's education now?

As more articles of testimonials and write-ups loaded, I can't help but draw myself into a picturesque me, standing at some famous music halls, belting out my most emotional violin solo, or my haunting cello wails. I almost felt the roses kiss my cheeks after that world premiering piano recital.

Aah. Gone are the days of day-dreaming which my mother has taught me to put aside most quickly after the family fell into some financial troubles, which, not only made education all the more important, but certainly displaced music as even an option to alternative studies, or even a weekend leisurely course to take for enrichment. I'll be damned if I said it was okay.

The only consolation I have is the fact that I have learnt to compose my own tunes, write my own songs, all for the fun of it. Be it an opportuned activity aimed to sell any product, the least that could be of help is to hold tightly a forgotten dream, and a wasted passion.

I can wish for the next 50 years that this is that and that is this - but I'll have it no other way. Keep wishing. And I'll leave the real living of dreaming to the younger ones around me.

OF ONE WiNE AND A SMOKiNG CiGARETTE

tblog seems to be down with the occasional traffic-overloads, so decided to post blogger first, and see if I could get back there.

I'm not sure what's with me tonight. Maybe cos I was expecting some dinner dates, but they were botched at the eleventh hour. Or maybe cos tomorrow's beach trip that I'm so looking forward to got botched too. Or it could have snowballed from a client who was questioning the amount I was charging her, which most likely, will get botched as well.

I don't know. My mood is just sliding by the minute and tomorrow's trip being canceled just made it worse. It's like, what's wrong with just 2 persons going down to the beach? I ain't no freak and I ain't no stone. I know, I'm lamenting. That's probably that one thing I'm proud of.

I suppose that's the primary reason why I don't keep in touch with a lot of people. Not that I don't want to, but when friends look at me like some... alien - undefined and incomprehensible, it's just hard to bring myself to believe that they are people who don't mind what I am, and just love me for who I am.

Perhaps Irwin has been right all along, people think too much, and whatever that they don't understand, they fear. So, I'm just simply being feared. Which is really sad, considering it's all for the wrong reasons.

Like just a couple days back, mom was in a pretty foul mood. She told me she didn't want to talk about it, and chased me off to work with a frown on her face. I asked cos I was worried if something's terribly wrong, but I just got kicked in my butt.

It's like, I don't blame her, I just hate situations and circumstances that make people evil, uncaring, insensitive, and dodgy. My supposed beach mate tomorrow? Not a word of sorry, but just plain homophobic about it. Trust is skeptical in the face of fears, and fears are the spawn of the unknown. I suppose the best way to keep positive at this point is to blame myself for being too forthcoming, too trustingly naive, and overtly hopeful that the world is full of love and sunshine.

I used to think girls REALLY do grow up faster, but I was wrong. I used to think people DO change, and I was also wrong. Now, I think there isn't a reason for people to trust, or be trusted. Tell me I'm wrong there. Cos I would really love to be.

So, I have a whole day to myself, alone, tomorrow. I can't think of anything to do, nor do I have any spare change to spend. That just simply sucked. I guess I'll pretend to be back at the office to work, put on a show for the family, but just head back to watch some cheap DVDs I picked up earlier today. Yeah, what a bummer day it's gonna be.

And if the band decides to practice, that be great. At least I would have something genuine to occupy myself with.

World? I love you as much as I hate you.

TRAiN

Lagging. That's what it is. Falling behind myself. I didn't know why I even bothered to speak with G. It's like... I know what he's like, and I know the kind of attitude he has. Perhaps its cos we used to hang out together, and the affinity just got the better of me. So when he hit a challenge, I took it up. That was seriously dumb. I wasn't trying to play cool, I was simply trying to dig him. And now that I know one thing better - he has all the things to dig, but nothing would be in my favor.

Not that it mattered, but it kinda made things worse? Already alone sort of at the engagement party, I didn't just feel left out, but I didn't feel like I was even there to fill the numbers. If I was, it would have been easy, but knowing that I'm there cos they're obliged to have me there just didn't feel right, and good about it.

Oh well. I'm just whining. So let me be, for bottling up does myself no good.

I actually equated my losses from all the things I've done up to this point... and it totalled to about 4-5k. Not major, but certainly a dent. That could have bought a new G5 (assuming I would physically get the cold hard cash) that I badly need to replace the one at the studio, get some really necessary plugins for the DAW, and certainly pay for maintenance.

Of course, granted, it ain't gonna happen, so I'm just gonna take it that it never happened at all. That, somehow, felt better.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not being petty. I'm just whining. It's just the whole idea that I'm being owed, you know, over something which I voluntarily offered. But people just kinda took it a little too seriously? So they ain't paying me cash, but buying me dinners and drinks? It's as good as payment, and it's just... obligatory.

Sigh. I hardly sigh. But I'm just beat.

SHADES

I'm just kinda slow at making things up these days. It seems hard to just sit and lament anymore, knowing I've got tons of backlog to clear at the office. And being pressed for things isn't exactly very ideal nor conducive to be working within.

So it's Tuesday, and I completely forgot about it? I called home asking if Mom was at her dance club, and Mom picked up the phone. "It's Tuesday, not Wednesday!" I just slapped my forehead.

And for the first time in days, I went home hungry, so that I can tuck into the dinner spread prepared for today's occasion - the Qu Yuan Festivities. Mom insisted I get my ass back home for all the food, and I just promptly finished up and left. It's been a long day. Well, perhaps the coming weeks will reel in better sunshine.

GiRAFFE

I don't know. Maybe I'm whining. Maybe I'm complaining. But that's how it is. I honestly love my job, I just hate the way I'm being used sometimes for my expertise that had me days in school, months in learning, years in training, decades in looking for the better solution. And what do I end up with? Conceding to favors.

Not that its a bad thing, I don't mind helping out if I have the time seriously. But pushing me hard over a favor isn't exactly very conducive to work things out. For one, it eats up time, adds stress, and tense the situation like a blob of jelly squeezed into a test-tube. Yeah sure, we've all survived it before, but its just being demanding that I hate.

And I already can expect the end formula, a warm smile and a big thank you. What am I?! A static doll with moving arms to get a piece of work done, get thrown about, and when its finished, I'm the greatest?!

Utter Bull.

I've had just about enough going Pro Bono. I sure can help, but I sure can't stand tyrannical behaviors laced with sweet scents of gorgeous niceties. It's disgusting.

I guess what brought me to bitch about myself is sitting here, typing away, eating out of a cup noodle mixed with beer at fucking 2am in the morning. Isn't it pathetic? I work so darn hard yet get bossed around by puny non-payers and got to be home eating chow.

Oh, and the bigger is coming in June, where everything and everyone's gonna be a tupperware party that is plastic to the core. I think I've found enough excuses on others' behalf to clean their own shit.

----------+----------

Vesak Day for the last couple years have been the same - will always be at Godpa's prayers. Funny thing was, I overheard a lady asking (presumedly) her boyfriend why I was given a white amulet while the rest gets a colored one.

I was kinda embarassed cos I was taking up everyone's time for a bit. But thinking back, I should have just turned round and said, "Cos I needed more help!" LOL

Well, she had her blatant attempt to right her feelings of being inferior today. But I guess, if the heart is where it is supposed to be today, she will know better. Of course, telling her who she was kneeling in front of was really tempting...

Oh did I mention the Chinatown Hotel boss has a really mean temper? Kenny and I wrapped at the studio about 2 plus yesterday morning, and had some munchies at the Mac, then, realizing how packed the roads were with hopeful taxi flaggers. Anyway, that's not the point. We were trying to get a cab when this stupid drunk dragged his girl up the hotel entrance, and moments later, he got chased downstairs.

Now normally I see the boss as a really nice and patient guy, you know, hotel owner, customer service, you get the point. But this ass must have said something that seriously pissed him off, that he was yelling profanities at the top of his lungs in the middle of the street!

The best part - while the couple stumbled off, he threw a glass at them! It splattered all across the road, and he was still screaming at the couple! And to get that man angry, I can't imagine what that guy did man!

Still, when we couldn't flag a cab down, we called for one, and headed back to the studio to wait. Guess what? The boss walked towards the direction of where the couple stumbled off to, and was so obviously trying to nail his ass! OMG! This is one pissed guy!

Drama for a change I suppose, though I get that alot round the area, just never really seen one from script to film end. Ha.

----------+----------

Can I just ask, out of curiosity: how many of you will actually buy the next Nightsound album? Or you won't buy before you sample, or you wouldn't even consider it? Or worse, who's Nightsound?

RAiNY DAY

The day just kept spiraling downwards without an end. I'm so caught in this drift that it isn't making much sense, not at least why it's feeling so darn irritating.

Can't seem to understand this whole persistence of loneliness, if only there is an answer that questions everything else, I would be elated. Till then, I'd rather keep watching what happens than second guessing and acting rashly.

I'm in a foul mood, and a walking time-bomb. Nobody can stop me it seems.

WHY iT'S BEEN

Good call. Considering I have reduced the frequency of posts here by almost two thirds to a once-a-month affair. Not looking very cluttered though. So that's nice.

And after that major heart-stopping project, the days that revisit are akin to restlessness in peace. It's difficult to accustom a back-to-back schedule with a complete row down the stream of open dates. That's scary both for the creativity and the participants involved. Right now, I'm back to the routine empty soul.

I wish to chide and whine but pushing the button to remove thrash from the head somehow made that kind of tough. I can't seem to find anything to complain!

Well. Whatever it may be, I know for sure my problems aren't the least problems.

SOULFOOL iCE

This I gotta blog about: about a month ago, someone emailed me asking if the company would work on collaborations with a music interest group to develop content. No further details were offered, except an invitation to meet and speak. In that reply, I asked specifically what sort of collaborations we were looking at, no replies came.

2 weeks ago, I got a response, telling me that I didn't pick up my phone. Yeah well, so I missed the call, but with dozens of fax calls a week, I would be sceptical about calls understandably. Anyway, I replied politely with my mobile number, but not until 3 days later did I get an SMS, asking me to attend a meeting on that Friday, at 6pm.

I was cool with that despite being in the midst of a lengthy and heavy project, but on that Friday, 6pm, there were no follow ups until 9pm citing ill health that will have to have a reschedule of the meeting to the following day, 2pm.

I was again cool with that. But Friday night's romp at the bars got me up late on Saturday afternoon. By 1:30pm, an SMS came and revealed a late meeting that would force our meeting time to 2:30pm. I was okay, went with the flow, and rushed down to the office.

We were supposed to have the meeting at a fast food restaurant a street away, and, having had no lunch, I decided to do lunch there might as well. At 2:30pm, no calls came, so I kindly sent a message to inform me when whoever's supposed to be there, was there.

Done with lunch in fifteen, I sat till 3pm at the alfresco watching people and wondering if they were the ones I would be meeting up with. Those who seemed potential were none that, but at least there were 2 rather cute chicks sitting right in front of me in the restaurant to ogle at (hey, obvious that would be the best seat no?).

Still, no calls came, no one showed up. I packed myself back to the office, and at 3:30pm, a call came asking for directions to my office.

I provided the details, and in 5 minutes, they reached my doorstep, popped me a call proper, and I opened the door. That 2 rather cute chicks stood right in front of me.

Hiding as much as I could the temper that nearly erupted within that split second, I recomposed myself inside, invited them in, and offered them drinks. The best part? One of the girls saw me at the restaurant seated outside, LOOKING at them.

Wait, that's not the best part. They settled down, we started small pleasantries, and she asked me if they could preview some of my works. I was like... WTF?! Oh did I mention, in between making arrangements to meet, she sent me a message TELLING me to meet up so that she could answer MY queries. I mean, she didn't even tell me her plans! What am I supposed to fucking ask?

AND! She asked to preview my works whatever fuck for?!

I was so darn offended, I rebutted, "Oh, gee, I did so much work I'm not too sure what would be appropriate to show you girls at all! (big friendly smile)"

SHE had the fucking cheek to respond, "No problems, just show us whatever you've done!"

That was when vengeance mode kicked in. I flipped out my showreel, popped it into the DVD player, turned on the big widescreen LCD tv, and courteously offered, "Well, in that case, maybe I can show you some works I've done for TV and the film industry! (BIG BRIGHT SMILE)"

You know what she said? "So what's your latest work? Show us your latest work!"

At this point, I was caught so off-guard by her stupidity that I didn't know I should laugh it off, or simply show her the door. Trust me, that cutesy look of hers suddenly became plaster. I was akin Neo in Matrix looking through her in grids and falling alphabets and numbers, much like Cyclops burning through material in X-Men.

I gladly announced then, "My latest work? Gee. Did so much, but one of them was a film I did last December that won ALL the awards at the (undisclosed here) Film Festival! (HUMBLE, VERY FUCKING HUMBLE GRIN)" That is when she was finally impressed. She battered her eyes and gasp a little, which, I would assume, was quite unintentionally let out. IF, you know what I mean.

So for the next twenty minutes, I showed them some of my most powerful works, explaining that I deal lots in broadcast as well as a variety of music and their creators. For those who know me, I did work with some of the most amazing talents in the industry, although I gladly would just keep that to myself (seriously, in this current tone, don't blame me for being bitchy and overtly pompous please).

Then it happened. I jumped my biggest question: what was she (that girl who makes you slap your forehead a million times kind) looking me up for. Do you know what she said?

Do you fucking know what she said?

"Oh, as I've explained to you, we are a group of music enthusiasts, and we are actually looking for people to collaborate with to get some projects off the ground."

What were some of these projects?

A singing competition that is NON-PROFIT, and talents from there can win prizes from sponsors (potentials like me), and they will be promoted to the industry cos SHE personally feels that the quality of local programming sucked big time, and even those contracted artistes are not explored to their fullest potential because, mind you, BECAUSE our industry was small. AND! Mark my words and I translate, SHE feels that there are a lot of talents out there waiting to be discovered, AND SHE hopes to dig them out.

And who is she? Drum roll please...
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SHE, IS, none other, than the girl who comes from a music interest group. AND! SHE! wants to discover new talents, make them big, and overturn the Old Guards whom SHE thinks are not treating talent correctly.

So here's the big question: What am I good for? I asked her, she repeated her whole idea again. If I have ever spoken to any pea-brains, she's the only one.

The only one. I repeat: the only one. I'm sorry, can I rephrase that? I have never, EVER met CLEVERNESS in reverse.

I'm sorry, I just have to get it out of my system. It's like, it rained, you've got no umbrella, you got drenched, and the only shelter in reach is leaking in the roof, is flooded, and is already crowded.

I encourage new ideas, and I certainly would love to pledge my support to young people (mind you, she is probably in her late 20s). But if it's anything I detest, that's pure stupidity.

Then again, she ain't stupid. She's just a personification.

Oh, for those don't understand the word "personification", it comes from "personify", which describes the girl (see above).

She's really good. Emailed and messaged me in English, and asked if I could speak Mandarin. So our entire conversation was in Mandarin, which was tiresome, considering my vocabulary to insult her in her face was so damned limited. Hence, imagine my frustration double-folding throughout.

Ok, you guys can laugh like mad now, I don't mind. Pity me if you prefer, but just to let you know, I'm still willing to support the cause, just as long as I don't need to deal with her.

I'm not in entirety heartless, or devoid of a human side. Neither am I some great person abled and great to support any cause to its fullest potential, but why should those SHE has convinced over her plans suffer and not get help just because SHE herself is stupid in human form?

Loves, I think I've lamented enough. Shan't go on about this like forever. Time to sleep. The current project is taking a toll. Cheers.

ONCE EVERY TURN

If there was a following, I second the notion. Once every so rare, a good song makes it to the big screen, pondered over by the makers who cracked their heads feeling blindly a score that was never even started. More than 2 decades back, 2 did sit and make one: The Color Purple. This year, Dream Girls.




Believe me. Having been a big time anal music critic,
this has been one of the finer pieces.



The Color Purple.

WE START HERE

I'm in vengeance mode.

CiRCUS iN MOTiON

I've been too focused on too many things at a go, making me, very distracted. I flipped the YouTube channels again and again, searching for real good laughs, but still end up choking myself in my misery.

Then I finally decided to break. I allowed myself to grieve. I made time for despair, and eventually took a dive.

Fresh.

The kid who was so used to put a cool full front became a shell of his own demise. I threaded carefully for solutions but as far as the eye can see, I've been fooling no one but myself.

At the brink of shut, juggling between the dilemmas of acting and dramaticing, of cool-headedness and composure, it became a wide divide of crap.

I want to make it real good, but traumatic forces pushed me way back into the depths of make-believe. I need to garner enough strength to piss myself off and steam through it all, but always somehow stopped short of a full-blown effect. I've been waking up in sweats for the last few nights cos I just can't stop churning in the head for an easier way out.

There is no way out, except to blow a fucking hole in the wall and literally walk through it. So now? I'm pulling in more than enough explosives to do that.

Of hill-top views and menace-retreats, I'm heading out the door with a bang.

Plus me, or minus me, its a brand new feeling. I'm hating a lot of things now, and there ain't stopping me.

MODERATES

I've really nowhere else to rant, and no one else to rant to. So I'll just do it here, to grieve about how pathetic my entire situation plays all around me right now.

I got 2 messages from talents today asking for their chips over a job that happened this month. I don't have the funds, and was practically begging them to give grace. It felt so deceitful, yet, there was absolutely nothing I could do. I saw it coming, but what can I honestly say? And over the weekend, I'm expecting more calls or messages asking the same.

Now I seriously wonder how to survive this ordeal. On one hand, I can't keep getting investments. On the other, there's just simply no way to run a one man show with ease. I've got the vibes, but definitely not all that it takes. That inevitably points to a self-destruct mechanism dying to let go.

And with the business going on the downslide, its only a matter of time before I get fired, and compensation will reign on my ass. Then comes the credit - already slapped with slander for over a year, plus all that doors slamming in my face, I'm driven up the wall.

If that isn't enough, the last bout of misunderstandings between uncle and the folks deepened to a new depth. Mom's stepped up her deranged self-destructive mode, and dad's playing plain ignorance. The rest of the family seemed distraught at that development, but what they don't understand is how much pressure Mom exerted on me when they weren't around. I play listening ear, and pure target board when the rest strips off their niceties. To make matters worst, she's asking me, EVERY FUCKING MORNING, if I'm making money - after waking me up when I'm not even done with my sleep.

I am seriously contemplating moving into the office for a while. It hurts to be home, but hurts more not being here. After all, I was the rebel whom lobbied for family-life. Yet, I can't wait to see it fall apart and call it a day. It induces a negativity that distracts my sane thinking, and definitely intertwines the business altogether.

But who cares? Who seriously gives a damn about that bit? And whatever I think anyway? They don't care. So why should I?

2 bad days back, I suffered major chest pains. Got myself checked into the A&E, and was kept under observations for 6 hours. 6 FREAKING HOURS. Verdict: possible heart problems, or a really bad case of gastricis. I don't get it. If chronic bronchitis ain't enough, what else am I suppose to die with? Why not just fucking throw it all in, let me just die.

So sis paid for the consultation, and I'm supposed to see a Heart Specialist. How ironic. Heart was a song nominated for Song of The Year on CNET Asia. And I actually decided to quit smoking on Sunday, 2 days before I dropped with chest pains. Perhaps I failed to study the stars - iron must have been the lethal element this week for me.

And in an effort to diffuse the tension, the family sat down 2 days back to a long resolve. Yeah, it did some good, but it certainly changed my mind over many many things. My greater anxiety to solve the financial woes at the company was larger and more intense - and in my unsettled frame of mind, out of desperation, I offered a 20% share of the company's holdings for a mere fee, just so that I could sustain another month or two. Oh my goodness. I got to be crazy.

The offer wasn't taken up, perhaps to my advantage, but that means I'm left naked to fend for a company which had no real backing, except for my mere existence.

So what now? Die a certain death after a long hard fight? or should I just bring everyone down with me? The latter's tempting, for I am not afraid to be the greater devil to revenge my past evils. I'm so lost.

And with all these developments, I had to see how reality bites: somebody whom pledged allegiance to me before, has now pledged it somewhere else. All these blatantly announced on a blog. The news didn't come to me direct. And I have to see it for myself before I knew.

Everything's driving me nuts. Except one shining star that I can't count on, but is full of solace.

Just not too sure how long more I can hold on, especially when I don't have the doctor's dollar to see the heart, nor do I have the salary dollar to appease mom. Strangely, all that stress and lack of sleep could have triggered the chest pains. It's a certified possibility after all.

I need a way out. Feel so distant now.

I know how different this side of the blog has become as compared to the other side on tblog. What you all didn't know was: there's still one more lurking. I ain't telling.

BROKEN SOUL OF I

I don't get it. How can I possibly run into so much snags? If reputation ain't bad enough, I'm still deep in debt - working these days don't yield much at all... I ain't even yielding anything considering it's all used to try clear the backlogs.

WE NEED YOUR VOTE!

We need your help! Vote for Nightsound on CNET-Asia, and stand a chance to win a Nokia! Download the Studio Version of "Heart" for free too! What are you waiting for?

Support Nightsound! http://asia.cnet.com/music/promo/soty.htm

WEAK

I thought everything was cool - that things have cooled off without too much repercussions. But I was wrong.

Darn I'm always wrong. I don't understand why people can't ever leave me alone. Do they hate me that much or are they just jealous of me in some ways? I don't know. It hurts so damn bad to the point I don't even know what to feel anymore.

Who really loves me?

I know. Nobody.

Everyone's got an agenda. The more I hear things, the more I imagine things, the more I hate the world. The whole believe just shrank. Hope is bullshit and praying doesn't work no more, not at least for myself.

Redemption is broken. Neutrality doesn't exist no more.

Oh gosh. I can't even describe the hurt right now. It's really taking a grind on me, drilling deeper every minute I sit here.

I'm just gonna indulge in a hot shower. Maybe drown myself somehow in the process.

LAST NiGHT

Oh, real sorry about that last post. Think it got the better of me over nothingness. Nonetheless, till somebody complains, think I'll just leave it here.

DELiRiUM

I did cry in the office today. I thought it was supposed to make things better, feel lighter, and reduce the stress. But it didn't. I wanted so much to tell Angel ealier on, but I could not. The poor girl's so tired. Then I wanted to tell mommy, but she's got enough worries at the back of her head. I wanted to tell HH, but he's too young. I wanted to tell my sis, but she's too preoccupied with her own work. Nor can I tell brother, or sister, or dad cos that would be really embarassing when they all try to chip in to help. Not that I don't want help, but it's just difficult to be the baby brother all the time, crying in times like these.

So blog, I can only tell you, how much I want to cry cos everything just seemed to be collapsing around me. In fact, as I type, I'm crying, can't see the keyboard proper even. That I am so hurt by so many things, and I hate myself for being so strong for people but never once for myself.

I told HH that, as a boy, he must never cry. I told Angel before that I hardly cry. And I told everyone else that I've never cried since graduating from a baby. But I really can't stand it anymore. I'm so filled with angst, disappointment, fear and regret. And many more emotions I can't even begin to describe.

My horoscope says things would be better, that I would be in control. But I feel so dictated by my clients, my loves, my friends, my work. I feel I almost am a robotic answering machine that responds to everybody's needs except my own. I don't understand why.

To think back the days of Home, I thought those dark days would pass. That betrayal happens once and that's it. That hurt would be a one-time affair. But since the beginning of the year, nothing seems to be going in the right direction. Everyone around me that I've helped, have become better, and I'm still stuck here, digging my own grave, watching my own demise.

I hate being like this, blog, but I can't get rid of this feeling. I'm in so much pain and hurt. Wiping these tears away doesn't even make it any simpler. I thought after crying, it would lessen the pain. Perhaps it did. But the sorrow keeps building on upon itself like Rome.

It's 11:12PM at the studios, and I'm just trying to dump out some songs for the band's album that I've been working on. It sounds great and all, and I just hope I don't disappoint the boys at all.

I've actually stopped talking to god. Any god. I felt so cheated, but at the same time so blessed that they've helped me so much. I used to be so despised when I was a kid, and I prayed that one day, the people upstairs would make good of me. They used to call me names that hurt so much, and people thought I wouldn't amount to much. And for all that, the big guys eventually took it all away, gave me enough room to breathe, enough strength to carry on. But now, I don't want their help cos I've never given them anything, yet, I cannot stand on my own feet right now.

And I love mommy so much but I couldn't do anything to help her feel better. She's so sick and I feel so guilty that I can't even take care of her.

I just sit and cry. That's so silly of me, but I really can't help it anymore. Well, like they say, mind over body, I'm sure it be ok.

Ok. I think I've got a hold of the tears now. A few deep breadths that should do it. It's actually kind of dumb - sitting here crying and typing on you, it feels as if I'm writing a suicide note or bidding farewell to loved ones. Dramatic, and to think I'm actually in the media line. Emotional or not, I think I'm going overboard.

Dear blog. If you have the power to predict my future, would you tell me what will eventually become of me? I really want to make enough money to buy mommy a big house, get her to recover in peace. And give daddy a well-deserved rest. He's been working since young, never stopped once. When uncle had him out the company, he had to drive a bus to earn his own pocket money. And I couldn't give him a cent. I felt quite useless.

So dear blog, would I also be youthful? So that my loves can remember me the way I am right now, cos they think I look great these days after Home, and that I've become better. And they don't despise me like my friends used to cos they found me uncool and ugly. I just wish I stay this way so that I can be wanted.

Okay blog, I gotta clear up a little so that I don't sound too nasal when my baby calls and finds out I've been crying. I guess it did work, that crying does help you feel silly over all these things.

Maybe I'll tell you more later.

UPDATiNG

I think the problem of slow postings here stamps from having too many blogs, too much work, too little time, and definitely, bloggable materials. Ambition is one thing, but I came to realise how unfocused it became.

Plus, the extra work to reprint posts from one to the next can be, honestly, tedious to the max when one fails and the other cranky.

Anyway, will try to update this consistently. Meantime, get the latest from tblog side.

FLiGHT 901

So what's been happening lately? This blog is so stale I can smell the bad breadth of the fungus growing on it.

One thing I like about blogspot (blogger) in general is its user interface: interactive and definitely friendly. Just short of some form of visible human traffic - doesn't quite feel like a community center.

Anyways, till I have more things to floor, I suggest reading tblog's side of things first.

OUR WORLD WiTH A SMiLE

It's strange, after making a few rounds on the internet did I realise how slow some blog sites have become, some even defunct - just a shard of memory from years ago. Not too sure if it was the work of time, or just simply dying hearts.

Regardless, smile. Cos the sun still shines for now.

SAViNG GRACE

Just because of pride, there are people who are actually willing to belittle others, or simply, pull together sizeable advantage to be appeased. I mean, what do they get out of placing themselves in the limelight and then downing others?

Satisfaction. Gratification. And definitely definition of their sick, perverse ideologies over what their diminished concept of embracing equilibrium and eliminating dominion of egoes would be.

I ain't a fighter and definitely not a peacemaker. Like a true blue streetkid, I think being given attention is already an extra bonus, somewhat a lottery-winning kind of feeling. Plus the fact that somebody actually decides to engage you in some ways useful is almost like being the F7 key on the keyboard that is finally being pressed.

So tell me. How many times have you ever used the F7 key? Or are you the F7 key?

Because, if the F7 key is unimportant to you, then you probably don't value what others can do. But if you're the F7 key, I salute you: you're configurable, yet not vying for attention, even though you are somewhat the humble kind.

My dear cyberspacemen, I love my job, and I love seeing young, inquisitive minds at work, hungry for new things everyday. And I gladly give what I can offer to feed that hunger - I guess making too many mistakes make you more obvious towards intangible things that protude like the F7 key.

And if you're telling me it's a group project, it's teamwork, it's having to do it together, know this - if you ever complain about some others who aren't cooperating, perhaps you have to ask yourself why aren't you instead.

I read in the papers last night, one of those gossip papers that paint the world in a myriad of colors more vibrant than a Picasso: a father-son team who terrorised an entire block of residents - the father strips and exposes himself to any female human, the son steals women lingerie, ejaculates into them, and returns them promptly.

And it went on for a year.

Now, either the team is lucky and somewhat quite welcomed to do what they are doing, or the residents are purely not very cooperative, but somewhat selfish, thinking others will do the reporting and stop the nonsense. For me? I would have gathered my friends, catch the fabulous two, tie them up nude at their main doors, and get an old (really old) prostitute to expose herself to them for a full hour. And each time they get an erection, we'll slap the erection till it dies down, keep repeating the process till they can't stand it anymore. Make it 2 hours.

I really don't know which to laugh at, or to feel disgusted at: the perverts, or the residents.

OMG. ONE FULL YEAR OF RAMPANT PERVERTIC BEHAVIOUR! I think the residents are more perverse to let it actually happen to them for that long.

Now tell me - have you done a check on yourself lately? Are you the real person, or are your saying others are unreal?

GULLiBLE

Who's to say we're this or that? For that matter, what ever happened to being critical? It's like, these days are filled with hypocracies narrowed down to plain banter of complete unimportance that is immersed in pure diplomacies and niceties.

I love Chinatown for that complete reverse reason: people are real, I don't see fancy theatrics that makes me nauseous, and certainly put up with no pretense. Yes, there could be luxury cars and the occasional flauntings, but think about it: they are real people doing real human things, regardless if they are of the good or the bad kinds.

So today I sat down for dinner at my favourite coffeeshop, ordered my usuals, teasing the lady taking orders about needing a menu and recommendation when thereafter, quite innocently, I ordered something else. And later on, she went on about collecting soda can rings so that she could exchange for a wheelchair to be donated to the Old Folks' Home. Such kindness in pure life without the limelight.

I'm sure you and me don't even match up, so quit whining about not knowing what to have for lunch tomorrow when many others don't ever get to choose.

And so, I reflected like a droplet against the mirror, watching myself crash and splatter in complete fantasy, then laying still until the mirror tilts a vertical, and I begin to dribble off it.

This is when I begin to wonder about some people around me that are filled with niceties in a suit and tie or a dress with pretty pleats. The astrocity to speak of the beautiful came suddenly full of hidden agendas and motivations.

By the way, if you find this wordy, well I've always been. You're more than welcomed to finish this line of thoughts and rebutting in your own unique ways.

Coming back, I was told about a friend who went cold with another. And this friend felt hurt because it seemed to be an own-doing, which I, of course, fiercely refuted having sufficient reasons to do so. My friend's a darling, how could such things ever happen, I questioned myself. Now it all falls into place - complete pretense in the most subtle manners anyone can afford to make do with.

Which inevitably brings me to a level above my knees weak in standing up against ill-intents - I now see further and deeper, and I begin to release myself from the grasp of use. I ever regretted some actions, but I would stand by them: Real People lived a Real Life.

I think I am real enough.

So this goes out to one specific person: if you are sorry, don't just say it. Show it and be it. I hate people using and throwing.

MODERATES

It's been raining, and it hasn't been helping with the emotions much. For one, it added on to the already fragile health conditions, and has definitely piled on a heavier mood than usual. Gone are the days when I loved the rain for its weird sensations.

It's splattering outside again, and I seriously hope it stops soon. Heavens has lots to cry about, but for this boy here, I think I need some encouragement more than anything else.

I've been weighing pretty heavy in the heart. Hope something picks me up soon.

EXPiRY

Everyone comes with one, and that includes me too. And today, I expired from being an Angel.